Monday, November 21, 2016

Legends of Tomorrow #6: Metamorpho!

I wonder if Metamorpho ever stabs himself in the face while sleeping. Wait. Does Metamorpho sleep?

Typical political discourse:

"Bush is terrible for all of these reasons!"
"Oh yeah? What about Clinton?!"

"Obama is terrible for all of these reasons."
"Here are facts as to why those reasons are wrong."

"Trump is terrible for all of these reasons!"
"Oh yeah? What about Clinton?!"

How a person doesn't realize they're on the losing side of every argument when their entire rebuttal is a deflection, I'll never know. I'll never know because I don't talk to those people if I can help it. Usually if I'm having a conversation with somebody and they say something stupid, I just wander off. I do occasionally answer their questions on Tumblr but only if I think I'm being witty. That means I always answer them because I always think I'm being witty, much to the chagrin of everybody who knows me.

I just used the word "occasionally" even though I can never spell it. You see, one time I read a way to remember how to spell necessary and I always wind up applying the method to occasionally! The secret to spelling necessary is that a shirt has one 'n'eck, one 'c'ollar, and two 's'leeves. At least that's how I remember the saying even if it sounds stupid now that I type it out. Anyway, occasionally has all of those letters too! So I always wind up spelling it ocassionally on the first attempt! Thank God for Spellcheck! And I mean that literally because you know whoever invented Spellcheck got the idea from God because God was all, "Eeny meeny miney moe, catch a tiger by the toe, if you catch it, let it go. My 'mother' told me to pick the very best one and I pick you to be blessed!"

Last issue, things were happening in this story that I don't really remember. I reread my commentary to refresh my memory but that was nearly a week ago and I can't be bothered to reread it again! I think Java had just shot Metamorpho with one of those weapons that seem to be everywhere in the DC Universe. You know the kind! It's the kind that steals the power from the hero. Here's how the antagonists always seem to get their hands on one of them.

Writer: "Metamorpho sure has a lot of powers! How can anybody ever defeat him?!"
Editor: "I don't know. Can I have a bite of your salami sandwich?"
Writer: "Get out of here! I'm trying to work!"
Editor: "Brrrrt! Fry raid!"
Writer: "What the hell?! You said you didn't want anything when I went out! Get the fuck off of my lunch!"
Editor: "Whatever. You have that script idea yet?"
Writer: "I don't know! How about the bad guy just has a weapon that takes away Rex's powers?"
Editor: "Great! Perfect! Oh, hey, you're out of soda."
Writer: "FUCK!"

That dialogue was going to be completely different and then I made one of the characters an editor and thought, "Editors are jerks! I'd better make this realistic!"

This issue begins with Java defeating Neith and all of her warrior buddies while also disabling Metamorpho with his Lazy Writing Gun. I guess Cavemen are just naturally better fighters than people who have trained for battle their whole lives. I suppose I don't know that much about Java's life before he was thawed out. Maybe he was a champion Cave Fighter? That's like a cage fighter but with one letter changed to make it into a pun that needed to have an explanation or it would just look like I was calling him a guy who fights in caves like a caveman probably would!

I guess this is now Rex's natural form. Too bad. I thought without powers, he might revert to human and we'd get a glimpse of his penis.

Java says what all the idiots in the world couldn't say so they decided to destroy the world instead with their stupid power of democracy: "I'm tired of you looking down at me, thinking you're better than me!" If you've ever had that same thought, you're probably one of those idiots. When somebody expresses a truth and acts confident in that truth because science and evidence are behind them, they aren't even thinking about making you feel stupid. They're just living in reality. I can see how you might begin to feel put upon if your beliefs don't line up with reality. I can see how you might want to begin believing that facts are just opinions and have equal weight. I can see those things but they don't make you any less ignorant when you deny reality for your own desperate attempt to selfishly maintain your world of make-believe. Especially when that make believe world is full of hate. Here's a quick quiz to find out if you're a terrible person: are you angry at whole groups of people you don't know and do you think you're a good person? If you answered yes to both of those, you're the worst person. For transparency's sake, I answered yes to both questions. My whole groups of people I'm angry at are stupid people.

The best part about being vaguely rude and dismissive and insulting to people on the Internet is that I'm not specifically calling anybody out. But people will read this, self-identify with the terrible portrait I've painted with my words, get offended, and then type a rude message to me. I'll usually respond in some flippant way while thinking, "Thanks for identifying yourself, asshole!" But then I'll realize they sent the message anonymously. At that point I'll shake my fist impotently in the air and scream, "You win again, Internet!"

Sapphire arrives to tranquilize Java and say "Thanks but no thanks." Which I think is as bad as saying "Sorry not sorry" except that it really isn't somehow. People who say "sorry not sorry" should be euthanized. I totally stand by that statement no matter how much it makes me sound like Hitler! Besides, I'm pretty sure he popularized the phrase in response to you know what.

By tranquilizing Java, Sapphire has proven to Rex that she actually does want to help and that she isn't a pawn of Simon Stagg at all! Or maybe she was just a little bit but now she's smartened up and gotten with the program and drank the non-branded flavored sugar water drink! Rex decides to trust her, especially since she's the only other character still conscious and he needs somebody to have a conversation with while he saves the day, otherwise the rest of this issue will be super boring. At least up until Kanjar Ro attacks! He must have gotten away earlier for a reason, right?

I first read this as "Tranquilizers, fleshlights...I'm a regular Walmart" and thought, "Wow. Walmart has really changed!"

Rex and Sapphire flirt even worse than I flirt with people. Rex is all, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" And Sapphrie is all, "I lost your diamond testicle!" And Rex is all, "I don't have any more of those!" After typing that, I've changed my mind. That's much better than the way I flirt with people. Usually I look them in the eye and say, "I have a few minutes for nonthreatening sexual contact that should distract you from the thought of death for a little while." I just realized I should have been a teenage goth! I probably would have gotten laid like crazy with that line!

Oh! I just want to talk about the whole "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" bit for a second! I know I've mentioned it before but who is reading this right now who also read whatever commentary I last discussed it in, right? Jesus isn't suggesting that somebody might exist who has never sinned. I mean, that seems obvious but you never know what some Christians might think based on all of the weird shit some of them believe. What he's suggesting is the exact opposite. He's suggesting that nobody exists who has never sinned. And that's the whole point! We are all sinners and we've all been given second (or more!) chances. We must always be given another chance to repent and become better people. Nobody should be condemned to death on one sin without any chance at redemption. It's pretty much what Gandalf said to Frodo (unless it was Bilbo!) when discussing Gollum's fate. That makes sense since Gandalf was basically the Jesus of The Lord of the Rings. What with his magic powers and his coming back from death and his being friends with giant eagles.

The flirting is a success! It's so good that Sapphire decides she'll kiss a mineral shaped like a human even though it currently can't make any kind of penis-like protrusion because Rex lost his powers. While they're kissing, Kanjar Ro kicks them in the faces! Now Rex will have to battle Kanjar Ro without his powers! Which, I guess, just evens up the fight because what the fuck can Kanjar Ro do? I mean aside from the pretty cool double kick to both of their faces as they were kissing. That alone could make him one of my favorite supervillains of all time! I mean, it could if not for how utterly boring and terrible he is in every other way.

Kanjar Ro's attack causes the Orb of Ra to crack and since Rex is currently getting his face smashed into the floor, Sapphire has to risk her life to save the day. She scoops it up and sticks it on a place that looks like maybe that's where it goes, I guess? When she does, there's a blast of energy that turns her into Unity. Unity is basically the Orb of Ra possessing Sapphire's body. So when it describes itself as "Unity", what it really means is a union of the Orb of Ra's mind with Sapphire's amazing butt. But it can still feel her feelings and it is, of course, perplexed by the emotion of love. Being an orb, I suppose it wouldn't have known what love was previously. I mean, as long as it had never met Doctor Magnus, that is.

Unity tells Rex that she can't have sex with him because it would kill him and Rex is all, "I'll take my chances!" But instead, she flies away because DC hates love, I guess.

The issue ends with the planet Dawhatever saved, Sapphire subsumed by some monstrous entity that doesn't give a shit about love, and Metamorpho discovering the passion of having a nemesis! Basically, this story puts Metamorpho's world back to where it was before New 52 destroyed it. Or maybe it resets it to pre-Crisis days? Zero Hour? Whatever. I suppose it's just a new version of the same old shit. I don't ever remember Sapphire being some creature called Unity but then I've never read every single Metamorpho comic in existence. So it might be new. Or it might be one of those things old-timers read and were all, "Yes! Unity! Never my favorite but I remember her! Or it! Or whatever! I wish I could have a bowel movement!"

The Review!
Was it good? I don't know! Some stars out of another arbitrary number of stars! Let he who is without sins cast the first review!

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