Saturday, November 5, 2016

Justice League #7

I wish Superman wasn't in the way. I want to see who is fucking Cyborg from behind.

Currently, the Justice League believe they have saved the world. But whatever they think they've saved the world from seems to have infected the world. I don't think it's Red Dawn yet even though everybody is getting angry because this story is called "State of Anger" and not "Red Dawn." Calling it "Red Dawn" would have been a total giveaway. Everybody is so angry for no reason that last issue ended with Superman pushing himself away from his family's dinner table and declaring, "I have to go kill The Batman now!" It's a good thing Batman doesn't trust any of the other Justice League members and most likely has all of their domiciles bugged! Now he'll probably be waiting in the Batcave in his Anti-Superman Suit with the Red Sun Brass Knuckles and the Kryptonite Strap-on.

Apparently Batman is too busy dealing with his Survivor's Guilt to hear the "Superman is Finally Coming to Kill You" alarm going off like crazy behind him. How is it that Bruce Wayne spent years traveling around the world becoming proficient in every kind of fighting style, learning every kind of crime scene investigation technique, and studying every bullshit mystical mental technique but never went to a therapist to deal with the trauma of surviving that night in the alley and watching his parents die? Now he thinks he's responsible for every death on the planet because why should he, The Batman, live when other people die?! How fair is that?! Also, he spent dozens of years training to stop death and he still hasn't defeated it! What a failure.

Bruce does end his pity party by thinking "My punishment is coming," so maybe he did hear the "Superman is Finally Coming to Kill You" alarms going off like crazy behind him. And immediately after he thinks that, Superman crashes through the Batcave wall and begins to strangle Bruce. Geez, Superman! Once again, you're proving Batman's point that you're way too dangerous to be allowed to live. How many times is Batman going to allow you to be manipulated by some villain before he just puts you down? You can only use the excuse "He usually doesn't bite!" four or five times after your dog mauls four or five children before you're forced to put it down. Maybe even just one time! Or none even!

Why would Superman think Batman would suddenly be responsible for his family if Clark died? And where did all this anger come from?! Did something happen between Lois and Bruce that demands a flashback?! A really detailed flashback?!

Meanwhile, Wonder Woman and Aquaman are having a strange conversation on a beach as they pull a sunken aircraft carrier out of the ocean. Aquaman is all, "I could destroy the world if I wanted too!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Me too! I could totally do it!" And Aquaman is all, "One more fish fucking joke and they'll see!" And Wonder Woman is all, "One more comment about somebody 'wondering' what's under my skirt, and they'll see!" I wish they'd both say, at the same time, "And fuck that Batman!"

Wonder Woman and Aquaman conclude that, since they're royalty, it's their right to take over the world and force them to be less violent. The only problem is that Aquaman and Wonder Woman are never going to agree on how the world should be run after they take it over. Didn't they read Flashpoint?

Because Cyborg and Simon Baz are part of the Justice League, the story wastes a few pages on what they're going through too. It's not worth talking about. I mean, Cyborg is as boring as vanilla ice cream. And Simon Baz is as boring as a container of vanilla ice cream that barely has anything but frost left in it that your stupid sibling put it back in the freezer and you later took it out because you wanted some ice cream and saw it was empty and then didn't even really care because, enh, vanilla!

Back at the exciting fight between Superman and Batman, Batman tells Superman that he wants him to kill him. That's when Superman stops killing Batman because Batman is always telling Superman what to do and Superman is sick of it. He screams in frustration and then they both sit down to figure out why they're flipping the fuck out. But first, nobody's checked in on Barry and Jess's date!

It seems to be going fine.

The Justice League is being ruled by their fear now because some disembodied voice keeps whispering in their ears and infecting them with fear and paranoia. They're all just dealing with their fears differently. But while most of the League are just shutting down because their fears are personal, Aquaman and Wonder Woman are going to take over the world because they have a fear of trusting people. That's probably going to put the Justice League in a terrible place after this story is over. It's okay to sort of let them do their thing when they're saving the world from weird space threats and godlike existential horrors hellbent on using the Earth to destroy existence. But when they decide to save the world from itself by forcing nations to do what they want? That's way out of line! I can't see how Aquaman and Wonder Woman aren't going to be hunted down as supervillains after this story. I guess Batman can just call a press conference and explain it all away. "Sorry! Sorry! We all just had some bad oysters! We're cool now!"

Jessica manages to drive the Fear Thing away because she's a Green Lantern and Barry reminds her that being a Green Lantern is about overcoming great fear. He learned that from Hal Jordan who could never stop reminding everybody about how good he was at overcoming fear. But after the Fear Thing is gone, Jessica points out that they're all going to have to live with what just happened because the Fear Thing didn't implant those fears in them; they were already there! So this story was more like the Buffy musical episode, "Once More With Feeling," than I even suspected when mentioning it last commentary. They've all exposed their fears to each other and to the world and now everything is going to be super awkward!

Jessica decides to quit the League because who needs two Green Lanterns in the Justice League? That's just overkill! They've got their own comic book for that kind of mass Green Lantern action.

The Ranking!
-1! I don't give a shit about these stories where the writer is all, "Aha! I've got a way to make the heroes look more human by exposing their secret fears!" It's not even really a shortcut to character building. What it feels like to me is how when somebody makes a subtle joke where the humor is in the subtlety and then somebody decides to repeat the joke but in a blatant way and that person thinks they're the one who came up with the joke? I hate that shit. This is that shit.

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