Monday, November 28, 2016

Batman Beyond #16

How come no supervillain in the DC Universe has yet discovered that every hero's secret identity is given away by their shadow?

My back is still fucked up (but not as fucked up as it was two weeks ago) so it's still too uncomfortable to sit in my office chair and write. That's probably enough explanation for why I'm now about a month behind on my comics and I'm busy reading old Batman Beyond comic books that I really don't have any interest in. Maybe I should go to the doctor to get some opiate-based pain medication. It's possible that will make Tim Drake and Terry McGinnis more interesting.

I hadn't thought of it before but Tim Drake was the perfect character to take over for Terry McGinnis. Both of their names begin with T and I don't fucking care about either of them!

Not last issue but the issue before (twenty four robbers came knocking at my door! Then they went upstairs to kiss a fella but made a mistake and kissed a snake. Then the monkeys began rolling off the bed (unless they were jumping on it?) and a whole bunch of doctors had to be called in to suck the poison out of somebody or something), the creative team decided to show Rewire without his mask on as the big shock ending. Aside from the three fangenders who totally lose their shit for Terry McGinnis, nobody else understood the big reveal. You see, it was Terry who was Rewire! The Next Month Blurb sort of hinted at it being Terry but that doesn't really help when you have a surprise twist ending that nobody gets. When you just kind of think you get the surprise twist but you might be reaching and you're definitely making assumptions, it doesn't really work. But it's been confirmed since then that Terry McGinnis is back! Not because he survived Futures End (most of us didn't) but because Tim Drake is now in a new timeline where Terry McGinnis never had to go back in time to stop Brother Eye! Maybe?

You know what? It doesn't matter! Futures End was terrible and stupid and Batman Beyond, taking place in the Futures End future, is even more terrible and stupid. Also, just in case you've forgotten while reading the first few paragraphs, fucking Donald Trump is going to be the president of the United States of America. That's fucking absurd. If you don't think it's absurd, you probably don't think much of anything. Or you're just a hateful, despicable person who never moved past third grade where you disagreed with everybody you hated no matter how stupid a stance it caused you to take.

Terry McGinnis is under the thrall of Spellbinder which is why he's trying to kill Batman Beyond. Terry also has a problem with his heart which is why Tim Drake will eventually give up the Batsuit so that it can keep Terry alive. Then Tim Drake will, as the cover shows, hike across America solving problems and helping the nearly unhelpable. That's always a good premise for episodic storytelling.

Speaking of episodic storytelling, I just watched the first episode of Black Mirror and it was terrible. It was fucking horrible. I hate saying this because I generally like Charlie Brooker, the writer of the episode, on panel shows and You Have Been Watching. I suppose if I want to look past the inanity of the plot and talk about it as a parable about what politicians will do based on polls and their likability, it's less terrible than I first said and actually sort of interesting. But I can't get past the idea that a Prime Minister would fuck a pig on television to save a woman being held hostage. Governments are never supposed to negotiate with terrorists! Even if the entire population of Great Britain would look unfavorably on the Prime Minister for letting a woman die instead of fucking a pig, the guy would never fuck a pig. Nobody would allow him to fuck a pig based on terrorist demands! I mean, if he wanted to fuck a pig, they'd make sure he could fuck a pig without the media finding out. But nobody would even consider fucking the pig as one of the options! Yet in this episode, right from the beginning, everybody acts as if the Prime Minister might have to fuck a pig! They keep assuring him that it won't come to that as if he'd really be thinking that it might actually come to that! As soon as the first person said to me, if I were Prime Minister, "Sir, you know that if you don't fuck the pig, nobody will think you have blood on your hands," I'd be all, "I fucking know that, asshole! And I'm not fucking a pig to negotiate with some kidnapper, you idiot! Why would you even think I'd ponder that idea?! I know I'm not fucking a pig! If this princess is killed, it's the killer's fault! Now stop being an idiot and do something productive, like feeding my fucking turkeys in the basement! And I meant that fucking as an adjective to describe how I use the turkeys and not as an expletive!"

So, um, anyway, Terry is about to kill Tim when Matt, Terry's little brother, comes crashing through the wall inside a Batplane. That's like something Robin Beyond would do! I wonder if Matt's already thinking up his take on the costume?

Matt causes enough of a diversion to allow Tim to start slapping the shit out of people.

Tim Drake hits women!

Spellbinder gets his ass kicked by Tim Drake which doesn't seem as realistic as I think this comic book should be. I mean, it is about a Robin who jumped into another timeline to become Batman, so you'd think the limits to my disbelief would have already been reached. But I have nearly limitless capacity to believe comic book nonsense! But Tim Drake beating down the bad guy with his fists is a bit much. Although I don't know anything about Spellbinder! He's probably just a huge nerd with no fighting prowess which makes his being knocked out by Tim Drake make sense.

I'm sure a lot of people think Tim Drake is just as capable at hand-to-hand combat as any of the Robins but then we all have different head-canons, don't we? To me, Tim Drake has always been worthless when things resorted to fisticuffs. Look at how he was killed by only a couple of hundred of drones in Detective Comics! Such a terrible fighter!

After the big battle (which took place in the Epilogue! That's weird. I think that's bad planning!), everybody goes back to the Batcave where Tim Drake can retire as Batman Beyond, steal a Batcycle, and hit the road in his own futuristic version of Kung Fu. Unless he's more like The Incredible Hulk. Or maybe The Lone Ranger?

There's an epilogue to this epilogue! Tim Drake is pulled into a flash of light as he sets off on his adventure! What could it mean?! Where is he now?! Is this part of some new Crisis?! Where could...fuck me. I don't really give a shit.

The Review!
Futures End went on for far too long. This was just another piece of that huge mistake by DC Comics. They tried to create some exciting stories by looking at where their characters would be in five years and they fucked it all up. This was, I think, the last vestiges of that shitty story. And this even went on too long because it needed these last five issues to get Terry McGinnis and the Batman Beyond world back on track! I won't be reading the Rebirth Batman Beyond because I finally decided to make a lot of cuts to my monthly reading list. I do have Rebirth and the first issue though, so I'll get a taste. I hope I don't like the taste! I hope it tastes like semen!

Not that I know what semen tastes like or if I have a fondness for it!

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