Monday, September 12, 2016

Superman #6

At least Eradicator isn't wearing an obviously unneeded belt.

The Facts!
• Last night I dreamed about the URL Unfortunately, it's just a tumblr page which exists without posts. Stupid dream head. Why couldn't you dream up an interesting tumblr?! Idiot.

• I often read in my dreams (not long texts! Just bits and pieces. Like URLs or signs or tumblr responses to putting tiegue in the search followers box to see if they follow me on tumblr) and occasionally I'll write as well. But while I often wake up remembering thoughts I've had which fuel later writing, I can never remember anything I physically write in a dream. Except for once! One time I woke myself up as I read what I had written and jotted it down before it could flee my mind. It was this: "Still the water continued to boil and churn, so much that even if a million hives of bees had been sunk there, it would not have been enough."

• This issue begins with Superman realizing that this is Issue #6 and that the story needs to end quickly so that it will fit neatly into the usual sized trade paperback. Up until now, he had no incentive to end the battle. I suppose trying to keep his family alive could be incentive but, I mean, is it really? Really?

Eradicator sounds like every Sea Lion on Twitter. "Why are you so angry, Superman? I'm just asking questions! Why don't you just answer my totally harmless questions that are simply based on mere curiosity and not on an agenda at all?!"

• I think it took me six issues to realize that The Eradicator is a racist! Previously, I was just all, "Oh yeah! He's just super proud of being Kryptonian! Nothing wrong with that! That's a totally normal and patriotic thing to do when you can't find any real reasons to love yourself or others!" And now I'm all, "Did he just use the term 'half-breed'? Why would he...oh. I see what Kryptonian Pride actually stands for!"

• Some of you might be thinking, "How the fuck did you not realize he was a racist, Tess?! He's called The Eradicator! He's been trying to stomp out Jon's human side since the beginning! He's violently Pro-Kryptonian!" To you I'd respond, "Are you familiar with my blog?! I lie about shit to say other shit all of the time! Obviously I knew he was racist! And to prove I totally knew, I'm going to go back and change my previous commentaries to make sure I've said it previously!"

• I hope I actually did mention it previously so that now those mentions themselves are totally suspect!

• Clarity is not something I care about. Obfuscation is fun! I put the fu...n in obfuscation!

• In his zeal to defend his family, Superman destroys the moon. I mean, technically it's still there. But now it has a big hole straight through it and a large chunk has collapsed in on itself thanks to Batman's lunar excavations. On the plus side, Eclipso's property values probably just went way down.

• Superman's plan to defeat Eradicator involves a term I assume I'm just now coining: Kryptokake.

• I wish I had coined the phrase "to coin a phrase."

• Superman left Krypto behind in The Eradicator to help defeat The Eradicator. It seems weird that a purity freak like The Eradicator would think of a Kryptonian Dog as just another Kryptonian soul. I guess even disgusting racist dickholes love dogs. I mean, I don't love dogs! Mostly because they're usually hanging around dog owners.

• Superman and Krypto kill The Eradicator. I think The Eradicator was probably mostly robot or something, right? One of those World Killers? And I suppose Superman thinks it's okay to destroy a sentient robot even if you don't think of yourself as a killer. It's easy enough to rationalize that The Eradicator's sentience was just programming. Plus it's hard to tell a story about a monster who can't be stopped if the hero isn't allowed to kill it at the end. Therefore, comic books find it acceptable to kill certain sentient beings: robots, weird aliens who don't speak English, those returned from the dead with a chip on their shoulder, Doomsday (who, I think, falls into the weird aliens who don't speak English category).

• The people of Earth look up to see a mushroom cloud on the moon. I would be so pissed if I missed seeing that!

• I took a break to go to the store and had the most emotional interaction I'll probably have with another human being all month. I was looking at the flavors of canned cat food when an old man walked up and said, "Gotta find something that damn cat will eat." I loaded some food in my basket and said, as I walked away, "Picky bastards!"

Ugh! Just like a Twitter Sea Lion! You think you've put it down and crushed it with logic and it continues to bray incoherently!

• You know, there's a huge part of me that wishes I were doing a subtle parody comic book review site for the Manosphere.

• Superman takes The Eradicator's cape and ties it around Krypto's neck. Then he puts a bandanna around his neck and renames him Harley Tats. Then I throw up.

• After nearly destroying the moon and risking major flooding around the globe in the process (that's my hot take on Superman actually being responsible and taking The Eradicator fight to the moon!), Superman fixes up the Moon Landing Stage Decorations and poses for a photo op. Now the world knows the new Superman is just as good as the old Superman (if not like five million times better because this Superman hasn't been written by Scott Lobdell!).

• Now that Krypto is back, how are Pet Murdering Bastards Pat and Pete going to bring back Goldie?! I won't forgive them until they figure it out! Jerks!

• Now that the battle is over, here's some cute stuff that I will also ruin with a hot take!

Someday in the future, Jon is going to have memories of wrestling with his nearly naked mom and it will cause...feelings.

• Superman decides it's time to finally introduce Jon to the Justice League. I wonder how long it'll be before Jon and Damian are experimenting with Power Showers?

• Batman discovers it's going to cost him ten billion dollars to fix his Lunar Batcave. Ha ha!

Come on, Batman! Cheer up! This is a Superboy we can all get behind! As opposed to that piece of shit New 52 Superboy who did nothing but ruin every single comic book he guest starred in (which was, like, all of them, I think).

The Opinions!
Is this the best Superman since The New 52 began or the greatest Superman since The New 52 began? If you think I should have thrown in a negative choice, get the fuck out of here! Your opinions are shit! If you're one of those people who defends their opinions by pointing out that all opinions are equal, you do realize that identifies you as a person with shitty opinions, right? Obviously some opinions are more well-informed than others. Like if there were two people with opinions on comic books and one of them was me, my opinion would obviously be the better one in most cases. I suppose if the other person were Grant Morrison or Gail Simone, our opinions would have about equal weight! But only in those cases! I can't think of a case where my opinion would be worse. Maybe if the other opinions were from Jesus?

Rating: +3!

No comments:

Post a Comment