Thursday, September 15, 2016

The Flintstones #1

See, everybody? I'm fucking reading it! Now lay off me!

The Commentary!
• At first I wasn't planning on reading The Flintstones because I don't have any real fondness for the old cartoon. But my comic book shop put it in my pull box anyway, so I picked it up. I'm glad they did because when I found it was written by Mark Russell, the writer of Prez, I was absolutely excited to read it. If this is a fraction as good as Prez was then it'll still be better than most comic books on the shelves.

• Snippets of songs I heard on this show have been with me since my childhood. Not a month goes by that I don't sing one or two (or three!) of the various songs stuck in my head because of this show. First there is the one that Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm sing: "Let the sun shine in! Meet it with a grin. Open up your heart and let the sun shine in!" Then there's the song by the fab group, The Way Outs! "Way out! WAY OUT! That's where the fun is! WAY OUT!" And lastly, the jingle of some prehistoric burger joint: "Here I come on the run with a burger on a bun singing blah blah blah blah blah! Something about lettuce you'll upset us something pickle or some other thing." Anyway, I still often sing that whole "Here I come on the run with a burger on a bun!" part.

• One other way music and The Flintstones was a part of my life was the theme song. At a way too young age, my mom used to let me watch slasher and paranormal horror movies like The Sentinel and The Exorcist and Friday the 13th. When I would lay down to go to sleep and feel terrified, I would simply picture Fred and Wilma in their car driving down an endless road as I sang the theme song to myself until I passed out from exhaustion.

• One other thing I remember about the cartoon. Barney was a fucking pervert! I'm fairly certain there's an episode where he's reluctant to be the back half of a dinosaur costume because he's worried Dino might get some funny ideas. I think there's another moment that became popular on the Internet where Barney jokes about having two heads. Which is a dick joke, of course.

• This issue is called "A Clean Slate". I guess it's about Mr. Slate taking a bath?

• As an aside, for those of you annoyed that I often don't put my punctuation inside the closing quotes, I suggest looking up why Americans and British differ on the topic. I might be American but I choose to do the logical thing and not the traditional way which only came about due to the printing process. Last I checked, the Internet isn't run like a printing press.

• The comic book takes place in the town of Bedrock one hundred thousand years ago!

Page Two and Russell and Pugh had me at a club called "Homo Erectus".

• I'm guessing "Wammoth Bammoth Thank You Mammoth" is where cavemen go to buy their dishwashers and not a brothel.

• My other favorite place in Bedrock? Trey's Bird Slavery Emporium.

• In Bedrock, Homo Sapiens run it all! But recently, Mr. Slate has hired some Neanderthals because they work cheap and illegal. You can't run a profitable quarry without illegals who are also much stronger and not as smart as the citizens of the city! Fred calls Wilma on his Shellphone to tell her he'll be late because he's got to take the new guys to a boxing match. She reminds Fred that he and Barney have some support group for veterans or something down at the lodge.

• Wilma is into cave painting on canvas.

• Morp is apparently their God.

• Barney calls the Neanderthals "cavemen" when Fred comes to pick him up. Now I feel like a jerk referring to the regular citizens of Bedrock as cavemen! I'm so insensitive! I think?

• After the support group, Fred, Barney and the cavemen finally head out to watch the fights.

Apparently every current fighter on the circuit is undefeated.

• So, anyway, Fred teaches the Neanderthals how they have to work a sucky job and hope to move up to another sucky job to pay for all the other sucky crap that encompasses life until they deflate like a pig balloon and are no use to anybody anymore. Except maybe as slave bird feed. But at least Wilma is having a nice life! Her paintings have been accepted in an exhibition at the Bedrock Museum! That's probably just a cave.

• Fred learns that the only people who profit from war are financiers and corporations. He learns this at Mr. Slate's Hot Tub Party where guests are encouraged to bring their own lotion. Ew. I don't want to know any more about it.

I'm with Wilma.

• One of the Neanderthals winds up falling through the ice at Mr. Slate's party while trying to kill a mammoth for Mr. Slate to barbecue. After that, the other Neanderthals decide they've had enough of civilization and bingo bongo bungle head back into the jungle.

• Fred doesn't get the foreman job because he failed to get Mr. Slate cheap labor. So he and Wilma go home leaving Mr. Slate alone with his dessert tortoise.

I only scanned this picture so I could send it to the Non-Certified Spouse. She was terrified of giant sloths as a child because she saw them in a book on prehistoric animals.

• Later at the art exhibit, Wilma's art is skewered by the critics. I totally agree with them: her hand prints are childish but lack the whimsy which would bring a spark of life and joy to the canvas. Critics are awesome!

• Wilma explains to Fred what her art means to her. Well, that's all well and good but since when did what the artist believed matter? Her handprints are still boring crap!

The Review!
How am I supposed to give an intellectual critique of this comic book when Mark Russell made sure to point out that critics are assholes? Fucking dick! I don't go to his job and draw pictures of writers masturbating constantly over their own material before he can even write the material which would make him want to masturbate! Or something. I mean, obviously if I have a criticism with this comic book, it just proves I'm a stupid artwad critic! So I'm not going to offer a criticism of this comic book even though it would have been favorable!

Ranking: +3! Oh yeah! I forgot to give rankings to the Wacky Raceland comic books! I suppose they can have a +1 between them!

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