Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Bloodlines #6

It's a good thing this cover is on the last issue because it's terrible and nobody would ever look at it and think, "I have to pick up this comic book!"

The Facts!
• I'm still confused as to why this comic book exists. I suppose it exists because idiots like me buy comic books like this. But who at DC Comics thought, "You know what we haven't exploited enough? Bloodlines! I mean, we designed that shit to make us wheelbarrows full of cash! Why the fuck aren't all the crazy characters we trademarked during the Bloodlines Annual Debacle of Nineteen Ninety Whatever more popular?! You people do know we're doing movies now, right? Let's get some fucking Bloodlines movies going! Who wouldn't rush to the movies with a marquee reading 'SPARX!' in 3-D! Or 'JOE PUBLIC'! Or 'LIONHEART'! Or 'LOOSE CANNON'! Or...hey, you guys want to wake up? I'm making a killer pitch here!"

• Although, now that I've refreshed my mind with the list of truly horrible names and ideas of characters that came out of Bloodlines, I think it could make a terrific Netflix series. Given the right writers, of course! Somebody can make these terrible Bloodlines characters interesting in a way that doesn't ignore how absolutely terrible they are. It would have to be acknowledged that most of the powers people received sucked and most of the people who received those powers were unimaginative idiots who came up with terrible monikers.

• Currently, the Bloodlines Gang have found themselves on the Boss Level. The Bloodlines Queen is living in the crater where the meteor hit and turning all of the humans gathered up by Cardinal Sin into more terrible Bloodlines characters. Hopefully this isn't one of those final fights where the bad guy punches harder for a bit and then the good guys punch harder for a bit and then the bad guy punches so hard that she almost wins and then the good guys rally and punch hardest of all to win. I want to read a battle that's actually thought out for once. What happened to those battles where somebody said something like "One last chance!" and then did something crazy to save the day? Now they just say something like "I have more heart and stuff!" so that they can power through the beating and knock out or kill the bad guy with just a punch or a blast of their powers.

• The first problem is Cardinal Sin! Unless his name is Father Bad Guy. Whatever! He needs to be stopped so that the dozens of people battling back stop believing in God and just walk away.

Really? That pipsqueak just choked the fuck out of that old man with one hand? Maybe Albert not only has invisibility but super strength in one hand.

• Eddie the Incredible Bulk decides it's okay to kill all of the Bloodlines victims attacking him. Why not? Duncan the Urban Hunter said it was okay! And he killed his wife and kids! Why would he have done that if he wasn't telling the truth? You know, aside from maybe he didn't really love them and was sick of them ruining his life.

• Eddie the Incredible Dolt tells the other Bloodlines Gang members to walk away from the battle with the Bloodlines Queen because...well, I don't know why he does. They all have useful combat skills (except for Albert. He'd never be able to choke the Bloodlines Queen with just one hand) so you'd think they'd be an asset. Heck, they have better weapons than Eddie: knives, guns, electricity! But Eddie doesn't buy into all that team bullshit! I agree with him. Teams never really work as teams. Like the Titans! They'll be defeated and Nightwing will be all, "We didn't work together! Let's work together this time!" Then they'll do exactly the same thing they did when they were beaten but, because they said they were working together, they win! Eddie just decides that beating the Bloodlines Queen to death with his fists is probably the right course of action.

• Where is little Anima? You know, the six year old with the head and face of a twenty-six year old?

• Eddie the Incredible Joke declares, "I have more heart and stuff!" And just like that, he tears the Bloodlines Queen limb from limb from limb from limb from limb from limb from limb. Hooray! What a magnificently structured story!

• Duncan the Urban Hunter starts counting out a number of bullets which are exactly equal to the number of members in the Bloodlines Gang. First bullet is for Blake! You know, Gunfire! The jerk who turned bad first. But Haley remembers reading Of Mice and Men, so she kills him herself. Or, at least, it seems like she kills him. What she actually does is stab the parasite inside of him and yank it out. Then she walks away crying instead of waiting for him to begin to cough before making a miraculous recovery! After that, Haley can stab everybody and they'll all be fine!

• Dana and Eddie do it. Probably awkwardly.

• The next day, we discover Haley actually owns a full pair of pants. But why bother now? They'll be torn up shorts the next time she Wolver...er, knives out!

• The Bloodlines Gang climb into Blake's car and head to Metropolis to visit STAR Labs. Maybe they can get somebody who can actually perform delicate surgery to remove the parasites because it looks like maybe Blake didn't survive Haley gutting him. Whoops!

• The series ends with Anima murdering a bunch of people in a bar. Cliffhanger!

My Opinions!
It's not like I expected this series to have any kind of an ending other than the typical beat the shit out of the Boss Monster ending. It's not like I picked up Bloodlines by J.T. Krul thinking that I was going to read a story I'll never forget. It's not like any of that happened and took me by surprise. So, you know, this was exactly what I thought it was going to be. It's a comic book that sells for $2.99 an issue but is really only worth maybe fifty cents per issue. It's the kind of series nobody puts a lot of thought into but executives are probably crossing their fingers that a character within it somehow proves popular with the audience. Of course, only delusional business executives could think J.T. Krul would be the writer to make that happen. I think this was just an opportunity to try to breathe some life into some old trademarks. I guess they accomplished that?

Ranking: -3!

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