Friday, September 16, 2016

Doom Patrol #1

I chose this cover because the gyro cover is for hipster douchebags who calculate every move they make so they seem more intelligent than everybody else. Fuck those guys and their secret gyro universe!

The Commentary!
• I just had a thought. What if this entire Young Animal line is aimed at hipster douchebags? Oh fuck. Well, at least I'll still have my actually smart and satirical Hanna-Barbera comic books!

• I don't really care if the douchebag is a hipster or not. It's really just the people who treat their life as some kind of performance to win adulation from their peers that annoy the fuck out of me. I just threw in the hipster thing because this whole Young Animal line has hipster stink all over it. But then, so did Batgirl of Burnside and I enjoyed that comic book. So I'm not anti comic books with hipster trappings! Go ahead and base your comic book in an artsy toy store that also sells punk rock t-shirts and vinyl records as long as the characters are fun and interesting, the plots are dynamic and exciting, and the themes make me shit my pants in existential terror.

• I wonder how many people think I'm a hipster? I do have a beard and live in Portland! That does cause me a lot of angst, especially when I see a young person with a beard on the streets. I'm like, "Ugh! Beards suck! And you're too fucking young to be sick and tired of shaving! Why are you putting yourself through the misery of a beard?! I can hardly stand my beard but I can't spend any more of my life shaving every other day!" Then I tear off my shirt and scream and charge at them, throwing them to the ground with spittle bubbling up out of my mouth and snot streaming down my upper lip as I tear handfuls of their beard off of their face before disappearing into the nearest fancy-pants ice cream shop.

• Speaking of beards, I fucking need to trim this shit today. That way, I can look more like a devil crossed with a civil war general and less like a hobo who left his bindle on the train who is just looking for a quiet bush to lay down in and die.

• This issue is called "Happy Birthday, Casey Brinke". I guess it's about Casey Brinke's birthday.

• Casey Brinke drives an ambulance and has a problem with visions or daydreams or fixating on the narrative instead of on her own story. It's hard to tell being that this is a Doom Patrol comic book.

• Casey is, surprisingly, a perky young woman with lots of perk who's so perky and cute that nobody can even stand it. Awesome! I'm so excited for a writer to explore a character type hardly ever seen in today's comic books!

• Casey also might be the daughter of a god who has lived for one or two or possibly even three Yuga. Also she might be an alien just trying to be the best human being she can be. Also her ambulance might be her spaceship or her infinite cycle of birth and destruction. It's hard to tell being that this is a Doom Patrol comic book.

• Casey is probably an alien since making her some kind of god in the Hindu cycle of life and death would take research which is time consuming. Making her an alien allows Gerard Way to simply use his imagination! Much easier!

In other words, everybody is full of secrets and you can never actually get as close to any other person as you truly would like which means we're all desperately lonely and grasping at any intimate contact we can while constantly failing since all of it is as elusive as shadows cast on the wall.

• Casey and her EMT partner Sam talk gyro philosophy and my mind is blown. A universe inside of a gyro?! Gross! Everybody would be covered in cum sauce! Cum is short for cucumber!

• Sam talks about a possible universe inside of his gyro and then he eats the gyro and says, "Then you put the universe inside of you--you feel me?!" Is he trying to tell Casey that he's a cannibal?

• It turns out there actually is a secret universe inside of Sam's gyro! Can you believe it?! Cliff Steele lives there on a Phantasmesque world! That's a world like the alien world in Phantasm and not a world that's sort of phantom-like!

• Cliff blows up the gyro universe and explodes out of the gyro and back into the real world as Casey and Sam rush off to investigate a hit and run rather than investigating the exploding gyro. Some things are too weird to allow into your psyche. It's better to just pretend they never happened and live the rest of your life trying not to look too long into the eyes of the person who experienced the weirdness with you lest you both acknowledge the world is seriously fucked up.

• Meanwhile some guy named Ricardo is in an abandoned building asking every brick if it's Danny the Street. He looks like maybe he worked in Orlando and was taking to wherever he currently is by Danny and abandoned. He's grown a huge beard (so maybe he's in Portland?) so the reader understands this guy has been lost for a long time. And, apparently, so has Danny. Poor Danny. Ricardo doesn't know the kind of shit Danny's been through. He had to fucking guest star in Lobdell's Teen Titans he was so down on his luck! Poor bastard.


• Casey's dispatch has become a nonsense spewing voice named Em. It has led Casey and her ambulance to Cliff Steele. And even though it seemed like Em was maybe talking nonsense about a hit and run since there wasn't one when Casey arrived, she may also have just been a bit confused by time because Cliff is hit by a trash truck full of stuffed animals as he crosses the street right in front of Casey. I bet I know what Cliff is thinking! He's probably thinking, "Again?!" I don't mean "again" as in "I've been hit by a trash truck full of stuffed animals again!" I mean more like "Once again I'm appearing in yet another comic book where my body is completely destroyed!"

• It's at this point, with Casey picking up pieces of Robotman to load into the ambulance and put back together in her spare time, the evil bad villain guys are introduced. They are, of course, CEOs of intergalactic fast food restaurants. Obviously fast food is the biggest villain in the world. The best evidence is how most people would die if somebody they know ever saw them in a fast food restaurant drive thru after having spent an inordinate amount of time among their peers explaining how fast food was the worst thing in the world.

• The alien fast food moguls want to turn Danny the Street into a burger making factory since Danny can make organic matter out of nothing. They're going to call it Danny Burgers so that readers won't be confused by their plan.

Just in case the reader didn't realize just how weird and quirky and individual and perky and upbeat and pixieish Casey was, here is a scene with her down-to-Earth roommate who can't see the whimsy and beauty of life.

• Poor cats. Everybody wants to name their cats the cutest most wootest adowabowlest thingy ever! It's a feather in a person's cap to have somebody say, "That's your cat's name? So dumb."

• Casey's roommate answers the door to an intergalactic singing telegram for Casey Brinke's birthday. It ends with the roommate being blown up which is better than he deserves. What a social zombie grump jerk! He didn't appreciate life in that special way that declares to everybody around you that you're totally appreciating life way more than everybody else. I'm glad he's dead!

• Casey also points out that it's not her birthday. But what does she know?! She's just an alien princess slash Hindu goddess trapped in a human body! It's hard to tell being that this is a Doom Patrol comic book.

• The singing telegram lady is just the right kind of jolly quirky that Casey needs in her life! So she takes over the roommate spot and moves in. She also compliments Casey on her jacket and Casey doesn't say, "I stole it off of a broken robot corpse."

• Casey's new roommate is named Terry None. I guess she's a dadaist nobody. Totally the coolest person in any coffee shop.

• Meanwhile somewhere else, Danny the Brick has brained the shit out of some alien guy in a room with a lion pierced by a bunch of light arrows with statues in masks lining the walls. Danny simply says, "I'm sorry."

The Review!
Sometimes the Doom Patrol tries too hard to be the Doom Patrol and sometimes the Doom Patrol does the Doom Patrol just right. Where, you ask, does this comic book fall in that regard? It's hard to tell being that this is a Doom Patrol comic book.

Ranking: +1!

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