Thursday, September 8, 2016

Scooby Apocalypse #4

I think Shaggy's cock is hanging out of his fly.

The Facts!
• Here's how I hope the romantic hook-ups go: Fred and Shaggy; Scooby and Daphne; Velma and every piece of vibrating electronics she can get between her legs.

• I like how Jim Lee gets a "based on a concept" credit for this book. Does he get royalties for thinking up the concept of the Scooby Gang battling real monsters in a post-apocalyptic world?

• How about Perfect Strangers in the dark ages? If anybody uses that, I want a "based on a concept" credit!

• Currently, the Scooby Gang has stopped at a gas station convenience store to stock up on snacks. They probably should have read the signs before heading in because they're just the kind of signs that wink at the reader in just that way that says, "We get what's about to happen, right? 'Stop in for a BITE'! Get it? 'Open dawn till dusk'? Get it? I mean, reverse it and get it? 'Service with a "smile"'? Why is the word 'smile' in quotes?! Seems ominous!" Oh, also at the end of the last issue, there was a vampire in the stock room.

• Daphne seems to have gotten over the guilt of murdering monsters who used to be people because she's now confidently wielding a huge gun she found in the Mystery Machine. She doesn't look a bit worried about having to kill more people-monsters!

• Daphne still doesn't trust Velma because Daphne was one of those conspiracy journalists who chase after every story which could prove that seemingly trustworthy people aren't trustworthy at all. Who better to bring down than a bunch of arrogant scientists who claim they're using science to save the world? More than likely they're using science to advance a nefarious agenda that isn't completely made up in the heads of lunatic paranoids at all!

• The trouble with this comic book is that Daphne is right and the scientists are doing exactly what she suspected they were doing. But Velma isn't one of them! She really should trust Velma. How can you not trust somebody who wears that short of a skirt? She's got my full attention!

• Daphne has been left on guard duty while Fred and Shaggy sleep and Velma worries. Scooby is just standing around staring at who-knows-what.

I never understood why vampires make more vampires. Isn't that just making more competition for limited resources? I mean, unless you meet a limited resource that you think you might want to fuck for eternity. Then I can understand making them into a vampire. Although according to Ann Rice, if you make somebody a vampire, you lose your intimate connection with them and everything falls apart and then Lestat goes off to pout for another century.

• Scooby Doo is way too brave in this comic book. He's supposed to run from danger not confront it head on! Was one of Jim Lee's concepts to have none of the characters act like they did in the cartoon? That seems like a pretty bold idea! "I know!" he probably began pretend humbly. "I'll draw the characters to look like the cartoon characters (although maybe tighten up Velma a bit so she makes Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea's dick hard) but Shaggy will be useful, Scooby will be brave, Daphne will, what was Daphne? Wasn't her personality just hot and stylish? No wait. Wasn't that Fred's personality? Did they have personalities in the cartoon?! Anyway, um, Keith and J.M. (what does that stand for anyway? Jerk Machine?), just do whatever you want with the characters. Don't bother watching the cartoons for research because they're terrible."

• Daphne blows off the top half of the vampire. She really has come to terms with her new life of killing people who probably only need a shot of Anti-Nanites to return them to normal.

• Velma's turtle neck is actually a mock hoodie. I mean a real hoodie and not a mock turtle neck. I don't even know if I'm using mock turtle neck right. What the fuck is that supposed to be? Anyway, I just wanted to point out that there's a panel where she has her hoodie up but the colorist, fucking robot extraordinaire Hi-Fi, colored the hoodie the same color as her hair instead of orange. Way to fuck up, you stupid robot.

• I wish robot's had feelings so Hi-Fi would feel bad about its mistake!

• Since the vampires regenerate, the Scooby Gang decide to declare the case closed, hop in the Mystery Machine, and flee the scene. Since this issue is called "Fur and Fangs", I figure they'll run into a pack of werewolves next.

• The Scooby Gang finally come to the realization that they're going to have to hunt down the four scientists who got the world into this mess. If they'd been reading my commentaries, they would have known that during Issue #1! Unless I first pointed out that was going to be the basic structure of the story in Issue #2's commentaries. Whichever it was, let me just say: Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

• Usually Keith and J.M. recycle the same jokes over and over. In this series, they just keep recycling the same conversation between Velma and Daphne over and over. Velma says the scientists didn't do this. Daphne says they did. Velma says they didn't. Daphne says they did. I think I've read that argument at least seven times since this series began.

• Scrappy-Doo makes an appearance way earlier than I imagined he would. He's not dead so nobody has to drink until they die (those were the rules of my Scooby Doo Drinking Game!). And he isn't the cause of the apocalypse, so nobody has to never drink again (more rules!). But he is an articulate little bastard who thinks Scooby is a coward and a moron. He doesn't say, at least not yet, "Let me at 'em! Let me at 'em!" When he finally does say that, y'all should probably drink.

• I think maybe the "fur" in the title referred to Scrappy-Doo and his army of semi-intelligent, half-robot dogs.

• The bonding I thought was happening last issue happens less subtly this issue. And by less subtly, I mean Fred says, "Well, whaddayou know? You're bonding!" So see? They'll be the regular old Scooby Gang in no time! Plus Shaggy and Scooby are total pigs so at least that part of their personalities is intact.

• While looting a store, the Scooby Gang fail to notice the place being surrounded by devil creatures. So this issue is ending exactly like Issue #2 ended with monster mechanics about to attack, and exactly like Issue #3 ended with vampires about to attack. I guess if the cartoon could be formulaic, why can't the comic book?

The Opinions!
This issue didn't have enough shots of Velma's ass.

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