Friday, September 30, 2016

Nightwing #5

Shouldn't the title of this crossover be "Nightwing of the Monster Men"?

The Review!
While I was typing up my thoughts on Team Titans #6, I thought up something else that I wanted to write about but didn't want to put it in the Team Titans review. But I knew it would work great here! But by the time I remembered why I was scanning the cover of Nightwing #6 instead of New Titans #96, I'd forgotten what I wanted to discuss. So instead, I wrote this stupid shit where I talk about forgetting what I was going to talk about. Writers are the worst when they pull this kind of crap. "Oh! I need to write daily but I don't know what to write about so how about I write about how I don't know what to write about!" Stop it, Writers. Just because Charlie Kaufman managed to trick people into loving Adaptation, it doesn't mean you're going to get famous writing about your process. Although, that bit in Adaptation where Charlie Kaufman kept jerking off because writing is too difficult to face? Totally true. My fucking dick is raw.

Oh! And don't expect a future paragraph that begins "Oh! I remember what I was going to write about!" because it's fucking gone, man. Gone! I can tell. That idea flew the coop and there's no coercing it back.

Anyway, Monster Men are attacking Gotham. The first chapter was a standard set-up and a little bit boring. I'm hoping the Monsters in this one are less Japanese Kaiju and more Viral Japanese Death Ghost.

Oh! I remember what I was going to write about! My friend loaned me all of the Lemony Snicket Series of Unfortunate Events books last year. Each one can be read in about five hours but I didn't spend a lot of time with them, so it took me all year. Actually, it's going to take me longer. You see, as I was coming up on my 45th birthday at the beginning of this week, I was thinking, "Shit! There's still one book left to read! I'd better get to it before my birthday!" So I took it out of the box and thought, "Why the fuck is the final book called The Penultimate Peril? That's fucking...GODDAMN IT!" So it turns out I still have one book to read, The End, which I don't have. So I guess the Baudelaires will just have to live on that boat with Olaf for the rest of their goddamned lives. The little fuckers probably deserve it. "Fuckers" is a word which here means "all three Baudelaire children's stupid faces".

Other books I don't have which I need to read: Batman Beyond #13 and The Sheriff of Babylon #10!

Duke Thomas, Batman's Better-Than-Robin sidekick that has all the Fangenders up in arms because how dare Batman say he wants to try something better than Robin?! Shouldn't he say "different"?! Why can't Batman act the way the Fangenders want! Not that any two groups of Fangenders can agree on anything. I remember the days when the Fangenders could hardly interact with each other and definitely didn't have access to the artists and could only whine to each other down at the local comic book shop. Now everybody can simply ask them a question on Twitter whenever they want. Or accuse them of being gross assholes who don't fucking get it because how dare they?!

So, as I was saying before I digressed myself out of finishing my initial sentence, Duke Thomas has devised a Batman Emergency Alert System for Gotham in just such a Monster Hurricane Situation as this Night of the Monster Men thing.

Christ. No wonder Red Robin was "killed" and Bluebird sent off to school. Who needs them when Duke is practically the same exact type of genius?

Spoiler, Orphan, and Clayface are helping evacuate the city. Batman and Batwoman are battling the monsters (or Monster since, so far, they're only attacking one at a time). Duke and Alfred are experimenting on Monster cells to try to find a way to turn them back into corpses. And Dick Grayson has been tasked with finding Hugo Strange and kicking him in the nuts.

Nightwing discovers four bodies are missing. Does that mean this will only run four issues? Because the Cyclops died last issue. And it looks like the Hydra-Gryphon will probably eat it this issue. Then the Deadly Rage Mushroom Worm will be causing trouble by the end of this issue, probably. Which leaves the last Monster which might be some kind of gigantic tadpole. Dick's investigating and should know more in a few pages! Until then, I'll just pretend like I know what's about to happen. I totally do! Woo-ee! You just won't believe it!

Oh wait! The gigantic tadpole is actually a mutant spider dude. I probably could have guessed that if I had paid closer attention to the cover. It looks like Dick will be dealing with that one on his own while Spoiler, Orphan, and Clayface deal with the Angry Fungi in Detective Comics. Probably.

Oh wait! Dick doesn't have to face the mutant spider dude like on the cover because Gotham Girl has decided she will go fight it, no matter how Psycho-Pirated her brain still is. And that's when this issue ends!

The Ranking!
0! This is a Nightwing comic book and I don't think fans of Nightwing would appreciate a story where he's harangued by Batman to leave the action and then on his way to more action, he's beat to the punch by Gotham Girl. Why is he even bothering with this crossover at all?! At least he saved one citizen. I guess that was supposed to be a nice, heroic moment. I mean, it was one person more he saved than in the entire late 80's run of The New Teen Titans!

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