Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Trinity #1

Oh, who fucking cares?

The Commentary!
Do comic book writers still want to pitch stories about these assholes? I have a feeling Francis Manapul went into the pitch meeting with an idea for a clever Gypsy, Hawkman, and Congorilla story. Dan Didio was probably all, "I love it! I love the energy! I love your enthusiasm for the story! I love that you didn't ask to write any Kirby characters since I have dibs on them! But do you think maybe the story would still work with characters who can sell a comic book?"

So that's probably how we wound up with yet another fucking comic book starring Batman and, to a lesser extent, his lessers, Wonder Woman and Superman. I can't fucking wait to see the twist on these characters that absolutely demanded this comic book be made!

This issue begins with Lois Lane spouting off like it's the first five minutes of some overblown drama which you know is going to have you crying your eyes out by the end. She begins by talking about parents and their kids. If this were a Stephen King book, I would already be writing off the kid as roadkill. But it's not! It's a comic book and the kid is Jon Smith, Superman's son. So he'll probably be safe for this story. Hell, everybody will probably be safe for this story! I think the major conflict will be Batman insulting Lois Lane in her own home and refusing to apologize.

Wait. Are there wolves in my walls? Did they go in there to catch the rats?

Lois Lane's metaphor about walls being put up to protect children from wolves is making me crazy. Her point is that walls keep the bad stuff out but eventually the bad stuff will find a way in so the best thing to do is to break down the walls so that the wolves can get in but also the non-wolves can get in to help fight the wolves but most people can't tell the difference between wolves and non-wolves. But Lois can because she's a reporter and thus a better mother than most other mothers who just let all the fucking wolves in the house and watch their children get mauled. So now we know that Lois Lane is a narcissist and possibly insane.

Too bad Lois's son is an idiot who is sneaking wolves behind the wall without her knowing. Apparently he was supposed to go get some fertilizer or something and instead of buying the usual stuff, he took some free shit from some weird fucker. That isn't going to bite everybody in the ass now, is it?! I bet the ass biting begins right around when Batman insults Lois's tea by pointing out Alfred's is way better.

Batman and Wonder Woman are making a friendly visit to the Smith farm. Diana even brought a dead wild boar to butcher. Superman is still on his way home so Lois has more time to kill thinking about walls. Oh! I've got a joke about fences which are basically walls: "Why do good fences make good neighbors? Because people are idiots who constantly forget the part of Robert Frost's poem where he says 'Something there is that doesn't love a wall.'" That wasn't a very good joke, was it? Maybe I should build a wall to keep out criticism of my jokes.

Lois has decided Clark's walls need to come down whether he likes it or not. That's marriage! It's where you step all over another person's feelings and just fuck around with their life without first getting their consent! Unless that's just bad marriage? No, no. It's all relationships. Two people can't live one life. Somebody is always going to be getting the poopy end of the stick.

Over dinner, Clark tells a story about the time Batman wore a Rainbow Suit to protect Robin. The real point of the story is how Batman endangers young children. But that's not a pleasant thought and nobody wants to get into that aspect of the Batman and Robin dynamic. It's better to just figure that it can't be helped and Batman is doing the only thing he can for these young kids and, anyway, they do more to save his life than he does to save theirs. They temper him and make him more cautious and give him a future to care about. Batman, of course, denies the Rainbow Suit (but not the endangering children). He can deny it all he wants! I saw proof of it in the Sugar and Spike story in Legends of Tomorrow #1!

Meanwhile outside, the bad stuff is beginning to happen.

Lois's wall metaphor is abandoned because now she's getting to the part where Clark, Bruce, and Diana need to begin forging a friendship. So now instead of building walls, they're At the end of the night as Clark, Bruce, and Diana talk out in the yard, Clark hears something from the barn. So he goes to check it out and he finds Pa Kent harvesting grain with young Clark behind him. Or something. I don't know. Maybe Jon planted some Black Mercies in the yard or something.

The Ranking!
+1. Manapul's art is gorgeous as always. And he seems to write better than a lot of writer-artists. Also, I'm convinced that this comic book is probably needed. Since DC fucked up everything by making a new Superman that everybody needs to get to know again, DC needs a book where everybody can once again get comfortable with him. I hope once Batman and Diana trust him, this book will stop being Trinity and just become a new version of DC Comics Presents!

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