Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Wacky Raceland #2

If at all possible, I will always choose a cover with Dick Dastardly. Unless one of the covers eventually shows the Turbo Terrific and the Compact Pussycat fucking.

The Facts!
• It's sometimes hard to tell how filthy-minded people from the past actually were. In a general sense, I believe the amount of cynicism among the general populace wasn't as great while the amount of naiveté was greater. So when I look back at the Wacky Races cartoon, I have to wonder if the artist who designed the Turbo Terrific and the Compact Pussycat knew he was making a sexually explicit visual comment on the Peter and Penelope? I would have to think he knew but owing to that greater level of naiveté, it was something that could easily make it onto a kid's cartoon. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, here are the two cars:

A head-on collision between these two cars would be x-rated.

• The current race is in San Francisco. That probably means they'll encounter a gay earthquake who is tripping balls.

• Dick Dastardly drives by a building that allows him to reminisce about his life before the apocalypse. He can't do it while driving though so he stops and gets out of the car, ignoring the radiation and cannibal mutants. Maybe he left some devious trap supplies in the building and he needs them to make sure the Anthill Mob wind up with Hepatitis C. Oh, and also lose the race, of course!

• Apparently Dick Dastardly was a famous concert pianist before the world went to shit. And also not-so-apparently and maybe I'm interpreting the story wrong, but his piano playing causes plagues. Also maybe he plays the violin. And maybe the plagues were just happening. And maybe...well, anyway, some horrible cataclysm hits San Francisco and Dick, being inside the secure vault with the Stradivarius he was showing his wife and child, survives. But his wife and child were locked out of the vault. By Dick. So, you know, he watched them die. So I guess that's supposed to make him a bad guy? I think it makes him a survivor!

• Meanwhile, the rest of the racers are being attacked by cannibals and nanites and underground comic book artists. It's not the most exciting story. Just a bunch of scenes with how each of the different racers tries to avoid the nanites. Pat Pending gets his Convert-a-Car to convert. The Gruesome Twosome gruesomely drag some cannibals behind the Creepy Coupe to distract the nanites. The Red Max continues to say as many transphobic things as he can think of to Sergeant Blast. And Peter Perfect decides to blast an EMP to disable all of the nanites. Of course, that kills all of their cars as well. If this were the cartoon, the Anthill Mob would all lift up the frame of the car and run across the finish line on their feet to win. But since this is a comic book and not a silly cartoon, I hope Dick Dastardly wins since his car is still operational, being that he was left way behind while he picks up the violin he left all those years ago for some reason. I mean, why didn't he take it with him the night his son and wife and everybody in San Francisco died?

• Oh, maybe he didn't want the violin after all. He just wanted to finish his concert and apologize to the audience for taking their money without giving them the performance they paid for.

I would prefer it if Muttley were sniggering.

• After Dick's family died that night, The Announcer came to him and turned his car into the sentient Mean Machine. The Announcer then promised Dick that if he could win the Wacky Races, she would be able to bring Dick's wife and son back to life. He agrees although he forgets to ask The Announcer if they could be brought to life with just a little bit of their memories cut off at the end of their previous lives. Because, I mean, how happy are they going to be to see him when their last memories are of him locking them out of his safe room to watch them die in a firestorm?

• Back to the others, it seems the EMP killed the cars but not the nanites. They were able to bring themselves back online and now the racers are all racing on foot to the finish line as they try to outrun death.

• Dick passes by the other racers and refuses to blow his EMP to help them out. Why do they even ask him? They saw how that didn't work before! I think they're just trying to get him to be stuck in the same position. What awful, awful people all of the racers who aren't Dick Dastardly are!

• Dick does use his EMP but only after he wins the race. Good job, Dick Dastardly! I can't believe he won a race in only the second issue! Did Ken Pontac ever even watch the fucking cartoon?! Dick never wins!

• At the finish line, the Racers are beset upon by cannibals before they can beat Dick's ass for not saving their lives quickly enough. Fucking ungrateful bastards! Dick Dastardly is a hero and a race winner and a survivor! How dare they treat him so shabbily. I've never read a character that is more upstanding and inspiring as Dick Dastardly! My hero!

My Opinions!
Hopefully this comic book doesn't concentrate on just the more human of the racers. I think we've got a pretty good handle on who Dick and Peter and Penelope and Red Max and Sergeant Blast and Pat Pending are. I want more stories about the Gruesome Twosome and the Slagg Brothers and Rufus Roughcut's beaver friend, Sawtooth! What's going on with those guys?! We already saw what was up with Blubber Bear which was less interesting, I thought, than having Luke running around with a cowardly, anxiety-filled bear as his partner. Why couldn't he have a sentient bear in this book? Why isn't Muttley more human? Why can't a beaver be a co-driver?! This thing has sentient cars and an omnipotent announcer! I want this comic book to be weirder than it is and less based in sci-fi realities. I want sci-fi fantasies!

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