Friday, September 9, 2016

Supergirl #1

Oh man! I hope her bum is as cute as her face!

The Facts!
• I love the term "hot take" for internet think pieces! Mostly because it makes every single opinion on the Internet sound disingenuous! Which, of course, they are! Now here's my hot take on Supergirl #1! You won't believe what I say!

• The issue begins with a poem, I think. And then a double page spread of Supergirl flying over Io which the comic book describes as "one of the last habitable places in the solar system." Are they crazy?! It's not habitable at all! It's all lava and lava plumes and lava lakes and lava lava and...oh wait! It says "least habitable." Never mind.

• The scene changes from Io to National City so the narrator can say "And so is this!" As in National City is also one of the least habitable places in the solar system! Ha ha! That's funny because...wait. I don't know why it's funny yet. Why is National City not very habitable? I bet it's because rent is so high because people are selfish pricks. If you're one of those house flippers, you can just fuck off from reading my blog! I mean, if you're a house flipper, you probably have better, more money making things to do than read a stupid blog about comic books. But I just want you to know that I disapprove of your actions! You aren't adding anything of value to the world! You're simply making it more expensive for people to find places to live so that you can line your own stupid pockets! I know your pockets are stupid because they're full of cash and I'm envious of them.

• Kara is currently learning how to parallel park for some reason. Parallel parking isn't on the driver's test so why bother learning it?! The only reason you need to know how to parallel park is because the streets are full of fucking cars because every old house in older neighborhoods has been converted into four or five units without any parking so now there are four to five times as many people with cars living on the block than there used to be and the only way you're ever going to park anywhere near where you live is if you can squeeze a car into a space three inches smaller than your car actually is. It's possible! But not if you go nose first!

• Later Kara goes to high school because she needs to learn how to socialize. She needs to know that punching people in the face and exploding your vagina in public aren't polite (although they are exciting!). Although aren't those the kinds of things people do in high school? I don't think she's going to learn anything new!

This makes no sense at all.

• Does Kara wear a wig when she's a high school student or when she's Supergirl? Or do Kryptonians living under a yellow sun have the power to change their hair color at will? I'm getting déjà vu typing this!

• Why does the phrase "déjà vu" have so many scribbles all over it?!

• Kara is having trouble at school because Earth school is way too archaic for her smarts. Her school is like "What is 2 plus 2?" And she's all, "I can only do infinity plus infinity or higher!"

• Kara has a classmate named Ben Rubel who is--get this!--a super genius! Wow! I'm glad DC Comics finally had the guts to create a smart teenager! Usually they just...oh wait. I was about to defend my statement when I realized I was being sarcastic.

• Ben is worried that Kara is super smart even though she can't use a toaster or do primitive calculus. And he doesn't want any other mysterious smart kids at his science school because that's his thing! Plus she might get wind of Cat Grant's Young Innovators Grant for People Not Named Grant. And she might win! Even though she can't work a pencil sharpener.

• Ben is creepily spying on Supergirl as she eats lunch and then gets suspicious when she leaves the cafeteria because there are still three periods left. Maybe she's fucking going to the bathroom, Ben! Maybe you should mind your own fucking business, Ben! Maybe you should stop trying to insinuate yourself into my girlfriend's life, BEN!

• Ben is right to be suspicious even though he really shouldn't have been suspicious at all. Unless she just ran out the door, down the front lawn, through the parking lot, and off into the horizon. That might be suspicious! But Kara just got up from her table and walked out of the cafeteria. So suspicious! I mean, she is leaving school to go stop a robbery on a train because she heard the threat with her super senses. But Ben couldn't know that, no matter how smart and mysterious he is.

This wouldn't worry me at all! I don't own a smart phone!

• I have two main reasons I don't own a smart phone. The first reason is that I don't agree with Contract Culture. I don't believe, to be a consumer, a person needs to agree to stay with a company for a certain amount of time. I understood that some of that was part of the system so that the true price of the phone could be subsidized and subsumed by the length of service demanded by the contract. That's changing to a great degree but it already spearheaded the movement where companies now love charging people a monthly fee for cloud based technology instead of a one time fee to own the rights to use a program indefinitely. But even if I were willing to pay the high monthly fee for a smart phone that didn't demand a two-year contract, I still wouldn't own one. Why the fuck do I want to be beholden to everybody who fucking knows me? They'll just demand my attention constantly! If they text, they'll know I have the phone on me and if I don't text back, they'll know I'm avoiding them! It's easier to just avoid everybody constantly by not having a phone at all! Besides, I am so super smart and full of information that I don't need to constantly check Google while having conversations to understand what everybody is talking about. And if I can't recall something, I don't mind living with a little mystery in my life!

• Speaking about how super smart I am, I watched The Exorcist on Netflix last night and I'm fairly certain I don't have a clue what's happening in three-quarters of that movie! I did notice before watching it that Sharknado has a higher rating on Netflix than The Exorcist. Does anybody actually use those five star ratings to determine what they're going to watch? I figure most people watching things on Netflix are idiots and their critiques aren't worth the part of the bathroom floor I sometimes accidentally pee on because my penis is looking the wrong way and I was too lazy to make sure it wasn't. I use the rating system simply to remember what I've seen on Netflix. If I watch something, I rate it 5 Stars just so I know I've watched it. I don't care how bad it is! Everything gets 5 Stars! Hmm, I might be part of the reason why you shouldn't trust the ratings on Netflix.

• The guy leading the data robbery on the train is an idiot. Supergirl uses her heat vision to melt their guns and he yells, "No! The Dataphage!" She does melt the Dataphage but not until the panel after he yells that. Next he tries to punch a sixteen year old girl in the face (she's fictional so it's okay. That's the same excuse I use to not feel creepy checking out her bum) and she uses her super breath to freeze his hand. He then yells--because he's stupid remember--"Gah! My hands!" Hands! Plural! Dude, you just broke one hand! Ah ha ha ha! What a massive idiot!

• Supergirl is all, "Why would you idiots be so idiotic to pull this idiotic stunt in my idiotic city? Idiots!" And Cat Grant is all, "I've got this now, Supergirl! You stop them from causing harm; I humiliate them!"

• Cat Grant acts arrogant and smart and professional. She's come a long way from publishing photos of Superman and Wonder Woman kissing on I hope somebody asks her about that site at some point so she can explain why she didn't sell it for millions of dollars when she had the chance. The only story it ever ran that got any hits was the kissing photo! You sell that shit when you get an offer, Cat!

• Maybe by not selling, Cat developed the site into her springboard to become the hottest hot person in National City! Look who's stupid now! Oh, it's me! Dammit!

• Cat Grant annoys me. Mostly because I can't stand strong, independent women. But also because she's arrogant and rude and has that thing in comic books where characters simply know everything by reading the situation to prove that they're super smart and capable. I hate that! That's not a thing! Here's a thing though: people who think they know everything by reading the situation as they try to prove how super smart and capable they are! But in comic books, those people never wind up being wrong! So annoying!

• Supergirl not only gets chewed out by Cat Grant for stepping in and saving the day in a way different than the way Cat Grant planned on saving it (which probably would have turned into a massacre once the robbers realized their Dataphage was corrupted by some asshat on the train who forgot to somehow hack their guns), she gets screamed at by Cameron Chase at the DEO for saving the day in a way that showed people Kryptonians are better than humans.

Shut up, Supergirl! Arrogant, asshole adults are telling you the way things are!

• The Danvers try to make Kara comfortable in her new home with them but they just fuck it all up the way parents do. It's because they're so old! They just don't understand what it's like to be young! Or Kryptonian! So Supergirl runs away to the Arctic.

• Supergirl discovers her other father, Cyborg Superman, is waiting for her in the Fortress of Solitude. He wants to take her back to Argo City.

The Opinions!
Great! Supergirl now has two fathers to worry about! Not to mention three mothers! Four if the corpse of her mother that Cyborg Superman was fucking in the Rebirth issue ever comes back to life! It's confusing enough having one pair of uncool people trying to teach you how to make your way in the world. How is Kara going to deal with a government agent, an alien cyborg, a narcissistic journalist, and two DEO field agents all trying to tell her the best way to live her life?! Can't they see they're going to drive her straight into Ben Rubel's bed! Bastards!

1 comment:

  1. Cameron Chase is so moronic. Is the "human" way supposed to be better? Ugh. Stupid people.