"Superman, Meet Clark Kent" might make for an acceptable header for this comic book if it weren't for the "Part One". Does a story about two people meeting really need more than one part?
The Commentary!
• Superman just took five or six issues to defeat Doomsday. I hope it doesn't take as many to get Clark Kent in the sack.
• Clark Kent is way too fit to be a print journalist. Unless he's a gay print journalist! Does Lois have a brother named Louis?
• Apparently Clark is reinventing investigative journalism by breaking into buildings and beating the shit out of security guards.
• Superman just took five or six issues to defeat Doomsday. I hope it doesn't take as many to get Clark Kent in the sack.
• Clark Kent is way too fit to be a print journalist. Unless he's a gay print journalist! Does Lois have a brother named Louis?
• Apparently Clark is reinventing investigative journalism by breaking into buildings and beating the shit out of security guards.
If he wanted people to believe he wasn't Superman, perhaps he should stop acting like an asshole.
• It's possible that Clark's dictionary somehow mixed up the definitions for investigative journalist and vigilante.
• Clark attributes his ability to take down an armed security guard to wrestling calves back in Smallville. Holy shit. Smallville must have the meanest, most well armed cows in the country!
• I know Clark's method of investigating a story doesn't make much sense but wouldn't it be nice if actual journalists would do one percent of the shit Clark is doing to try to get to the truth?! I'm glad everybody is finally realizing that Fox News has really only been a distraction from the fact that all news outlets are garbage. It's just when you have one that is a garbage dump the size of Staten Island (was that redundant?), you tend to not notice the other piles of trash spread around the television dial.
• The narrative returns to the start of Clark's day so we can find out why he thought it was a good idea to break into a building with so many armed guards willing to shoot trespassers. He meets up with Perry so they can go see Luthor give a speech to his staff at the Daily Planet.
• Nobody believes Clark Kent is really Clark Kent. It makes sense that nobody would believe it because Clark isn't fucking explaining it to anybody. Clark Kent was Superman. Superman died. But there's still a Clark Kent claiming to be the real Clark Kent. Now unless the Kent's locked their real son in the storm cellar in favor of the alien they found crashed in a field, Clark Kent still existing makes no sense. Did Superman just lose his powers completely to the Sand Superman and now he's just plain old Clark Kent? I suppose since that escaped convict thought he was Superman, maybe he took all of Clark Kent's memories of being Superman so that this Clark Kent doesn't even realize he had been Superman! Maybe he's the same person but missing all of his Superman experiences so he can't explain to everybody how he's the actual Clark Kent. He would be just as confused as everybody else. Although if that's the case, wouldn't he be curious to find out why Lois thought he was Superman? Maybe he just thinks she was making a shitty play at a Pulitzer.
• Lex Luthor's meeting is all about Clark Kent! I hope we get to the bottom of this mystery right now at the beginning of Part One of "Superman, Meet Clark Kent"! What are the odds of that happening? Lousy, right?
• Clark attributes his ability to take down an armed security guard to wrestling calves back in Smallville. Holy shit. Smallville must have the meanest, most well armed cows in the country!
• I know Clark's method of investigating a story doesn't make much sense but wouldn't it be nice if actual journalists would do one percent of the shit Clark is doing to try to get to the truth?! I'm glad everybody is finally realizing that Fox News has really only been a distraction from the fact that all news outlets are garbage. It's just when you have one that is a garbage dump the size of Staten Island (was that redundant?), you tend to not notice the other piles of trash spread around the television dial.
• The narrative returns to the start of Clark's day so we can find out why he thought it was a good idea to break into a building with so many armed guards willing to shoot trespassers. He meets up with Perry so they can go see Luthor give a speech to his staff at the Daily Planet.
• Nobody believes Clark Kent is really Clark Kent. It makes sense that nobody would believe it because Clark isn't fucking explaining it to anybody. Clark Kent was Superman. Superman died. But there's still a Clark Kent claiming to be the real Clark Kent. Now unless the Kent's locked their real son in the storm cellar in favor of the alien they found crashed in a field, Clark Kent still existing makes no sense. Did Superman just lose his powers completely to the Sand Superman and now he's just plain old Clark Kent? I suppose since that escaped convict thought he was Superman, maybe he took all of Clark Kent's memories of being Superman so that this Clark Kent doesn't even realize he had been Superman! Maybe he's the same person but missing all of his Superman experiences so he can't explain to everybody how he's the actual Clark Kent. He would be just as confused as everybody else. Although if that's the case, wouldn't he be curious to find out why Lois thought he was Superman? Maybe he just thinks she was making a shitty play at a Pulitzer.
• Lex Luthor's meeting is all about Clark Kent! I hope we get to the bottom of this mystery right now at the beginning of Part One of "Superman, Meet Clark Kent"! What are the odds of that happening? Lousy, right?
Far away? What kind of imprecise reporting is that?! Where were you exactly? Show us some receipts!
• Since the company Clark is investigating is called Geneticron, it must mean he's a clone. Or maybe he's from Earth Bore.
• Clark Kent is given a lie detector test to determine if he's telling the truth about not being Superman. He passes. Which either proves that he's not Superman or completely proves that he's Superman and he can cheat a lie detector test! It's not like it would be hard! Many people cheat the lie detector test without even trying because it's a piece of shit test that doesn't actually prove anything except that a certain percentage of people act the same way when lying and the other percentage of people get fucked.
• Here are the reasons Clark gives for investigating Geneticron: "secretive communications that pointed to some serious business"; "strange purchases of rare metals"; "offshore accounts that pointed to money laundering"; and "rumors of a hidden vault with incredible secrets." Am I crazy or do none of those qualify for a reason to break in to a company and risk your life to find the story? Okay, the hidden vault is a good reason to do that but how is having a secret vault a criminal act by the company? So they have a hidden vault with secret shit that they don't want competitors to steal! What gives Clark the right to break in to find out what's in it?
• Clark does admit that maybe he should have come up with a better plan than breaking in to figure out what was in the hidden vault. I'm pretty sure what he'd find would be an empty Doomsday sized pod. Oh! If he found that, he'd actually have a justifiable reason for pursuing this story!
• Clark winds up on the roof of the building where the CEO ambushes him and throws him over the side. Clark is caught by Superman while everybody watches so they can all go, "Hey! It's Superman and Clark Kent! In the same place at the same time! Bah, we've all been fooled by this trick before!" Some of the people even say, "Duh! Weren't you idiots watching the Doomsday attack on television? Clark and Superman were seen together there too!"
• Next issue: Superman beats Clark near to death to get him to talk!
The Review
The Rebirth of Action Comics has been a huge disappointment. The first story is a story that didn't need to be repeated even though it's been about twenty five years since it was first told. Fuck Doomsday. Nobody cares about him anymore except DC and Dan Jurgens. And now a story about how Superman isn't Clark Kent at all and somehow never was or something. DC Comics goes through a really tough time whenever they try to fix their universe. In trying to return Superman to his former glory by simply replacing New 52 Superman with Preboot Superman and all of the history that went with it (which is mostly just the history back to sometime after Crisis when he was retooled? Who can fucking keep track!), they've destroyed the Clark Kent of this new DC Universe. But, for some reason, they still want a Clark Kent because Clark Smith just doesn't fucking cut the mustard, whatever that fucking means. But who the fuck cares about a fucking Clark Kent that doesn't have any-fucking-thing to do with Superman?! I figure Clark Smith Superman will let the sides of his hair go gray and this mysterious Clark Kent will eventually remember that he actually is Superman and the status quo will return to Pre-Crisis levels of confusion! I'm all for that but fuck Clark Kent, journalist and never-was-Superman asshole.
Ranking: -2!
• Clark Kent is given a lie detector test to determine if he's telling the truth about not being Superman. He passes. Which either proves that he's not Superman or completely proves that he's Superman and he can cheat a lie detector test! It's not like it would be hard! Many people cheat the lie detector test without even trying because it's a piece of shit test that doesn't actually prove anything except that a certain percentage of people act the same way when lying and the other percentage of people get fucked.
• Here are the reasons Clark gives for investigating Geneticron: "secretive communications that pointed to some serious business"; "strange purchases of rare metals"; "offshore accounts that pointed to money laundering"; and "rumors of a hidden vault with incredible secrets." Am I crazy or do none of those qualify for a reason to break in to a company and risk your life to find the story? Okay, the hidden vault is a good reason to do that but how is having a secret vault a criminal act by the company? So they have a hidden vault with secret shit that they don't want competitors to steal! What gives Clark the right to break in to find out what's in it?
• Clark does admit that maybe he should have come up with a better plan than breaking in to figure out what was in the hidden vault. I'm pretty sure what he'd find would be an empty Doomsday sized pod. Oh! If he found that, he'd actually have a justifiable reason for pursuing this story!
• Clark winds up on the roof of the building where the CEO ambushes him and throws him over the side. Clark is caught by Superman while everybody watches so they can all go, "Hey! It's Superman and Clark Kent! In the same place at the same time! Bah, we've all been fooled by this trick before!" Some of the people even say, "Duh! Weren't you idiots watching the Doomsday attack on television? Clark and Superman were seen together there too!"
• Next issue: Superman beats Clark near to death to get him to talk!
The Review
The Rebirth of Action Comics has been a huge disappointment. The first story is a story that didn't need to be repeated even though it's been about twenty five years since it was first told. Fuck Doomsday. Nobody cares about him anymore except DC and Dan Jurgens. And now a story about how Superman isn't Clark Kent at all and somehow never was or something. DC Comics goes through a really tough time whenever they try to fix their universe. In trying to return Superman to his former glory by simply replacing New 52 Superman with Preboot Superman and all of the history that went with it (which is mostly just the history back to sometime after Crisis when he was retooled? Who can fucking keep track!), they've destroyed the Clark Kent of this new DC Universe. But, for some reason, they still want a Clark Kent because Clark Smith just doesn't fucking cut the mustard, whatever that fucking means. But who the fuck cares about a fucking Clark Kent that doesn't have any-fucking-thing to do with Superman?! I figure Clark Smith Superman will let the sides of his hair go gray and this mysterious Clark Kent will eventually remember that he actually is Superman and the status quo will return to Pre-Crisis levels of confusion! I'm all for that but fuck Clark Kent, journalist and never-was-Superman asshole.
Ranking: -2!
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