Friday, September 16, 2016

Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #6

I can't fucking stand how the "J" in "ninja" is all wonky!

The Review!
If you want an insincere, biased, simply going through the paces of complimenting each artist on the book review that I can't believe was actually referencing the comic book I just read (which was this one! Issue #6 of the Batman/TMNT crossover!), go read this review! If you want the kind of hilarious review that I'm known for ("hilarious review that I'm known for" is copyright me, 2016), you'll have to go to bed wanting. Because I couldn't bring myself to be interested enough in this final issue to even read it months ago when it came out. I simply dug it out of the stack now just to get the fucking thing over with. Here's the positive side of my review: if this were a terrible book, you'd be reading one of those hilarious reviews that I'm known for right now! But it's not terrible. It's simply boring. It's one big Batman brawl with a twist: his rogue's gallery are currently furry versions of their usual selves. The story hinges on whether or not the Ninja Turtles will save their own asses or risk them to save Batman's ass. That's a pretty weak hinge because we all know which way that door is swinging, right? I would have preferred it if the Turtles shrugged and left Batman to Shredder. But that isn't what the Turtles are about, cowabunga dude! They'd never leave another turtle flipped over on its back! They'd be all, "Aloha, little dude! Let me help you up! Pizza!" Then they'd kick Shredder's ass and the story would end. Just like this story finally ends with Shredder getting his ass kicked! I guess I was surprised that the Turtle with the red mask came out of the closet and declared his undying love for Batman. Don't ask me which turtle that is because the only one I recognize is Donatello with the purple and the stick. That's because he's the one I always used to play on the arcade machine.

If you're the biggest fan of the Turtles, you'll probably enjoy this entire series because you have to or else you won't be the biggest fan of the turtles anymore. If you aren't the biggest fan but you're a pretty big fan, you'll still probably have to enjoy this series or else the gnawing doubt that maybe it was a mistake to love the turtles for so much of your life will eat away at you until you spiral into a depression knowing that you've wasted so much of your life on something so fucking stupid. If you hate the turtles, you might like this series too because what the fuck do I know? Maybe you're a sadist or a Batman fan or a furry looking to jerk off to new furry porn. I mean, Harley looks like an opossum or some shit in this. Does that sound sexy? Yeah? Well, happy jerking, perv!

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