More mazes? Maybe Tim Seeley should just write Sudoku puzzles. If he did, I'd probably play them even though I think Sudoku is the biggest waste of time in the world! And I know wasting time!
The Facts!
• Last issue ended with Raptor, my new favorite character, introducing Nightwing, my old least favorite character, to Dr. Leviticus, my old new favorite character. Dr. Leviticus is the accountant for the Parliament of Owls. A creepy accountant into grave robbing and being awesome.
• Dr. Leviticus is the person who devised the method of resurrection used on the Talons. She also keeps rats in her purse and is still sexually active even though she's sort of dead. Undead? Whatever she is, she's really making a case for being even more of a favorite than Raptor.
• Tim Seeley should create more characters more often. Plus he should write existing characters more often. Is it possible for one writer to write all of the DC books?
• The Parliament of Owls have their own Bohemian Grove called the Parliament Grove. Hmm. That's kind of a problem. If you're trying to be a world class villainous organization with an eye on running the entire world, it might be a bit of a stain on your reputation if you steal the ideas of those villainous organizations who came before you and whom you're trying to oust.
• I wonder how many days per year Coast to Coast AM devote to whispering about goings on at the Bohemian Grove? Is it still even relevant? The whole thing feels like something that everybody just dismissed by the end of the 70s. Maybe Reagan ruined their fun by becoming president. They were all, "Fucking Reagan! He always took everything too seriously?! Didn't he realize this whole Bohemian Grove thing wasn't really about power? It was about a bunch of rich, powerful, influential men getting together to suck each other's dicks without fear of being photographed!"
• Not only have the Owls stolen the whole Bohemian Grove shtick, they've stolen Dr. Dedalus's whole labyrinth motif! These guys are just a bunch of unoriginal twats! Unless...unless it was their behind the scenes machinations that influenced the Bohemian Grove and Spyral!
• Once Dick sees that some kind of sacrifice of innocents is about to take place at Parliament Grove, he tells Raptor they need to bring the organization down immediately. Dick does realize this is only Issue #4, right? What will he do with the rest of the series if he defeats the Parliament of Owls so soon? I guess there is always loads of sex to be had.
• Dick is so good looking that I can't believe he doesn't have sex constantly with lots and lots of strangers. There must be a story there. I think DC needs to publish a four issue mini-series about Dick's sex life and how he came to the decision that fucking loads and loads of women was just too complicated. Maybe he simply became viscerally disgusted at the thought of sex because every time he slept with a woman, Alfred would greet her on the way out and already know her name because Bruce had already fucked her. Not that he'd care about the woman's sexual history but it would have to disturb a person quite a bit to find that your father has already fucked his way through most of Gotham's single women.
• Nightwing and Raptor move in to save all of the Owls' prisoners in a really clumsy way which gets them noticed. It's possible the plan was to get caught because remember how Dick is better than Batman and remember how Batman would never be caught if he didn't want to?
• Some nobody Owls report the problem to the Orator who flips the fuck so far out that...well...um...see for yourselves, I guess:
• Last issue ended with Raptor, my new favorite character, introducing Nightwing, my old least favorite character, to Dr. Leviticus, my old new favorite character. Dr. Leviticus is the accountant for the Parliament of Owls. A creepy accountant into grave robbing and being awesome.
• Dr. Leviticus is the person who devised the method of resurrection used on the Talons. She also keeps rats in her purse and is still sexually active even though she's sort of dead. Undead? Whatever she is, she's really making a case for being even more of a favorite than Raptor.
• Tim Seeley should create more characters more often. Plus he should write existing characters more often. Is it possible for one writer to write all of the DC books?
• The Parliament of Owls have their own Bohemian Grove called the Parliament Grove. Hmm. That's kind of a problem. If you're trying to be a world class villainous organization with an eye on running the entire world, it might be a bit of a stain on your reputation if you steal the ideas of those villainous organizations who came before you and whom you're trying to oust.
• I wonder how many days per year Coast to Coast AM devote to whispering about goings on at the Bohemian Grove? Is it still even relevant? The whole thing feels like something that everybody just dismissed by the end of the 70s. Maybe Reagan ruined their fun by becoming president. They were all, "Fucking Reagan! He always took everything too seriously?! Didn't he realize this whole Bohemian Grove thing wasn't really about power? It was about a bunch of rich, powerful, influential men getting together to suck each other's dicks without fear of being photographed!"
• Not only have the Owls stolen the whole Bohemian Grove shtick, they've stolen Dr. Dedalus's whole labyrinth motif! These guys are just a bunch of unoriginal twats! Unless...unless it was their behind the scenes machinations that influenced the Bohemian Grove and Spyral!
• Once Dick sees that some kind of sacrifice of innocents is about to take place at Parliament Grove, he tells Raptor they need to bring the organization down immediately. Dick does realize this is only Issue #4, right? What will he do with the rest of the series if he defeats the Parliament of Owls so soon? I guess there is always loads of sex to be had.
• Dick is so good looking that I can't believe he doesn't have sex constantly with lots and lots of strangers. There must be a story there. I think DC needs to publish a four issue mini-series about Dick's sex life and how he came to the decision that fucking loads and loads of women was just too complicated. Maybe he simply became viscerally disgusted at the thought of sex because every time he slept with a woman, Alfred would greet her on the way out and already know her name because Bruce had already fucked her. Not that he'd care about the woman's sexual history but it would have to disturb a person quite a bit to find that your father has already fucked his way through most of Gotham's single women.
• Nightwing and Raptor move in to save all of the Owls' prisoners in a really clumsy way which gets them noticed. It's possible the plan was to get caught because remember how Dick is better than Batman and remember how Batman would never be caught if he didn't want to?
• Some nobody Owls report the problem to the Orator who flips the fuck so far out that...well...um...see for yourselves, I guess:
I would have liked the Parliament of Owls' god to look like a parrot. Simply because I'm stuck in believing there's an underlying cypher going on in this story. Raptor. Orator. Tarot. Parrot. It fits, right?!
• Raptor and Nightwing lead the prisoners through the Parliament of Owls' labyrinth. Really? That's the only way out? Through the confusing maze that almost definitely has a monster lurking in it? Talk about a metaphor for life!
• No, you don't have to really talk about a metaphor for life. Who are you suddenly talking to anyway? You're just reading this sitting alone and miserable! And I don't mean alone in the literal sense. You might be on your phone in a public space surrounded by people which just makes your intense feelings of solitude all the more worse. Maybe you should join a club or something? Then you can be alone and miserable with other people.
• I forgot Dick and Rappy have a map to the maze which they took from that Crazy Norwegian Map Guy. Dick gives it to one of the prisoners and deputizes him. His sidekick name is now Hummingbird. Hopefully Dick didn't just send them into the jaws of the monster. That would be a real black eye to his superheroing career.
• As the prisoners rush off, the Orator minotaurs his way out of a side passage and begins screeching on and on about how Dick screwed him over. Also he begins slicing Raptor open with his claws. Good thing Raptor has a hand that can heal anything.
• The Great Owl God Formerly Known As The Orator decides Plan A isn't that much different than Plan B. Plan A was to have Dick Grayson be a talon for the Parliament of Owls. Plan B is the same except Dick is dead in Plan B.
• But Raptor has a plan to save Nightwing!
• No, you don't have to really talk about a metaphor for life. Who are you suddenly talking to anyway? You're just reading this sitting alone and miserable! And I don't mean alone in the literal sense. You might be on your phone in a public space surrounded by people which just makes your intense feelings of solitude all the more worse. Maybe you should join a club or something? Then you can be alone and miserable with other people.
• I forgot Dick and Rappy have a map to the maze which they took from that Crazy Norwegian Map Guy. Dick gives it to one of the prisoners and deputizes him. His sidekick name is now Hummingbird. Hopefully Dick didn't just send them into the jaws of the monster. That would be a real black eye to his superheroing career.
• As the prisoners rush off, the Orator minotaurs his way out of a side passage and begins screeching on and on about how Dick screwed him over. Also he begins slicing Raptor open with his claws. Good thing Raptor has a hand that can heal anything.
• The Great Owl God Formerly Known As The Orator decides Plan A isn't that much different than Plan B. Plan A was to have Dick Grayson be a talon for the Parliament of Owls. Plan B is the same except Dick is dead in Plan B.
• But Raptor has a plan to save Nightwing!
Great! Now they're going to have to battle a giant half-owl, half-shark monster!
• "The Parliament of Owlsharks" has a nice ring to it!
• Raptor collapses as he and Dick reach the center of the labyrinth where the Book of Wisdom--which is actually a Box of Coins--is located. Luckily Raptor keeps some of his blood in Suyolak just for emergencies like this! He mentioned it in an earlier issue which meant it was going to be important later. That's how stories work! Authors don't have enough time to put everything that happens in a person's life into the story unless that piece of everything will matter later to the story. It's why people rarely go to the bathroom in fiction! Unless going to the bathroom is a pivotal metaphor about missing out on moments in life by not paying attention which will eventually lead to a person's death like in Pulp Fiction!
• As Dick tends to Raptor's wounds, he points out how he didn't have to ask Lord Google about Suyolak because he, of course, already knew the legend. Not because Dick is the greatest genius who ever lived and was forced to study everything in the world by his obsessive father but because Dick grew up in the circus and circus folk are often gypsy folk and Suyolak is a gypsy legend. I, of course, already knew all of this because I am friends with Lord Google and not ashamed of asking him things when I don't know them and then admitting to other people that I looked it up instead of pretending like I already knew it like most people do on the Internet.
• Raptor reveals that he was indeed in the circus. He was called Mr. Numb which explains why he carries supplies of his own blood around just in case he begins to bleed out from a wound he can't feel. It also explains why Dick couldn't beat him in a fist fight.
• Raptor and Nightwing bond over circus sights and smells. I hope that doesn't mean Raptor is about to sacrifice himself to save Dick. I hope it means Raptor and Dick are going to become friends and partners. I also sort of hope Raptor is gay and that he and Midnighter fall in love. Sorry, Apollo!
• The Owl-Shark-Bull-Monster-God finally catches its breath and catches up to Raptor and Nightwing. See? This is the part I'm worried about! Raptor had better not show that he's been an honorable person all along by throwing away his life to stop the Owl-Shark-Bull-Monster-God! I suspect that's a turn that is too expected for Tim Seeley. He's less about common plot elements and more about building characters. It's no fun to build a character just to kill them! Why would he create a great character like Raptor just to kill him off? That's what hack writers do to squeeze a little bit of emotion out of the reader.
• Raptor doesn't sacrifice himself when they come to the end of the labyrinth. But he does abandon Dick because Dick is leaving the shadows and re-entering the light. Luckily Raptor has a few things to say which will ensure that he'll be back.
• Raptor collapses as he and Dick reach the center of the labyrinth where the Book of Wisdom--which is actually a Box of Coins--is located. Luckily Raptor keeps some of his blood in Suyolak just for emergencies like this! He mentioned it in an earlier issue which meant it was going to be important later. That's how stories work! Authors don't have enough time to put everything that happens in a person's life into the story unless that piece of everything will matter later to the story. It's why people rarely go to the bathroom in fiction! Unless going to the bathroom is a pivotal metaphor about missing out on moments in life by not paying attention which will eventually lead to a person's death like in Pulp Fiction!
• As Dick tends to Raptor's wounds, he points out how he didn't have to ask Lord Google about Suyolak because he, of course, already knew the legend. Not because Dick is the greatest genius who ever lived and was forced to study everything in the world by his obsessive father but because Dick grew up in the circus and circus folk are often gypsy folk and Suyolak is a gypsy legend. I, of course, already knew all of this because I am friends with Lord Google and not ashamed of asking him things when I don't know them and then admitting to other people that I looked it up instead of pretending like I already knew it like most people do on the Internet.
• Raptor reveals that he was indeed in the circus. He was called Mr. Numb which explains why he carries supplies of his own blood around just in case he begins to bleed out from a wound he can't feel. It also explains why Dick couldn't beat him in a fist fight.
• Raptor and Nightwing bond over circus sights and smells. I hope that doesn't mean Raptor is about to sacrifice himself to save Dick. I hope it means Raptor and Dick are going to become friends and partners. I also sort of hope Raptor is gay and that he and Midnighter fall in love. Sorry, Apollo!
• The Owl-Shark-Bull-Monster-God finally catches its breath and catches up to Raptor and Nightwing. See? This is the part I'm worried about! Raptor had better not show that he's been an honorable person all along by throwing away his life to stop the Owl-Shark-Bull-Monster-God! I suspect that's a turn that is too expected for Tim Seeley. He's less about common plot elements and more about building characters. It's no fun to build a character just to kill them! Why would he create a great character like Raptor just to kill him off? That's what hack writers do to squeeze a little bit of emotion out of the reader.
• Raptor doesn't sacrifice himself when they come to the end of the labyrinth. But he does abandon Dick because Dick is leaving the shadows and re-entering the light. Luckily Raptor has a few things to say which will ensure that he'll be back.
Ooh! Raptor mentioned he was older than Dick when they both had different pop cultural comments about the labyrinth. I hope he's old enough to have fucked Nightwing's mom!
• Nightwing doesn't fall to his death because he's got another partner that I'm happy to see he's still working with: Tony the Tiger! Hooray for Dick's surrogate Bat-family! I hope someday Raptor can join it full time. And I hope Dr. Leviticus is going to become Dick's Alfred!
• After Dick spends enough time near the exit of the Labyrinth to be seen by the returned-to-his-former-state Orator so that the Orator can see that the Parliament of Owls is shit out of luck, he returns to Gotham for some cutesy moments with Damian and The Bat.
• Okay, maybe The Bat moments aren't that cutesy. But Dick always tries his best to make them so!
• After Dick spends enough time near the exit of the Labyrinth to be seen by the returned-to-his-former-state Orator so that the Orator can see that the Parliament of Owls is shit out of luck, he returns to Gotham for some cutesy moments with Damian and The Bat.
• Okay, maybe The Bat moments aren't that cutesy. But Dick always tries his best to make them so!
I don't know. Since Batman is constantly lying to his Bat-Family, I think I might have to believe Damian's version of events.
• Dr. Leviticus does not become Nightwing's new Alfred. But she may become some sort of the same something to Midnighter since she's now living in The God Garden with the Gardener. Perfect! That means Tim Seeley won't forget about her! I hope she gets her own mini-series! Four issues though! I'm sick of these overly long six issue mini-series! Stop letting business methods trump story! Four issues in a mini-series was always about right. I know comics now have less pages per issue but six issues is still usually just dragging the shit out for the sake of making a series the right size to be a trade paperback.
• Dick thanks Batman for being a micromanaging asshole so that Dick could learn not to be that. Then he walks out mumbling about how he's totes better than Batman.
• It turns out Raptor is working for Kobra which is probably super smart if I was into giving compliments. Because of Raptor's subterfuge, Kobra now has access to all of the information on the Parliament of Owls that law enforcement have. Which means Nightwing's trust of Raptor was misplaced and the Jeezly Crow Batman was right! Again! Maybe Dick should become a micromanaging asshole who doesn't trust anybody!
The Opinions!
If I start giving the Rebirth comic books ratings again, does somebody else want to keep track of the Rankings? Because I certainly don't. You know, just make a Tumblr page for Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea's ratings which I'll link to! You can probably put advertising on it and shit! Even if nobody does, maybe I'll still rate the comic books with plus and minus ratings and the ranking chart can be imaginary! With that said, this issue gets a +2 because Raptor and Dr. Leviticus are the best and Damian is adorable and Batman is a stodgy fuck who is always right no matter how much fans want the Bat-Kids to be right and not Batman. I guess everybody will just have to write more Fanfic which pretend Batman has some flaws!
• Dick thanks Batman for being a micromanaging asshole so that Dick could learn not to be that. Then he walks out mumbling about how he's totes better than Batman.
• It turns out Raptor is working for Kobra which is probably super smart if I was into giving compliments. Because of Raptor's subterfuge, Kobra now has access to all of the information on the Parliament of Owls that law enforcement have. Which means Nightwing's trust of Raptor was misplaced and the Jeezly Crow Batman was right! Again! Maybe Dick should become a micromanaging asshole who doesn't trust anybody!
The Opinions!
If I start giving the Rebirth comic books ratings again, does somebody else want to keep track of the Rankings? Because I certainly don't. You know, just make a Tumblr page for Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea's ratings which I'll link to! You can probably put advertising on it and shit! Even if nobody does, maybe I'll still rate the comic books with plus and minus ratings and the ranking chart can be imaginary! With that said, this issue gets a +2 because Raptor and Dr. Leviticus are the best and Damian is adorable and Batman is a stodgy fuck who is always right no matter how much fans want the Bat-Kids to be right and not Batman. I guess everybody will just have to write more Fanfic which pretend Batman has some flaws!
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