Thursday, September 15, 2016

The Flintstones #3

Is Wilma taking some kind of feminist stand? Is she throwing away the pubic trimming bird?

The Commentary!
• I just found out that Garth Ennis is going to do a Dastardly and Muttley comic book and I can't be happier. When Dick Dastardly isn't trying to cheat everybody out of everything for his own nefarious purposes, I imagine he drinks alone with Muttley and becomes the most maudlin sad sack in the history of people who drink. Garth Ennis is just the person to humanize Dick Dastardly while still keeping him a right, unlikable bastard! But likable in his unlikableness, you know?! At least to me! I love that guy!

• The Bedrock Middle School's mascots are the "fighting tree people." Oh boy. I can't wait until Pebbles starts raising a stink about that! And about how they all celebrate and have a big feast on Forest Burning Day! And how Christopher Colombrock didn't actually discover Bedrock at all because how can you discover some place that was full of trees with people living in the trees?!

• Bedrock Middle School has taken a trip to the Planetarium to learn about rocks in the sky.

Look, Mark Russell. If you're going to keep taking cheap shots at illogical religious thinking, I'm going to keep reading your comic book.

• I still love Steve Pugh's character designs. Just looking at Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm, I feel like I understand, essentially, who they are. Fucking great work.

• Another aspect of this book I like but probably haven't mentioned is how, like in the cartoon, the animals can speak but the humans don't realize it. I mean, all the animals except Dino and Hoppy, probably.

• Today at the planetarium, a chimp named Sergeant Grumbles is going to be launched into space! Rocket science one hundred thousand years ago was less rocket science and more flinging spitballs. Also it was fictional. If any rockets were being launched one hundred thousand years ago, they weren't being launched from Earth.

• Some aliens detect the death of a chimp being catapulted across the land so they decide to investigate. None of them look like The Great Gazoo, so The Great Gazoo must a shared hallucination between Barney and Fred brought on by the mold growing in their Water Buffalo hats. The aliens land, realize Earth one hundred thousand years ago sucked, and continue on their way. Maybe Gazoo was a stowaway who gets trapped on Earth and now he's going to live in Fred's attic.

• The possibility of being colonized by the aliens has Fred, Barney, and their old vet buddy reminiscing about the days when they were heroes. It was a span of two weeks after they burned out the Tree People and took their land. One of their army buddies, Joe, is now thinking about killing himself. It's pretty funny because he's using one of those huge ram's horn phone receivers and he's just been put on hold! Ha ha! He might kill himself while on hold!

• The aliens catalog Earth on Galactapedia where it catches the interest of some other aliens who decide to visit. These aliens have one of those sexy lady mud flap chrome doohickeys on their spacecraft so they must be classy dudes.

I've met a few men and women in my life who would consider this classy.

• Classy is one of those adjectives that mean absolutely nothing. I mean, it means something in that it has a meaning: stylish and sophisticated! But anybody who calls themselves classy usually isn't. And anybody who calls anybody else not classy, definitely isn't classy. The only fucking people who argue about whether or not someone is classy are people who aren't classy! If you're actually classy, you don't think of yourself as such and would never get in an argument with somebody about your classy status! I hope I never think or hear the word "classy" ever again after writing this bullet point!

• From the way Fred has used "yabba-dabba-do" so far, I'm guessing it means "Fuck me."

• The spring break aliens begin pranking the citizens of Bedrock by disintegrating them. Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm decide to go hide out at the planetarium until the aliens get bored and head home. Fred decides he needs to get the war buddies together to battle back the alien menace. And Betty still has not appeared in her bikini. I'd take a shot of her in her underwear as well.

• Bamm-Bamm wants to fight back but Pebbles has a better idea: message their parents using the pterodactellite dish. I guess you kick it in the nards a bunch and it screeches out a message into the sky. The message is magnified by the cone around its neck. The message is modified by how often and how hard you kick the testicles.

• Suicidal Joe is killed in the uprising so that ties up that sticky plot end nicely. Now nobody has to think about the horrible life of vets of foreign wars full of desperate isolation, loneliness, and depression! Now he can just be remembered as a hero!

I can see why they went with the Grumbles statue. A statue of Joe would be depressing. But who can't smile at the sight of a chimp?!

The Review!
I'm learning so many lessons from this comic book! So far I've learned that nobody appreciates art! And I've also learned that no company appreciates their employees! Also nobody appreciates religion. And nobody appreciates the things they should appreciate but instead appreciate crap. And nobody appreciates war heroes for their service in killing innocents (since that's, apparently, why freedom isn't free! The cost is other people's lives). Hmm, are those really lessons? Or are those just the cynical worldview of a bitter, resentful comic book writer? I don't know but they make sense to me!

Ranking: +2!

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