Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Red Hood and the Outlaws #2

Sure they do! It's "θείος"! They probably just don't use it often. And they almost certainly don't use the idiom you're referring to.

The Commentary!
• This issue begins with Roy Harper wearing a dress. I think. I'm pretty sure it's Roy Harper. Red hair. Bow. Way too many fucking Narration Boxes hovering about his head.

Yeah, yeah. Definitely Roy Harper.

• Oh! I'm starting to understand why Scott Lobdell was picked to do Red Hood and the Outlaws for Rebirth! He probably still had a bunch of scripts left over from the initial series which he's just recycling for this series. I mean, how different really will Artemis be from Roy Harper?! And with Starfire's constant confusion about Earth culture, she's almost exactly like Bizarro!

• Artemis learns that warriors don't choose their weapons because their weapons choose them. Is that how it works? Is that why so many soldiers rush off to battle weaponless because no weapon ever spoke to them because they weren't insane? Maybe that's a Sun Tzu piece of wisdom! It's just stupid enough to sound like ancient wisdom. Judging by her appearance last issue, the weapon that chooses her is an insanely large and unwieldy battle axe.

• Artemis is an Amazon who worships Egyptian gods and she never thought it was weird. I wonder if Scott Lobdell accidentally researched the wrong Pantheon and just decided to go with it. Why should he let all the new information he learned go to waste? Better yet, I wonder if he didn't even notice until the editor said something? He probably wrote the dialogue between Artemis and Nephthys about the bow of Ra thinking he was nailing the whole Amazon thing. Then his editor was all, "Dude. You're using Egyptian gods. Amazons are Greek!" So then Lobdell was all, "Oh! I'll fix that with a Narration Box! 'The origin of my name is Greek. But the gods I worshipped were Egyptian.'" Is that better?!" And the editor was all, "Really? You like the double 'P' version of worshiped? Whatever. Just hand in the script."

• I wonder if Lobdell would ever admit that what I just supposed was true? It probably totally is, right?! Boy, what a fuck-up!

• Artemis is trying to get the same weapon that Jason Todd is trying to steal for Black Mask. It's probably the Bow of Ra. Unless it's the Mace of Incredible Size. Or the Lance Beyond All Normal Proportions. Or the Galactic Cannon of Ultimate Girth.

• Black Mask stands off to the side to applaud Jason Todd when he gets the upper hand. But that only lasts long enough for Black Mask to assure Jason Todd that the Bow of Ra isn't what he wants at all. He wants some kind of genetics technology (in other words, Bizarro!). Good thing everybody is so free with their information! Artemis is telling Todd all about the Bow of Ra. Black Mask is telling Todd all about the technology (you know, Bizarro!). How else could Jay make a decision if he didn't have all of this information? Good thing he was trained by Batman that it isn't enough to know your enemy, you have to really, really know your enemy! That's some good advice, right there!

• Artemis realizes Jason isn't trying to hurt her because she knew everything there was to know about battle straight out of her mother's vagina. She might be exaggerating because it took her until sixteen to realize that your weapon chooses you! Anyway, she decides she should work with Red Hood to blow his cover. He joins up with her and they turn on The Black Mask. So his undercover work is already over? I guess it's just changed because that's how Lobdell's stories work. His stories begin with a premise and then, in the next issue, he carefully wads up that premise and throws it at the wastebasket (and misses, of course) because he thought up a different premise he'd rather pursue. Obviously he had to think up a way to get Todd and Artemis working together. So he may have meant to use the Black Mask premise for just the initial issue. I'll give Lobdell the benefit of the doubt this time.

How is Red Hood impressing Black Mask now? "I always wanted an heir with morals who would turn on me the first chance he got! You're getting a raise, boy!"

• To follow Black Mask, Artemis throws Jason at the helicopter and then leaps after. As Jason crawls into the train car being stolen by Black Mask's helicopter, they have a barely comprehensible conversation.

She needs to figure out a better way to treat her metaphors?

• Artemis's metaphors are as good as they're going to get since they're being written by Scott Lobdell. They're awful and you can tell he's going to use them constantly as part of Artemis's personality. "You comparing yourself to me is like a weaker thing comparing itself to a stronger thing!"

• After Todd and Artemis stop bickering in just that way that gets fangenders underwear frothing but is actually terrible dialogue, Red Hood tells Artemis to call Mjolnir because the genetic technology in the train car with them is Bizarro. I hope he also gets out his book of antonyms or things are going to get confusing really quick!

Ranking: 0.

1 comment:

  1. Amazingly Lobdick didn't fuck up the bit about Artemis following Egyptian gods. Artemis is one of the Bana Mighdall amazons. They are descended from the Amazons who followed Antiope to gain revenge agains Herakles and so never went to Themiscyra with Hippolyta. After much heartache and betrayal the survivors of Antiope's band ended up building a city in Egypt and following Egyptian goddesses. Of course since they never went with Hippolyta these Amazons were not immortal. So they procreated the old fashioned way, by kidnapping, raping and eventually murdering men from surrounding communities. The Bana Amazons were a femnazi's wet dream and all about hating men.

    Of course Artemis is white because she is actually good at heart. All the really evil Amazons had dark skin. Real subtle there DC, moving right into the 60s. All this from the 80s and 90s so Lobdick had to really look it up.