Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Raven #1

This should be insightful! A seventy year old man writing the adventures of a teenage girl!

The Commentary!
I had to check with Lord Google to find out how old Marv Wolfman was and while doing so, I decided to drop by his IMDB page and see what he's been involved in on the writing side of television and movies. At first, I was flabbergasted! He had credits in so many things! Even video games! Had he written a bunch of video game plots?! Then I noticed most of them were saying "Uncredited". And that's when I realized the majority of the "Writer" credits Marv Wolfman had on the top half of his IMDB page were actually "Creator" credits. What the fuck, IMDB? Who the fuck does that help? Is IMDB run like Wikipedia now and there's some fangender fuming at the injustice heaped on writers and artists by mainstream comic book corporations who is going through and adding credits to every movie, television show, and video game in which one of the creator's characters appeared? It's fucking nutso whacko! And just so nobody thinks they're coming up with some hot take on the previous sentence, I did mean that in the full-on offensive to everybody with a mental illness way!

Hmm, maybe I shouldn't have written that! I bet the only people still interested in Raven are the ones who love to use their mental illnesses as invulnerable shields against any type of criticism. Well, I'm one of those people too! You can't criticize my ableist tendencies because my brain is just wired to be ableist and I can't do anything at all about it! And you're ableist if you insist that I can! Jerko!

Okay, now that we got all the sensitive twats out of here, I can be funny for the people who are hate-filled douchebags! Oh, my people! How I've missed you all!

No, but seriously. If you're a hate-filled douchebag, get the fuck out. I want a specific audience of people who are sensitive but also understand that there's a world where you can call your friend retarded and not be completely ostracized from society for it. Unless, you know, your friend is mentally disabled. Then, I mean, Dude? What the fuck? That's not cool.

Oh please tell me you came from Azarath and not San Francisco! Anywhere but San Francisco!

I actually love San Francisco. Or loved San Francisco. It sounds like the shittiest Mecca in the world now since the pilgrims flocking there are start-up assholes begging for an angel to crap in their bank account.

Raven's mother ran away from home because her parents believed in God. That doesn't seem at all like the first world problem of an entitled teenager. At best, her mother just left out all of the gory details like how her parents sexually abused her because God told them to, or how she was locked in her room every day so she wouldn't be tempted by the devil, or how she watched her younger brother get circumcised in front of a crowd of enthusiastic sadists she thought were family and friends. It's also possible she once heard her mother say "tranny" and realized she couldn't live with that kind of a monster anymore.

Luckily for Raven's mother, she found a better life being raped by a rapey demon named Trigon who, according to Marv Wolfman, loved to rape.

Do you see now why I had to scare away all of the overly sensitive readers?! I was doing them a favor! This is a Marv Wolfman comic book and even if it doesn't mention rape, the guy is rape-tainted! There's no way I can't point out how much he loves to write about rape!

Raven meets her aunt and her aunt's family. They're upbeat and jolly and wear bright clothing and aprons and Superman shirts. Her uncle wears a sweater over a collared shirt with khaki pants, so you know he's totally fucked up in some super secret way. They have a crucifix on the wall over a painting of the sermon on the mount and their bookshelf is full of Precious Moments figurines. Something truly horrible must be going on inside this house!

Raven begins her new life by going to high school the next day. I hope she doesn't get picked on for being weird! Does Marv Wolfman even know what high school is like now? I have a feeling Raven will have to take ROTC and stand up for the one black kid getting picked on by some white guys with buzz cuts.

The standard amount of people comment on her looks as if there wouldn't be dozens of other girls and guys who look just like her. One kid is all, "Really? Goth? So last millennium." That kid? Looks like Janis Ian. I don't think that look has ever been really popular. I mean, unless you could sing like Janis Ian. Then it was, um, tolerated? Anyway, she feels uncomfortable and out of place like nobody else ever felt in high school ever. Poor thing!

After her first class, Raven meets some kids who want to get to know her. Probably because she's cute and fashionable, no matter what any of the other sorry high school students say. I mean, if she were ugly and wearing corduroy pants three sizes too big (or small?) for her, who would speak to her?! And, of course, to get to know her, they ask all the pertinent questions!

Why the fuck are you asking about her father, Dude?! So fucking weird! Although, this is the DC Universe where everybody has Daddy Issues. Perhaps it's the main question everybody is always dying to ask everybody else. "How did your dad fuck up your life?" It's just Dude is too ignorant to know better than to get so personal so quickly.

Raven discovers that one kid at the school has psychic powers so that's probably going to be a problem. But she's making friends somehow, so I guess she'll be okay. I don't know how she's making friends because I don't know how to make friends. It would be nice if the comic book spelled it out a bit. The only way I knew how to make friends in elementary school was to just put myself in close proximity to the same people as often as I could until they simply assumed I was one of their friends. That worked in Junior High too! And then in High School, I just made friends with all of my cousin's friends. Those were the last friends I ever made because, for some lucky reason, they were all pretty good people. Don't tell Doom Bunny I said that. I suppose I've made a few friends of the Non-Certified Spouse's friends. They're almost all exclusively gay because I'm fairly certain the Non-Certified Spouse emits Gaydiation. For some reason, I'm the only male she knows impervious to it. I think. I mean, sometimes I dream about sucking off fifty guys in a row. But those are just dreams! Dreams are random and weird and I have no control over them! I mean, they're my daydreams, but that's practically the same thing, right?

There's also a girl in Raven's one class who looks like Raven and was happy to have another black clothes wearing Goth in the class. But Raven just kind of ignored her. What a jerk.

Anyway, later, one of Raven's new friend's friends gets lost in the White Carnival where some other students have also been trapped. And it might have something to do with her soul self gone rogue. Or it's her aunt's God being a total jackass. That's not a probability but it's a possibility, right? Plus the speculative sentence let me write that God was a jackass. That's fun!

The Ranking!
+1! It's not bad for a Marv Wolfman production! Does anybody remember those pictures in books that you couldn't see anything in but if you held up a red plastic filter, it would hide all of the red lines so that you could see the image beneath in blue? I bet if you had one of those lenses but instead of hiding all of the red lines, it hid all of the seventy-year old manness, this story would totally be just fine! As it is, it's kind of fun because it's written by a seventy-year old man. He named a character Dude! I would have named him WTF, personally.

Christ, I bet only seventy-year old men will remember those red lenses made of plastic and those old timey magic paintings!

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