Monday, September 5, 2016

Justice League of America #9

It's been so long since the last issue, the cover artist forgot that Superman died.

My Thoughts!
• I know some of you are confused by this issue! The Rebirth Justice League has not been rebranded JLA and hasn't skipped ahead a few issues! This is the JLA story Bryan Hitch was writing sometime in the eighties that he never got around to finishing. But some accountant at DC Comics noticed they'd paid Bryan Hitch for a comprehensible JLA story and he never delivered. It was apparent that they were never going to get what they had paid for (a comprehensible JLA story) so they threatened that if he didn't just finish the stupid thing however he could and deliver something, they were going to have to grumble incessantly, possibly in the direction of their lawyers. Also I think I might have been a bit hyperbolic about this story being from the eighties. But then, I don't think I should be held responsible for the way I perceive time. I didn't write up the blueprints for my brain.

• If you had managed to continue reading this book up until Issue #8, you still probably don't remember what was happening so here's a little recap: everybody on Earth was tricked or manipulated into believing in God. Except for Batman. He was all logical and shit and was all, "TT! That's the sound I make when I disapprove of something! What am I, British? Do any other superheroes constantly tut? I mean, Damian does but then he's just emulating me because why wouldn't he? I probably learned it from Alfred. That motherfucker will tut a woman in labor for her lack of decorum in showing she's in pain." I think that basically covers it!

• This is Issue #9 but Part Eight of the story because earlier in the series, Bryan Hitch missed a deadline and a Martian Manhunter story had to be wedged into this book. DC still cared about getting this series out on a timely fashion back then, even if it meant interrupting the story with what amounted to an advertisement for the Martian Manhunter comic book. I guess they stopped caring about deadlines soon after that which is why anybody who picked this up probably has no clue what's going on.

• The Flash is currently in the past (is that a logical statement?) with the Infinity Corporation who are using some mystic stones they can't comprehend to power their entire corporation. I think the whole point of their corporation is to keep Superman from dying. Good thing they're in the past or else they'd know they've failed!


• I guess The Flash and the 1960s Infinity Corporation have just arrived at the present because the stones are ecstatic that they've finally located their friends, some other stones. I think Rao is using them as his testicles. I don't mean that literally! I mean he's using them as his juice! His power! His man spirit! You know, the thing that gives him the arrogance to believe might makes right and that nobody matters but himself.

• Meanwhile on Ancient Krypton, two versions of Rao are having a conversation that probably won't end in dick sucking. That's why I can't believe time travel in comic books. Whenever two versions of the same person meet, they never engage in any kind of sexual shenanigans. Okay, Harley Quinn at least kissed herself in Harley's Little Black Book #4. But she was just testing a scientific hypothesis! And not the one I want to test which has to do with enjoying sucking my own dick. Would I sixty-nine myself? Would I be the receiver? The giver? None of it is gay, right? If I were limber enough to suck my own dick right now, I totally would!

• Green Lantern is in prison on Ancient Krypton because his ring stopped working. Most powerful weapon in the universe, my ass! How is that a saying? It doesn't even make sense! Did I get it wrong? Maybe it should be "Most powerful weapon in the universe which you can put in my ass!"

• Back on Earth, Rao is all, "I'll show you my stones if you show me yours!" And the Infinity Corporation scientist is all, "Totally!" And The Flash is all, "And I'm the one they call The Flash!" Then somebody does a rim shot.

If humans were immortal, how long before they use up the storage capacity of their brains? I imagine, being an organic system, the brain would just write over old memories. But how fucked up would life become once you reached the storage limit and every new memory erased a random past memory? What if you accidentally overwrote an important routine in the operating system?! Might your heart forget to beat?!

• Oh! I'm finally getting the proper end of the thread! The Flash and the Infinity Corporation appeared on Rao's Cathedral before it got to Earth. So all this shit with The Flash is prelude to the Earth story and all the shit with Green Lantern is...well, I don't know. Prelude? Epilogue? Cosmic nonsense? I guess since The Flash and Green Lantern were ignored last issue, this is their issue. We'll catch up on everything and have a better understanding of what happened after Superman died in Issue #10. If that is ever, you know, published.

• Rao tries to take the stones from the Infinity Corporation and to convert The Flash and his scientist friends. But The Flash, being the greatest superhero in the DC Universe (even though he's constantly out-shined by Batman and Superman and Wonder Woman and Green Lantern and Ambush Bug), kicks Rao's ass. He then gets the scientists to return to Earth which catches him up to the story last issue where he appeared to help the Justice League in their battle against Rao by feeding the Parasite the Speed Force.

• It looks like Rao's trip to Ancient Krypton takes place after Superman died. He's gone to collect an army to bring back to Earth since Earth defied him. Or he's going to bring Earth to Ancient Krypton. I hope it's that one so that the Justice League can defeat Rao and then Earth will be stuck in the past in a solar system with a red sun.

• Finally, the narrative returns to where last issue ended. Fifteen minutes after last issue ended if I'm being precise. In the intervening minutes, Wonder Woman has been doing CPR on Superman. I know Diana is strong but can she even compress his chest or force air into his lungs?

• Diana fails with CPR so that means Superman is dead. That's it. He's just dead. If CPR doesn't work then there's no hope left. None at all. Nada! Zip! Zilch! He is el muerto! Deceased! Kaput!

Oh wait! I forgot about the mythic Hollywood trope that you can shock a flatline back to life!

• This might be one of the few times shocking a heart back to life is okay since Diana is using the Bolt of Zeus which almost certainly has the power to bring the dead back to life.

• And then Krypton appears in the sky. I don't think the sudden appearance of that kind of mass would cause any problems at all, right? The real problem is that Rao suddenly has an entire planet of supermen ready to attack the Earth.

The Review!
Aside from the long wait, the story isn't as bad as I keep wanting it to be. I mean, it's not great. But there are ideas that I like here. And the plot is coherent and manageable, if you look squint-eyed at the time travel and prophecy stuff. It feels a little bit like two stories with the time travel stuff stitching them together. Basically the Justice League defeated Rao at the end of Issue #8 and that might have been that if Rao didn't have the power of the stones he stole from the Infinity Corporation (at least I'm guessing he took them because Rao's were just about gaining life and the other stones had the forever time travel thing going on. It's not clear in the story because it seems like The Flash and the Infinity Corporation head to the present with the stones. Maybe Rao took them in Issue #8 and I've forgotten. Or maybe he got them in an earlier issue. Time travel is confusing). With that power, Rao is able to instantly return with an army ready for a rematch. So it's a bit like Part Two of the story which is less complicated than Part One because Part Two is where all the facades are dropped and the fists are raised.

No comments:

Post a Comment