Thursday, September 15, 2016

Wacky Raceland #3

I really want to feel joyous thanks to the Muttley sticker but my mind is screaming because of the fucked up dice.

The Facts!
• Today's race takes place in Big Sur! I put the exclamation point on there because anybody who was ever in The Sierra Club in High School in California probably first got fingered there. Apparently the place is now called Poseidon's Toilet. I assume that's because fingering isn't the only "first" that happens there anymore.

• If there isn't an urban dictionary entry for "Poseidon's Toilet," just imagine it's when somebody pees in your asshole as you're receiving oral sex.

• Apparently Peter Perfect is a God-fearing man. What a puss.

Dick didn't mock God at all! He was mocking victims of sexual abuse! Get it right, Peter!

• Luke of the Arkansas Chuggabug declares God is dead while Pat Pending points out that the search for a supreme being has been mankind's biggest folly. Now, I don't know about all that! I'm sure believing in something greater helped people until they didn't need the crutch of religion anymore. Sure, some people still need it. And that would be fine if they kept it as their own business. But when somebody sees you walking around crutch-free and having a good old time, I really wish they would stop insisting that life would be easier if I got some crutches too.

• Peter answers Pat by pointing out that science doesn't answer everything. No, it doesn't. YET! But you can't just decide that anything you can make up in your imagination is as good an answer as anything else! Science continues to paint the floor of the universe with explanations while God is desperately trapped in an ever-decreasing corner. He's just not needed as an explanation. For anything!

• The mountain the Racers are driving across collapses into a deep body of water which knocks Penelope Pitstop into a memory of her youth. It's mostly composed of crayons.

• Penelope's memories might be a little wonky from the near drowning. Or else she actually had a Cyclops for a step-father. She seems to worship Zeus, so I guess it's possible! Anyway, her backstory was one of abuse so you'd think she would have been more offended by Dick's comment than Peter was. But why would she get offended at Dick Dastardly?! He's the hero of this story!

• One of the rules of the race is that the Racers can't let other Racers die. That seems like a ridiculous rule. I guess this race isn't about finding a winner to send to a fabled Utopia after all. The Announcer must need them to save what's left of the world and the only way to do that is to forge them into a strong team who can depend on each other.

• I still wish they could kill each other. I guess that would make things too easy.

• Sawtooth has a metal chastity belt and a metal mouth gag. What the fuck is up with that?! I guess he's Rufus's sexual subservient.

See? A deviant! Rufus and Sawtooth are definitely fucking. Violently.

• Penelope and Dick bond over slaughtering mutant crabs away from the rest of the Racers. Penelope even admits that Dick makes a lot of sense. Of course he does! He's the most intelligent Racer in the group! He also hates everybody and knows life is a piece of shit that simply wears you down until you're too tired to argue with it anymore and you die listlessly! That whole raging against the dying of the light? Impossible! Life has almost assuredly crushed the spirit from you long before you're gasping your final breaths.

• Dick also probably reviews comic books.

• The plant monster controls Red Max like a puppet in the way you're probably imagining a puppet is puppeted. He says to Rufus, "I don't know what you see in this, Rufus." Is the only point of Red Max to insult all of the characters in ways that allow the reader to discover their gender and sexuality?! He's quite the important character then!

• Dick and Penelope are almost eaten by a monstrosity of a Leviathan. It's not a natural sea monster though! It has the logo of some gene-splicing company: a hatchet chopping a double helix in half. Is the company the bad guy The Announcer is training the Racers to battle? Or is the company just one of The Announcer's many assets to make the Racer's life more difficult?

• I hope the ultimate enemies are aliens.

• The issue ends without revealing who wins the race. It was probably Pat Pending! But I think this issue is the one that's saying, "Look! It doesn't matter who wins each race because the race is beside the point! The point is what the Racers learn about themselves and each other during each race! Sheesh! Pay attention!"

• I'm just going to mark down that Pat Pending won! So that's one for Penelope, one for Dick, and one for Pat! Go Dick!

My Opinions!
I wish the art in this comic book were a little bit clearer. I get that it's gritty and post-apocalyptic but sometimes I actually want to be able to understand what I'm looking at without having to cross my eyes and stare through the page until everything comes into focus. As for the writing, I have a feeling it will get better as Ken Pontac gets more comfortable with the world he's building. I do like that each issue has been one individual race, like the episodes of the cartoons. I also like that the race doesn't actually matter. It's just a metaphor for life, and the Racers a metaphor for those we're closest to on our journey through it. Getting to the finish line ahead of the rest isn't the point. It's how you treat the others on the journey, and it's about discovering the things you're capable of, and it's about redeeming the things you eventually become wise enough to realize need redeeming. This book has a lot of potential, I think. Dick Dastardly has always been my favorite Racer and he continues to be in this comic book. My second favorite from the cartoon? Rufus and Sawtooth! And, hey! Guess what? I think they're becoming my second favorite here too! They just need more on-panel time!


  1. Dude, you are hysterical. I love your reviews.

    And you are absolutely right about EVERYTHING.

    1. Thanks! Keep up the good work! You've got a lot of Wacky Races fans judging you! I didn't have huge hopes for this Hanna Barbera DC Comics crossover deal but I'm enjoying them all!