Friday, September 2, 2016

Wonder Woman #5

Thick bush double entendre.

Steve Trevor has been captured by some guy named Cadulo who is looking into becoming a god of some kind. Probably the usual kind of god who is a huge dick and makes everybody's lives miserable. Even the imaginary gods (i.e. all of them) do this by not being there to answer the prayers of the miserable and disaffected. The best piece of dogma religion ever came up with is saying "God helps those who help themselves." You know who also helps those who help themselves? Themselves! Did that make sense? You know what? I don't care.

Greg Rucka begins this issue by shouting, "I AM A FUCKING WRITER! NOT JUST A WRITER! WITH A CAPITAL 'W' BUT A WRITER! WITH ALL CAPS (AND AN EXCLAMATION MARK)! IT'S JUST HARD TO TELL WHEN I'M SHOUTING THAT THAT'S WHAT I MEANT!" He's all, "Check out this word I know: illeism. Pretty fucking fancy, right? I bet you're pretty amazed that I knew that word! But you know what? Guess who else knows that word? Steve Trevor! But wait! There's more! Even Cadulo knows the word! Fuck yeah! I bet the only people who didn't know that word were the stupid assholes reading my WRITING!" Then he probably swung his big dick around but in a totally non-sexist way. Don't get me wrong! I don't mind if WRITERS! use rare and mystifying words. But I might need to actually believe that the characters using those words would know those words for some reason. I might believe Steve Trevor decided to figure out the word because he's gone up against so many people who speak in the third person. I might actually let that pass. But for Steve to ask somebody if they know there's a word for speaking in the third person and the person knows what it is? Now my credulity is straining, and not in a sexy way.

I might be discovering that I'm not a fan of Greg Rucka! Is that blasphemy?

Rucka also had Etta Candy's friend or partner or booty call, Sasha, use the word "apotheosis." That's a standard WRITER! word to use and it did irk me when I saw it but I might have hardly noticed if it weren't for that whole illeism exchange. In Call of Duty, people call WRITERS! like this "try hards." Usually I'm all, "Why shouldn't people try hard?! That's the best way to do things!" But sometimes I'm like, "Oh, okay. I get it. This is a person try harding a little too hard!"

You know what I want to read now? An Ernest Hemingway book where somebody went through and WRITERED! it up! That might actually be funny! I prefer my writers to be somewhere in the middle of Hemingway and a WRITER!

The whole "illeism" thing is sort of important to a later revelation. As Cadulo talks with Steve, he actually uses the first person pronoun to refer to himself. Which means something maybe? Or maybe Cadulo doesn't usually refer to himself in the third person. I could see saying something like, "You're Americans. Sent to stop Tess." Not because I refer to myself in the third person often but because that's just what they were sent to do. I suppose I could say "sent to stop me" but "sent to stop Tess" seems just as appropriate. Plus maybe Tess isn't actually me! Like maybe the guy speaking with Trevor isn't Cadulo! Or doesn't plan to become Urzkartaga even if he is! It might even seem like Steve Trevor will be the body in which Urzkartaga will wind up.


Wonder Woman explains to Cheetah how her continuity is super fucked up and she's hoping to find a way to fix it. Cheetah doesn't say, "ForRRrrRRrrget about it, SisterrRRrrRRrr. DC will shake it up again in a few yearrRRrrRRrrs."

Back in America, Sasha has been compromised by Doctor Psycho (probably). Apparently their initial plan has been fucked by the introduction of Trevor and Wonder Woman. Good thing Plan B calls for Steve Trevor and Wonder Woman! So, um, nothing has changed. The bad guy's plan continues on track, just like they always do. But at least this time the Doctor is acknowledging that they need to switch plans as opposed to saying something like, "Wonder Woman approaches Cadulo's lair! Just as I planned somehow!"

Back in Cadulo's lair, Trevor discovers that men are power hungry entitled dicks and women are their victims. Has Greg Rucka written this story before? It sounds familiar! Trevor also learns that he's an important catalyst in Cadulo's apotheosis! Did I spell that write?! Hopefully Wonder Woman and Cheetah will arrive in time before Steve Trevor goes from woke male to toxic bro.

Whoops! Not much time now!

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