Friday, September 9, 2016

Cyborg Rebirth #1

Cyborg has a brand new vibrator and he's sort of afraid to use it.

The Facts!
• Oh Cyborg! Haven't we given you enough chances to be an interesting character?! If as a character you hit your peak when you're stuffing your face full of pizza and playing video games, it's probably time for a little soul searching. Perhaps just bow out gracefully. Let some other people have a chance at the spotlight. Stop embarrassing yourself! At this point, I'm more compelled to read an Aquaman comic book than a Cyborg comic book.

• Part of my current distaste for Cyborg might be because I'm reading the late eighties, early nineties Marv Wolfman run of The New Titans where Cyborg spends about thirty issues as a remote controlled piece of taxidermy. I really can't imagine why they keep him around anymore. Maybe it's because all of Gar Logan's Playstation save game files are stored in Cyborg.

• In his early years, Cyborg was basically just a life support system for a white noise blaster. But nowadays, he's the ultimate computer hacker! He's also a shape changer! Basically if anybody needs to recover their files from a crashed hard drive or needs to rent a Bobcat to bury a body in the garden, Cyborg is your guy!

• Cyborg is twenty-one years old at this point and has been half-machine since he was fifteen. I mean sixteen! Stupid fat fingers hit the wrong button on the calculator. He's currently training at STAR Labs. The "STAR" part of the name stands for "Scientific and Technology Advanced Research." That sounds fucking stupid. Didn't it used to mean "Scientific and Technological Advanced Research" Labs? Who authorized the idiotic change?!

• Cyborg is currently battling the monster version of himself. Although maybe it's more robot and less monster with zero human. So it's not a real reflection of Cyborg. It's just Cyborg's projection of a reflection of himself! See, he sees himself as an unlovable monster. At least he sometimes did and might still think that. Perhaps we'll finally get a confident Cyborg who doesn't worry about asking "Who or what am I?" at the beep of a boop.

• Cyborg gets knocked unconscious by his enemy which is a perfect time for the system running the simulation to pop open a subroutine to figure out Cyborg's identity. It's weird to think that a STAR Labs computer doesn't know Cyborg's identity. Although it isn't weird to think some of the people picking up this book don't know his identity or how he became the inhuman monster with the white noise cannon on his wrist. Let's find out about Victor Stone! If that's who he really is! Maybe his entire life has been a lie and we'll find out he was adopted by the Stone's! That would put a new spin on Cyborg constantly asking, "Who am I?!"

• The computer checks the DNA records and confirms that Cyborg is Victor Stone. That's when it realizes its database is full of romantic stories about how people in STAR Labs met. I think most of them met through T.O. Morrow's Dating App which was also his cybernetic son.

"I am a computer. I can speak normally and use all of the words without calling attention to my computerness. At least until I have to mention love. Why do humans call it that? Can they not simply refer to it as the engaging of their input/output devices?"

• The simulation might not actually be a simulation but an actual attack on STAR Labs. The computer is just monitoring Cyborg's efforts to defend STAR Labs so it can analyze his powers. I'm fine with either thing being true since Cyborg is unlikely to die in a simulation and he's also unlikely to die in a real battle in his Rebirth issue.

• The monster politely introduces itself to Cyborg as Malware. Hey Malware! According to my grandmother, I'm Mal Ñino!

Hey look! Cyborg made a joke that was actually kind of funny and he didn't follow it up with "That was a joke!" This series is different than his last one!

• Cyborg gets knocked unconscious again so it's a perfect time for another flashback! I hope everything readers need to know is covered in this Rebirth issue or else Cyborg is going to be suffering from a lot of concussions to set up the flashbacks for his backstory.

• This flashback is about the death of his mother. It was the first failure of Silas Stone and it hardened his heart like a hard thing! And it's hard to love with a hard thing!

• As Cyborg is beginning to recover, there's time for one more short flashback to when Cyborg was half destroyed by a Mother Box opening a Boom Tube inside of him. Victor's life was saved only because Silas took him to the Red Room and attached him to all of the technology and crossing his fingers. Some scientist!

• I mean, it worked, scientist!

• Cyborg and Malware have their final face-off in a secret room just past the Red Room and three doors down. The room is buffered against any kind of wireless technology sending any streams of data through it. That way, nobody can hack into and find the data being stored in the secret safe in the center. I bet the safe contains Vic's actual penis!

• Malware tries to hack Cyborg but Cyborg is so full of his own malware that Malware is destroyed. Or something. I don't really understand how computers work. I think it's just a bunch of cockroach brains linked together with fiber optics?

Oh look! Cyborg is definitely more human than machine! No human knows when to use whomever over whoever!

• The information inside the safe in the center of the room...the information that was so well-guarded so that nobody would discover what it was...that information? It automatically begins telling Cyborg what it is. It's all, "Hey! Hey! Is somebody out there?! Oh man, I've been so lonely in this room! Let me tell you all about me! I'm a Victor Stone program! I'm what's in Cyborg! Does that mean Cyborg isn't real? Oh no! Mystery! I hope you're not Cyborg, whoever you are. Or is it whomever you are? Oh man, that's a tough word to figure out! Anyway, don't worry if you are Victor because, um, I was just kidding. Ha ha! You're real. Don't spend your entire comic book series wondering if you're real or not! Bye!"

• The computer narrating the story turns out to be STAR Labs' scary version of Silas Stone. It's Victor's Machine Dad! That's good because now Cyborg can have Human Daddy Issues and Machine Daddy Issues! He'll be twice as interesting as every other DC character! Other members of Machine Dad's step family include Amazo, The Engineer, The Metal Men, Cyborg Superman, Red Tornado, The Shaggy Man, The Brain, Steel, Robotman, OMAC, and some guy with goggles whom I don't recognize!

The Opinions!
At least I'm not completely disinterested in this Cyborg series yet! It's got some potential, I suppose, even if it's going to go in the usual direction of Cyborg questioning his authenticity. At least they threw in the Double Daddy Issue Deal. Maybe that'll be interesting. Especially if Machine Daddy shows any kind of affection at all because Human Daddy is a stone-hearted dick! Oh! A stone! That's the hard thing Silas Stone's heart became!

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