Constantine the Hellblazer #11

This is exactly the type of hedonistic deviltries I expect people in Hollywood to get up to.

The Review!
This version of Constantine has managed to retain the spirit of the character unlike the previous sanitized New 52 version which was just John getting into trouble with magic or demons and then John casting a dangerous spell with dire consequences to save the day and then never really having to deal with the dire consequences. It might not feel quite as gritty and dark as the Vertigo version but it's close enough that I'm really enjoying it. And besides, the main constant in Constantine's life is that every few years, he gets a new creative team to tell his stories. And this is a new team with an interesting take and conflicts that need more imaginative sorting than the ones found in the previous version.

The Commentary
This weekend, my seven year old niece wanted me to pick her up because she had a secret she wanted to tell me. When I picked her up, she said, "Will you carry me forever?" Some people may have been overwhelmed by the loving gesture but I instantly saw it as a moneymaking opportunity! I said, "Sure I can. If you pay me!" She said she had no money so I asked her how much her mother had. Long story short, my niece owes me a quarter next time I see her.

Here she is doing a better Lobo impression than Twat Lobo from The New 52.

Another thing that happened is people on Tumblr began reblogging my favorite X-men story joke but not understanding it was a joke because it was such a spot on parody of the mess the X-men have become thanks to decades of loony time travel stories. This is what I said: "Favorite X-men story: the X-men time travel from the future to stop the time traveling X-men of the past from time traveling into the future to stop the future time travelers from time traveling." It turns out this must fairly accurately describe some New X-Men story arc that I've never read because people keep tagging it with New X-men notes and defending Hank McCoy's decision to...I don't know! Fuck up continuity?! Other people have reblogged it thinking it really is an example of somebody's favorite story arc because they agree with it and think it's awesome. I am left with the conclusion that people are far too earnest than they probably think they are. My story idea is obviously nonsense! Although if it's an accurate representation of a story that happened in the X-men universe then fuck the X-men universe because that shit is shit. Which it must be because somebody replied to my joke with this: "In the end, retconning the story and making it seem like nothing happened." I shouldn't be so surprised that I can make such an educated guess as to the stories of the X-men even though I haven't read one since Grant Morrison and Josh Whedon were writing for the series because I am, after all, a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

To be fair, it's not like I can check all of the tags people add to every reblog. I should be earnest enough to believe that everybody gets it's a joke and stop being overly cynical about every single fucking thing that ever happens in this universe. I also should have made my niece sign an IOU.

To be more fair, one person tagged the post "No Joke". No, actually it was a joke. It was a fucking joke! It isn't actually my favorite story nor did I realize such a story seems to actually exist! I can't tell what is real anymore!

Anyway, Constantine is currently in L.A. instead of New York so that he can bitch about how people like to point out the differences between the two places. He says people who compare the two are missing the point and then begins shitting all over Los Angeles because he thinks they think they're better than everybody else. Which is probably true. But it isn't any less true about New Yorkers, so why even bring it up?

This guy's night just got interesting!

The party is being hosted by the angel Gabriel. Get it? Because it's the city of angels! Is that the real difference between New York and Los Angeles? One is full of demons and the damned and the other is full of angels and shit?

Gabriel is the guardian angel of Hollywood making sure that the entertainment industry doesn't get taken over by all those filthy demons from New York. That sounds like it could be an anti-Semitic allegory! Although if it is, it doesn't make any sense because the Jews already own Hollywood which would mean Gabriel totally fucked up his job.

Constantine has come to Gabriel for help against Neron. Oh yeah! I forgot that there was an actual story lurking in the shadows here. Constantine's argument for Gabriel's help is that if New York is taken over by Neron, all of the seedy magicians and their annoying familiars are going to flood into Los Angeles. I happen to think a good amount of them would wind up in Portland because why not? Every other loser who believes they have an ounce of creativity has found their way here.

It's possible I just insulted myself in the last sentence of the previous paragraph.

Ugh! No! I just said...NO, DAMMIT! ENOUGH!

Gabriel says he won't help so Constantine decides to just fuck off. Let somebody else deal with it. He's just going to go get drunk. The problem with that is Constantine can never just fuck off. Something always pulls him back in. And this time, it'll probably be Oliver. Or drugs. Maybe some hot sex. Alcohol? Could wind up being anything, really.

I forgot Deadman was on the cover so it surprises me when Boston Brand becomes the thing trying to pull Constantine back to New York. Although John swears he's still working with the angels even though Gabriel politely declined to help. He probably put something in the smoke he kept breathing into Gabriel's face that will cause Gabriel some kind of mystic discomfort which only John can cure and he'll only cure it if Gabriel helps. That sounds like a Constantine plan.

Eventually, Deadman just possesses John and drags him back to New York against his will. On the flight, John manages to banish Deadman but since John's stuck in New York overnight now, he decides to head home to his own bed. That's where he discovers Oliver who explains that his daughters have been taken to Hell. Whoops!

Gotham Academy #17

This is way too sexy for junior high. So I hope they're all in high school!

The Review!
Gotham Academy is one of my favorite comic books because I have a crush on most of the characters. The only problem I have with it is that it turned Serpents and Spells into just another fake DC Comics version of a real thing. In this case, it's Dungeons and Dragons. If you didn't know that then what are you doing reading crappy comic book reviews on the internet? You should be having sexual relations with other people who have never heard of Roller Playing Games! Anyway, I've decided to fix DC's mistake. I'm going to write the Maps version of Serpents and Spells. When I'm finished, it will be available as a monthly reward on my recently brought back to life Patreon!

The Commentary!
I've been reading a book called The Lore and Language of Schoolchildren and it reminded me of a rhyme I learned in elementary school that I'm guessing a bunch of people remember hearing, or at least a similar version of it. It went like this:

"Miss Suzy had a steamboat,
Her steamboat had a bell,
Miss Suzy went to heaven,
Her steamboat went to
Hello operator
Give me number nine.
If you disconnect me,
I'll kick in your
Behind the frigerator,
There was a piece of glass.
Miss Suzy sat upon it
And broke her little
Ask me no more questions,
I'll tell you no more lies.
The boys are in the bathroom
Zipping up their
Flies are in the garbage,
Bees are in the park.
Boys and girls are kissing
In the D-A-R-K dark!"

I don't know how well I remembered it here but I guess that's the point with these childhood rhymes. They're oral tradition and thus they change and mutate over time. The memes of the Internet-free childhood.

Maybe one of the kids in Gotham Academy will recite this rhyme now because isn't that how life works? It's just a random mishmash of synchronous moments that seem to mean more than they actually do?

Recently in Gotham Academy, it's just been a bunch of mini-stories about life at Gotham's strangest school. But also recently, Damian has stolen the yearbook Maps was working on that housed all of those zany stories! She knows this because Pomeline watched Damian take it and didn't lift one magic finger to stop him.

Bugsy's Icy Grasp? As in "Bigby's Icy Grasp"? I'm beginning to suspect Serpents and Spells is just a blatant rip-off of Dungeons and Dragons!

I would create the hell out a Maps-written Serpents and Spells! But only if DC were paying me. Which they should be since I would be the best choice to design that game. Can people get jobs by simply telling potential employers to trust them? Because, "Trust me, DC! I am an expert at creating Roller Playing Games!"

I have a question that isn't about giving me a job: Why are Pomeline, Olive, and Maps so adorable? Maps is the kind of "I wish I was this person" adorable. And Olive is adorable in a kind of "I have a crush on her and must stare at her throughout lunch without ever talking to her" way. And Pomeline is adorable in a kind of "I bet she fucks good" way.

The first story is about how stupid Heathcliff was because he went off with Black Canary to live out his dream of managing a band instead of staying behind to kiss Pomeline every day. What a dolt! Doesn't he know about romance?! Romantic rule #1 is to give up everything you ever cared about for somebody to love because life is terrible otherwise!

Romantic Rules are the worst for living your best life though! It's better to only love somebody who will throw away their life to be with you as you pursue your dream! That's Cynic Rule #1! It might not make people swoon when you tell them you can't kiss them anymore because you have to pursue something meaningful but they can't fault you if they're not willing to throw their life away either! Hypocrites!

Maps said cunt.

The next story is about Maps and Olive going on one of their ghost hunts. It begins in a really terrible way because Olive and Maps are talking about Serpents and Spells as if it's just the DC version of Dungeons and Dragons instead of a game Maps made up like I'm pretty sure was the original idea behind it. Even if it wasn't, it doesn't matter. I'm going to make a Serpents and Spells game and give it away as a reward for being a supporter of my Patreon which I'm resurrecting to try to rope in all of my Dwarf Lover fans (since I'm starting up Dwarf Lover again). If I don't make any extra money with that, I'm also going to have to start working extra hard on my Bible Study for Dumb Dumbs and see how much I can make selling digital books. If that doesn't pan out, I suppose I'd better learn how to make a noose and figure out which one of the rafters in the attic can support my weight!

That was an inappropriate joke about suicide! I would never actually kill myself because I'm totally in love with myself. Of course, if I ever catch me cheating on myself, I might do it in a fit of passion.

In this story, Maps and Olive encounter Teekl which makes it about the best story ever and fifty bajillion times better than Nocenti's attempt at writing Klarion. Especially since Ann Nocenti thought it would a good idea to keep Teekl dead in a jar. What a dope!

The final story is about the coolest group of kids to ever pitch a twenty-sided die at Gotham Academy: The Gilkey Warlocks! They're just the kind of cool kids I would have hung around in junior high if I wanted people to believe I didn't actually hang around with these kinds of kids in junior high which I did. I once played Dungeons and Dragons in the cafeteria with Ted Balman as the dungeon master and John Bailey and Chris Beal. You know, the cool kids! Right?

The Gilkey Warlocks disappeared because they played that Satanic game and Maps knows where they were last seen! It's a secret room which she wrote about in the year book Damian stole so she thought maybe he'd be there. And he was! And still is! It's just Maps and Olive won't notice him until next issue.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #11

This cover perfectly captures the essence of the story within: confusing garbage.

The Review!
Scott Lobdell will always have a job working for editors who hate trying to wrangle writers into being team players (being a team player, to an editor, is doing exactly what the editor wants) because Scott Lobdell has no vision of his own. I suppose you can say that his vision is writing characters that he thinks young people can identify with by making them rebellious and full of angst and angry at adults and authority but that's about the extent of it. It's not like he can build consistency in his characters over time because he just needs them to act in a way that will further whatever direction editorial wants the characters to be headed. So if editorial thinks Jason Todd as a murderous anti-hero sells, that's who the readers get. But when attitudes seem to change and people think he shouldn't be going around shooting everybody in the face, suddenly he's against killing! That might be okay if the stories backed up the change in character. But Red Hood changes his attitude by seeming whim alone. At least Roy Harper has been consistent. You always know he's the same old Rockabilly Genius that the introduction assures the reader he is, no matter the evidence to the contrary. What I'm trying to say is that this book is terrible with a capital shitfuck.

The Commentary!
Scott Lobdell has fallen into a rhythm with his Red Hood Loves Arsenal stories. He's found a theme that he's determined to stick with no matter how tired anybody gets of it. That theme is redemption. You see, Jason Todd and Roy Harper have both been given second chances. So now Jason Todd is only ever going to run into other characters who might be seen as villains or, at best, anti-heroes and he's going to cradle them in his arms and say, "Shh. Shh. Daddy's here now. You deserve to be loved. And I'm the one to do it because it'll show I'm better than Batman. And Roy will help because he wants to be better than Green Arrow. Because adults are poopy." Then all the shallow misfits of the world who can somehow, blindly, look past Scott Lobdell's awful writing feel good and embrace the comic book and call Jason Todd their little lost puppy dog. I don't know how many of those people exist because all the misfits I've ever known are anything but shallow and would sooner shit on a copy of Red Hood Loves Arsenal than read it. I don't currently have to shit so I guess I'm going to read it.

This issue begins with a flashback to when Roy Harper was working with the Wrecking Crew or whatever the fuck the bad guys are called in this issue. They're basically the negative version of Roy and Jason's Heroes for Hire business. Roy Harper's narration helps me remember that this crew call themselves Iron Rule. I'm not sure why. I've never heard of the Iron Rule before. Is that the one where you treat other people how you'd like to be treated if you liked to be treated like shit?

Once again, thanks to Roy Harper's incessant narration, I discover the meaning of the name!

It doesn't sound cool at all. It sounds fascist.

While Roy has nightmares about his old team and I have nightmares about the amount of Roy Harper Narration Boxing I have to read, Red Hood and Duela Dent discuss how she feels about going back to school. Duela doesn't find it weird that Jason Todd is completely made up as Red Hood for this chat. She should have though because Jason Todd is ambushing her. He found the Joker's face she kept hidden in the bathroom so now it's time to turn on her. Hey, he tried to help! She just didn't want the help and decided to keep doing what she wanted to do! So now his only choice is to abandon her even though that would mean he's not better than Bruce at all. He's exactly like Bruce!

Okay, maybe he's nothing like Bruce. He's not even the shit scraped off the bottom of Bruce's Batshoe. Jason Todd is an asshole.

This is probably why Scott Lobdell still has a job at DC Comics. You would think that the company would want to hire great writers and then keep the great writers working for them because great writing creates great word of mouth which creates great sales. But in the comic book business, what you really want is a writer who doesn't give a shit about what they're writing and will burn everything they've been working on at the drop of an editorial hat. So even though Lobdell has been working on this whole redemption theme and how Jason Todd has the compassion and empathy to try to understand and help the bad guys (after, you know, years of him just shooting people in the face. Again, Lobdell doesn't give a shit about consistency), Rebirth crops up and the status quo needs to change. So Jason Todd decides to forget all that shit about how he saw a little bit of himself in The Joker's Daughter just because she backslid once (or twice? Who cares how many times. He knows how hard it is to better oneself!), he's going to abandon her. And not just by sending her to Arkham where she can get help (okay, so nobody is actually getting help in Arkham. But she can theoretically get help there in the context of the DC You's reality). No, he has to shoot her and make a stupid fucking joke. Nice work, dick.

Meanwhile there's the Roy Harper story that I just don't fucking care about because Scott Lobdell has ruined Roy Harper forever. I'm not even being dramatic! Roy Harper is done! He'll never get the stink of Lobdell off him! No, that's not true. There's one way DC Comics can fix Roy Harper so that I'm not constantly remembering how awful he was in Lobdell's scripts. If DC can manage to get Thomas Pynchon to write a Roy Harper comic book, I might be able to forget how shitty he's been written for the last five years. Anyway, the comic ends with Roy facing off against Iron Rule. I hope they kill him.

Catwoman #51

Is this another book that's going to be taking cues from the current crop of DC television shows? Is Baby Catwoman going to be the focus of this story?

The Review
Catwoman has been bad since The New 52 began. Although when she wasn't Catwoman but Mafiawoman, she was actually well written. It's just I'm not comfortable thinking of Genevieve Valentine's run as part of the Catwoman series since she wasn't really doing much Catwomanning. I wouldn't say it's bad now but it's mediocre and underwhelming. But at least Tieri fills it with pop culture references so every few pages, I can think, "Hey! I get that reference. I'm so smart and filled with useless garbage."

The Commentary
I feel sick. I just saw the preview for Me Before You. I think it may have done some serious long-term damage to one of my more important internal organs. I suppose what the world needs now is a movie where a dying man teaches a girl who seems to be living life just fine how to really fucking live the fuck out of life. Because what an independent, carefree, cute, young woman really needs is a sour, grumpy, rich man in a wheelchair who only has six months left to live giving her the proper perspective on life. How is she supposed to live a full life if she's never fallen in love with a man who can offer her no future?! Although he is rich and dying so I might be wrong about offering her no future. He may in fact be offering her the greatest future in the world: financial independence at a young age without any intimate ties! After that commercial, there was a spot for the Ben-Hur remake and I seriously thought Morgan Freeman called the main character "Ben-Wa" before I realized what the movie was.

I also feel sick because my new downstairs neighbor seems to have taken the words of the little man from another place to heart. Whenever they're awake, they've got music playing and I can't fucking concentrate because I've got a thing about noise. That thing is that I don't like it when I'm not making it. It's weird that I can tune out any music or television the Non-Certified Spouse is enjoying but I get filled with a primal rage if I can hear anybody else's noises! That's probably a normal thing, right? Wishing that other people didn't exist? To drown out their music, I've got Graveyard of Horror on Comet TV playing at full volume. The worst part is they play music at night as well so now I think it's time to hook up the Dance, Dance Revolution to the television over their bedroom and completely fuck up their life. I'm nothing if not filled with the need for retribution against the slightest of transgressions against me.

This month in Catwoman, Black Mask's father is dying. And wouldn't you know it, Selina Kyle has a history with him and his involvement in secret societies! She must have been really young when she got involved in that mess, right? Like about the age she is in Gotham! If they're going to go through with this kind of flashback, there'd better be a roller rink sequence with her and Bruce Wayne.

The bonus story in Issue #50 proclaimed the story took place fifteen years in the past which was obviously ridiculous. That would probably have put Selina even younger than the age she is in Gotham and yet she was no more than fifteen and probably more like eighteen. This issue has a flashback to Selina at about the same age but proclaims it takes place "Several Years Ago". So somebody tried to straighten up that mess. Anyway, in the flashback, Selina and her brother are committing credit card fraud by using Dick Sionis's credit card. Unless maybe David isn't Selina's brother. They seem a bit too touchy-feely to be siblings. From my experience, siblings usually go their whole lives without touching in any way at all.

In the flashback, Selina and David sell a necklace to Louie who was overweight in the present so guess what? He's constantly eating! His entire character development in the flashback is about how he eats so much! And every shot of him, he's got a sandwich stuffed in his mouth. Ha ha! It's always so funny how writers have to point out that fat people eat! Usually, writers just allow the readers to assume certain things about characters. We assume they go to the bathroom even though it's rarely ever shown. We assume they breathe even if they rarely exclaim, "I'd better take another breath now before I die!" And we assume they eat and drink enough to maintain life functions. But if a character is fat?! Well, obviously they must be eating in every fucking scene. I thought this whole "fat characters must always be shown with their thoughts consumed by food" was a thing that went out sometime in the eighties. I just saw an episode of Mork and Mindy yesterday where two little girls came by to see Mork and one of them was pudgy. So what were her lines? "Do you have any ice cream you're not using?" And then she left the scene to spend most of it off-camera in the kitchen. The next time she appears, she's scarfing down a huge turkey leg and proclaiming that Mindy is out of some kind of food. I didn't commit it to memory because I didn't think I was going to mention it in a commentary. I know! My mistake! I mention everything in these stupid commentaries! Anyway, I guess some writers still think fat people are fat because they're constantly shoving food down their face, even in situations where they normally wouldn't be shoving food in their face. At the very least, they always have some food in their pockets that can be used to move the plot along.

Does Kyle have to carry his racket everywhere he goes? I doubt he'll find a tennis game in the woods.

In the present, Catwoman has decided to steal Dick's Faceless Mask but the False Face Society gets to it first. Luckily she's teamed up with Alice Tesla and has lots of new technology to work with. So of course she's got a mini-tracking device which she can stick on White Mask, the new False Face Society's leader (clever, right?! Black Mask. White Mask!), Batman style.

Once more, Frank Tieri can't go more than two pages without referencing something--anything!--from popular culture. So he makes sure to mention Field of Dreams because CORNFIELD! And then he makes sure to mention Eyes Wide Shut because GATHERING OF MASKED PEOPLE! He's so clever with the seventeen to twenty-seven year old references!

The big shocker is that White Mask is actually...DAVID?! Oh no! Not that guy I know nothing about who Tieri assures me means a lot to Selina!

Later Black Mask kills his father and a bunch of hospital staff in a big Sleepaway Camp shocker!

Batman Loves Superman #31

I wonder what Batman is singing here?

The Review
Even though this story is about Superman dying, it's raised the quality of this comic substantially! That's probably because Eddie Berganza is keeping his gropey mitts off of this series and letting Tomasi tell the story all himself. That's why Tomasi is writing both Superman and Batman Loves Superman right now. I don't know if he's also writing Action Comics and still on Superman Loves Wonder Woman until this story is over. Probably! It's really the way to go because whenever you have a story controlled by Group Editor Eddie Wanderinghandza and written by several writers, the quality always suffers. Because the story is always as bad as the worst writer helping out. Plus when you've got a clod like Berganza conducting, you're guaranteed cacophony.

The Commentary
My favorite thing about the Superman books now being numbered so readers know in which order to read them is that you know, one day, DC Comics is going to publish them out of order. I can't wait for that day so I can openly mock them! "Losers!" I'll say! "Do your job right! How am I supposed to read these in the correct order? Build a time machine?! Jerks! Poor business people! Lousy organizers!" Oh man, that was fun. I guess I don't have to wait for that day! I can mock them any time I want to by just pretending they fucked something up! Just like everybody else on the internet!

This issue is called "The Final Days of Superman" because the bitch is dying. He flew too close to the sun and now he's paying the price! No wait. I guess that whole Icarus analogy can't be used willy-nilly on anybody! Because if Superman flies too close to the sun, he gets stronger. Oh! You know what would make the Icarus myth better! If Daedalus was knocked out of the air by a plummeting Icarus and as he too crashes to the ground, he could have yelled, "Arg! I flew too close to the son!"

Superman has decided to go tell Batman he loves him. What better way to end your life than making Batman feel awkward and uncomfortable? Batman is currently busy fighting crime.

Or shooting a porno.

Superman hasn't actually come to hug Batman at all. He wants the use of Batman's detective skills to find Supergirl. Well, it's about time! My theory is that she finally met somebody in the universe who didn't approve of being punched in the face as a greeting and locked her up somewhere. And wherever she's locked up, it's strong enough to withstand her vagina exploding FWASH power. I don't know if Superman knows it but Supergirl once survived Chronic Kryptonite Poisoning herself! She might be able to help save him if she can remember how she got better. I can't remember. I think it had something to do with Cyborg Superman and some people called I'noxians.

Superman meets Titus and Batcow but Alfred Pennyworth the Cat smells Krypto all over him and decides to remain in the shadows. Before Superman leaves, Alfred says thank you to him and I almost lose it. It's weird because I generally don't feel like I care about most of these fictional characters. I've got a pretty thick callous of cynicism coating my brain and yet fucking Tomasi always knows how to write Alfred in just the right way to break through the armor. Maybe he catches me off-guard by writing a scene where I open the emotional gates to let the anger out because Alfred Pennyworth the Cat didn't get to meet Superman and so I write some glib excuse for why the cat didn't make the cut and then BOOM! Alfred thanks Superman and leaves it at that and I'm left thinking, "How did my anger turn to melancholy so quickly?!"

Meanwhile in Metropolis, that escaped convict is still going around thinking he's Superman. I mean, he doesn't think he's Superman when he's not all Superman'd up. But then he pushes a kid off of a roof and the kid is about to die and he transforms and suddenly he's Superman and he's thinking like Superman and he has Superman's powers and he has to save the kid. I'm sure it's nothing. Probably just a side story that will never go anywhere. Unless Tomasi writes Superman differently than Scott Lobdell did.

Superman saves a bunch of lives while Batman does the detective thing. When Superman returns to Gotham, Batman tells Superman that Kara seems to have gone to some mysterious place called National City. That must be the Washington, DC, of the DC Youniverse. For several reasons! First of all, Gotham and Metropolis are both the fictional New Yorks of the DC Youniverse even though there's still a New York City in the DC Youniverse. So National City is probably the fictional Washington, DC, of the DC Youniverse even though there's already a Washington, DC. But even more apt is that DC Comics used to be National Comics. So they're being clever! Also I don't think any political shit really goes down in National City. Maybe a few baseball games or something, but that's about it.

Before Batman can say more, they're attacked by a number of Chinese New Year Animals. I bet it's the work of the new and improved Calendar Man! This gimmick is way better than whatever his gimmick was before!

Well la dee da! Batman just knows fucking everything, doesn't he?!

The Zodiac creatures were probably sent by the evil Doctor Omen who recently hacked the Fortress of Solitude. Unless that's a racist assumption to make because she was Chinese and these are Chinese Zodiac animals. But it's not like Doctor Light has appeared in this comic book! So why would I think she was behind it. Also she's Japanese so that was racist.

Before the creatures destroy themselves, the dragon slices Superman's neck and makes him bleed. Well, now The Coming of the Supermen #3 cover makes sense! Except it was on the wrong comic book!

Instead of figuring out what the attack was about, Superman decides it's time to rush off to National City where Supergirl is currently sealed in some kind of Anti-Bum machinery. It's the worst because I can't see her bum!

The Sheriff of Babylon #5

At this point, I don't know why the blurb writers haven't taking over the writing of this comic book. They're so much smarter than everybody else! Here's another that uses the term 'realpolitik'!

The Review
I wish I could come up with the kind of poetical blurb that Paste Magazine has come up with! I mean with which Paste Magazine has come up! Damn it! I hope they don't read this and think, "Why is this stupid man reading a thinking man's comic?!" Actually, I hope they do think that. Fuck them for implying that comics are for stupid, illiterate, vacuous staring cowpeople and only occasionally is one written that is worth somebody's time! Fuck you, Paste Magazine! Sit on my stupid dick and spin smartly! You fuckgarbage! I hope Paste Magazine isn't too busy jerking off into their own mouths over the sentence "corpses of patriotism litter yesterday's battlefields" to read the next issue! I'm going to use that statement as my Facebook Political Views blurb! And I won't give any attribution! People will read it and think, "Whoa. Tess is a real thinking man!" Currently my political views is this quote by John Steinbeck: "And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual. This is what I am and what I am about. I can understand why a system built on a pattern must try to destroy the free mind, for this is one thing which can by inspection destroy such a system. Surely I can understand this, and I hate it and I will fight against it to preserve the one thing that separates us from the uncreative beasts. If the glory can be killed, we are lost." Maybe that should go on the cover of the next Sheriff of Babylon! And while I'm proving that I'm not smart enough to come up with a terrifically smug comment like Paste Magazine's, here's the quote by Philip K. Dick which I use as my Religious Views blurb on Facebook: "Our partial knowledge of reality is sufficient to get us by--for a while longer. Cause and effect bumble on, and we go with them; like good middle-class Americans we keep paying on our insurance policies, hoping to outbet the actuary tables. What will destroy us in the end is synchronicity; eventually we will arrive in a blind intersection at 4:00 A.M. the same time another idiot does, also tanked up with beer; both of us will then depart for the next life, with probably the same outcome there, too. Synchronicity, you see, can't be anticipated; that's one of its aspects."

Was that a clear enough review of this issue? I hope so because I haven't even read it yet! But I figure it's going to be just as good as the previous four issues. Plus, Paste Magazine already said everything that needs to be said when they modified 'horror' with 'realpolitik'!

Wait! I've read it now! It's wonderful! So wonderful! I cried multiple times. And I know that sounds sarcastic but it wasn't meant to be at all. This is truly a moving and touching piece of storytelling. Plus it features a bit about cats which is the best because cats are the best and anybody who writes a story that includes cats is obviously a realpolitikal genius.

The Commentary
I have never had a conversation with another human being where they used the word 'realpolitik'. At least not one that didn't immediately end with me punching them in the throat and pissing on their face.

Currently in The Sheriff of Babylon, a whole bunch of stuff has been happening that I don't understand because I never take the time to think about my comic books. I just flip through the pages and think, "Oh yeah! Violence! Boobies! A Superman sheet! I wish I was reading Superman so I didn't have to keep using my brain and my online dictionary to tell me what words like 'realpolitik' and 'zzzgrwchhazzx' mean!

The online dictionary didn't have a definition for 'zzzgrwchhazzx' but the Urban Dictionary says it's the sound a goat makes when you suck its dick after filling your mouth with your own shit. I don't think Tom King is using it in that way here though. I think it's just meant to be snoring sound effects.

Oh! I get this part! He's drunk! Ha ha!

The drunk guy must be drunk on hard liquor because you probably shouldn't drink beer on Atkins! You can drink rye though which is ironic! Isn't it? It might not be. Nerds on the internet have made me afraid to describe things as ironic because apparently nobody in the history of ever has ever used the term correctly. Let me try to use it correctly: "The irony, of course, was that the newly entrenched invaders bringing about their strange laws and new rules had never heard the word 'realpolitik' used in any conversation." Damn it! That isn't right! I hate not being a thinking man! So frustrating!

I can't wait until somebody pipes up in the comments to educate me on all the stuff I'm pretending not to know!

Actually, I'm only pretending that I'm pretending not to know so I don't look stupid! Is that ironic?!

The problem with thinking man comic books is that they don't think they need to remind me what the name of the main character is so now I'm six pages in without any idea what Christopher's name is. Oh wait! It's Christopher! I was casually reminded on page two! Good thing I picked those things up subconsciously! I know the broad's name is Fatima and that I shouldn't call her a broad. I'm not stupid!

Have you ever noticed how only stupid people have to claim they're not stupid? That's the best way to pick them out of a crowd since everybody believes they're smart. Okay, most everybody. Occasionally you'll come upon a person who knows they're a dumb-ass. But then maybe they're just trying to seem wise because they once heard that Socrato declared that he knew nothing and that's what made him smarter than the people who thought they knew everything! Sometimes people will know they're not "book smart" but then they'll go on and on about how much common sense they have while I make a jerk-off motion with my hand, usually directed into my open mouth. I'm the kind of smart that isn't book smart or common sense smart! I'm the kind of smart that most people wouldn't categorize as smart at all!

Christopher and Fatima decide to get bombed on the edge of a bombed out pool.

Is it ironic that Fatima is Muslim and she drinks? She also kills. She also has loads of sex outside of marriage. I bet she even draws pictures of Muhammad. Which--let's face it--isn't the big deal some people would like to make it out to be. Just because a religion has a tenet that followers should respect doesn't mean somebody outside of the religion has to respect it as well! That's arrogant bullshit. It's also just an excuse for assholes to kill. It's like when a drunk guy at a bar keeps bumping into you aggressively and you finally say, "Hey, dude. Chill." Now that you've confronted him, you've given him an excuse to punch your stupid face in! And he feels like he's in the right because you fucking started it, man! I doubt most Muslims even care if a non-Muslim draws a picture of Muhammad. Just like how I can tell my Christian friends the joke about Jesus not being able to walk on water now because of the holes in his feet. They won't kill me for telling that joke but they will groan and probably walk away because it was in poor taste. I should save jokes like that and my drawings of Muhammad for my secret atheist meetings where we wring our hands and snicker maniacally while planning the downfall of all earthly religions! Actually, the wringing of the hands is just to get the Cheetoh's dust off of them and the snickering is usually because we just blew up one of our friends in Call of Duty and the planning the downfall of all earthly religions is just not thinking about religion at all. Or at least hardly ever in the context of destroying them. I think about religion a lot because I'm fascinated by it. Plus I was a literature major so I have to know The Bible to get 90% of the allusions being made in practically everything written before 1945. And a whole lot of it after that, too!

Although now I'm rethinking that bit where I tell that Jesus joke to Christians. I bet if I told it to the wrong group of Christians, I could be endangering my life! Because a lot of people have that double standard in their own minds where they believe violence is wrong unless it is justified. And what justifies violence for any single person is completely different depending on their beliefs, their passions, and their time spent in anger management classes. I would justify violence against anybody who might harm one of my pets. Or somebody who puts on a voice and says to me, "Fatty fatty two-by-four, can't fit through the bathroom door."

You know why I think drawing a depiction of Muhammad is so offensive? Because it represents one of the biggest splits between two of the People of the Book, Christians and Muslims. While Christians seemed to ignore the whole idol worship thing and went off to basically found their religion on the worship of a man (who was possibly the son of God although probably really just a prophet and/or lunatic), Islam proclaims idol worship to be one of the greatest sins a person can commit. So Islam went another route and declared all depictions of prophets and, well, anybody, really, were considered idol worship. Which makes sense if you're a prophet and believe Allah is the guy to concentrate on. You'd go out of your way to tell people not to paint pictures of you, the prophet, which might eventually get held up above Allah. Just as happened with Christians and their worship of Jesus. So basically Muhammad was taking a huge dig at Christians! He was pointing out how backwards they got it and didn't want Islam to fall into the same trap. Ban the iconography and less attention is pulled away from the whole "there is no god but Allah" refrain.

Why did I take that digression?! Those are topics for my secret writings and not my public comic book writings!

This should be published in the newspapers alongside the other strips every single week. Because this is all you need to know about life.

Fatima and Christopher talk about 9/11 (Does that confuse pretty much the rest of the entire world? Are children of other countries going to hear it called 9/11 and believe it happened on the ninth of November?). Fatima admits that the only problem she had with US sanctions against Iraq when Saddam was in power was that she couldn't masturbate properly. I think. She says she couldn't get batteries and I don't know why else a woman would need batteries. They never get to operate the remote control, right?! Brozingo! That joke time traveled from 1984.

Near the end of their time hanging out, Christopher shows Fatima an old fertility idol he was given by his predecessor. And now I'm glad I got into the digression because Fatima takes it, and looks at, and admires its beauty, and suspects it's an old god, and then tosses it in the crater saying, "There is only one god. And Muhammad is his prophet." So see? It all came together in the end! It should mean something.

Batgirl #50

Frankie is looking HAWT.

The Review
I really love Batgirl of Burnside and for some reason, I didn't have it in the highly recommended category on my review site. Or whatever I call it. Must reads? Best of DC? Books with the perkiest tits? Anyhow, it's one of my favorites and I've rectumified the error.

The Commentary
Dear Diary,

Today I filled in a crossword puzzle with only the word penis, and a sudoku with only little images of cocks. I did this at the laundromat with a magazine I found lying near the washer I was using. I needed to do laundry because I sniffed the gusset on every single one of my underpants and all of them smelled like I had just come back from programming class staring at the hot guy three seats up and four seats over who has a pleasant habit of touching his crotch while he thinks through a logic problem. I don't know if that's actually a pleasant habit but I know I enjoy watching it because he's totally doing it subconsciously so I feel like I'm spying on something nasty. Sometimes I think of asking him out and putting his hand in my lap and saying, "Write a program to determine the least number of moves a person can make to win at Checkers if their opponent moves their far right-hand piece first." Oh god, I feel tingly! Why don't I just have the balls to ask him--or anybody!--on a simple fuck date!

I wonder if Steph or Harper eat pussy?

I am so pent up!

Look at this rear end! How has no tongue ever tracked it's way across my butthole, over my taint, and straight on til morning?!

Why can't I be as popular with the boys as I am with supervillains, whackjobs, and serial killers?! I don't even mind if a guy just wants me for my hot perky bod! I'm sick of guys going after me for my mind, like that one guy whose name I can't remember when I first got to Burnside or that other guy whose name I can't remember because he's been stealing all of my memories or that other guy who was a cop but I fucked up my chance with him. And before that, the only people after me were women! That was weird. And hot in a way. I don't know if I really want to kiss another woman but I wouldn't mind some oral sex from one. That's not Batgay, is it?

Oh, I remembered the name of the guy whose ass I kicked yesterday! The Fugue! More like the Fugly, amirite, Diary?! That creep went through my underwear drawer, so he had to pay!

We should start a band named Hawt Bitches. We would all have cool nicknames like Bootyspread, Grumpfuck, Virgin Slut, Accidental Blowjob, and Electric Bungholelube. It would be like the girl version of Gwar! Except instead of blood and violence, we'd shower the audience with nudity and sex juices! Also maybe blood and violence since Black Canary--I mean Grumpfuck!--will be in the group.

Fugue thought up this overly complicated plan to murder thousands of people and blame it all on me. What's up with Gotham Baddies trying to ruin my sparkling--if too pure--reputation?! What the poop did I do?! It's a good thing I had the girl band with me to take out Fugue's allies while I dealt with him. It's like I have my own little Batfamily of hawt little super sluts!

Electric Bungholelube took out Killer Moth by grasping his goo gun and turning it around on him, spraying the sticky ejaculate all over his body until he couldn't move. Ugh! I'm so jealous!

Accidental Blowjob was up against the Jawbreakers which, now that I've written it down, is totes fitting! I saw the recordings of the fight and at one point, Accidental Blowjob says, "It looks like I'm gonna have my hands full down there." Oh man! Why didn't she say "mouth" instead of "hands"?! I mean, I know why she didn't. Because she doesn't know I've been calling her Accidental Blowjob. Although if she knew, she'd probably just smile and laugh and say, "Oh yeah! I would totally accidentally blow a guy! Probably when I was just going to shake hands or something!"

Or Accidental Blowjob! Maybe the Purple Peepee Eater?

Accidental Blowjob and Electric Bungholelube wound up having to battle Corporal Punishment as well as the Jawbreakers. Christ, even without my silly sexy codenames, this adventure I just had sounds like a porn movie. Corporal Punishment? What was she planning on doing? Putting Batman over her knee? Bane already did that! HA!

Not that Accidental Blowjob and Electric Bungholelube couldn't take care of a simpleton like Corporal Punishment themselves but I still sent Bootyspread along to help. And by "sending Bootyspread", of course I meant Bootyspread hacked into the Gotham Police Department and took control of one of their Batman Robots! We've actually begun calling Bootyspread "Operator" which doesn't really help tone down the porniness of the story.

Bootyspread might need to work on her one-liners.

Fugue spread some video of me telling everybody to meet on the bridge so he could blow it up and kill them all. Not only is he trying to blame me for his massacre, he also made me say "an historic"! Ugh! Pee-yuke! What a pretentious twat! Farts! I hope nobody remembers this and goes around thinking I talk like that!

Grumpfuck was given the task of battling Velvet Tiger and just thinking about it has me all steamy in the underpants. Now those are women! I can't imagine ever being old enough to feel like a real woman like Black Canary or Velvet Tiger! I imagine they meet a man and they take his cock in hand and they know exactly what to do with it and where to put it and when to put it there! I would be all, "Does it go in here yet? How about now? What about in here? Can it go in here first and then in here or would that be gauche and unsanitary?!" I imagine there were at least three orgasms during the battle of Grumpfuck and Velvet Tiger!

In the end, Fugue's entire plan was just to rob a bank. Well, that didn't stop my plan of kicking his ass from going on as, um, planned! Yeah!

Oh my god. I give myself such a huge boner!

Oh, and by the way, Diary, I started my own business! Well, "my own" if you forget about Luke Fox being my "partner". I hope he doesn't have any hangups about sex between coworkers! Or about coworkers masturbating on his office chair after hours while smelling the musk from the t-shirt he left in his locker in the corporate gym!