Gotham Academy #17

This is way too sexy for junior high. So I hope they're all in high school!

The Review!
Gotham Academy is one of my favorite comic books because I have a crush on most of the characters. The only problem I have with it is that it turned Serpents and Spells into just another fake DC Comics version of a real thing. In this case, it's Dungeons and Dragons. If you didn't know that then what are you doing reading crappy comic book reviews on the internet? You should be having sexual relations with other people who have never heard of Roller Playing Games! Anyway, I've decided to fix DC's mistake. I'm going to write the Maps version of Serpents and Spells. When I'm finished, it will be available as a monthly reward on my recently brought back to life Patreon!

The Commentary!
I've been reading a book called The Lore and Language of Schoolchildren and it reminded me of a rhyme I learned in elementary school that I'm guessing a bunch of people remember hearing, or at least a similar version of it. It went like this:

"Miss Suzy had a steamboat,
Her steamboat had a bell,
Miss Suzy went to heaven,
Her steamboat went to
Hello operator
Give me number nine.
If you disconnect me,
I'll kick in your
Behind the frigerator,
There was a piece of glass.
Miss Suzy sat upon it
And broke her little
Ask me no more questions,
I'll tell you no more lies.
The boys are in the bathroom
Zipping up their
Flies are in the garbage,
Bees are in the park.
Boys and girls are kissing
In the D-A-R-K dark!"

I don't know how well I remembered it here but I guess that's the point with these childhood rhymes. They're oral tradition and thus they change and mutate over time. The memes of the Internet-free childhood.

Maybe one of the kids in Gotham Academy will recite this rhyme now because isn't that how life works? It's just a random mishmash of synchronous moments that seem to mean more than they actually do?

Recently in Gotham Academy, it's just been a bunch of mini-stories about life at Gotham's strangest school. But also recently, Damian has stolen the yearbook Maps was working on that housed all of those zany stories! She knows this because Pomeline watched Damian take it and didn't lift one magic finger to stop him.

Bugsy's Icy Grasp? As in "Bigby's Icy Grasp"? I'm beginning to suspect Serpents and Spells is just a blatant rip-off of Dungeons and Dragons!

I would create the hell out a Maps-written Serpents and Spells! But only if DC were paying me. Which they should be since I would be the best choice to design that game. Can people get jobs by simply telling potential employers to trust them? Because, "Trust me, DC! I am an expert at creating Roller Playing Games!"

I have a question that isn't about giving me a job: Why are Pomeline, Olive, and Maps so adorable? Maps is the kind of "I wish I was this person" adorable. And Olive is adorable in a kind of "I have a crush on her and must stare at her throughout lunch without ever talking to her" way. And Pomeline is adorable in a kind of "I bet she fucks good" way.

The first story is about how stupid Heathcliff was because he went off with Black Canary to live out his dream of managing a band instead of staying behind to kiss Pomeline every day. What a dolt! Doesn't he know about romance?! Romantic rule #1 is to give up everything you ever cared about for somebody to love because life is terrible otherwise!

Romantic Rules are the worst for living your best life though! It's better to only love somebody who will throw away their life to be with you as you pursue your dream! That's Cynic Rule #1! It might not make people swoon when you tell them you can't kiss them anymore because you have to pursue something meaningful but they can't fault you if they're not willing to throw their life away either! Hypocrites!

Maps said cunt.

The next story is about Maps and Olive going on one of their ghost hunts. It begins in a really terrible way because Olive and Maps are talking about Serpents and Spells as if it's just the DC version of Dungeons and Dragons instead of a game Maps made up like I'm pretty sure was the original idea behind it. Even if it wasn't, it doesn't matter. I'm going to make a Serpents and Spells game and give it away as a reward for being a supporter of my Patreon which I'm resurrecting to try to rope in all of my Dwarf Lover fans (since I'm starting up Dwarf Lover again). If I don't make any extra money with that, I'm also going to have to start working extra hard on my Bible Study for Dumb Dumbs and see how much I can make selling digital books. If that doesn't pan out, I suppose I'd better learn how to make a noose and figure out which one of the rafters in the attic can support my weight!

That was an inappropriate joke about suicide! I would never actually kill myself because I'm totally in love with myself. Of course, if I ever catch me cheating on myself, I might do it in a fit of passion.

In this story, Maps and Olive encounter Teekl which makes it about the best story ever and fifty bajillion times better than Nocenti's attempt at writing Klarion. Especially since Ann Nocenti thought it would a good idea to keep Teekl dead in a jar. What a dope!

The final story is about the coolest group of kids to ever pitch a twenty-sided die at Gotham Academy: The Gilkey Warlocks! They're just the kind of cool kids I would have hung around in junior high if I wanted people to believe I didn't actually hang around with these kinds of kids in junior high which I did. I once played Dungeons and Dragons in the cafeteria with Ted Balman as the dungeon master and John Bailey and Chris Beal. You know, the cool kids! Right?

The Gilkey Warlocks disappeared because they played that Satanic game and Maps knows where they were last seen! It's a secret room which she wrote about in the year book Damian stole so she thought maybe he'd be there. And he was! And still is! It's just Maps and Olive won't notice him until next issue.