DC Universe Presents #15: Black Lightning & Blue Devil

Guest starring an army of Skrulls!

I'm enjoying DC Universe Presents but it really should cut down the length of the stories to one or two issues. They should raise the price of the comic by fifty cents and flesh it out with four more pages. For me, the draw of this type of comic book is seeing who gets spotlighted every month. After two issues, I feel like I saw enough of the worlds of Black Lightning and Blue Devil and I'm ready to move on. Although Blue Devil could already have a successful monthly comic book after the B-Movie Studio humiliating magical artifacts plot idea. That was simply marvelous.

This issue begins with, I believe, Black Lightning trying on Blue Devil's demon skin.

It's probably a little tight in some places. Oh, you know what places I'm talking about!

Elsewhere in town, Tobias Whale has a new drug on the street that turns the user into an unholy monster from the pits of Hell. Overdosing on the stuff is okay unless your friends panic and rush you into a church until help arrives.

I've never once had a medical emergency where I said, "Quick! Get this man to a church!" Although I did once help a kid that landed a bicycle jump on his face into a school. Nobody exploded.

Back to the main attraction, Daniel Cassidy and Jeff Pierce have taken to getting coffee together. Cassidy wants to team up as Delightning to take down Tobias Whale and get his demon drugs off of the street. But Pierce has yet to lose a family member to the bad guy, so he's not sure he wants to hang out with a guy that wears the skin of a demon. It just seems like a bad idea. But since Jefferson Pierce's dad is an investigative journalist and he's planning on meeting Tobias Whale (or Nebiros (or one of their underlings)) later that night for a scoop, I have a feeling Pierce might soon have the motivation to tackle the Whale. Should I have said harpoon there?

Pierce's dad won't let him tag along for backup, so Pierce decides to go after the big fat white Whale with Blue Devil.

Blue Devil has no qualms about eviscerating the so-called bad guys. Perhaps when they look like zombies, there's an unspoken super hero agreement that it's okay to kill them.

Black Lightning refuses to zap these guys with too much power because he doesn't want to kill anyone. But Blue Devil, having a sense of magic and mumbo jumbo, tells Black Lightning that they're already dead, so it's okay this time.

While Delightning is mopping up the back alleys with zombie brains and zombie gizzards, Black Lightning's father is walking into a trap. Just like a clueless father slash journalist to screw up everything. Dammit. I probably shouldn't have typed that last sentence. Now people looking for fiction about fathers ass-fucking journalists are going to find this site and be thoroughly confused. Sorry, gay father/journalist porn lovers! As they say in the colloquial, "My error!"

Clever, fat man. Clever. Now I'm picturing another level of reality where someone is reading the comic book of me reading this comic book and typing, "Clever, fat man. Clever." And that person is saying, "Nice one, asshole." It's a pan-dimensional waterfall of witty retorts!

Blue Devil and Black Lightning find the Whale and Nebiros because Blue Devil can sense Nebiros. And that wasn't Black Lightning trying on Blue Devil's skin on the opening page. That was Nebiros getting his skin back after Etrigan tore it from his body "long, long ago." And he was screaming because Cassidy's penis must be severely misshapen.

Maybe Cassidy just infected the skin with the Herpes Virus.

The confrontation between naked Cassidy and Nebiros covered in his shredded old skin will have to conclude next issue. As will the fight between Black Lightning and Tobias Whale. Black Lightning zaps Whale so he can save his father but it seems Black Lightning doesn't hit the Whale with enough juice to put him down because he's got so much insulating material.

And that's what Black Lightning gets for refusing to kill people!

Be with us next time for "The Blue Devil in the Nude Mess," or "The Naked and the Dead."

DC Universe Presents #15: Black Lightning & Blue Devil Rating: No change. I'm less excited about the ending of this story than I am about who will be portrayed in issue #17! And all you solicits readers can just bite your motherfucking tongues, ya hear?! I don't want the surprise spoiled! I like finding out when I have the issue in my hands. I'm old fashioned!

Nightwing #15

I wish DC would publish one of these Death in the Family comics with the other side of this mask. Don't make me have to put in the work myself!

Last issue, Lady Shiva's plans were foiled and she was driven from Gotham City with a threat that she wasn't done with Nighwing. But more importantly, Tom DeFalco finished up his guest spot and got the hell out of here before doing too much damage. Luckily, there was no threat from DeFalco about returning to screw up Nightwing and continue to write him dumber than he actually is.

Nightwing also promised the trapeze artist's little girl that her Haly's Circus family would be safe taking up residence in Gotham. I think Batman and Nightwing like to make a lot of promises that they have no possibility of being able to keep. At least Damian doesn't have that character flaw.

The first to fall: Jimmy the clown.

Having The Joker begin by taking out Jimmy the Clown makes sense since even Jimmy knew his stupid clown costume looked way too much like The Joker. He probably should have changed a few things up when he realized they were going to make their home in Gotham City. Instead, he ended up on all of the posters for Amusement Mile in his full purple Joker outfit. And now he's paid the price. It is a bit surprising though in that Jimmy was Dick Grayson's right-hand man in Haly's. If Nightwing can't keep the rest of Haly's safe, the circus will probably be pulling up stakes and leaving town for good. With the Court of Owls in the toilet, why would Haly's ever need to return to Gotham?

Maybe not as funny as the dead robin puppet show in Batman and Robin but it's a good start to this appearance.

While trying to get the rest of Haly's Circus out of town before The Joker can kill them all (because Dick is convinced that The Joker knows his identity), Sonia Branch calls up Dick late at night to come over and sign some papers. Because Tom DeFalco isn't writing this issue, Dick doesn't Narration Box his inner turmoil about whether Sonia is coming on to him by proposing a business deal at her apartment late in the evening while wearing only her underwear and serving ecstasy and wine. He just goes over to sign the documents because that's what she needs him to do. And then he gets lucky.

"This is a weird business deal. Maybe she likes me? Perhaps this is how she ends contract negotiations. Should I touch her boob? If this is business, I probably shouldn't touch her boob. But I could probably touch her butt."

All Dick Grayson can think about while he's pressed against this hot, firm piece of flesh is her dad and his dead parents. He might have some intimacy issues bordering on Oedipal Necrophilia and a Misplaced Homosexual Electra Complex. My degree is in Literature so I'm pretty sure those are actual psychological conditions.

Just as things with Sonia were getting good and a bit weird, Dick's phone lets him know his chemical analysis of his dead clown friend is ready. Since things with Sonia were getting sexy yet complicated, Dick is glad for the interruption and runs away to put on a costume and play detective so he can save his amusement park. What the fuck am I reading?

Dick Grayson's analysis leads him to an out-of-business corporation that stole the formula for its jet fuel from Wayne Industries. It was also a knockoff. At this point, I think Nightwing should feel insulted. I think The Joker is trying to tell him something. And then The Joker just comes right out and calls Nightwing a "bat-fake." The Joker isn't really into subtlety when smashing a pie into someone's face after he poisoned them three days previously will do.

But The Joker is only in this for the insults tonight. He has someone else to fight his battle for him. His own little Nightwing knock-off.

I wonder if Barbara would still be jealous?

Nightwing says "Raya" when he sees her because he's just like Batman and is careless about his identity. I know Nightwing believes The Joker already knows who he is but this doesn't prove anything. Perhaps he broke her out to turn her into Knockoff Nightwing because she has the gymnastic skills to compete against him? Plus her ties to Haly's Circus and Jimmy the Knockoff Joker make her an excellent choice for his attack on Nightwing.

Or The Joker knows everything! I'm starting to come around to the theory that The Joker does know all of their identities. The main reason I had a problem with it was that The Joker couldn't be allowed to live if he knew them all. And Batman wouldn't kill The Joker, so what would they do with him? But with all of the Bat-family suddenly threatening The Joker's life and jumping on Jason Todd's The Joker should die bandwagon, I began to think that maybe The Joker is driving all of this chaos so that Batman is finally forced to kill him. If that's the case, then The Joker knowing their identities means The Joker will die at Batman's hands. If Batman does kill The Joker, it'll be to prevent one of the other members of the Bat Family from doing it. Another shoot your own dog moment. Talk about a nice Reboot move.

I can't wrap my mind around DC actually pulling the trigger on that though. How would that affect Batman's relationship with Damian if Damian sees that even Batman will kill when absolutely necessary. How will it affect Grant Morrison's Batman, Incorporated comic book where it seems that Damian killing The Joker leads to a twisted version of Gotham City that the United States Government ends up nuking? Okay, I can see why Batman would kill The Joker to prevent Damian from killing him and causing that scenario to happen. So that absolutely works with that title.

Back to Nightwing, he cures Raya but only so that she doesn't die with a horribly twisted clown face. And then he finds an invitation to a party from The Joker in one of three places The Joker knew he would find it:

The Joker is really spreading himself thin. He's got a party at Arkham, a party at Amusement Mile, and a wedding with Babs to get to. And he still hasn't fucked with Tim Drake or Jason Todd!

Nightwing #15 Rating: +1 Ranking simply because Jimmy the Clown and Raya were both killed. Two big supporting characters in one comic? Nice kill count, The Joker!

Blue Beetle #15

Is Jamie Reyes going to get a bullet in his head too?

Young teenage super hero stud-nugget Jamie Reyes (unless his name is spelled differently. What the fuck do I care? It's not as easy to remember as Ted Kord. Do you remember that name? TED FUCKING KORD?! (Hey! Ted Kord rhymes with Max Lord!)) had recently found himself with less than stellar Spanish grades while spanning stellar grades far from home. The real draw of the comic, Brenda, wasn't even in the last issue which was a real disappointment for everybody, me especially. But Blue Beetle was on his way home with Sky Wanker hanging on the outside of the ship, so Brenda was sure to make an appearance soon.

Oh look! Here she is! Kind of. Where are the freckles? Sorry Scott McDaniel but Ig Guara's Brenda was much cuter. Although this one will do in a pinche.

Across the universe, Blue Beetle has just escaped Scarabworld, my favorite looking world in the entire DCnU which has just exploded. Now I need a new favorite world.

Speaking of new worlds, Jaime and his new friend, Moon Runner, land on one of Lady Styx's worlds on their way to Earth. Moon Runner's ship needs some modifications to make it that far and Jaime probably needs to have a battle with Lady Styx. Also, Sky Wanker's wrists need a break since he's been hanging on to the outside of Moon Runner's ship for two warp jumps now! I think that's a long time!

Inadvertent boners. Fornication via shaking hands. Sniffing farts for security clearance. Aztec alien lemon parties. Why isn't this comic book Teen Plus?

Moon Runner turns out to be some local criminal with a price on his head which causes a little bit of trouble. But not much since Jaime just flashes his Blue Beetle face and everyone pisses whatever article of clothing houses their alien genitalia. Unless aliens don't pee out of their reproductive organs in the weird way that humans do. Intelligent design through efficiency of space or disgusting mix-up on the Creator's part?

God: "Let's see. The most valuable thing my male creation produces shall emerge from this dangly bit I forgot to smooth off my clay model here between the legs. It shall be the seed from which all life shall spring! Also, let's just run waste water out of that thing too."

Although let me end the Intelligent Design argument right now. Nobody fucking designed man. Man was made in God's image. God is eternal. Therefore God did not design man. The design was always and is always. So, you know, tonsils and gall bladders and the most inefficient nails of any creature on the planet were all things that just existed forever and nobody designed them. Also the ability to digest food and breathe oxygen were things that always existed since mankind was made in God's image and he is eternal. Unless we're supposed to believe that God is just a shell and just the aesthetic of man is based on God's image. Also, since God has no reason to reproduce, Man can't be totally in God's image because why would God have a penis? Or a vagina? Or both? And why boobs? How did he come up with those? So kids, remember: evolution! If you don't believe in it, you just don't have the proper imagination to see how accurately it explains everything. You can also substitute "intelligence" for "imagination" but I didn't feel like pulling any punches. Yes, I believe imagination is greater than intelligence.

While Blue Beetle and Moon Runner are searching for a Faster Than Light Drive for the ship, Lady Styx is demanding Blue Beetle sign up for her favorite reality show, "The Hunted."

Seriously. She wants him for a reality show.

Moon Runner has betrayed Blue Beetle and led Lady Styx's Ebon Guard right to him. But they're not the only ones after Blue Beetle. Sky Wanker is still trying to merge with Blue Beetle's magic space scarab.

And now erotic cannibalization?

Lady Styx's Ebon Guard blast Sky Wanker out of a window and rescue Blue Beetle so he'll be unharmed when he makes his debut in "The Hunted!" next issue. Sky Wanker will just have to bide his time and return to infiltrate Blue Beetle's armored orifices when Blue Beetle gets a gig in a new monthly title. Possibly Red Hood and the Outlaws!

Blue Beetle #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Scott McDaniel did a fine job with the art in this issue. It was cartoony in much the same way Ig Guara's art was which really fits this comic well. The only problem was he left the freckles off of Brenda and he didn't even attempt to draw one panel highlighting her ass. I laughed a couple of times this issue which is par for the course with Blue Beetle. It's one of the few fun and funny comics in The New 52 and I'll be really disappointed to see it go.

The Ravagers #7

Too bad this is only a vision.

Seeing the phrase "The End" on the front of both The Ravagers and Blue Beetle this month got me thinking about how close The Ravagers actually are to being cancelled. This got me to check out total sales on The New 52 for November to see how closely the popularity of a title matched up to the overall ranking I've given the titles based on how well written they are. The sales figures for November are a bit skewed since a number of titles sold better than they normally do because of crossovers such as The Third Army and Death of the Family. Surprisingly, my rankings matched up exactly with the sales numbers of five titles: Batman, Red Lanterns, Swamp Thing, The Flash, and Grifter. Not surprising was how far off I was with a number of books. I have Demon Knights ranked at #4 and sales ranks it at #42. Red Hood and the Teen Titans have sales figures putting them in the mid-twenties while I have them ranked in the mid-forties. Detective Comics and The Dark Knight which have been horrible up until have sales figures putting them in the top ten while I have them ranked at 34 and 45 respectively. These aren't surprising due to the popularity of the characters heading the titles. Jason Todd and Tim Drake have huge fandoms that are sticking with these books even though they're written so poorly while Etrigan can't quite grab an audience's attention even though his book looks gorgeous and is thoroughly entertaining. For fuck's sake, The Ravagers have better sales numbers than Stormwatch! I am so fucking ashamed of comic book readers right now.

Oh, as for The Ravagers? I have them ranked at 42 (probably higher than they should be!) and sales ranks them at 38. That's pretty consistent. At the bottom of the sales ranks and my rankings are the ones you'd expect: Deathstroke, Hawkman, Grifter, Legion Lost. If it weren't for the popularity of some of these characters (like Batman!), I'd expect sales to be a lot closer to my rankings. About half of them are pretty damn close.

Now that I've wasted as much time as I could ignoring reading The Ravagers, it's probably time to waste time figuring out more ways to waste time instead of reading The Ravagers! Call of Duty would kill a few hours. Masturbating wouldn't kill that much time but I'd probably take a nap afterward. I could read an actual book or maybe I could do more Bible Study. Or maybe I could just get this over with.

Instantly I'm lost amid the ellipses and half-finished sentences, the missing spaces and missing commas, the extra commas and double dashes. I'm in the mind of Howard Mackie. It feels like being stuck in the birth canal. Something is happening but not quickly enough. I'm struggling, choking, fighting for life. Is there meaning in anything we do? Is the struggle worth it? Should I just...put in random punctu--ation whenever I feel I...need to breathe?--?...!

The girl that The Ravagers were sent to save hides behind a tree watching The Ravagers battle Rose Wilson and Warblade. She's Narration Boxing a letter to her mother about how she's seen so many visions of the future that she can't be sure what future is about to go down. Wow. What a terrible predicament to be in.

How many punctuation errors can you find?

The title of this issue is "Ghosts of Future Present." Most people reading this comic book will read the title and move on without thinking much about it. Maybe they'll say it in a cinematic way but just keep going. But I want you to read it again.

The meaninglessness of our existent stares back from this title. Drink deep of the despair.

The enormity of time crashes through you. Your ego disappears into the vastness of infinite space.

Paralyzed by decisions that don't matter. Extant for a universal second.

Nothing. Everything. All of it here. All of it gone.

Back to the twenty page distraction from the inevitability of the eternal grave, Caitlin Fairchild gets knocked into the tree where Future Present Girl has been hiding. She not only has the power to imagine how the future might possibly turn out, she also has the power to make other people think about how the future might possibly turn out. Maybe her super hero name is Devil's Advocate or Que Sarah or The Ellipsis.

Her task now is to show Caitlin Fairchild what might possibly happen if things go a certain way for some certain reason. And whatever that thing is that causes this future to happen, please do it because Superboy is killed almost instantly!

The double period...burning into my brain...destroying my memories--first kiss, gone; grandfather's voice, gone; the best fish stick I ever ate, gone--destroying everything that makes me...me?

Harvest wants Future Girl (Maybe her name isn't Que Sarah at all? Perhaps it's Que Sandra! (it hurts my soul to think that joke is being wasted on fans of The Ravagers)) so that she can help guide him in his plans. You know what? That's even stupider than all of this random punctuation. Harvest's plans never go wrong and he's from the future! So why does he need a girl who sees so many futures she doesn't know which one is going to come true to guide him? He wants the future that he came from. So having a girl tell him about fifteen different possible futures isn't going to help him any because the only one he wants to happen is the one that will cause Tim Drake to be bitten by a vampiric scythe so he can name himself Harvest and take over all space and time! Or just come back to the past to ensure that he exists in the future. Man, that's stupid, isn't it?

In Caitlin's vision, The Ravagers take over the world and none of it would have been possible without Future Girl. And somehow Rose says that Caulder and Caitlin delivered her to Harvest although Rose and Warblade and Windshear and Brighteyes already knew where she was and were going after her. So that's more stupidity.

Wow. What a terrifically useless power. "Here are 153 possible versions of the future! One of them is true!"

Caitlin then asks Que Sandra, "What you showed me was real?" And Que Sandra replies, "Maybe...things can change...choices made...I don't know how to control the power...how to tell." She's so powerful! She can speculate on the future but can't know what it'll be! I wish I had her amazing talents! Que Sandra then has another insight for Caitlin.

OH FUCK YOU, LISA! Caitlin has been helping them! That's all that she has been doing. That's what she was going to do all along. And telling someone that "THIS POINT" determines the path they will take is FUCKING OBVIOUS! Every point determines every point past that point, you stupid fucking piece of fucking fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCKKKK!

Here's an interlude to allow me to regain my sanity. It is the conversation between myself and Doom Bunny that we were having on Instant Messenger as I read this comic. Some of it will repeat. But I need to go outside for a breath of fresh air.

Me: "Ugh! This new person the Ravagers have met has the dumbest power. She sees all the different things that might happen in the future and one of them always comes true but she doesn't know which!"
Me: "Fuck you! We all have that power! It's called 'SPECULATION!'"
Doom Bunny: "lol"
Doom Bunny: "I see two futures for me: one where I win the lottery on Saturday, and one where I don't! One of those is sure to come true!"
Me: "That moment will determine the path your life will take! After, um, that moment! It's good you can see the possible futures in store!"
Doom Bunny: "I guess that power could come in handy if there is something in the future that came so out of left field that you couldn't speculate about it. Like if I suddenly saw the possibility of being hit by a bus tomorrow! Of course then I might stay home for no reason."
Me: "Except she sees that future alongside 250 other possible futures. More! 250,000,000!"
Doom Bunny: "Oh jeez. So I could be hit by any number of things! Or not at all! What the hell good is that? I know that already!"
Me: "I know! WORST. POWER. EVER. She has the power to WORRY!"

Okay, I'm back and so is Caitlin. She sees the events unfolding exactly like the vision she was shown by Future Girl! Except they're a little bit different for some reason. Everything is the same except Ridge and Superboy don't get stabbed. But they say all the same things! Maybe it's because she didn't run away with Lisa. Instead she stayed to observe.

By staying to help, Caitlin manages to convince Terra to actually fight back. Terra flips the fuck out and begins smashing everything to bits in a big scary display that doesn't actually do anything except vandalize the surrounding properties and throw Caitlin to the ground. Oh, it also excites Rose in a way she hasn't been excited since she and Timber Wolf met in The Culling.

Maybe it was Timber Wolf that wanted to dance with Rose? Whover it was, the dance never happened because Timber Wolf smelled Kid Flash.

Terra knocks out Rose and Warblade and then kills Warblade even though everyone else tries to stop her. Hey! I'm beginning to suspect this is another future possibility! I hope The Ravagers simply goes on for another 300 issues stuck in this moment as Fairchild experiences all of the possible futures that can spring from "THIS POINT!"

Oh my God! Terra is capable of murder in the Reboot! That's so different!

Warblade is okay though because he can morph his body. He also says something that isn't so stupid because everything else in the comic is stupider: "Ravagers die if and when Harvest says we die." Then there's a big whooshing noise and Warblade and Rose are gone and Future Girl is freaking out. The vision she showed Caitlin earlier was the "worst thing that could happen." But now Caitlin did "something terrible...something that might be too late to stop...worse than what [they] saw before...." So no matter how terrible I thought her power was before, she has just proven that it's even worse than that. She then runs into away, hopefully never to be heard from again.

Later they return to Los Angeles (although Caitlin and Ridge actually get transported to Arizona when they chase after Jocelyn and Superboy. I don't know why the rest don't follow since they're here. Unless they end up back in New York later and then go to Arizona? Fuck this is confusing!) where Caitlin informs Niles that The Ravagers are dangerous. Niles says, "Oh my God! Good thing we have emergency measures to keep them in check!" And Superboy goes, "Wait. What? Me!?" And then the final surprise page!

After seeing Rose Wilson here, I'm 98% positive she's the native girl from the Eclipso Island in Team 7 #3.

The Ravagers #7 Rating: -5 Ranking. This was literally the stupidest fucking story in the history of literature. I'm not exaggerating at all! See? I used literally!

The Phantom Stranger #3

The original Doctor Thirteen did.

Last issue ended with The Phantom Stranger being strung up in a noose by The Haunted Highwayman. Of course this can't happen without The Phantom Stranger having a stray thought or two about how this was how he first died.

This panel gives me hope for this series.

In my mind, this story about The Phantom Stranger paying for the crime of betraying Jesus Christ by doing God's work has been bullshit from issue one. But this scene! Ah, this scene! It makes it all so much better! Judas hangs himself because he's completely guilt-ridden over what he has done. He believes he's done something so horrible that he can never be forgiven and in his crazed and desperate state, he kills himself. It is the only sign of repentance he can think of that can equal the staggering evil of his crime against the world. And so, he dies hanging from his tree.

And then this panel. Perhaps (and, of course, most likely) I'm painting it with my own bias and beliefs. But Judas says here that after he died, he did not deliver his "act of contrition." Perhaps he simply means he wasn't given the chance to deliver it to the steps of heaven because he wasn't allowed to completely die. But I prefer to read this another way. Perhaps he realized, when he looked upon the face of God, the truth of what had just happened and refused to feel guilty anymore. He takes back his act of contrition when he realizes he was used by Jesus and God to fulfill the events that needed to happen for Jesus's word to spread across the globe. And in his sudden refusal to feel bad about killing Jesus, God becomes exceedingly wrathful. Look at God's face in this panel. Doesn't he look angry? And that anger at Judas's refusal to be sorry is why he punished The Phantom Stranger to walk the Earth for all time. God wants The Phantom Stranger to repent not of the act of killing Christ but the act of not being sorry for it.

That's what I choose to believe this story is about. This also makes The Phantom Stranger a much more interesting and sympathetic character. It sets up a great story underneath the story of The Stranger doing The Font in the Sky's will where The Stranger is seeking a way to rebel and pervert his mission. The story then becomes not about The Phantom Stranger's redemption but his revenge and escape from the bonds of unjust punishment.

But getting back to the more mundane comic book action part of his comic book, The Haunted Highwayman becomes frustrated that his burning hangman's noose has no effect on The Phantom Stranger. He tries to choke The Phantom Stranger but is burned by The Stranger's cloak which is full of Jesus dander. Most evil is, of course, extremely allergic to Jesus.

"It's seersucker! Because, um, you know? It seers suckers? No? Fine, it's aba, okay? Jesus Christ, lighten up, Mr. Highwayman."

Luckily the Haunted Highwayman is a complete and utter idiot. Dawn is approaching and so he must head back to his "unholy resting place" (Motel Six). He hasn't been battling The Phantom Stranger for hours so it can only mean that he attacked Terrence Thirteen about fifteen minutes before he had to leave. That's pretty stupid in my book. Perhaps The Haunted Highwayman only just found him this night and figured this would be a quick and easy job. That's a slim possibility that I'm not willing to give any actual credence to because I'd rather believe The Haunted Highwayman is incompetent.

The Phantom Stranger is released from the noose as the Highwayman flees. And just in time, as The Stranger feels himself about to lose consciousness. I can't imagine he could have been killed so easily since The Font in the Sky probably isn't going to let him out of his job so easily. As The Stranger tries to catch his breath, he begins to hallucinate.

I guess The Font in the Sky can also manifest as a Scottish Terrier doing a Shrek impersonation.

This young Terrence Thirteen tells The Phantom Stranger his family's history and connection to The Haunted Highwayman. That whole story can be read in All Star Western #11 and #12. The editor's note that reminded me in which issues that story took place called the comic "All-Star Western." With the dash, see? That's wrong, you stupid jackass! Even in the simplest of moments, DC's editors can't get anything right. Who Edits the Editors?! Man, now I feel like Rorschach.

Anyway, this young Thirteen says the original Terrence Thirteen eventually encountered the vengeful spirit of The Haunted Highwayman and defeated it. Come now! More on that story! That's not the meat of the story now, is it? The real meat of that story is that the original Dr. Thirteen didn't believe in the paranormal and spent his life debunking it. So what happened when he actually encountered and defeated an actual ghost? Or demon? Or unholy man on horseback, anyway? It sounds like one of those stories that some hack writer came up with years later that just fucking ruins everything about this character. Sort of like when Scooby Doo began dealing with real ghosts. That just fucked up the whole point of the show! The show was about logic triumphing over superstition and kids sorting through the bullshit and nonsense showered on them every day by adults. So if Dr. Thirteen finally did meet a paranormal creature, that means his entire life up to that point was based merely on luck that each of his cases didn't happen to be evil or demonic or undead or godly or supernatural! So the real story is: How did the fucking Doctor react to this knowledge that his entire life was based on his logical and rational yet seemingly incorrect assumptions?

The Phantom Stranger realizes this is a matter between Terrence Thirteen's descendants and The Haunted Highwayman and therefore none of his business. Like the supreme douchebag he is, The Phantom Stranger tells Thirteen to deal with it himself. He has more important matters to attend to. But I'm pretty sure The Haunted Highwayman isn't going to leave The Phantom Stranger alone. If he held a grudge so badly against one man that he came back to life as a flaming demon (and got his horse to come back as well!) so that he could kill every single member of that man's bloodline, he isn't going to let The Phantom Stranger off the hook when he burned him with his cloak full of Jesus germs.

Later, The Phantom Stranger as Phil goes to a party with his wife so he can enjoy some human drama for a change. Philip's neighbor Henry is going to Thailand for six months to build condos and is upset at having to leave his family for so long. The conversation they have is a nice scene that makes me like The Phantom Stranger a little bit more while despising his neighbor for his wretched normality.

Henry's problem and Philip's solution.

Henry begins the conversation with a flawed premise that probably brings more despair than joy to people in the world. Nobody is here for a reason. A few people who believe that will stumble into positions and opportunities in their lives that make that seem true, therefore they'll believe it wholeheartedly about everyone. "If I could find my purpose, everyone can!" Some people will live the life they want to live and find purpose somewhere in that, thus making it seem true as well. "My children are my purpose." But many people will live their entire lives feeling that they never quite lived to their potential or discovered the thing they were put on Earth to do. Because there isn't one. Whatever you choose to fucking do is the only purpose you need. There isn't any overarching meaning to your random placement in space and time. You're here on Earth because the Earth happens to be in the perfect place in space to support life and happens to be in a solar system with a moon and some gas giants that have probably protected the Earth for enough time for complex life to evolve. Henry, you are right about one thing: the entirety of the universe did not spring up so that you coud "build condos in Thailand." But it also didn't spring up simply so you could "spend time with your family."

The Stranger's response, on the other hand, is perfect. If you don't want to do something, don't fucking do it.

Henry's argument against going and Philip's response.

Now Henry laments the trap he's in. Life has conspired against him. He can't do the thing he most wants to do. The trap he's in is believing that the past is accumulated stuff that you have to weigh against future choices. To Henry, not going means losing all the time he's spent at his current job. But that time doesn't exist anymore. That time is not a real thing. The only thing he's losing by going is his future time which he'd rather spend with his family. That actually exists. Forget the past because it's garbage. It's gone. It is not a thing to put on a shelf and cherish. If you want to stay, stay.

Philip's response, once again, I agree with completely. People love to put up pretend barriers which force them into doing things they'd rather not do. But this is your life. It is not your employer's life. It is not your debt's life. It is not your parents' life. It is not society's life. It's yours. This doesn't mean there won't be obstacles in the way of the goals you want to achieve. Making a choice doesn't mean it will work out for you. Happiness and success aren't guaranteed. And many times there may be real and very serious dangers and impediments to the life you want to live. Making those choices that put your life in danger take even more strength than most people have (including me, probably! I'm no fucking Gandhi!). But this conversation is not anywhere close to that. This is pretending that other things are keeping Henry from making the choices to try and live for the life he desires and it's simply a sad delusion.

Henry's real motivation and why the entire conversation was just masturbatory bullshit anyway.

And then the real reason I eventually found myself disgusted with Henry. Not that he wants the money. Six figures for six months sounds like a great opportunity to set himself to do the things he wants to with his family for a long time. What disgusts me is his need to rationalize the decision to leave his family for six months simply for money. "It's other people that made this choice!" He's not asking Philip for any actual help with this decision. It's already been made. But he needs someone to bear witness to his agony over the decision to leave his family. The need to expunge his guilt. And it's a guilt that he doesn't even need to have! Henry. Do what you need to do already and shut up about it.

My problem with Henry's attitude here doesn't mean I have a problem with this scene! I think this is a great moment (as you can probably tell by my going on at length about it) since The Phantom Stranger understands guilt. He gets guilt. And this scene isn't about Henry's problem anyway. It's all metaphor for The Stranger's past. The Stranger probably just wants to say, "Henry, I understand how guilty you feel leaving your family for six months to earn six figures. I killed Christ for 30 pieces of silver. Our problems are nearly identical. You blame your work for forcing you to go. I blame this guy Pontius and Rome and the Pharisees for putting me in the position they put me in. I get it, man. I truly do." And so Phil's answers to Henry's problems are also things he might have said to himself back in Gethsemane.

Philip's good time and self-reflection are interrupted by a call from Terrence Thirteen. The Phantom Stranger packs it in and heads off to help Thirteen. Actually, he heads off to yell at Thirteen face to face but he obviously knows if he's there in person that he's going to have to end up saving Thirteen. It feels a little bit like saving face. "I didn't really want to be forced to help you but since I'm here yelling at you as the big flaming asshole arrives, I guess I can save your life."

But even now, The Phantom Stranger refuses to take part. Since it is a family matter, The Stranger decides that family should deal with it (he got this insight from Henry saying that they were practically family! It's like an episode of House!).

Does this mean Dr. Thirteen doesn't believe in himself? Shouldn't he disappear in a puff of logic?

Sorry! I made the assumption this was all paranormal! Obviously there is a rational and scientific answer behind it all! If only I were as smart as Mister Terrific so I could figure it out.

After the problem is solved and The Haunted Highwayman banished to whatever scientifically rational and logical place exists that is kind of like Hell, Terrence Thirteen tries to become The Phantom Stranger's sidekick. But The Stranger destroys Thirteen's lab and tells him to go fuck himself. I think that's almost exactly how Batman reacted to Tim Drake's request to be the next Robin, so Thirteen might be getting a sidekick gig in the near future!

The Phantom Stranger #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm not a fan of the art although the style seems to fit this comic book, so I can live with it. But the story, so far, is well-crafted and doesn't seem to be using the Judas identity as simply a hook. DiDio is weaving it into the motivations of the Stranger and the fabric of the story, and that's really nice to see. I'm looking forward to more of this even though I know it can all go way off track very, very quickly!

Demon Knights #15

I want to see the vagina he's coming out of!

When we last saw our intrepid heroes, they were intrepiding all over Avalon. They had found themselves in the middle of a gigantic battle between Avalon's Defenders, Lucifer's Legions, and Mordru's Bandits. I think Etrigan and Jason Blood might be able to co-exist in this Avalon scenario but I'm probably wrong although I rarely am and I just ignore it when I am and pretending it never happened.

Ha ha! In your face, Doubty McDoubters! Bonus: this is my best photoshop yet.

Boy, this is going to be exciting! Dinosaurs versus Demons! It's like some fifteen year old kid in 1980 just received the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual for Christmas and created an adventure to use all of the dinosaurs and devils contained within it! And as he wrote up his new adventure, he cackled madly to himself. "I'll show thoshe guysh! They think they can besht me, do they? Thish'll be the mosht deadly adventure ever created!"

As the battle begins, the Companions escape via a levitation spell and the fifteen year old Dungeon Master cried, "NO! They shall not eshcape sho eashily!" Etrigan flies off to bow before Lucifer. It looks like Etrigan actually was just trying to get into his good graces. But when Lucifer believes Etrigan was trying to double cross him, Etrigan finally begins to wonder why he's always trying to please somebody else. A few Al-Anon meetings should help him understand his need to please. I wonder if Avalon has any Al-Anon meetings and if al-Jabr will be going or not?

Even though he's dead (come on! Nobody believes that!), Merlin summons King Arthur to turn the tide of battle in favor of Avalon.

Oh Vandal. What historians would know of this unless you told them? So just fucking lie about it.

Merlin finally recovers from his case of death and calls for water. What he really wants is a storm but he's still a bit groggy from the lingering effects of being a corpse. al-Jabr fires some kind of projectile into the skies of Avalon and creates a storm. His scientific abilities amaze the Horsewoman which causes her to say something that threatens to send al-Jabr into a spiral of existential depression.

That's good advice. To have a successful, happy life, one must spend about 89% of it in denial.

And then it's time for something completely different.

Monty Python's Flying Circus!

Actually, it's Etrigan! Also, it's a new Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea header as well!

But it's too soon to change. I'll have to save this one for later. I like it a lot though!

While Lucifer and Mordru and The Questing Queen are being stalled by King Arthur chopping off limbs and bragging about Stormwatch and the Shadow Lords, Etrigan is able to get free and begin harassing Merlin and the Companions. He comes up with the old, "This was my plan the entire time!" bullshit that villains come up with when their plan actually falls apart.

Jason Blood gets the satisfaction of punching Etrigan in the face about once every 500 years or so.

The storm that Merlin brings forth causes everyone in the battle to be cleansed of enchantments by the waters of Avalon. Mordru and the Questing Queen retreat before Mordru loses his power. And Lucifer has one last conversation with King Arthur before packing up and heading home.

I'm pretty sure keeping the hand of Satan around isn't such a good idea.

Once all the combatants have left the field, Merlin ages again. Or de-ages. Using his powers, he maintains one look for as long as he can before the power catches up to him and he jumps to a much younger age. This time, he becomes "New Adam." He has King Arthur knight the Companions for the next step in their journey.

I love that the current Stormwatch has corresponding positions as this first group. Except maybe a Jack Hawksmoor and a Jenny.

Adam returns the companions to reality where they discuss what to do next. None of them take Adam's words seriously and they're all ready to split up. Jason and Xanadu head off to spend some time together. Vandal Savage and al-Jabr head back to Alba Sarum for rewards, answers, and lesbian princesses. Exoristos, guilt-ridden, reveals what Lucifer had her bring to Earth's surface: a Black Diamond. The Shining Knight offers to travel with Exoristos to look after the Diamond and make sure Lucifer's plan for it never comes about. Which leaves the Horsewoman.

And that's a wrap!

Demon Knights #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Fifteen issues of a tightly written, beautifully drawn story with barely a misstep. The Stormwatch tie-ins were well done and the fact that this initial story line was truly the origin of Stormwatch was a nice touch. Also the casual origin of Eclipso's Black Diamond was simply perfect. And the idea that these Companions won't meet up again for thirty years a wonderful lead in to the next issue. I don't know how much editorial influence was placed on Paul Cornell to weave any of these things into his story or how much of the Demon Knights and Stormwatch tie-in was simply his idea. Whatever the case, he wove these threads into this story so seamlessly that you'd never know he wasn't creating this series in a vacuum. This is an excellent example of writing within the confines of The New 52. Superb job on all fronts, creative team.

Legion Lost #15

I have no idea what is going on in this picture because boobs.

This issue might be Wildfire's last appearance ever in The New 52 but I have a feeling he's going to be overshadowed by Dawnstar's Boobs. Literally! I guess I'm being insensitive since Dawnstar and Wildfire have been in a long, loving relationship. Although Dawnstar has been showing interest in Timber Wolf because penis.

But none of that relationship stuff is important right now! The fate of everyone in the one timeline that Nathaniel Adym cares about (his own!) is about to be destroyed by The Cosmic Butcher! What I want to see is someone from the future of the timeline where Nathaniel Adym is killed come back in time to save his timeline by making sure Nathaniel Adym dies! And then someone else from the future will show up because her timeline is in jeopardy and can only be saved if the guy who wants Nathaniel Adym dead is successful and then has sex with her so she can have a child in the past that will rise up against the evil Japanese toilet overlords of her future. Seriously, Nathaniel Adym, stop being so selfish! If there can only be one timeline, why are you so insistent that it's yours? It obviously will be yours no matter what you do since you're here. Except Tom DeFalco doesn't understand anything that doesn't come in a Pop Tarts Box.

Is anyone surprised at the way this comic began?

At least he's using an omniscient third person narrator. I suppose he wouldn't know what to do once it came time to focus on another character.

Tom DeFalco: "Should Timber Wolf narrate what he thinks the other guy is thinking? Should he narrate what he thinks the other guy thinks that Timber Wolf thinks he's thinking? I've seen Scott Lobdell do it with Roy Harper. Gosh, he's such a good writer. He has such amazing control over the story and narration. I should have never hired him! He's so much better than I am. But at least I'm still better than Grant Morrison and Scott Snyder. How does anyone understand what's going on in those comics without the constant use of Narration Boxes? Fools!"

The thing I thought was some city emerging from the Earth last issue turns out to be a World Killer Machine Bot. Perhaps it is The Cosmic Butcher built from raw materials yanked from the Earth by Daggor and his pet dragon. Unless Daggor is the dragon's pet. That was awful humanoid-centric of me. Captain Adym and Tyroc and Harvest and Timber Wolf and whoever else is there (some Ravagers, I think? Superboy?) begins tossing ideas around on how to destroy it. Tyroc tries yelling at it but it must be stronger than a mountain range because he can't defeat it. Timber Wolf scratches it and talks tough. That doesn't work. Captain Adym points out that this shouldn't be happening which doesn't convince the World Killer to give up. But then Gates comes through with a plan of his own!

Run away!

What Gates is trying to say here is, "Get Batman!" That's a pretty good plan. I've seen it work time and time again. Except he's a bit busy with his party. And Superman is a bit busy with H'el on Earth. And Wonder Woman is on a big date with Batwoman. Green Lantern is dead. The Flash is fighting Gorillas. I guess Aquaman and Cyborg aren't all that busy? No? Don't bother? Okay then! Legion is going to have to deal with this themselves!

I guess after Daggor and Thrax started the World Killer Machine's autobuild program, they took off for another planet. I think Daggor was simply there to determine if Earth was a good candidate to be unterraformed so that the Cosmic Butcher could turn it into a vacation home. Once they set up the World Killer, there work was done. I'm speculating on this because Wildfire and Psykill decide to go after Daggor and Thrax and have to fly to another solar system to defeat him.

I think everyone on Earth would appreciate their help with that fight since the World Killer is the immediate threat. But what do I know? I'm not a superhero.

Meanwhile, Superboy has lost his mind to Harvest's programming and his personality has improved measurably.

The uber-violence is so much more palatable than the existential dread he was constantly whinging on about.

Daggor's mechanical droids continue to attack while the World Killer continues to build itself while the heroes continue to randomly bump into each other for short conversations while not actually doing a whole lot. In one of these conversations, Warblade tells Ridge he's welcome to come home if he does a small favor for Harvest. Then the editor tells me to see future issues of The Ravagers for more information as if I have 24 hour access to a time machine. Hmm. I guess if I had any access to a time machine it would be 24 hour access. Because if I needed it right now but didn't have access to it, I would just wait until I had access to it and visit myself when I needed it and then I'd have access to it! Twenty four hour access.

I believe Ridge will not take up Warblade's offer (whatever it is) because he hates Harvest so much. But maybe the offer will be to betray Beast Boy which would get Beast Boy out of the picture so that Ridge could have Terra all to himself? Okay, he might do that! And since Harvest hates Beast Boy because he's the only person to ever thwart one of Harvest's plans, that really could be the possibility!
And then Daggor destroys Wildfire. Or at least rips his containment suit.

And apparently everyone in Arizona can simply look up and see the explosion in whatever solar system those planets and moon represent.

While Wildfire may have blown up in a double page spread, I doubt he's dead. Even if he doesn't return before this comic book ends its run, he's still easily alive. He's simply energy and the suit contains his energy. The explosion may confuse and dissipate him for awhile, but he'll be okay.

More importantly than Wildfire's pseudo-death, Daggor finishes one speech bubble in the other solar system and then instantly returns to Arizona.

I guess this makes sense since Legion Lost #13 established that his speed was 31,558,464,000 times faster than light.

Although his arrival does not explain how Wildfire's mask ended up in Dawnstar's hand so she could cry over it, Yorick style. I probably should have said Hamlet style but I wanted to type "Yorick."

Apparently the battle between Daggor and Wildfire happened in the sky above them and all those incorrectly drawn planets were some kind of visual metaphor. The comic book didn't say anything to make me think that. That's just me imposing my own beliefs on reality so that this comic book doesn't drive me insane. And it's working really hard to do just that, especially in this next panel where I think DeFalco just said, "Fuck it. This title is over anyway."

Did DeFalco and Lobdell obtain some sort of free pass to ignore Flashpoint?

Captain Adym has already broken the no time travel rule once to get into this comic book. Now he's going to try to break the rule again and change the timeline? But what about all the people living in the timeline where the World Killer begins to build itself? You're killing them all, you monster!

The other Legion members reject Captain Adym's stupid plan as well but for less logical reasons than mine. They're afraid his stunt will kill millions of Americans in the explosion and they won't be a part of that. But there's one person left who doesn't mind!

Yay! Last stand! I'm so excited!

Harvest once again knocks everyone out with one single blast. Except for Gates who is off considering skinning out of there and doing it to Captain Adym's time bubble. Of course he won't! He'll somehow come back to save the day. And by saving the day, it will look like Legion Lost died but they will really just end up back in the future because Tom DeFalco and his editors don't give five fucks about Flashpoint and the whole fucking reason behind this Reboot.

Legion Lost #15 Rating: -1 Ranking. I don't think anything actually happened in this issue with the excepting of Wildfire exploding. Everything else is exactly where it was at the end of Issue #14. And what was up with Lord Daggor and Wildfire fighting amongst a couple of strange planets but still being in the skies of Arizona?