Green Arrow #4

Black Canary's thigh is bigger than her midsection. So sexy!

The Review!
Sometime Green Arrow needs to learn the lesson that he can't do it all by himself. Usually he needs to learn this lesson about once a year. Then he needs to drive everybody out of his life sometime after that so that he can fail by himself and learn the lesson again. This is one of those times! But he learns the lesson rather quickly this time, so that's the good news. The bad news is I don't really have any bad news. Oliver seems to be a bit more lighthearted than usual (or he just likes making fun of fat nerds) and he's made a new old friend in John Diggle. Black Canary is back in his life and he has Emiko to watch his back (when she's not stabbing him in it). Everything is smelling like posies for old Oliver Queen! Except that he's lost all of his money and everybody thinks he's dead. But, you know, he's been through that before too! What I'm saying is this is the kind of Green Arrow story you've come to expect. Not that it's boring and tired. I think it's got a great villain and just the kind of villain you'd expect the modern day Robin Hood to topple. I'm a bit in shock that I've read five issues of Green Arrow in a row now and they haven't just been not terrible but actually pretty good!

The Commentary!
Green Arrow is currently in the fight of his life against an evil bank. No, not Wells Fargo. I can see how you might make that mistake, being that Wells Fargo is run by sociopaths who seem to believe there are no other banking opportunities out there for people and so can treat their customers worse than burning dog shit suddenly appearing on their front porch. It's almost as if the employees of Wells Fargo truly believe that you love non-consensual figurative anal rape and it's for that perk alone you chose to bank with them! They think they're doing you a favor when they put a hold on your money and cause you to miss some payments, presenting you with a hefty fine as if it were an Oscar. They're the street magicians of the banking industry and they think you can't wait to see their best trick: fining you for not having enough money in your account until you have negative amounts of money in your account and owe them! Ta-da!

What I'm trying to say is Wells Fargo is ass. And I don't mean clean, tasty, fresh-out-of-the-shower ass waiting to be rimmed! I mean the worst kind of ass that I won't even try to describe because it might make you sick to have to read it, and it still won't be gross enough to capture the full assness of Wells Fargo. How are people still voluntarily giving them their money?! It's the cute little stagecoach, isn't it? I would prefer my bank's logo to be something more secure though.

They let Aquaman in their club! At least you've got arrows!

I know, humorless Aquaman lovers, I know! Aquaman is strong! Aquaman can make sharknados! Aquaman is a bad-ass! We Aquaman Detractors have heard all of your arguments many times already. We just don't care about them! If you can't understand why we find so much joy in making fun of Aquaman, perhaps you own a mirror which you can look into?

Batman is probably a better example of a useless member of the Justice League in this example. Green Arrow is basically Batman without the Bat theme. He's actually a better Batman because he cares more about social justice than Batman does. Batman is just all, "Throw some money and punches at the symptoms of the problem!" But Green Arrow is all, "Fix the actual problem and the crime will take care of itself!" Okay, maybe Green Arrow isn't totally like that. But he once was, I think. I don't know. I actually do find him more boring than Aquaman.

Green Arrow has been trapped by the Seattle police and is about to be arrested for blowing up Queen Industries. Instead of lowering his hoodie and saying, "Surprise! It's me! Playboy Oliver Queen! I was just throwing a party that got a little out of hand. Everything's fine here, officers!", Green Arrow decides to beat up the police. That'll show them that he's not a menace to Seattle!

Just before Green Arrow is shot in the back, Diggle arrives to save the day. I'm not sure why he saves the day though. I can't tell if he hates Green Arrow or loves him. Maybe both! Wonder Woman recently said during a fuck-fight with Cheetah, "Love and hate are samesies!" Greg Rucka nailed that one.

Meanwhile, Black Canary doesn't sneak on board The Inferno as sneakily as she thought she sneaked.

I hope Emi didn't hit an artery with that tranq!

Digg begins Diggling Oliver Queen about somebody he loved and how Queen did her wrong. My guess is that Oliver Queen was supposed to take care of Diggle's cat while Diggle was away on a mission and Green Arrow wound up getting sucked into space by a Zeta-Beam before he could feed the cat and she died. That's a sadder story than the story people are expecting because most people feel bad when bad shit happens to people. But the best of us only feel horrible if animals are hurt.

Anyway, Diggle wants to beat the shit out of Queen for the thing Queen did to the female Diggle loved. Queen apologizes profusely but, for some reason, won't let Diggle break a few bones. I don't think Oliver is sorry at all!

That was an easy dispute to resolve. But they never clarified what it was about! I still think it's about Digg's cat.

Oliver shows Diggle the computer he stole from his CFO, Broderick, and says loudly, "I do not know computer stuff! Der! If only some computer stuff person were in this comic book! Dur!" Diggle is all, "I'm sure we'll find one! Just don't fuck whomever we find, okay? Because that is some stupid shit that don't make know sense at all and lots and lots of idiotic fans will be all, 'Yes! Best relationship ever! Feliver Forever!' Why can't they see a badly judged plot point doesn't make a forever romance?!" Hopefully Oliver just takes a computer class and continues to fuck Black Canary.

The person Ollie gets to do computer stuff is, thankfully, Henry Fyff. I'm almost certain he won't begin fucking Fyff. Although it would be nice if Oliver Queen could have a relationship with a female he isn't related to that doesn't wind up in bed. Every woman on the Arrow television show should just be played by a talking vagina.

Fyff manages to hack the laptop so that Oliver can learn a little more about the Ninth Circle. But what he really needs to learn is that they have Black Canary! And he does learn that when the CEO of the Ninth Circle Skypes them over the laptop. CEO Meltyface offers a trade but he really just wants to kill Green Arrow. Green Arrow accepts the trade but he really only wants to completely and utterly destroy the Ninth Circle. So Green Arrow and Diggle hop in a dinghy and row out to attack the Ninth Circle's floating headquarters. Two guys against the biggest battleship to enter Seattle since The Black Curate! That was in Grifter! Also, I'm sorry for reminding you of Grifter. Oh boy, that was a terrible series!

Nightwing #2

These Owls forgot that the style this year is black masks.

The Commentary!
According to the cover, it's just the second issue of Nightwing pretending to work for the Parliament of Owls and he's fudged up and started to just beat the crap out of them! Maybe this comic book should just be called Talon?

Raptor punched Dick so hard last issue that Dick decided to have a memory about the past. I was once hit in the face that hard but instead of having a memory, I simply thought, "That asshole punched me in the face!" So apparently I shouldn't be angry at comic books in the way they use Narration Boxes because I do the same thing in real life. It was obvious to everybody that I had been punched in the face: the 7-Eleven clerk, the guy who punched me, my friend Paul backing away and cowering in the candy aisle. It was especially evident to me. So why did I think, "That asshole just punched me in the face!"? I hope that isn't a pattern in my life because I don't want my last thoughts to be, "That shark is devouring my lower torso!" How boring! I hope if that ever happens to me, I'll instead think, "That shark is eating my dick! Gay!"

Robin's memory is about this one time (out of like a million times) that Batman pretended he was going to kill a criminal so that the criminal would tell Batman the truth. Isn't Batman smarter than that? People don't tell the truth when they're frightened or in pain or staring into the face of a grown man in a Halloween costume. That's the time you lie your ass off so that the person doing those things to you will stop it already! No wonder this story is called "Better Than Batman." Batman is a dumb jerk.

Raptor is reminding Dick that Dick is his new partner when Dick decides to think some more stuff to himself in a way that I believe is totally now natural now that I remembered that time I was punched in the face by Jimmy Arthur.

Come on, Seeley! We know the title actually refers to Dick Grayson!

Oh! I forgot that I was going to mention an article that Facebook thought I might enjoy! Facebook almost never suggests articles I might enjoy so it seemed really weird that it would suggest I might like the following article:

Does Facebook think I had sex with my cousin?! Hell, does Facebook think I've had sex!? It's algorithms noticed I only talk about comic books right? Oh! Maybe that's why it thinks I fucked my cousin!

Why would the Omaha Weird Harold use that lady's picture for this article? I imagine she's the columnist who answers perverts' letters. But can't some editor realize that this picture of her just makes it seem like she's mocking the person who can't get over totally having sex?! When I have sex, I'm going to write to all the local papers too!

Dick is ready to ditch Raptor when Raptor is all, "Dudebro! I thought we were doing some superhero bonding!" And Dick is all, "Fucking hell. Of course he did! My mentors really set a horrible example, didn't they?"

Dick decides there could be worse things than partnering with Raptor like that one hilariously imaginative thing I might come up with later and replace these words with. He and Raptor hop on the Raptorcopter (I don't know if that's what he calls it but that's probably what he calls it) and they head off to complete their first mission for the Parliament of Owls. Dick had better kill someone on this mission or he's going to blow his cover.

Meanwhile, Babs phones Dick from Tokyo to arrange a booty call. Dick is all, "I'm not sure that's a good idea, Babs. I think I have to wash the semen out of my hair that night." But Babs convinces him that to come because she seriously needs to. But first Dick has to finish his mission with Raptor. Why is Babs interrupting the story?! Doesn't she know Dick's gay yet? She must have some Bat-gaydar in her utility belt.

Oh. Buteo was the name of the Raptorcopter. That's terrible branding! Only bird nerds and internet know-it-alls who looked it up quickly and then pretended they always knew the word would know what a Buteo is!

Raptor decides to give Nightwing a lesson on branding as if Nightwing didn't already get the best branding lesson in the world from Batman. That Bat-guy couldn't Bat-build a single Bat-thing without Bat-prepending Bat to it!

I should learn about branding and marketing and the other thing from Raptor! How do I make my blog more popular? I bet the best way to do it would be to start reading Marvel Comics instead of DC Comics! All of the Fake Geek Geeks love Marvel because they get all of their information from their peers on the Internet who get all of their information from the people getting their information from them! And they all say Marvel rules, DC drools and has a terrible time with sexual harassment in the workplace and think Wonder Woman's origin is too complicated and cancelled their cartoons because too many girls liked them and a whole bunch of other things that aren't true but have been said so many times that they may as well be.

Nightwing reveals that he's been working on a theme song. I hope when he finishes it, it's released as a floppy 45 in a future issue!

Nightwing and Raptor board a ship being taken over by Kobra. Apparently it's a Parliament of Owls ship and they need to...ARGH!

I'll never get near another overweight person as long as I live! This is how imagine Chili's on a Friday night.

The boat is full of refugees who will be doing all of the labor in the Parliament of Owls' new country, New Greece. Nightwing is shocked! I don't think he knows that people actually do jobs they don't particularly like sometimes. I mean, most of them aren't forced into those jobs. Although I still want to say that fleeing your war-ravaged country and winding up in slave labor camps is probably better than having to clean the toilets at McDonalds. I won't say that because it's insensitive to a number of different people. But I'm probably thinking it anyway.

Dick doesn't do anything to stop the shipment of laborers to the Parliament of Owls because he's trying to keep his cover. He can't bring the whole Parliament down if he trades his cover in for one ship of refugees. Luckily for Nightwing, Raptor wants to help Nightwing bring down the Parliament of Owls. He won't say why but it probably has to do with money and his father. His father is probably the Orator and he's a big jerk who never let Raptor put posters on his walls.

Meanwhile, Babs is sitting in a sexy puddle of her body's own making waiting for Dick to arrive to her Tokyo picnic. But he totally stands her up because he doesn't like the junk she has to work with. He likes junk like his junk! Like Raptor's junk! Poor Babs! She's never going to get any!

The Review
Nightwing is cute and funny and charming. I don't mean "cute" in the looks department. I wouldn't know if he was cute because he's a guy and I don't swing on guys. I meant he's cute like a six year old saying cute things and being adorable. No wait! Six year olds aren't cute. I think maybe I meant a three year old? But he's no longer the best part of this comic book. Raptor is way more interesting because he's like a real man being manly and concerned with business. Dick is playing games but Raptor is playing for keeps. I guess that's what happens when you're raised by a rich guy who lets you swing around the city all night in your pajamas. You never really grow up. But Raptor had to grow up fast because his father, the Orator, was all, "You don't play that music so loud! Don't you put any staples in my walls! Take showers! Sleep reasonable hours! Eat healthy!" And Raptor was all, "But I don't want to! You're the worst!" Then he fled, put on a mask, and came back to get even with his dad. I bet he puts up tons of posters in his new apartment.

Justice League #2

The Justice League are hired to do security at the 2016 Olympic Summer Games.

The Commentary!
How is this comic book going to keep a twice monthly schedule with Bryan Hitch writing it and Tony S. Daniel drawing it? DC Comics is stoned, drunk, and possibly listening to Def Leppard if they believe this creative team knows the definition of a deadline.

Also, who at DC thought putting that comic book Snickers advertisement on the inside front cover was a good idea? It's distracting! It looks too much like part of the comic book and has too much going on. It's also better written than anything Bryan Hitch can do, so it makes the rest of the comic book extremely disappointing.

This issue is part two of "The Extinction Machines." Apparently the Extinction Machines are bugs and earthquakes and a demon called The Kindred who can possess multiple people and make them talk in a red voice. They can also steal super powers so I guess it'll be up to Batman and Aquaman to save the day.

Last issue, Simon and Jess's rings lost power and they dropped into the middle of a tidal wave. This issue begins with their having just saved everybody in Hong Kong because their rings are back to normal. Nothing like a fake cliffhanger to really build the tension between issues and make a reader distrust every fucking thing the writer writes! At least Jessica is beginning to learn to make constructs because there's nothing more boring than a Green Lantern who can't make giant boxing gloves and Zambonis. That was hyperbole because, of course, there's always Aquaman.

The Flash also lost his powers last issue but he's got them back. What were we all worried about? Why did I just spend the last two weeks fretting about how the Justice League would deal with The Kindred without any super powers?! That was hyperbole too! I probably didn't think about this comic book once over the last two weeks. The last time I remember excitedly awaiting the next issue of a comic book was during the run of Hitman when he was dealing with those SAS bad-asses. Fuck, that was a long time ago.

When Cyborg says "Jump!", you say, "Fuck you, Cyborg! Batman is on the other line! How high, Bruce? How high?!"

The Batman called in The Flash to discuss Gotham's sudden insect problem. In Justice League Rebirth #1, there were too many Space Lice for The Flash to run around destroying in one nanosecond. In Justice League #2, there are just as many Alien Bed Bugs but The Flash has no problem destroying them all in the space between two of Batman's words. It's not like I expect any kind of consistency in Bryan Hitch's Justice League. Besides, can you really compare Space Lice with Alien Bed Bugs. It's like comparing apples and fruit that look and taste just like apples but aren't apples for some plot reason.

Batman's plan is to turn the Alien Bugs over to the CDC and ARGUS because he doesn't want Alien Bed Bugs in the Batcave. Batman surmises the Alien Bed Bugs are actually some kind of biological weapon released when a missile crashed in Gotham. I'm not sure how he looked directly at the alien space craft the bugs came out of and saw a missile but then I'm not Batman! He has the ability to know exactly what's going on no matter how confusing the story might be. But Batman and Flash don't have any more time to figure out the Alien Bed Bug problem because Cyborg is insistent they come up to the Watchtower now.

Luckily, A.I.M. is on the scene to deal with the Alien Bed Bugs!

Cyborg can't get in touch with Aquaman because Aquaman is busy rescuing his Precious Moments Astrological Symbols Figurines from a sinking Atlantis. Nobody is too worried about not having Aquaman in the loop though. What are the odds the current danger to Earth can be stopped by a swarm of Flying Fish?

Cyborg has some information about what caused the Earthquakes. Apparently there are four huge spheres buried in the Earth's mantle. I mean the outer core. I mean...well, in some pictures they're in the outer core and in some pictures, they're in the mantle. But Cyborg said the outer core so I should just believe Cyborg. The spheres are emitting "gravitational waves" which are causing the quakes. Batman, being a detective, is all, "Who did this?! Where can I find them? Can their jaws be broken?" But Cyborg is all, "How can we know that, Batman?! Jeez! Let's deal with the problem at hand and save the world before we get hung up on the justice of finding the person responsible for it!" That's when Wonder Woman steps in to offer her opinion.

Wow. Perceptive, Diana. Although I am surprised she didn't come out of the shower wearing a towel to deliver this line.

While the Justice League are discussing possibly contacting Superman because they're useless without him, hundreds of missiles from space containing Alien Bed Bugs begin crashing down on Earth. One even smashes into the Watchtower, so that should keep Cyborg busy while the others head to Earth to burn mattresses.

The Kindred call the Alien Bed Bug Infestation "The Purge" which seems an awful lot like the Space Lice attack from Rebirth. How come none of the Justice League remember the Space Lice attack and how similar it was to this? I think Bryan Hitch wrote that story and thought, "What a waste to have this be just one issue! I don't need to think up a new idea for the regular series. I'll just use this one again and extend it!"

At the bottom of the ocean, Aquaman cuddles his Zodiac Crystals while he watches the Atlanteans turn into some kind of underwater Voltron. I bet Arion is involved somehow. He's probably the leader of the Kindred. He set them up way back when Atlantis ruled the world as a defense against the coming of the next Purge. He probably had to deal with a Purge way back then and thought, "Never again! Somebody make me some Zodiac Crystals so they can be important later! And Earthquake Balls! And a Magic Global Mindmeld spell!"

While the rest of the Justice League are doing the actual labor of clearing out the Alien Bed Bug infestation, Batman goes to convince Superman to clean up Earth's gravitational ball problem.

So basically, Batman's relationship with Preboot Superman isn't any different at all than his relationship with New 52 Superman.

The Review!
So far, this is an average Justice League series. It's pretty much what I would expect if I picked up an issue of the Justice League at random. It does what it's supposed to do and doesn't offer up anything more. The only thing I have to complain about is that there's no reason to recommend it. It's missing a great hook, or a surprising theme, or Wonder Woman coming out of the shower in a towel. It's just the Justice League doing that thing they do where they stop a global threat. This time, the global threat is Alien Bed Bugs. It's gross but nothing special.

Suicide Squad Rebirth #1

Suicide Squad goes from a logo that actually took a bit of graphic design to something a tenth grader would come up with for the cover of the yearbook.

The Commentary!
I will probably be going to see the Suicide Squad movie in a few days and I will probably enjoy the hell out of it, even if Harley has a scene with The Joker where she screams, "Martha?! Who's Martha?!" No matter how enjoyable the movie might be, it won't get a fair shake from the internet. I have a feeling Marvel fans are just waiting for the first widespread theatrical showing of Suicide Squad so that they can begin blogging their comments about how bad the movie was based on the early reviews they've already read. They'll have no original thoughts of their own because that's the fucking internet for you. Judge something on its own merits based on your own ideas and perceptions? Fuck that! If you disagree with the Internet, you'll be crucified! So instead of talking about the good points to Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us, just keep repeating the Martha gag over and over and fucking over (just like I did earlier!). Instead of pointing out how the scene makes emotional sense but was horribly directed, just pan the entire movie due to Snyder's poor interpretation of Batman's sudden realization of the humanity of this powerful alien. You know what? I shouldn't put all the blame on Snyder. Where the fuck did Jesse Eisenberg come up with that interpretation of Lex Luthor?!

Here's the deal: I'll tell you if the movie is good and why. I've been a fan of the Squad since Legends, so I'm not going to be happy if it's terrible. I mean, I'm already not happy that they're using the version of the Squad they're using! I'm fine with Amanda Waller, Deadshot, Captain Boomerang, Rick Flag, and Enchantress. And I understand DC's feeling that Harley Quinn is necessary. Hell, she'll probably steal the entire movie for most people. But I don't know how I feel about Katana being in the group. And I don't give a shit about Killer Croc. And El Diablo? Well, I guess they need somebody they can kill. If it were up to me, I would have included Oracle in this movie since Suicide Squad was when she first made her appearance. Since The Joker is in this movie, maybe have a scene where he shoots a young Barbara Gordon during some ribbon cutting ceremony in Gotham while she's on stage with her father. Make it sort of a background thing that you can replay again later in the movie from a perspective after they discover Oracle is helping them. Now that I've written that, I'm thinking, "How the fuck did they miss this opportunity?!" And now I'm thinking, "Oh! Maybe they didn't! I haven't seen the movie yet! Maybe Oracle is in it!" But now now I'm thinking, "I'm pretty sure I would have heard about Oracle being in the film if she were in the film so stop dreaming, asshole."

Suicide Squad Rebirth begins with President Obama shutting down Task Force X. Being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I know that this proclamation won't stick because this comic book is just starting. It's those kinds of things that separate the Grandmasters from the Amateurs. An Amateur Comic Book Reader probably read "The Suicide Squad is finished" on page one and thought, "What?! But it hasn't even started yet! I just wasted three bucks!" The really dumb ones probably think the comic book ended on that first page and went on to the next comic in their stack. Ha ha! Fools! But I know better! I know that all DC's $2.99 comic books are twenty pages long, even if they start off by saying that they're over!

It's up to Amanda Waller (fat again! Yay Rebirth!) to convince President Obama that he can shut his dumb lame duck fucking mouth!

The only problem with this whole program is that everybody fucking knows about it! Hopefully Rebirth makes it secret again!

It's hard to justify the Squad's existence on the basis that they take care of problems for America too sensitive for the government to deal with when all of the other governments know that when a team of supervillains attacks some organization within their borders, they're doing it on behalf of the US Government. And yet that's exactly how the last series, New Suicide Squad, began! Hopefully Rob Williams will make a better go at keeping the team covert.

I just realized the Jim Lee is drawing this book every two weeks (or, at least, eight or so pages of it, depending on how badly he fails his deadlines). Can he draw fat women?! Will Amanda be fat on issue and skinny the next?

Amanda's new plan for the Squad is to hire a war hero to lead the villains so that they retain some kind of moral compass and direction in the field. That hero is Rick Flag! Or Rick Flag Jr! Or Rick Flag the III! However he fits in, he's fucking Rick Flag, okay? Golden boy war hero! The man who can look Deadshot right in the eye and say, "What the fuck is wrong with you? That mustache is ridiculous." Rick Flag! The man who won't wind up putting his wiener in Harley's clown car! Rick Flag! The man who Captain Boomerang once called "the biggest buzzkill this side of some place in Australia!" I don't have time to research places in Australia! Just fill that quote in if you know of one. Like maybe New Zealand?

Hmm. Maybe all those things I said about Rick Flag? I must be remembering his father.

Apparently Rick Flag is in Guantanamo Bay, charged with terrorism. But it's not true! The terrorism charge is false! It's a--oh god--false Flag! Um, so, yeah, apparently Rick Flag refused to follow a superior's order because it would get his men killed. His men were forced to follow the order anyway and they were all killed. Somebody didn't like that Rick Flag was right and they disappeared him. And now Amanda Waller is here to free him! But not for free! He still has to do what she says and lead a team of villains on reckless and dangerous missions. For the good of the US of A, of course!

Amanda gives Flag the details of Task Force X. First she starts with the most important members: Harley Quinn, Deadshot, and Captain Boomerang. Sure, he's only called Boomerang since The New 52 but I'll always refer to him as Captain Boomerang since Boomerang sans Captain is part of that other universe. The one that takes place only in New York. Anyway, Amanda doesn't bother naming any of the other members because they're the ones who are likely to die. I mean, not Katana, of course. Or Killer Croc. Don't worry, I'm sure they'll find some disposable villains this time around. I trust Rob Williams to know the definition of "suicide".

Although how much can I really trust Rob Williams when the first mission he sends the Squad on is to rescue a scientist who has made a bomb that can turn off superpowers. I should probably just copy and paste the same rant into every single fucking comic book commentary I write since they all seem to use some kind of weapon that magically takes away superpowers. It's such a crutch! Although, to be fair, nobody currently on the Suicide Squad will be affected by the weapon since none of them have powers. It's just a threat to America that must be stopped before it gets used and creates another boring ass story I have to read about The Flash or Superman or Green Lantern losing their powers. So maybe I can trust Rob Williams! Maybe this is his way of saying, "My Suicide Squad is going to save the world from boring comic book tropes!" I would totally high-five Rob Williams if he were here right now and I weren't deathly allergic to giving high-fives to people older than four years old.

The scientist makes the ultimate mistake of telling the Suicide Squad that if he's captured, millions of innocent lives will be lost. Well, you know the easiest way to make sure the bad guys don't get their hands on him, right? Deadshot?

Or Boomer! Whatever!

I guess Boomer just got the plans for the bomb. Deadshot will have to deal with the scientist. Then they can dust off their hands and head back to America, heroes!

Speaking of heroes, there's an advertisement for a twice monthly Cyborg book starting in September. DC Comics is still trying to make Cyborg interesting?! Hasn't Cyborg been given enough chances?! Unless this new book is about how he's sleeping with tons of women due to his new wrist attachment, I'm not interested!

So, um, Rick Flag agrees to lead the team because it's either that or Guantanamo Bay until he dies. Go America!

The Review!
Rob Williams begins a wonderful new chapter in the history of the Suicide Squad! I can sense it! It's got all the makings of the Squad I remember. Waller alone in complete control. Rick Flag as the leader and moral compass. Deadshot and Captain Boomerang exchanging insults. Harley Qui...well, I guess some things are new. But the old Squad had Punch and Jewelee, so how different is Harley, really?! I'm looking forward to the Suicide Squad more than I have in a long time. I mean, Tim Seeley had a nice finishing run on New Suicide Squad. I could have seen him keep on keeping on with that version. But it seems like Rob Williams has a feel for the Squad. At least for the Squad I remember! And I only like things that I used to like and not things that are new!

The Sheriff of Babylon #9

The Review Or Probably Just a Bunch of Blurbs for the Cover
I was wondering if the next fashion trend we could start could be t-shirts with tiny moth holes all over them. Because I'm tired of not looking haute! Speaking of fashion trends that revolve around holes, did you know there was a Def Leppard biopic? I couldn't stop watching it because it was so bad and full of fake band drama! Although I think my favorite part was when Pyromania hit big and the drummer said, "I'm going to buy the fastest Corvette they make!" Ha ha! Subtle! I only saw up until the drummer crashed his Corvette in a Duel-esque battle with another car on the road before I had to go meet an old man about a buffer. That was an hour into the two hour movie. I imagine the last hour revolved around the drummer being depressed because he lost an arm while half the band began trying to force him out and the other half thought he'd be a great draw at the box office. The band with mediocre music played by a one-armed drummer!

I actually took a little time trying to think of an adjective for the music Def Leppard played and I finally settled on "mediocre" even though I think that's giving them the benefit of the doubt. Although I did like that song from Pyromania with the clown.

I wonder why Def Leppard didn't tour with the corpse of Steve Clark on guitar on their Adrenalize tour?

I don't have any blurbs for The Sheriff of Babylon this month because I wrote a bunch of blurb's for Def Leppard's next album and emailed them to their manager. I hope they use "Look up mediocre in the thesaurus and you'll see a picture of Def Leppard!" I know it's a little elementary school but I think it's the best they're going to get.

This is Issue nine of twelve and Sofia, Chris, and Nassir are meeting Jim, the top guy in the American military ops hunting down terrorists (I think! Remember, this comic book is way smarter than me!). He wants to meet them because they're heroes for luring a really bad guy whose name I can't remember into a trap. But that seems kind of premature, right? There are still three more issues to go! That must mean Jim is just as corrupt and they're going to need to shit their pants in from of him next. I mean, make him shit his pants. It'll be totally hilarious, I bet!

Why isn't anybody else talking about how funny this comic book is? Pants shitting. Wives killed in misunderstandings. Cats stealing blasphemous religious icons. Naked ding-dongs! I can't stop cracking up at the things Mitch and Tom come up with!

Oh! I spoke too soon. It turns out they have yet to catch Abu Rahim but I guess they came up with such a good plan that Jim couldn't wait to shake some hands and get his spit all over the op. He practically shows the trio his hard on when he gets out of the limousine, he's so worked up about the plan. I hope Jim doesn't take a bullet in the head when I turn the page because I just might spit my tea all over the keyboard. Man, that would be hysterical.

Ha ha! Oh, Jim! That's some good irony!

I think every advertisement in this book features the Suicide Squad. Was that on purpose? I think that's some kind of advert meta-commentary on the story! Although there was one advertisement for some science fiction comic book that I stopped paying attention to when I saw the writer was Joshua Williamson. Reading Williamson's work is like listening to a Def Leppard album.

While Sofia and Nassir await the arrival of Abu Rahim, they discuss a logical theorem for the existence of God. It falls apart immediately and also in the middle and also at the end because God is made up to explain that which we are currently incapable of understanding. Things exist because other things existed and therefore something must have existed at the start to start the other things from existing. Since something had to start that chain, it must be God! Although nobody ever asks how God came into existence. For some reason, he's allowed to have always existed because it solves their theorem tidily. But why God? Why not, say, matter has always existed? Why is that improbable but some magic being that can do anything somehow makes sense? If I thought they really believed what they were saying, I would be disappointed. But I know they are only joking to pass the time! Ha ha! God! What a laugh!

While things seem to be going not terribly on Sofia and Nassir's end, Chris is having some trouble in the waiting room back at Ops Headquarters. He was seated across from Bob, the man whose men killed Nassir's wife. And, as Chris finds out, the man who was responsible for the death of Chris's trainee that got Chris involved in this entire clusterfudge. He's a smug bastard who probably deserves his own bullet in the head.

Before I finish reading this comic book, I should probably apologize to Def Leppard and their fans. I don't want to go on record saying that they were always horribly mediocre. I can see why people became huge fans after Pyromania. That album has a sound and style that set them apart from other bands at the time. But to follow up with Hysteria? Disappointing. I made a few enemies in high school pointing out how lousy Hysteria was. I think I was supposed to grade it on a curve because the drummer only had the one arm. I was supposed to say things like, "It's shit but when you consider the drummer only has one arm, you have to be impressed by something or other!" But I wasn't impressed. I was just not interested at all.

So, Abu Rahim shows up to the ambush but he decides to come wearing an explosive strapped to his chest. So everybody decides maybe they shouldn't kill him just yet. Maybe they need to chat with him! And I bet while chatting with him, they'll discover some secrets about the horrible things the Americans are doing. Which is a good thing to learn since Chris is ready to put a bullet in Bob in the middle of Ops Headquarters anyway.

In the middle of the story is an advertisement for the first collected edition of The Sheriff of Babylon. This one has a blurb from Warren Ellis so I probably shouldn't make fun of it. I've pissed off some comic book professionals but none of those scared me because they couldn't write a biting insult about my mother that hasn't already been written better by me. But Warren Ellis? I think he might just have me for lunch with a sensible amount of words, all in the right place and everything. Although wouldn't it be flattering to be torn down by the man who created Spider Jerusalem?! Still, I think I'll refrain from pointing out to Tom King that he should use one of my blurbs over one of Warren Ellis's blurbs. I wish I had a Warren Ellis blurb for my blog! I wonder if he'd be angry if I just made one up?

The Flash #3

I don't run as it is. I imagine if I got superspeed, I'd just fucking waste it.

The Commentary!
Anybody who chooses "superspeed" as their super power when asked which super power they'd like to have is probably one of those people who complain how busy they always are and also an asshole. It may make The Flash the most powerful superhero in the DC Universe but what the fuck good is it, really? As it stands, I have the ability to run and sprint. But do I put out the effort when doing my shopping? Fuck no! Would I use it so that I could leave at the last second when I have somewhere to be? No fucking way! Even with superspeed, running would mean exerting effort! I'd rather take my time getting wherever I need to be or just be fucking late. I simply couldn't be bothered with superspeed. I'd never use it! Off the top of my head, the only thing I could see it being useful for is when you need to pee while at the movies. And unless you also pee at superspeed, it isn't really going to help out much there either. And if you pee at superspeed, are you going to have to pay for the cracked and broken porcelain from your powerful jet stream of urine?! Superspeed would be the worst.

Although maybe the time travel component would be fun! Although going back in time to slap your younger self in the face just before they did something stupid would probably get old quick. I'm not my own parent! I'm not responsible for that idiot kid back then! If he wants to ride his banana-seated bike off of the four foot high balcony at the Triton Art Museum and rack his fucking nuts on the frame, what do I care? I have to live with that memory, he can too, the stupid bastard. Maybe I'd go back in time to have sex with my grandmother simply so I could be my own grandfather. That would be cool.

The issue begins with The Flash telling me some shit about his life, as if I were sitting there having a beer with him.

That's some heavy shit to lay on a one year old! "Barry! Barry! Barry! Listen to me! Barry! Do not run into traffic! Barry! He's not listening, Henry! He never listens!" "He can't fucking talk, Nora. Give him a Cheerio."

Barry begins the book with that nonsense so he can follow that up with how he runs in traffic on a daily basis now. I'm trying to think if there's a word for that in writing but all I can come up with is "hacky." Not because it doesn't work to say one thing to point out how that thing is now totally not the thing. But it should probably be done in a believable way and not in this kind of "I was one year old and knew not to run in traffic but now at thirty I do it every day! So silly!"

At the end of the last issue, a "speed force storm" hit Central City and now a whole bunch of people have the same powers as The Flash. And a bunch of them have decided to use the power to rob people. I guess I didn't think of that advantage when I was admonishing people for wanting superspeed. I'm not a dick so I wasn't thinking, "I can steal shit from other people! And do other unsavory things to them and their belongings without them knowing it was me!" I was thinking more like filing quickly or washing dishes fast!

Barry and August are running around catching kids committing crime. Barry is overly concerned with how much August is enjoying busting punks. What I'm learning in this series is that Barry Allen is a fucking control freak. No wonder he's always screwing up the DC Universe in his attempt to make it exactly how he thinks it should be. He needs to learn to let go! Relax and sink into the meaningless of life, Barry! Chill with the rest of us in the abyss! Nothing matters so why bother forcing it to not matter in the way you think it should not matter! You're just worrying over nothing.

Barry and August discover STAR Labs is running a preschool for new Flashes. Flashes are learning to vibrate through walls. They're learning to make tornadoes. They're learning to run fast (but not as fast as The Flash! That would be silly!). They're also probably being forced to sign a register so that Men in Black can come creepily knocking on their kitchen doors when a speed crime is committed. It's total government interference bullshit and they shouldn't stand for it! Fuck the fucking government! What have they ever done for us?! And don't try to list all the things they have done for us because I'll just say, "Pshaw!", and wave your intrusive facts back into the ether where you probably made them up!

If I were The Flash, I would start investigating STAR Labs as the cause of the Speed Force Storm. Forget the Black Holes! Did they have a website and training facility ready less than 24 hours after the storm? They certainly did not! How would STAR Labs have been so prepared for this eventuality unless they knew it was coming? Or caused it by playing scientist! That's better than playing God because you actually use science to get results instead of your imagination or magic spells.

The person in charge of STAR Labs Flash Fit Fitness Center is Dr. Meena Dhawan. She's, of course, a genius. No wait! Excuse me! She's an über genius! I guess in a universe where every single character is a genius, you have to start modifying the word "genius" to make new geniuses stand out. Dr. Dhawan has also been granted speed force powers. I guess that's how she built the Fitness Center? And the web page? And set up the hotline? Bah! She's just the kind of asshole I was talking about when I started! She gets speed powers and now she has to do everything at top speed. Fucking show-off.

Meanwhile, Iris continues to investigate the Black Hole.

And by "people," she means "that barn owl Lois Lane's smug face rubbed in Iris's future Pulitzer!"

Wally uses his speed force powers to steal files from the police to help Iris with her story. Iris doesn't get upset because stolen files can just be referred to as "confidential sources."

Barry's boring adventure tracking down speed freaks and teaching them how to control their powers continues. He's so excited about being a speed mentor that he even decides to help out the kids who were committing non-violent crimes earlier that day. But when he gets to Iron Heights, he finds the kids dead and August beat up pretty badly. August reports that a person named Godspeed vibrated into the cell and used the speed force to kill the kids! Oh no! I wonder who Godspeed is! It couldn't be August Heart using bad cop tactics to try to get vengeance for his brother who was killed by The Black Hole years earlier! He doesn't even have a heroic nickname yet! Unless, you know, he finally chose Godspeed!

You know, I hate to even suggest that somebody with a heroic name like August Heart would turn out to be the new villain but this is comic books and there's a reason tropes exist! Because they're easy to write!

On a final note, I wonder how many times Josh Williamson jerked off after thinking up the name Godspeed?

The Review
The Flash is quickly on its way to being the first Rebirth comic book that I don't care about. It's running headlong into Borethefuckouttameville. It can't seem to stop not entertaining me. I've run out of things to say because I'm ready to move along to another comic book!

Wonder Woman #3

I love Wonder Woman's current look! Although the penis between the tits might be a little over the top.

The Commentary!
My pants are really excited about this issue because I believe Issue #1 ended with Cheetah and Wonder Woman about to kiss. Hopefully that thing doesn't happen where this issue begins at a future point in time after they've engaged in all of the stuff that happens after kissing passionately on a forest floor. The kind of stuff where a passing explorer might later remark, "Why does that monkey have underwear on his head?" Mainstream comic books love to leave out all of the good bits of life. I don't get it. Life sucks and comic books are supposed to make people feel better for the two and a half minutes it takes to read a four dollar comic book. And if I'm not getting any sex in life (hypothetical! I actually get tons! But that wouldn't make my point I'm trying to make!), I want to see people having sex in comic books. In great detail so I remember where all of the best bits touch and for how long! Maybe I'm just buying the wrong comic books! I should be buying that one with Alice from Wonderland on the cover where she has gigantic breasts and her underwear is always showing. I bet she has sex with all sorts of things! Like Mad Hatters and March Hares and Hookah Smoking Caterpillars and probably the hookah too! Then her vagina probably blows smoke rings out of it and everybody shouts either "Sexy!" or "Gross!"

Dammit! This issue begins with them bathing! Probably because they got filthy from doing it on the jungle floor!

I should probably be writing something really insightful about feminism since this is a Wonder Woman comic book but what do I know about feminism?! Here's a list of ten things I learned about feminism in junior high!

1. Girls are allowed to look disgusted and run off giggling with their friends when you ask them to skate doubles with you at the roller rink. I know! I totally don't think they should be able to do this but they apparently all know they can and do! Constantly!
2. Girls don't have to spread their affection to every boy in school based on your priorities. I always thought they should like guys with big afros who write great stories but instead, 85% of them liked about five guys who were idiots and jerks but had pretty cool hair for 8th graders. And the other 15% of them liked the five girls actually dating those five guys! Also some of those guys weren't actually idiots or jerks but the rest of us guys had to believe that because how dare they have cool hair and great personalities!
3. Nice guys don't hate girls for not liking them. I think that might be the opposite definition of nice. Or it's the definition of bitter resentment.
4. Girls are just as interested as guys in exploring their growing sexuality. It's just that they have standards and most of the time they won't be exploring those things with you.
5. Sometimes you'll like a girl and she'll get exasperated with you because you're constantly staring at her and not speaking to her and she'll tell you politely to fudge off and then you do because you realize you were being creepy even though you just had serious stars and hearts in your eyes. But then after you back off and respect her distance and stop being a little creep, she reaches out to you in a lot of little ways to show that she likes you but you totally don't know how to react and blow it and walk home singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" while crying your eyes out on a daily basis because you're a coward!
6. That last one might not have been something I learned about feminism but something I learned about me! Like how I was actually a pretty good human being in junior high because I didn't know I was creepy but then when it was pointed out to me, I stopped being creepy, and then it all worked out like a romantic comedy except for the part where I completely chickened out!
7. That last one wasn't something I learned about feminism either! This one probably won't be either but I'll say that here instead of wasting another number in the list after!
8. I had an older sister and I learned that guys were lewd dicks who got off on saying horrible things about her to me because they thought it was funny. It wasn't funny at all! It was confusing because I didn't know any of the sex language they were using! And I couldn't look like a naive jerk by asking them to clarify!
9. It's okay for girls to press their breasts against a boy if they choose to (like when he's trying to play Donkey Kong Jr. and they stand really close to him and press up against his arm and cause him to miss his high score) but the boy probably shouldn't bring it to the girl's attention or giggle insanely or stand up even.
10. I imagine this isn't feminist but I did learn something about boys and girls that isn't exactly fair. The boys and girls on my cousin's block used to play tackle football while growing up. At some point during junior high, we stopped playing tackle football with the girls. I sort of thought it was apparent why but nobody ever said anything, of course, because it was embarrassing to young guys still dealing with uncontrollable boners. And it's not like sweat pants helped hide a boner after tackling a girl in football and accidentally touching her butt while falling to the ground. Years later, I ran into Anig (that's a code name for her to protect her supposed innocence!) at a bar in Berkeley. As we were drinking and talking, she asked why we all stopped playing football with her at some point. It had never occurred to me that she didn't have any clue and her feelings were probably hurt that suddenly we weren't asking her to join us. Of course I told her exactly why we stopped because it wasn't an embarrassing topic any more. She laughed and understood and, I hope, had some positive closure on something that had been bothering her. From my side of it, it seemed reasonable and it was embarrassing so nobody said anything and we just went on playing football without the girls. Until that night in Berkeley, it never occurred to me that the girls were suddenly simply left out without any explanation at all. But I still don't know how the situation could have been dealt with better. I mean, I do! I could have said, "Tackling you gives me a boner!" And Anig could have said, "Really! I want to see it!" Then we could have gone off to play doctor in the bushes!

Where is Wonder Woman putting that claw?

I don't know how that caption turned into something dirty when I really wanted to say something about the tear markings on the Cheetah and how that's a beautiful visual representation for the pain and misery that drives Cheetah to act aggressively in her new life. But instead I couldn't help seeing Wonder Woman moving the hand down low on her body and saying, "And so you remain." You know, a friend! A close friend! Also I can't stop wondering why Cheetah only has two breasts. How come she gets the fur and the claws and the spots and the ears and the tail but not four more breasts? What a waste!

While Cheetah is all "I hate you!" and Wonder Woman is all "I love hate fucks!", Steve Trevor is being portrayed as a really great guy. The kind of guy that Superman should be but isn't which is why Wonder Woman is totally going to go back for some of that "first dick she ever saw" action! I almost typed "first dick she ever tasted" action but I thought that would be too sexist and gross and might turn me on a little bit while typing it (it did).

Steve Trevor has decided to strike out with his men without orders from Etta Candy so he can save the young girls of a tribe kidnapped by some maniac named Cadulo. They find themselves wandering into a scary, overgrown forest that wasn't there before. Total woman coming of age metaphor!

Cheetah and Wonder Woman are attacked by Hyena-men who aren't the same Hyena-men who worship Cheetah. Instead they worship some other god. Some male god! Remember to read italicized words with rancor and bitter resentment dripping from your lips! Or your mind lips if you're a normal person and not reading this aloud.

Cheetah begins devouring her enemies like a good warrior cheetah woman but Wonder Woman is all, "Dude! Dude! Seriously, dude!" Then she hugs Cheetah tenderly until Cheetah cries and reveals that she is being tortured by a Urzkartaga, the male god, her groom. Wonder Woman is all, "Men!"

Meanwhile, Steve Trevor and his men have been captured by Cadulo who either is Urzkartaga or serves Urzkartaga. It's hard to tell with all these secret identity things happening in comic books! Either way, Steve Trevor is all, "Men!" Which means Steve and Diana's stories are totally beginning to come together! That was a sex reference! Because they're going to have sex! Again! Probably while Cheetah is curled up at the foot of the bed trying to pretend that two monkeys aren't copulating the copulate out of each other three inches from her face.

The Review!
Wonder Woman solves a problem with hugs which is totally the Wonder Woman that I expect from a feminist hugger like Greg Rucka! It's also the Wonder Woman I prefer. I don't know what that says about me. But if you are the type who think Wonder Woman should be a bloodthirsty lunatic, you get a little bit of that Wonder Woman too! Because she promises to help Cheetah kill that male god, Urzkartaga! I think that's more symbolic of her agreement to kill the patriarchy and misogyny and Frank Cho's covers. When the confrontation happens, she'll probably abstain from killing to allow somebody else, like Steve Trevor, to finish the guy off. It's always better if the superhero retains their attitude against bloodshed but still allows other, weaker, more violent humans to do the killing for them. It's practically Batman's go-to move!