Black Canary #12

The Review!
This is just The Last Temptation of Christ but starring Dinah Lance! At least it's shorter! And Brenden Fletcher's name is easier to spell than Nikolas Kazantzakis! Just a second while I consult Lord Google. Holy shit! I spelled the last name right! But I got the first name wrong. It's just Niko! But I bet that's short for Nikolas, right?!

The Commentary!
In this issue, Dinah Lance gets asked the stupidest question anybody can ever ask another person.

Stop judging me for not living my life the way you think I should be living it! I mean stop judging Dinah!

Nobody should ever feel obligated to live their life in a way somebody else expects them to. Even if they have a gift. Even if they have the ability to help others. Even if they could bring peace to the entire sodding world through some magic hoodoo. Nobody else has to live inside your own head. It's unfair to expect more than somebody is already giving. It's unfair to expect other people to view the world in the same way that you view it, and to act according to your desires, no matter how selfless or charitable your desires may be. We can only be who we are, and, in the end, we will only answer to ourselves. We can only answer to ourselves. And sometimes what we want is to not kick criminals in the teeth on a constant basis! Sometimes we just want to fucking sing!

But since Black Canary is a hero, I bet her singing is helping more than kicking people in the face! Somehow! It's, like, inspiring or something! It's making the world a better place! It has to be or else we're all going to judge her for only caring about herself and not others! How dare she!

Since the next scene is has another "One Year Later" tag, this must be Dinah's visions of her possible future as she lays dying with a katana in her gut. In her vision of the future as the lead singer of Black Canary, somebody (Izak Orato?) is convincing her that giving people joy is a noble way to live. But she doubts that because she remembers kicking people in the junk was an actual noble way to live! I don't mean I believe that but I think Dinah still believes that because she had all of that Team 7 brainwashing. I mean training.

Not that I think bringing people joy is a noble way to live either! Both ways are just ways to live. Nobility has nothing to do with any of them. Do what you want, Dinah! Stop being distracted and controlled by other people. I mean, you can even choose to just bleed out and stop struggling with your destiny, if you wanted to!

The Justice League can only be saved by roundhouses and leg sweeps?! Diana's subconscious has a really healthy self-esteem!

Black Canary's musical future begins to get bleaker and bleaker as she realizes at forty that she's become a commercial sellout. Her music reached a broader audience and her miserable little fans couldn't be any less happier for her! They accuse her of leaving her art behind to become a bland, moneymaking puppet! And, of course, her nemesis Ravedeath continues to wreak havoc on the world because she fell for his offer. Now she's a musician instead of a super hero and only her judo kicks can stop him!

Dinah tries to get Black Canary back together because her life has lost all meaning. I guess I was wrong about people choosing to live with their choices instead of being bullied by obligation! See what happens when you make the selfish choice? You wind up dying lonely and unloved! Except Dinah is already dying lonely and unloved and this is all in her imagination because she's really lying on a floor with a katana in her belly.

As all hallucinogenic temptations do, Dinah's passes in time and she returns to the present with the information she needs to create the proper future. She knows the Five Heavens Palm and means to use it on Izak to stop Ravedeath from destroying the universe. Although can you use hallucinations as evidence in your manslaughter trial? Won't Dinah just wind up in prison for killing a record producer?

Luckily Ravedeath decided to attack in demon form instead of human form. I think people are allowed to kill demons with karate moves. I suppose it was also self-defense. Whatever! Black Canary defeats the bad person and realizes she was never cut out to be the singer in a band! That's independent comic shit! She's a super hero!

So, you know, she quits the band and moves to Seattle. Which is great news! Not the Seattle part! The part about quitting the band. Because now Bo Maeve is the lead singer of Black Canary! The band just got five bajillion times better! And sexier! And mean-spiriteder! I love Bo! Hopefully the end of this comic doesn't mean the end of Bo.

Martian Manhunter #12

Little known Martian Manhunter fact: if he doesn't fist an asshole once per hour, he falls into a coma and dies.

The Review!
I should apologize for all the times I complained about how I bored I was by this title. Not that some of it wasn't boring and convoluted because it was! It's just that Rob Williams ends this series in however big sports games end when the people cheer like crazy and overturn cars and set fire to homeless people. Well, maybe it doesn't end that great! But I really fucking loved it! You can tell how much because I typed "fucking" and I never swear! Instead of discussing what I liked about the series and the way it wrapped up, I wrote a sonnet instead! It's Italian style! Suck it!

The Sonnet or Whatever!
Sonnet #MM12

They said I should not swim within the lake
But summer's storm, so slowly rolling on,
Still distant seemed. I would, of course, be gone
Before some lightning bolt threatened to make
Water steam and boil, or maybe take
My life. I dove down deep, as if to don
The entirety of the lake upon
Myself. Embraced, a dream yet wide awake.
Now once again, the winter come, they say,
In warning: "The ice is soft. Do not skate."
There were no cracks that could be seen. A sleigh
Had left some solid marks. It held its weight,
Why not mine? Below the ice, dark and gray,
Lay an embrace of a similar fate.

Martian Manhunter #11

Mister Biscuits dies of diabetes.

The Review or Whatever!
This comic book is as confusing as The Sheriff of Babylon but I don't feel it's confusing because it's smarter than I am. I think this book is confusing because Martian Manhunter is too many people and there are too many characters and too many planets and too much time has passed since I read the last issue! That last part isn't Rob Williams' fault. It's the fault of my comic book company for not putting this issue in my subscription box. I think they secretly hate me!

I actually think everybody secretly hates me. And by that, I mean I know that everybody secretly hates me. Jerks.

This issue is called "Loving the Alien" because...oh hell. How should I know? I lost interest in this book back when everybody time traveled and Alicia became an adult and ancient Mars was now current Mars and the evil alien with all the apostrophes in his name returned! I thought maybe the inclusion of Etrigan and Constantine might get me back into it but their scene wasn't one I'll remember on my death bed as I look back and regret all of the time I wasted reading comic books. If I did remember it, I'd regret it! But I don't think it'll still be in my memory next week. Unless I've now cemented it into my memory banks by devoting this many sentences to describing how it wasn't memorable at all!

I guess the Martian Manhunters are getting closer to saving the Earth and the residents of Mars-That-Was. So that's what this issue was about. J'onn is closer to saving the world than he was at the end of Issue #10. But Mister Biscuits did indeed die from too many cookies falling out of his bag when he was stabbed through the heart.

Earth Too: Society #13



The abyss was in a hope chest?

The Review or Whatever!
Once Convergence ended, the people of Earth-2 found themselves on a useless, manufactured planet. So Green Lantern turned it into a somewhat livable planet with which nobody was really happy. A bunch of people wanted to terraform the planet to their particular expectations using a magic cube full of blueprints to recreate Earth-2-That-Was but a bunch of other people thought that was a bad idea for some reason. So there was a big battle and, in the end, everybody was left with Green Lantern's not-so-spectacular version of Earth-2-That-Was.

Being that Earth-Too didn't have any money-making opportunities, everybody began to quibble over the fossil fuel resources that Green Lantern couldn't fake up along with all the other shit he somehow faked up for the world. This led to more global strife which kept Tornado Lane from finishing her draft of a world constitution. I think she only got as far as writing "In God We Trust" and then crossing that out because it's a shitty way to start a constitution. Anyway, shit happened and things were resolved and Green Lantern gave up his ring for the good of everybody.

Now this thing called the Pandora Vessel has cropped up which has the capacity to terraform Earth-Too back into Earth-2! And so we're going back to that story! The only difference is that this time Ultra-Humanite is trying to stop them so that he can use the Pandora Vessel as he sees fit instead of Godlike Jimmy Olsen trying to steal the Terraforming MacGuffin to use as he saw fit. It's a totally different story and not boring me to tears at all! Except that it isn't and it is! So why I said it the other way first, I don't know! Except that I do know but it's not something I want to admit! I'm a bad writer!

The Sheriff of Babylon #8

Still not one of my cover blurbs, dammit!

The Review and The Part Where I Probably Bitch About the Cover Blurb!
I can't help but feel like I'm being slighted here, Tom King. The Court of Nerds gets a blurb? Who the hell are the Court of Nerds?! A mysterious organization of men and women in Weird Al Yankovic masks pulling the strings of the city's leaders? And what makes them think they're going to talk to all seven billion people minus about thirty thousand who aren't reading this comic book?! Even I know that's a preposterous notion and I'm an idiot! It's possible the Court of Nerds just meant "if you're into comic books and love great comic books and aren't reading this comic book, I don't actually want to speak with you because I'm anxious and awkward around other people but I'm prepping up some serious side-eye if I ever leave the house and run into you!" I guess that's too long for a cover blurb. Maybe that's why I haven't gotten one of my blurbs on the cover yet! Mine are all too lengthy and probably also too smart! I need to dumb them down and shorten them up! Here are a few more, Tom King:

"This comic left me blurbless! -- Grunion Guy!"
"A+++∞! -- Grunion Guy!"
"Tom King's sexual stamina is amazing! -- Grunion Guy!"
"I think Gerads forgot an "r" in his name! -- Grunion Guy!"
"When is Baby Lon going to be introduced in this book? I'm on the edge of my seat! Oh man! I hope he wasn't the miscarriage! NOOOOOOO! -- Grunion Guy!"
"What's going on in this book? It's way too smart for me! -- Grunion Guy!"
"Remember when that guy shit his pants?! So funny! Was it meant to be funny? Well, I laughed! -- Grunion Guy!"
"If you are not reading this book, you probably aren't reading this blurb either! -- Grunion Guy!"
"I don't really care about this comic book, I just want to increase my Q Score! -- Grunion Guy!"
"Sometimes there's a cat in it! -- Grunion Guy!"
"Did I just pull a pube out of my mouth? Ew! Where did that come from?! -- Grun...er, Cullen Bunn!
That's probably enough! I'm sure one of those will make the cover of Issue #12! Thanks in advance, Tom King!

This issue keeps me just as confused as ever which must mean the story is really smart and I should actually be pretending to understand it so that I don't look stupid! But I found the panel that helps me put all the pieces together and opens the way to understanding the theme!

I knew it! Carpets! It's all about the carpets!

Well, maybe it's not all about carpets! Some of it is about the symbols of a bombed out empty swimming pool which also becomes a grave and dumping ground of blasphemous icons stolen by cats! But you have to know a lot more about Islam than I pretend not to know to really understand it all! Also, pretending to pretend not to know makes me look like I actually know things that I don't actually know! That way I can still appear smart by mentioning the cat but not really explaining anything about it! Except maybe I'm also pretending about all of that too! Maybe I really am just smart! Or dumb? I forget where I was in my intelligence inception!

Anyway, if you want to appear smart to other comic book nerds, you should be reading and raving about this comic book! But don't talk about it too much or you might reveal how stupid you are because this book is way smarter than all of us! Just say things like "The universal bridge of truth leads to the first step of this comic book!" or "If you aren't reading this comic book, we need to talk because I know we won't be talking about this comic book which is so far over my head that I don't want to expose my ignorance of everything that isn't Pokemon or Avengers!"

Superman #2

In this issue: Superman versus clouds.

The Review!
Don't think I'm going to easily forget that Pete and Pat killed Goldie the Cat last issue to manipulate the feelings of the readers! Goldie's death should be about Goldie and not about how Jon reacts to having killed Goldie! Godlie's death should not be a footnote in Jon's life! She was a person! Well, a cat! But that probably makes it even worse because cats are cute and adorable! I can't wait until my new website, Kittens in Refrigerators, is up and running so I can really lay into Peter J. Tomasi! What a jerk! By the way, this issue was as good as it could possibly be after having the entire series be ruined by the Goldie's death scene! So, you know, it was enjoyable! But I still hate you, Tomasi and Gleason! With burning rage! I will probably write a poem about it later!

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Superman and his son, Jon, flying out to help an Icebreaker caught in the ice. Well, well! You thought you had the perfect name for your ship, didn't you, Mister I Built The Icebreaker Ship! Now who has egg on their face? You! Not you the reader! You the person or people responsible for the Icebreaker! It was probably a whole team of scientists and engineers and warmongers who came up with the idea after the Titanic hit some ice and sank. I wonder if the hulls of Icebreaker ships are made out of teeth because my teeth can break ice like a champ!

It turns out the ship needing rescue is a submarine that broke through the ice and became damaged and the Icebreaker just sent out the distress call so I guess the egg is on somebody else's face now! I won't mention whose though because I wouldn't want to embarrass me. Although it's also possible that Tomasi, being a huge cat-killing jerk, thought Icebreakers were submarines and completely screwed up this entire story right from the start! I bet that's what happened because I like to believe that pet murdering jerks make stupid mistakes!

While Superman gloats about his victory to the crew of the submarine, a giant squid attacks! It must be after the uranium fuel! Jon watches off in the distance afraid that if he uses his heat vision to help, he'll kill all of the cats in the world.

The Squid is being controlled by some robotic attachment which makes sense because I didn't really think a giant squid was hungry for uranium. Although how do they get so big if it's not by eating uranium, hunh? Answer that! Not so stupid a thought now, is it?

But what about all of the cats ever?!

Superman teaches Jon how to concentrate his heat vision into a fine laser so that next time he has to save a cat from a tree, he doesn't burn down the forest and all of the cats too.

I don't think I've expressed my anger at Goldie's death enough yet! So here's another fuck you, Tomasi!

Oh, and by learning to use his heat vision, Jon destroys the technology controlling the squid and saves the day without killing any innocent creatures.

Superman gives Jon the talk. Not the one my parents never gave me so now I have no idea if I've ever had sex or not! The talk about how being Superman isn't about punching things into submission. He's all, "That was the other Superman! The one who didn't know any better! But we're good Supermen! We're not worried about fangenders thinking we're too powerful or that we're cosmic boy scouts! We do the right thing when the right thing needs to be done for the right reasons! And that's that!" And Jon says, "I killed the fucking cat, okay?! It was me! You knew I did it and you tricked me into admitting it and I hate you forever!" Unless he actually reacted like a good kid who feels ashamed for what he did and for lying about it too. That might be how he actually reacted but it's so foreign to me that I had to make up my own story at this point. Parents and kids just don't have sweet talks about real life! They scream and throw McDonald's pies at each other!

After Superman and Superboy leave, the remains of the robotic technology take samples of the plasma created by Superboy's heat vision and determine that there is a half-human, half-Kryptonian kid running around Earth. And it knows the kid is from the House of El! So it must be Brainiac since he knows so goddamned much.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH! Stop bonding over Goldie's death! I miss Judas so much!

The neighbor girl wanders out to sit in a tree with Jon and maybe sneak a kiss. It might not be behind the barn but on the cheek will do just as well. But Jon gets embarrassed and destroys the branch they're sitting on by clenching his super butt cheeks too tight. He knocks himself out from the fall so I guess his invulnerability hasn't kicked in too well yet. He's fire resistant but not knock to the head resistant, I guess.

Oh, and apparently Lois and Clark have changed their name again from "White" to "Smith". Creative!

Clark and Lois can't figure out why Jon could get a concussion when he's developed so many other powers. I bet it's because nobody wants another character that's overpowered! He needs to have some flaws! I guess concussions are going to be Jon's kryptonite.

And finally, the mystery DNA reader winds up being Eradicator. That makes sense because last issue's Next Blurb mentioned something about eradication. I just forgot because I was so angry about the death of Goldie. But I think I probably made a Squash joke about the Eradicator! That's a Kids in the Hall reference!

Justice League Rebirth #1

The Justice League are tired of us readers constantly asking for concrete continuity and modern updates of our favorite characters.

The Review!
If you haven't read Justice League Rebirth #1, you're missing out! Especially if you haven't read my commentary on Justice League Rebirth #1! So entertaining and enlightening that you will forget that Americans keep killing each other! Although you probably shouldn't forget that at all. You should probably rage against that. Or at least make people on your Facebook Friend's List uncomfortable with your opinions, posted as you wait in the Taco Bell drive-thru. As an added treat of unity and peace, the comments on this one aren't even behind a paywall! So magnanimous, you say? Oh, shucks! Don't embarrass me in front of my six paying followers who are reaping the benefits of my turns of phrase like "picking pubic hair out of fishnets" and "what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches toward Bethlehem to be born"? Classic Tess and/or Yeats!

The Commentary!
Why is Bryan Hitch allowed to write this comic book when he still hasn't finished Justice League of America? Or has he? Was JLA #8 the final issue? Did it resolve? I don't fucking remember!

Anyway, I guess this book is going to be how the Justice League learns of the Watchmen and eventually defeats them. Hopefully that will happen before editorial decides the DC Universe needs to be completely overhauled again.

This issue begins with Preboot Superman caught up in an existential quandary about the nature of the New 52 Earth. He seems to believe it's special in a way that the other infinite Earths were not. I guess he's correct because this is the Earth where 99% of the action has taken place over the last five years. It is special! If another Earth were more special, we'd be reading about that one, wouldn't we? So Superman has a pretty good point! Which, I believe, I can extrapolate to our Earth! It must be pretty special since it's the one that I live on! And being that I'm the most important person to ever exist and that everything was made in preparation of my existence, I can't see how any other place matters.

While Superman is lost in masturbatory thoughts about the universe and his existence, the Justice League are getting their butts kicked by space lice. Batman must totally be freaking out right now as he realizes how much they need Superman. Your Bat-pants aren't looking so big now, are they?!

Maybe stop counting them and start pummeling them, Flash! And since Cyborg's White Noise Cannon doesn't work, I guess he's useless here!

The space lice are sticking to everybody's faces and Batman decides the better plan is to remove them as they attach themselves to people. But he forgot what The Flash said about their being too many of them until he tries to pull one off of a victim and it won't come off. Then he's all, "Oh, you know what? There are too many of them! If only we had somebody on our team with a really ridiculous super power like Freeze Breath!"

Aquaman and Wonder Woman are attacking the space lice queen which is just an enormous space louse that's about as big as Manhattan. But even the Trident of Neptune and the Bolt of Zeus can't penetrate the space lice queen's hide! I think Wonder Woman is using the Bolt of Zeus wrong. Isn't it usually used more like a Ruffie? Did I spell that correctly? Do I care? I don't think I really need to brush up on my date rape vocabulary.

The people with space lice stuck to their face are headed back to the queen to be taken back to Planet Unwashed Hippie. Since the Justice League can't seem to stop the threat, they decide to deprive it of its victims via BOOM Tube.

According to Vic's own math in Justice League #8 (New 52 Version), every 1000th tube will open up on Apokolips instead of in New Jersey! Although, really, will anybody even notice? Burn!

Since Batman can't remove the space lice from the victims and Cyborg's only offensive wrist attachment is ineffective and The Flash isn't fast enough (this time! I guess he had a light breakfast) and Aquaman is, well, Aquaman, the Justice League needs a new plan!

I guess the Bolt of Zeus is going to come in handy after all! Dammit! I think that was a rape joke. I'm disgusting. Or am I? I think it's okay to continue to point out how rapey Zeus was, as long as you frame it as not having been okay. And to be sure, I totally disagree with turning into trees and swans and bulls just to fuck women. Not okay.

Meanwhile Lois continues to try to get Clark out of the house so she can read a book.

Lois: "They need you, you dum-dum! How is Batman going to destroy all of the space lice with batarangs?! You know you can just blow your stupid Freeze Breath all over the victims, regulating to a temperature which you know humans can easily withstand for short bursts but will probably be cold enough to seriously fuck up alien face parasites!"
Clark: "My Freeze Breath isn't stupid!"

Double meanwhile in China, Si and Jess are getting along great! Why can't they be like that in Green Lanterns!? Don't get me wrong! I don't want them to get along so great that they accidentally have sex! I just want them to be besties where they share their secret feelings about the rest of the Justice League and giggle with each other at the back of the room while Batman chairs Justice League meetings! Sort of like they do here in this comic book!

The rest of the Justice League have somehow made their way inside the space lice queen. I think the particulars were a bit too graphic but I could explain them to the younger readers in a PG way! It's like this: when mommy isn't feeling particularly frisky but daddy really, really wants to frisk mommy, daddy gets out his Bolt of Zeus and begins flashing it around. Then mommy becomes intrigued by and receptive to daddy's new powerful form which allows the Justice League to easily slip inside! Then lots of scary noises come from mommy and daddy's room while you lie in bed gripping Teddy so hard that his seams tear and his stuffing spurts out. Then things get more confusing because the scary banging and moaning are soon replaced by snoring and buzzing. Then mommy screams, the buzzing stops, and the earth grows quiet until the next time alien invaders try to penetrate earth's defenses.

The Watchtower doesn't simply have unisex bathrooms? No wonder Wonder Woman isn't fighting for more female representation on the team! She's got a toilet all to herself!

While inside the space lice queen, Cyborg says the word "connected" and Batman has a Gregory House epiphany! Batman is all, "Hey! Remember earlier in the Watchtower when I said everything was connected and that I don't believe in coincidence? Boy, that was dumb, wasn't it?! Not believing in coincidence is something an irrational person says! Of course I was sure to amend the whole 'I don't believe in coincidence' with 'not with something like this' because I didn't want to sound completely batshit insane! Get it? Batshit! Ha ha. Anyway, remember how I said that word 'connected' earlier? And we were talking about Superman! Which means we totally need Superman now to save the day! Nailed it! I'm a genius! Oh! And do you also remember that joke I told? The one where I said I trusted our Superman?! You got that was a joke, right? So funny! Imagine! Me! Trusting someone! Ha ha!"

Eventually they reach the space lice queen's brain without Superman's help! But before they can whisper directly into the brain that it doesn't want to invade Earth which will take place right before they realize brains don't have ears, Aquaman breaks down!

He just remembered he's Aquaman.

Aquaman can hear the space lice queen's thoughts so I guess it's aquatic. It turns out it's called a Reaper and it's time to harvest humanity. For some reason, I completely broke out in hives when I read the word "harvest". I wonder what that's about?!

More Reapers are headed to Earth so I guess Earth is fucked and it's only the first issue! Boy, I wish a true hero with Freeze Breath would show up and fix it already!

Simon and Jessica arrive just in time to be overshadowed by the arrival of Superman! Way to go, Superman! You saved the day with your heat vision! And your commanding presence! And not your Freeze Breath at all which I think is a big mistake because I would totally be using my Freeze Breath every chance I got! I'd be all, "Criminals! Freeze!" Then I'd be all, "WHOOOOOOOOOOO!" That's the sound of me blowing out cold air somehow. I don't have time to explain the biology of it! I just know it's stupid!

Just use more heat vision! Surely it's better than batarangs, lassos, and white noise!

Seriously though.

Oh Batman. My poor, poor underpowered Batman! I never understood the lure of using the acronym/abbreviation SMH until this moment.

The Justice League stand next to the brain of the Reaper and threaten it. They tell it to tell all of the other Reapers that if they try to invade Earth, they'll get more batarangs to the brain stem! So the Reaper groggily flies back into space wondering what just happened, probably due to the lingering effects of the Bolt of Zeus. Hopefully it will warn the other Reapers that Earth is full of date raping bro-dudes and to avoid it at all costs.

I wonder if the Reaper was built by an island of geniuses who were subsequently killed after the project was finished? This whole space alien landing in New York was familiar on purpose, right? Because this is the beginning of the Watchmen's threat to this continuity? Is that what just happened?