This issue exists for no reason. None. Nothing happens. Well, mostly nothing happens. Terry Long cries like a fucking pusshole for most of it. What an asshole.
Friday, June 3, 2016
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Superman Rebirth #1
I guess Preboot Superman left his underwear in another Earth.
This issue exists as the period on New 52 Superman's death. It's a big, heavy period that is meant to finalize his death and reassure everybody that he is not going to come back in some surprise twist like last time. Don't even think New 52 Superman is coming back because he isn't! He's totally dead! Completely dead. Dead dead dead dead. Super dead. Not even Flash can ruin time by bringing him back to life dead. Well, okay, maybe that one can still happen in a few years when DC fucks up this whole surprise twist where the Watchmen installed a glory hole into the DC Universe and fucked it raw. I get that DC wants everybody to know for certain that New 52 Superman is gone and the universe is definitely changing but I don't know if this DC Press Release was really worth paying $2.99 for. Aren't they usually free?! I mean free in that I don't have to pay for them. I don't mean free in getting the release without Comic Book Resources spraying their jizzy opinions all over whatever DC says. That's a kind of free I generally avoid.
The Commentary!
Now can we learn the name of Superman and Lois's cat? I'm getting really fucking upset about the lack of cat details in this comic book!
The issue begins with Preboot Superman thinking, "'All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.' I live and breathe that quote with all my heart. I bet you did, too." My reaction was to scoff at first and think, "Great! You expect me to lift a finger to stop evil? Get out of here!" Then when he said, "I bet you did, too," I got super annoyed and yelled at a fictional character before I realized he's addressing Dead Superman. Speaking of stopping evil, I would actually prefer that good men do nothing because most men who believe they're good are fucking holier-than-thou assholes. I'm throwing my lot in with the evil people.
Preboot Superman is currently visiting Dead Superman's grave and he suspects that Dead Superman is actually Regaining Power While In A Krypton Healing Coma Superman. I don't think it works the same way on this Earth as it worked on the old Earth that existed back in 1992. Who needs New 52 Superman coming back to life when we've got plenty of other choices now? New 52 Superman was a dick.
Preboot Superman finds Lana Lang robbing Superman's crypt because he wanted his body...er, I mean, his pile of dust buried next to his parents in Smallville Cemetary [sic]. But Preboot Superman is all, "Hold on there, little lady! Give the man some time to return to life the way I did after Doomsday punched me to death in the most improbable death ever. Sure, he punched me a lot of times which is probably why I died. But he punched Booster Gold once too! Why didn't his head fly off?! Even with his stupid lousy forcefield? In case you didn't know, being from this different Earthand all, Doomsday was a monster who wore biker shorts. Oh, I know what you're saying. Anybody who wears biker shorts is a monster! You might be right, miss."
Apparently Preboot Superman was also visiting Superman's grave to steal his pile of dust. This comic is kind of morbid! They break into Supergirl's Fortress of Solitude and discover New 52 Superman never possessed the Kryptonian artifacts needed to bring him back to life. That's probably because he didn't have as many adventures as Preboot Superman had. Plus most of his adventures were with Toymaster and Lana Lang. He really should have gotten out more.
That wasn't meant to be as kinky as it sounds, was it?
The New Titans #80 (November 1991)
Look at me with another Collector’s Issue! What a smart investment!
More of that bullshit where people from the future are sent into the past to change the past so that the future never happens. I’d rather a writer just confessed that they didn’t have any good ideas rather than pulling this fucking bullshit.
I mean, this is super exciting time travel stuff! The Teen Titans have been sent back in time to kill Donna Troy before she can give birth to Lord Chaos who will age into a twenty-eight year old despot as soon as he’s born and take over the world! They really don’t want to kill Donna but they can’t think of any other way to defeat Lord Chaos. Don’t they know about abortions in 2001? Oh, um, that was the future when this was published in 1991!
More of that bullshit where people from the future are sent into the past to change the past so that the future never happens. I’d rather a writer just confessed that they didn’t have any good ideas rather than pulling this fucking bullshit.
I mean, this is super exciting time travel stuff! The Teen Titans have been sent back in time to kill Donna Troy before she can give birth to Lord Chaos who will age into a twenty-eight year old despot as soon as he’s born and take over the world! They really don’t want to kill Donna but they can’t think of any other way to defeat Lord Chaos. Don’t they know about abortions in 2001? Oh, um, that was the future when this was published in 1991!
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Green Lanterns Rebirth #1
The pseudo-monocle makes Jessica feel classy.
The new Green Lanterns book is going to be all about teamwork! But not good teamwork! Oh no! This is more like your homophobic uncle in a three legged race with your campy brother-in-law! It's going to be full of fireworks between the good guys! That's the kind of exciting drama that really sells comic books. Who wants to read about heroes getting along? Fuck that nonsense! Imagine heroes striving for a peaceful world while actually being kind and peaceful to their peers? Ludicrous! Although since Simon and Jessica are, presumably, heterosexual and of opposite sexes, there might actually be a Moonlighting vibe being set up in this book. Will they or won't they? Ooh! I'm all in a quiver from the tense hate-love soon to be bred between these too! Nothing more romantic than a good hate-fuck! I hope they have racist sex talk while fucking! "Bomb my vagina, you terrorist!" "Tend to my garden, you...wait. You are Portuguese, right?"
The Commentary!
I was just thinking, "Earth doesn't have enough of a disproportionate amount of Green Lanterns in the universe!" So thank goodness for this book! I suppose Earth deserves more Green Lanterns than other planets because the creatures of other planets tend to be homogenized. Earth has people of different sexes and religions and cultures and races and intelligence levels and fashion senses and sexualities! It's as if every other planet in the DC Universe has been modeled incorrectly! Why is Earth so different?! Occasionally you'll have a planet elsewhere in the DC Universe that has two warring factions but that's about it. Or if the planet has many different types of humanoids, it's usually because they're all off-planet visitors and most of them are thugs and/or assassins. But while making Lobo a Green Lantern pretty much represents Czarnia (I mean, the females were practically just like the males anyway, if I'm going to judge by Sheba (who only made one brief appearance in the New 52 but it was enough for me to judge her as simply the female Lobo!)), Earth can have a white jock Lantern and a white dick Lantern and a black architect (who is also a marine!) Lantern and a white comic book artist lantern and a Muslim gun-toting Lantern and a Hispanic female Lantern, and Earth still needs more representation in its Lanterns! Fucking Earth. What a pain in the ass. I won't be happy until there's an Australian Aboriginal Lantern. Who better to manipulate the Light Energy than a master of the Dreamtime?
This issue begins with a Red Lantern cataloging the different human Lanterns like I just did! I should have just read the first page before starting my commentary because then I could have simply replaced that first paragraph with a scan! My guess is the Red Lantern narrating the book is Bleez because I think I read in some advertisement or back-up feature that Bleez was going to cause trouble in the Green Lanterns' world. I would rather it be Dex-Starr since Dex is also from Earth. Dex deserves to be in this book as much as any other Earth Lantern!
Currently, one of the last remaining Guardians--probably one of the Bohemian ones since Sinestro killed the mainstream ones--is being chased through space by a bunch of Dominators. He carries a box with a new ring inside of it! I wonder what color this one will be. Will it be the fabled Magenta Ring of my imagination?! The one destined to be worn by a tween girl into ponies and roleplaying?! Oh! Maps should get to wear it! I don't know if she's into ponies but I can let that part of the prophecy go if Maps suddenly wore the most powerful weapon in all of creation, the Magenta Ring!
The Guardian is headed to Earth with his new ring that, according to its display of power, has a whole new symbol! Probably the Magenta symbol. Hopefully the secret will be revealed before this comic book ends. I have my doubts because Geoff Johns is the co-writer. So it might take anywhere from five to ten years to discover what this is all about. Then again, Johns isn't writing the regular Green Lanterns book, so he might want to make sure the secret gets revealed this issue so he can take credit for how amazing it is.
Jessica Cruz and Simon Baz have yet to meet but since they're the main characters of this comic book, it's time to change that.
Has Simon even spent enough time around Guy to feel this way about him? He's been relegated to the background's background since the day after he first made his debut.
The crashed ship the Green Lanterns are investigating houses a Manhunter! Oh no! Did you know that no man escapes the Manhunters?! I hope Jessica Cruz doesn't use that tired fucking thing where she'll be all, "But I'm no man!" As if we don't all understand what the Manhunter means by the all-encompassing term of "man". Stop winning major battles due to semantics, women!
Of course the Manhunter attacks! Why do you think it's called a Manhunter? I mean, I guess Martian Manhunter has the same name and he doesn't go around attacking men (and women!) willy nilly.
Why does that deserve a warning? The Green Lanterns get power boosts from Blue Lanterns all the time and everything is hunky-dory!
Hal Jordan doesn't like how Simon and Jessica bicker. I don't either! How dare Simon judge Guy Gardner and then act exactly like him, demanding seniority and declaring himself the main Green Lantern of Earth! Hal Jordan merges their Power Batteries so that they have to recharge their rings together. I don't know if that's just asking for future trouble or it's super kinky.
Being rookies, Simon and Jessica need training. But since the Corps is still missing and Sinestro is still causing problems for Hal, the two new Lanterns will need some help from the Justice League.
How come Wonder Woman has to be turned away from the reader's gaze? Oh wait! I know why! Because Ed Benes is drawing this and he saw a good ass opportunity!
Green Arrow Rebirth #1
Green Arrow's new sidekick is a Traci Lords blow-up doll?
Ben Percy's Green Arrow is a message from a white guy who desperately needs validation as an ally of...well, whoever needs an ally, I guess! I suppose he sees a lot of himself in the character he's writing. Green Arrow wants to help but feels, because of birth and circumstance, he's somehow outside the movement for social change. But he's still going to use the tools he has to help! Green Arrow uses his gadget arrows and Percy uses his sledgehammer. I mean his writing pen! He just utilizes his pen like a hammer. I can see a lot of ways in which I might begin liking this comic book but first Percy has to get out his dictionary and look up the word "subtle." Then he should read the entry. Then he should reread the entry. Then he should write five thousand times, "Racism is bad," just to get the need to keep saying that in the comic books out of his system. I suppose if he reaches one person who didn't know racism was bad when they picked up this comic book, he's done his job! I just wish he'd do his job better and be more entertaining. Still, this is a step in the right direction because there could be some fucking in it soon.
The Commentary!
I'm not sure I can handle another Green Arrow story where I learn racism is bad. Percy is beating me over the head with it so much that I'm beginning to rebel against the idea! I'm beginning to think, "Percy's writing is bland and uninteresting which means I'm probably racist!" I was once called a racist by a complete stranger so maybe I am! A black guy asked me for a dollar while I was walking my bike off campus at San Jose State years ago. I said I didn't have any money and he called me a racist. I replied, "Whatever you want to think." And he replied with "What did you say?" and began coming at me. I just got on my bike and left. I suppose I could see his point. I was coming off of a hoity toity state college campus with a beat-to-shit rusty ten speed I was borrowing from my mom and yet I still refused to give him a dollar? I can't believe that guy thought I was racist because I didn't give him a dollar! Sure, I thought he was a dirty vagabond that probably had mental health issues whom I was a little bit afraid of! But his skin tone didn't have anything to do with any of those thoughts! Those were just my usual lower middle class biases against itinerants!
I don't mind being called names, not even a racist. Because I just think back to the great words of the mighty Blue Falcon: "Taking offense at thoughtless words is juvenile!" That's also a strong argument to disregard me if you're a creator whom I bash in my reviews! These are just thoughtless words! Most of them really thoughtless!
The issue begins reminding readers that Rebirth is a change of tune and an acceptance that characters are not what they were but are now what they were. I mean...well, you know what I mean. I think. Anyway, the first two pages make sure to point out that Oliver Queen is once more a liberal minded protector of the downtrodden with a goatee. In other words, New 52 Oliver Queen is no more! We're back to the Oliver Queen who doesn't mind giving a dirty street urchin hundred dollar bills.
This sums up Percy's run on Green Arrow nicely. Love me, Tumblr! Love me!
Despise me, Tumblr! Despise me!
Black Canary is in Seattle for something music related, probably. And while in Seattle, she discovered a homeless kid in a sewer who needed her help. She and Ollie take the kid back to Ollie's place to get him cleaned up and discover that his mother was taken by people who live in the sewers. Oh no. Is Seattle going to get a huge, nonsensical underground empire like Gotham? I think there are already too many similarities between Green Arrow and Batman. Although a Court of Owls would be more fitting in Seattle than Gotham, I think. Also Seattle does have a weird underground city thing going on. Although I don't think it's full of Mole Men.
Forget the New 52 Green Arrow you may have become accustomed to because he's dead and gone! And good riddance, I tell you! Even if the new Green Arrow is going to beat me over the head with how fucking problematic I am, I'm glad to see the old one go. Black Canary makes sure to mention that Green Arrow has a reputation among the other heroes of "loud-mouthing [his] moral outrage, complaining about elitism, racism, cronyism, conservatism, any -ism, all the isms." So feminism too?! What a jerkbro! She mentions all of this to point out that he's a hypocrite because a white man with loads of money obviously can't be against bad things. Although is conservatism really bad? Sure, some aspects of a philosophy that wants to remain in a traditional vain will certainly butt up against forward change. But that isn't all conservatism is! I'm having a hard time coming up with some of its positive qualities but I'm sure there are some!
I hope Green Arrow tells Black Canary how he spent a week as a Werewolf and now he knows what it's like to be a minority! That'll shut her up!
Yeah! How dare you make wild, baseless accusations against her based on gossip and hearsay! She'd never do that to...oh wait. Never mind.
The homeless camp (which is basically an Ewok village on the edge of Seattle) is suddenly overrun by Moloids. Black Canary says one of the stupidest lines a comic book character has ever said ("This is what it sounds like when your ears bleed." With a period. If that didn't deserve an exclamation point, what does?!) and Green Arrow pauses for a moment to feel his heart go pitter patter.
The Moloids are having a slave auction later, so Green Arrow and Black Canary decide to team up and fuck after they stop the auction. It's underground because Gotham isn't the only city that gets to have a vast, unimaginable network of caves causing constant sinkholes and the inevitable collapse of the city. Although that's frankly exactly how Seattle is! Underground ruins and a failing infrastructure!
"I thought I would do something that everybody is doing because it was popularized in a movie so I could figure out the unique person I truly am!"
I wasn't serious about Seattle having its own Court of Owls, dammit!
"I don't know who you are or what you're doing but I'm going to completely debase you." Sounds like a Twitter Mob attack. I guess Ollie really is a Social Justice Warrior.
Batman Rebirth #1
I don't actually know if I like this book because I haven't read it yet. I really hope to like it. I go into everything with the expectation that I will enjoy it. Okay, not everything but then I don't count comic books I don't enjoy simply because I read all of DC's books, good or bad. So some of those I know I will hate. Although I do often pick up the newest Scott Lobdell book and think, "This is it! This is the one where Lobdell finally brings some passion to the characters! This is the one that will drive me to apologize to him for all of the nasty comics fueled by hours of reading his inane drivel!" Usually if I know I don't like something, I simply avoid it. I have no need to attack things I don't like simply because they're there. You know, like gun lovers who follow gun control tags on Tumblr. What fucking Douchéstorks those twerps are. Real lack of self-esteem jerkbros! Anyway, I feel like the majority of people who feel the need to express their opinions have replaced critical thinking with simply hating on shit. They think that deconstructing a work means pointing out why it's gross and problematic. I always felt one of the best times to deconstruct something was when it seemed inexplicable or terrible. That's when you pull out your Deconstruction Toolbox and get to work asking the question, "How can I find the silver lining in this?" Too often people just conclude something is trash because they initially didn't like or understand it. Or, and the internet has made this a widespread phenomenon, people simply react to a thing based on the reviews and word of mouth they've heard and/or read about that thing. No matter how entertaining it is when I tear out the asshole of a shitty comic book, just know that I'd much rather be enjoying the book. Also try and notice that I'm not above acting like something I'm thoroughly enjoying is garbage, if I think what I'm writing is funny. What I'm trying to say is my reviews should not be depended upon and are barely reviews anyway. Take this first paragraph as an example. It has nothing to do with Batman Rebirth #1! And my next paragraph isn't going to get us any closer to beginning the book either!
The Commentary!
It's that time of year here in Portland, Oregon, where I can once again enjoy reading comic books outside! I practically have to because I live on the top floor unit of an older house and the attic has no ventilation system. So it fills up with hot air so that the entire place is sweltering well into the wee hours. I often lie on the couch sweating profusely pretending that I have the flu so that something makes sense. The owner and property manager have ignored all of my yearly requests for a ventilation system in the attic. One day, I will burn those motherfuckers.
Tom King is the new writer on Batman and I'm pretty fucking excited about it. Not only because The Omega Men was my favorite DC Comics book from the last year (which reminds me! I still have to read the last issue! But first, I must read the Afterbirth books!) but because Tom King doesn't clutter up his comic books with fucking Narration Boxes! He lets the art tell the part of the story that the art is there to tell! Some people enjoy Narration Boxes but I think they're crutches for idiots who need everything spelled out explicitly. "Not knowing what Batman is thinking is too ambiguous for me! Tell me exactly why he's doing that thing he's doing! Don't make me interpret the story with my own mind! The universe has meaning!" Bah!
The issue begins with Alfred out picking avocados when Duke Thomas stops by to inquire about the Robin opening.
That's Alfred's serial killer hand! This is symbolic! It's picking the forbidden fruit! I think it's mostly forbidden because do avocados grow on the upper East Coast?
Later it's summer! The perfect time of year to do one-handed pull-ups hanging from a helicopter pad hundreds of feet in the sky! I wonder if Superman is ever jealous that Batman's alter ego is a sexy motherfucker constantly getting laid while he chose a clumsy journalist who seems to be a closeted homosexual with a thing for Superman, judging by his op-eds.
Did I forget to mention Bruce is in tiny, tight-fitting shorts?
Probably.
Come fall, Calendar Man has his winter face on. See?! I knew he wasn't the same old gimmicky moron! I was like, "This is a modern comic book! No way can anybody get away with a Calendar Man who simply changes costume based on the season! Or commits crimes based on the days of the week (however that works)! This is a cosmic Calendar Man! A mystic Calendar Man! A Calendar Man that is in inextricably linked to the seasons!" According to Bruce, Calendar Man is speeding up the seasons. Um, what? Does that mean he's sped up Earth's orbit around the sun? Because that's the only way that's going to happen! I won't accept any other comic book reason for how it was Spring on Monday and Fall on Wednesday! That's just...well, it is a comic book. I suppose I can accept whatever it tells me. I mean, the cover has a guy in a bat mask, for Christ's sake.
Batman has a new suit for Duke Thomas. It's bright yellow so I'm guessing he wants Duke Thomas to patrol the city with him as a bullet magnet. Duke is all, "Cool!" Dum-dum!
Duke's first job as Batman's new Yellow Canary partner is to count to two hundred and forty. I hope he can do it!
Not only does he do it, he counts one hundred numbers over his target! Whoa!
Calendar Man molts every winter and returns better than before. Duke asks how he and Batman can keep up with that kind of advantage! Batman doesn't say, "Look. He's fucking Calendar Man. He started as such a super shitty villain that he's going to have to Rebirth millions of times before he can even hold a candle to the Jeezlycrow Batman!"
The issue ends with Alfred discarding the forbidden fruit into the Bathole. See! I knew it was symbolic! The fruit is rotten because Calendar Man forced the change in seasons and the tree didn't have time to make a proper avocado! Much like the editors at DC forced things too quickly with The New 52 and had to eventually throw it all away! Maybe!
This issue isn't subtle with its meta-textual commentary on Rebirth and comic book companies' penchant for rebooting. Endless cycles repeating, characters being reborn and updating to be a better fit with the times, seasons passing in days because only twelve comic books come out in a year! Maybe that last one doesn't have anything to do with rebooting. That's just the weirdness of time in comic books. But it still manages to comment on time and continuity within comic books. Continuity is impossible to keep straight when you have six month story arcs where only a few days pass in one comic book while another comic book has three stories in the same time with many months passing. Time in comic books is fucked and if you're so die-hard that you have to make it all work, you're eating rotten avocados. Just let it go, man. Let it fucking go.
The New Titans Annual #7 (1991)
Peterson: “You know what would be great, Marv?”
Wolfman: “A handjob?”
Peterson: “No! I mean, of course! But later! No, what I was thinking was a great new original story idea!”
Wolfman: “Does it have my Titans in it? Because I’d really like to get the Titans back into the story. It’s been ten months and only Nightwing as a Wildebeest and Cyborg as a braindead toaster have appeared! I miss writing jokes!”
Peterson: “Come on, Marv! Your best joke is Gar calling Cyborg a rust bucket and Cyborg calling Gar Saladhead! Comics have moved on, baby! They need drama! They need time travel! They need X-men! I mean, young super heroes working together to stop the past from becoming the future by time traveling!”
Wolfman: “You do know you aren’t working for Marvel, right? I know it can get confusing.”
Peterson: “Babe, you’re just going to have to grow with the business. This is the way things are now! The world loving heroes is out! People fearing heroes is in, Tight-Crotch! Change or move over, Beardy!”
Wolfman: “Well, can I at least give one of the Team Titans characters a rapey backstory?”
Peterson: “Of course! That’s practically mandatory, Sweet Nuts!”
Wolfman: “A handjob?”
Peterson: “No! I mean, of course! But later! No, what I was thinking was a great new original story idea!”
Wolfman: “Does it have my Titans in it? Because I’d really like to get the Titans back into the story. It’s been ten months and only Nightwing as a Wildebeest and Cyborg as a braindead toaster have appeared! I miss writing jokes!”
Peterson: “Come on, Marv! Your best joke is Gar calling Cyborg a rust bucket and Cyborg calling Gar Saladhead! Comics have moved on, baby! They need drama! They need time travel! They need X-men! I mean, young super heroes working together to stop the past from becoming the future by time traveling!”
Wolfman: “You do know you aren’t working for Marvel, right? I know it can get confusing.”
Peterson: “Babe, you’re just going to have to grow with the business. This is the way things are now! The world loving heroes is out! People fearing heroes is in, Tight-Crotch! Change or move over, Beardy!”
Wolfman: “Well, can I at least give one of the Team Titans characters a rapey backstory?”
Peterson: “Of course! That’s practically mandatory, Sweet Nuts!”
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