Aquaman #43

In this issue, we'd better find out that Mera is under the influence of the Thules or this shit makes no sense. Unless Aquaman fucked Ya'wara.

Recently I scanned in a picture from Justice League of America #2 where Aquaman points out that Rao is a piece of shit god and gods don't actually exist and religion is stupid. I then captioned it with "And just like that, Aquaman is my favorite hero." Or something. I just want everybody to know that that didn't really make Aquaman my favorite hero, okay? Even if that was the most bad-ass thing ever said by a character in a comic book, it still wouldn't make up for years of Aquaman trying desperately to be serious and liked by all of the fanboys. See, I don't hate Aquaman. I hate Aquaman since around the time he had that four issue mini-series sometime in the mid-80s. It was the one where he got his new suit that looked like water. I won't say I hated him during the time Peter David was writing him but I was hurt that he was turning his back on silly, whimsical, giant seahorse riding Aquaman to become a darker, grimmer king of the sea. I want the Aquaman that causes fanboys to mock him as being the guy who talks to fish. Well, that's his main power. He should talk with fish. And when I say "talk," I mean talk. I don't mean command them to throw their lives away at his expense. I mean he should have a discussion with them and ask if they'll help him defeat Black Manta yet again. Then he should have to owe them a favor so that sometime during some huge Justice League cosmic crisis, he'd turn to Batman in the middle of the battle and be all, "Oh shit. There's something I have to take care of!" Then he'll rush off to the ocean to play midwife to a pod of whales while the universe is on the brink of destruction. Because he promised and he's the King of Atlantis and he must keep his promises or everything in his kingdom will fall apart.

That's the Aquaman I'd like to see. The Aquaman I don't want to see? This one currently being written by His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire. This Aquaman isn't Aquaman at all. I guess Cullen Bunn couldn't think up a story where Aquaman speaks with fish. So instead, he gave Aquaman a shitload of super powers. Now Aquaman can freeze things in ice and make pillars of rock shoot out of the ground and teleport. What editor thought that was a good idea? That's like DC Comics having a press conference and declaring once and for all that they also think Aquaman is a useless piece of garbage. Apparently he's not an exciting enough hero if he's just speaking with fish and acting morose. He's also got to have new super powers and be on the run from Atlantis and be hated by his fiance as well. This Aquaman blows. I like the Aquaman that tells priests to suck it!

Last issue, Aquaman is all, "I have to go stop the incursion and I don't want you to come. Stay and reign over Atlantis!" Now he's all, "Never mind! You should be at my side when I tell the Atlanteans about the change of plans because you know how much they've come to love and trust you even though they hated you right up until ten minutes ago when I told them not to hate you." So then Mera is all, "Fuck that, you traitor!"

Mera decides that talking is the wrong way to go about having a conversation so she pins Arthur to the wall with her water powers. Then she points out how Aquaman made her Queen of Atlantis so she has to protect Atlantis. The way to protect Atlantis, I suppose, is to beat the shit out of the guy who's supposed to be saving it. But see, it's okay to beat him up now because he doesn't plan on saving Atlantis immediately. He'd rather save some innocent Atlanteans from another bloodline before he destroys the place they're currently held captive. Mera rightly realizes that that would cause harm to her new kingdom so she threatens the only person who can save her new kingdom which seems like it could harm her new kingdom which means maybe she should be attacking herself? Logic is hard.

Sodomizing your fiance with a trident is a pretty hefty cost though.

This makes sense because Mera is obviously under the influence of the Thule invaders. The comic is more dramatic if Mera is brainwashed into hating Aquaman even if that's the kind of thing that happens in comic books every time you turn around. It must be a really good plot twist since it gets used so much.

Back in the present, Aquaman and Garth seem to have come to a truce since an ancient juggernaut has awakened and is threatening to smash them both into fishy smelling jelly.

Yay! We all came to an agreement! Pump your fists in the air!

Aquaman has another flashback where Extriax the Wizard from Old Atlantis is all, "Dudebro. Your people suck." So then Aquaman tells a joke about Mera's violent temper and isn't at all concerned about his people turning against him. I don't know how he can laugh off being attacked by Mera! Unless he realizes she's not really mad at him. She's just under the control of some monster from Thule and probably in serious danger. Oh well! Time to go save some Old Atlanteans while not dealing with the Mera problem at all. There's no time to deal with that! It'll be much quicker to save the Old Atlanteans while the New Atlanteans are constantly trying to assassinate Arthur. Plus remember how Thule is dipping their toe in the water? That's like a timer counting down to zero. Shit has to happen fast!

Aquaman points out (back in the present while fighting alongside King Shark) that his new powers also consist of controlling storms. Just call in some fucking flying fish or something, hunh?! Maybe get some Mudskippers in here so that the juggernaut will slip on them and break its back! Anything except suddenly being DC's briny version of Thor.

And back in the present, we discover how he got all of his new powers and then I have to go pick up the comic book from the floor near where I threw it against the wall.

And just like that, Aquaman is my least favorite hero

I realize that Bryan Hitch's Justice League of America is taking place in some other dimension but didn't Aquaman just say in that comic book that he doesn't believe in Poseidon? And now here he is with his fish tail between his legs asking the sea god for help? It's so embarrassing! Like when I pray to Jesus Christ that my downstairs neighbor dies in a drunk driving accident. I mean, I don't believe in Jesus Christ at all so why would I think he'd help me murder anyone?!

Poseidon tells Arthur all about Thule and how they're a coven of witches who caused strife in Old Atlantis until Atlan sent them packing. They fled into another dimension just behind our dimension where they've been up to no good for centuries. Aquamn gets all pissy that Poseidon didn't do anything to save the Atlanteans enslaved by the Thule and then Poseidon screams back at Arthur that he "did as a god pleases!" And then he gives Arthur a fuck-ton of super powers to help him defeat Thule. Because I guess that's something else that pleases a god.

Back to the present, Aquaman cannot defeat the juggernaut with mere godly powers. But he knows how to speak with fish! So he uses that power to call forth Topo or some other kraken or something that doesn't actually exist even in a super hero comic book so that it can destroy the juggernaut. It's about fifty times bigger than the juggernaut and rips the thing apart which makes me wonder why Aquaman did everything else before calling forth his monster up his sleeve. I guess he just wanted to show off his new lightning power.

After the fight, Garth is all, "Okay! Cool. Me and my fish gang will just go now. We didn't really want to fight you anyway." Watching the fight from her hidden lair is Siren. She's the person that has been pretending to be Mera and is working with Thule and is also apparently Mera's twin sister Hila or something. So it's as I pointed out earlier. Mera is in danger and all Arthur could do was make some fucking jokes about it. You'd think his main priority would be to find out why Mera was acting so fucking weird because it would totally make sense that she's being influenced by Thule. I guess he's just stupid.

Aquaman #43 Rating: No change. I once read a story one time where there was no evil twin and the entire time I was reading it, I kept thinking, "But where's the evil twin? Shouldn't there be an evil twin?!" So when Mera's evil twin appeared, I was all, "Totally knew it was going to turn out to be an evil twin even though I never speculated about an evil twin in my reviews because I totally didn't want to spoil it for anybody." So now that it's been revealed that Mera was instantly captured by the enemies of Atlantis immediately after Arthur gave her authority to rule over the kingdom, I can say, "I told you so," right? I totally knew Mera couldn't handle the responsibility! If you've been reading Aquaman since the beginning of The New 52, you may have been thinking, "She's totally competent and will totally do a kick ass job of ruling Atlantis because she even has more confidence than Aquaman himself!" But you would have been forgetting that His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire took over the writing duties of this comic book and decided that Aquaman and Mera should be completely different people than they were before he began writing this comic book. How could you have forgotten that when you were thinking Mera would make a decent Queen? Amateur!

Prez #3

How adorable is Corndog Girl?

I've always had a secret fantasy about being an adorable, perky, cute young girl. It's probably why I was so into Sailor Moon during college. Sometimes I'm not sure if I have a crush on somebody like Corndog Girl or if I just really wish I could be Corndog Girl. Because it's not like I would want to date her or have sex with her or do much more than just look at her and read her comic book adventures. But I definitely would love to be her and then sit in my room for a week exploring my adorable body. So I'm basically doing something worse than objectifying her. I want to be her so that I can ravage myself!

When I think of the weirdness created by sexuality and crushes and growing up and just plain enjoying some cute aspect of another person, I can't help but think of Michelle Trachtenberg. If I watch something like old episodes of Degrassi Junior High, my crush on fourteen year old Caitlin isn't gross because I was fourteen years old back when the show aired. I'm reliving the nostalgia of the crush. Now that she's a forty year old woman, I have a crush on the forty year old Stacie Mistysyn. But I was in my early twenties when I discovered Michelle Trachtenberg on The Adventures of Pete and Pete. Not in a weird pedo way! I thought she was cute and hilarious and adorable! I saw Harriet the Spy because this kid charmed the pants off of me. Then I discovered she was in Buffy one season and I was happy to see Nona was continuing to get work. And now I see her and she's an adorable and sexy grown-ass adult and it's weird because I can't not see that little girl in the cast. It's also weird because I just wish I were Michelle Trachtenberg! Unless that's not weird? That's probably not weird, right?

Um, anyway, last issue, Corndog Girl was elected to the presidency of the United States. Also her father died which is too bad because she could probably have done something about his Cat Flu as the president. We were also introduced to Carl the End-of-Life Bear which is a brilliant idea and would go a long way to cure everyone's fear of death. Unless it just increases everybody's fear of bears.

This issue begins (right after a few pages portraying Smiley Enterprises as an unfeeling, horrible corporation which seems a bit unfair, really) with the President-Elect taking meetings with people suddenly super interested in Corndog Girl.

Based on this alone, she's the best president the United States will ever have.

Prez Rickard stops by to run off the venture capitalist and then usher Beth out of Eugene and into the real world where hemp bracelets can't be used as a down payment on college text books. Rickard is going to be Corndog Girl's vice-president as insurance against assassination since nobody in power wants Rickard in control of anything. He's the comic book version of Bernie Sanders, I guess.

This is how I've always thought of work. Not as how much I'm making but in how much time they're stealing from me. Now that I have my own business, I'm stealing from myself. Fucking bastard.

Manny, an employee of Boss Smiley (who was speaking in that panel up there), is turning out to be a main character or something. It's possible he was in a previous issue but since I didn't develop a crush on him, I can't remember. He'll probably become a member of Beth's cabinet since the scene after Manny goes home with a hurt ankle, betraying Boss Smiley's loyalty for his own concerns over his health, Prez Rickard tells Beth that she can actually fill her presidential cabinet with smart people instead of people to whom she owes favors.

I wonder if Neils deGrasse Tyson knows he's in this comic book?

One thing I find strange about how much Americans seem to hate smart people whom they constantly label as arrogant is that the smart people are usually overly polite and kind even in the face of blatant stupidity. Sagan. Tyson. Bill Nye. Also they're so smart that they can burn the fuck out of somebody without the person realizing how insulted they should suddenly feel. Maybe that's why they get called arrogant? If I were in their position, I'd have a worse reputation as a know-it-all dickface than Richard Dawkins.

Even if this is the version of Gargamel that just needed some mashed up smurf juice so he could turn shit into gold, the premise still holds true.

Meanwhile there's some satire about how dumb Americans are. Although is that really satire at this point?

Manny loses his job because he doesn't take big enough shits to justify his bathroom breaks. That Boss Smiley is a real hard-ass!

And then it's time for the inauguration where Beth meets her biggest government rival, Senator Old Guy Who Has Been Plotting Her Demise!

Oh Beth Ross! If you don't win over the hearts and minds of comic book fans everywhere, comic book fans everywhere have no hearts and minds.

The Bible which Senator Thorn uses to swear Beth into the presidency is Mark Russell's book, God is Disappointed In You. That would work for me. Any book would work for me since the whole swearing on some random holy book means about as much as swearing on a Judy Blume novel.

After Beth is officially the president, she gives a speech that would shame nearly every actual elected government official if they were capable of feeling shame. Then some Open Carry asshole tries to kill her but he's turned into a red smear on the sidewalk because Anonymous hacked into the security bot that was, to Senator Thorn's knowledge, going to be just for show. Suck it, Senator!

And lastly, Beth's grandma sends her a Sexy Frog as a gift for her new job.

Prez #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. This is an entertaining book that didn't go the route I completely thought it was going to go based on how DC Comics believes "young and hip" stories should be told. You know, throw in a lot of last week's slang and tons of references to doing things online. Instead of trying to be glitzy cool, it's smart and funny and a shame it's only going to be a limited run and missed by a lot of people. I hope word of mouth helps Prez sell a ton of Trades when it's collected because I'd love for this series to be extended into a whole mess of six shots. That would be a good format for DC to continue to use. I'd feel more confident buying a Prez six issue series than picking up a continuously running Superman comic book because it would assure me that an actual story with a beginning, middle, and end is being told. Continuous comics will always, at some point, meander into boring territory or horrible story lines. But if a comic book pitch for a six shot is accepted for publication, it usually means the story impressed enough people to take a chance on it. I hope DC Comics takes a lot of chances on Mark Russell's Beth Ross because this is some fun and intelligent story telling. I think it's what the kids were calling "some sick shit right here" a few weeks ago? Um, also the art is fantastic! Sorry, Ben, if it seems at times I'm ignoring you but realize you're at least 60% of the reason I have a crush on Corndog Girl.

The New Teen Titans #17 (February 1986)

The Titans fail to stop Blackfire from taking over Tamaran. Dick fails to admit he loves Kory and Kory fails to not marry a man she doesn’t love. Jericho stands around dumbfounded (not an insensitive pun. He really is fucking dumbfounded at Dick’s ability to channel Bruce in this issue).

Number of Issues Where The Teen Titans Do Something Heroic: 1 for 17. I’m tempted to subtract that one because they failed so hard this issue. But for Cyborg’s sake (the only guy to really have saved anybody in a situation that doesn’t involve a Teen Titan family member so far in this series), I’ll let them keep the one heroic memory.

Justice League 3001 #3

Is it her last laugh because this book was cancelled already?!

Just to get a glimpse of the extravagant lifestyle I'm used to leading, I'm currently sitting in my boxers in front of the air conditioner eating a chocolate chip and sea salt cookie while drinking iced green tea. But I'm also sitting next to a stack of over a hundred old Teen Titans comic books by Marv Wolfman which I'm going to reread, just in case you thought my life was all relaxation and good times.

Last issue, Supergirl's bum came back into my life. Although it's her Preboot bum which I don't think is as alluring as her Reboot bum. She solved the Starro crisis on Wodin Twelve for the Justice League 3001 team which leaves them free to begin a new story arc this issue. This probably doesn't belong in this paragraph but I just wanted to remind everybody (especially the people at DC Comics) that Ambush Bug made a cameo in Justice League 30001 #1. So let's see more of him, okay?

The solution to solving the Starro crisis was for Supergirl to find Starro Prime and have Starro Prime point out that the people of this world were saved by becoming slaves. And while the Justice League argue and scoff at this explanation, they seem to accept it enough that they all head back to Camelot Nine leaving Wodin Twelve exactly the way it was. Sometimes problems are too complex to solve them with punching things. When that happens, the Justice League are not the team for the job, so they just move on to one where punching is helpful. Until that next problem comes along, the team stand around and recycle old Giffen and DeMatteis jokes from previous issues. Remember how Clark thinks he's the best? It's so funny to be reminded of that aspect of his character again! Wait, did I say "aspect of"? I think I meant "whole entirety of".

I wish the heroes could be as coldly logical as Starro the Bureaucratic Conqueror has become.

In the very next panel which I hadn't read until after scanning the above panel and commenting on it, Guy Gardner asks Ariel Masters if she wants him to punch out the Starro representative. Oh, Justice League 3001! Never change! Not that I'm concerned they would change because then I'd plead with them to change. But since I read the names of the writers on the cover, I already pretty much know what to expect from this comic book and its cast.

Ariel (who is actually Evil Lois Lane) makes Guy Gardner responsible for the Starro diplomat. Guy Gardner makes it perfectly clear--right up front and everything!--that he won't have sex with it. Even though it's in a perfectly viable female body. What would it be like having sex with an overarching consciousness spread out over millions of worlds across the universe?! I bet it would be disappointing.

Meanwhile, Clark and Bruce visit Takron-Galtos for some reason. Maybe they want to visit the Super Buddies. Or maybe they just want to spend a little time on their old home planet. Or maybe they just heard really good things about Ralph & Sue's Bar & Grill?

How did Ralph and Sue survive the last thousand years?! Or is this like the Fake Blue Beetle guy. Did some jerk just find a bottle of Gingold lying around and decide to open a ridiculously themed restaurant?

Since Clark and Bruce are on Takron-Galtos, it's time to check in on the Super Buddies! They're busy battling Giant Turtle-Man. Although being a prison planet, I'm not sure what good fighting crime is here. Do criminals who behave badly on this planet get sent into solitary? Maybe solitary is the moon. Or it's what they've begun calling the sun.

Tiny Green Lantern and Barry Allen Flash arrive to micromanage the Super Buddies battle with Giant Turtle-Man. I thought Barry died. Twice! I guess if he died twice, he can come back around to die a third time. I'm sure it'll be explained eventually, maybe in a goofy Fun FAQs at the end of the issue. Or it was already explained and I just forgot about it because I was too busy thinking about how quickly Barry Allen probably has sex.

Apparently the Super Buddies have been tasked with cleaning up the prison planet so that it can be recolonized. Wouldn't it be easier to hire Lobo? He has experience with this kind of thing. Plus it would be nice to have Real Deal Lobo back in the DC Youniverse. This comic book is allowed to bring back Preboot characters, so I'm sure he'll make an appearance eventually. I mean, they just introduced Jimmy Olsen as the Giant Turtle-Man while I was typing that thing about Lobo.

Clark goes back to Camelot Nine but Bruce sticks around to encounter yet another hero returning from the twenty-first century. Or almost encountering the hero, anyway.

I hope it's Lobo in a Batman costume!

The book finishes with Guy not expressing his full emotions and deepest feelings and Supergirl exasperated with Teri Flash. So basically situations and jokes we've all read from Giffen and DeMatteis previously. Although Guy does have one moment where he pushes the Starro representative down the stairs and subsequently feels bad about it which made me laugh. And after reading Giffen and DeMatties comic books with the same jokes repeated over and over again for nearly thirty years, I'd say one laugh out of a twenty page issue is pretty good!

Justice League 3001 #3 Rating: No change. I like to rib Giffen and DeMatteis for repeating the same jokes over and over again because it's true. They do that. A lot. But I'm going to give them some credit for what they're doing with this series. I love the Elseworldsness of it all. They can introduce any character from DC's past at any time and force it to fit the story. Preboot Beetle, Booster, Ice, Fire, Etrigan, and Darkseid all exist alongside resurrected versions of the main Justice League members. And those guys were introduced that way because it was before the series really seemed to have received the go ahead to bring back Reboot characters. So they're resurrected in new bodies with faulty memories which allows them to be past versions of the characters but with only the pieces of their histories intact which Giffen and DeMatteis want to use. I suspect that the main reason this comic book exists is to give Giffen and DeMatteis their own little playground where the editors don't really have to be bothered by them. I picture Giffen in the DC Offices just screaming, "CAN I DO THIS? CAN I DO THIS? CAN I DO THIS? CAN I DO THIS?" And now he can do that! And that! And whatever he wants! And nobody has to listen to his weird fucked up pitches anymore.

The New Teen Titans #16 (January 1986)

Dick Grayson pouts all across Tamaran upset that Starfire must marry somebody she doesn’t love for cultural reasons. This issue was better when it was called Elfquest and Dick was played by Scouter, Kory by Dewshine, and Karras played by Tyldak. The issue also reminded me why I hated Dick Grayson for so many years.

Number of Issues Where Any Titan Besides Cyborg Does Something Heroic: 1 for 16.

Grayson #11

Now kiss!

Lately, Dick Grayson has been killing spies from other covert organizations. Except it isn't actually Dick who's been doing the killing, as everybody knows. If you work in a black ops organization, you know that Occam's Razor can be thrown, carefully, out the window. It's turned on its head because disinformation is the main tool of the trade. So the most obvious conclusion is no longer the most obvious answer. The most obvious answer is the conclusion which the other black ops organization wants your organization to come to. So every single head of every single covert organization in the DC Youniverse who have demanded that Helena put a stop to these murders knows that Dick Grayson is simply a patsy. But they also don't care. If somebody wants to turn Dick Grayson into a scapegoat and Dick Grayson gets crucified, that'll probably end the murders of all the other spies anyway. And that's all that everybody really wants. Just a little peace and quiet and to not be murdered by some Dick Grayson look-a-like.

Currently, Fake Dick is beating the shit out of Agent One trying to get him to say aloud, "Dick Grayson is the traitor." But Number One is like the top spy ever (you can tell by the way he's called Number One) and he knows when he's being manipulated by a stinking Dick Grayson look-a-like. He'd rather die than betray Dick Grayson! No, wait, that's probably not why he's not saying anything since he kind of hates Dick right now. I think Agent One (Tiger to his friends) is just being stubborn and manly. Too bad he's going to be saved by the real Dick Grayson because being saved by an ex-Robin isn't manly at all. It's the opposite of manly which is a word I don't know because I don't think English has a word for "twelve year old male on the brink of puberty filling out a Dungeons and Dragons character sheet." I bet German has a word for it.

I bet Tiger is pretty embarrassed that he's losing a fight to Dick Grayson. Imagine how horrible he's going to feel when he finds out it's not even the real Dick Grayson! Although maybe that's more of a relief? At least you know the look-a-like probably never went by the name "The Boy Wonder."

That's because those pants don't fit right.

Dick Grayson's initial guess is that his look-a-like (that's such a poor word compared to doppelgänger, right?) is Clayface. That's a pretty smart guess! Being that they're in Italy and not Gotham though, it can't be right. My guess is that it's actually Dick Grayson's evil twin and this book is about to go old school soap opera on our chest and faces and a little bit in our hair.

Dick's speech to his look-a-like is particularly clever but since it spans two pages, any scan I make of it and resize to fit within the borders of my blog (hell, the pictures I size for Tumblr are still too big for Blogger (and most other people's Tumblrs since I expanded my main section's borders) will shrink the font down to a practically unreadable size. And then it just looks like I'm scanning in the pictures to admire Dick's face and muscles which I totally wouldn't do because I'm not gay for Dick Grayson. I'm not even College Gay for Dick Grayson. I need men who hit on me to have obvious flaws so I don't accidentally have sex with them.

Dick mentions how in these doppelgänger situations, just once he'd like the villain to be Killer Croc in a mask instead of Clayface. So guess what's going to happen twenty or so issues down the line? We'd better get a fucking Killer Croc in a mask story! Tom King and Tim Seeley have this writing shit under control and you don't set something like this up and not collect on the future payoff. I bet it'll be in the next annual, actually. And Dick will spend at least one full page just laughing his ass off. And I'll spend a full page calling myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader and patting myself on the back.

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Now I'm fucking pissed. I just read this page and now I'm steaming! I'm so fucking angry at everybody writing Superman and Batman and Green Lantern and...and...well, and just about everybody! You know, writing them like raging, humorless assholes who punch first and then punch later too! Dick Grayson has no super powers. He's not full of angst and rebellion and Daddy Issues and More Daddy Issues and sadness and despair and rage. He's actually enjoying fighting for justice and helping people. Go fucking figure. He's having a blast! Why isn't Superman like this? Superman cannot die. Why isn't Superman cracking jokes as he speed walks up to criminals trying their damnedest to harm him and failing miserably? Why doesn't Superman smile as he simply picks the villains up by the back of their underwear and hauls them off to jail? Why is Superman's life so fucking hard?! Dick Grayson is the only real hero in the DC Youniverse. Addendum: Dick Grayson and Maps are the only real heroes in the DC Youniverse. I guess Batgirl is having more fun too now that she climbed out from the shadow of Batman and moved across the river.

Fake Dick surprises Grayson by mentioning Barbara and Koriand'r. That kind of throws a wrench in his good times because now he knows this guy knows his friends and family. And Fake Dick has shown he doesn't mind killing to mess up Dick's day. So the joking might have to be put on the back burner for a little while. Now it's time to go Batman on this guy's ass.

Is he Jacques de Constamment, Acrobatics Teacher at Hadrians Finishing School For Horny Young Women?

Fake Dick begins questioning Dick Grayson's joyful, exuberant way of fighting and now I'm pissed again! Don't make him feel bad for being happy! Don't remind him that he couldn't think of anything funny to say when the Joker beat Jason Todd with a crowbar! How dare Fake Dick try to turn Grayson into a bitter old clone of Bruce!

Actually, Fake Dick is kind of funny too!

Is this the issue where people who hate that Dick isn't completely serious learn a lesson about why Dick's humor makes him a better crime fighter? I hope this is the issue that puts those people in their places! I bet those places are really boring and smell like sour milk. I bet those are places where people read things like Deathstroke and Twat Lobo and think, "Yo! Bad ass! Booyah!" I bet those are places where laughter doesn't exist! Man, I hate those places.

Fake Dick takes control of Dick's hypnos and begins telling him a bunch of garbage about how he's weak because he doesn't take anything seriously. Fuck you, Fake Dick! Not taking things seriously is my entire approach to life! It's why I hated Dick Grayson for years when he was whining and moaning on the Teen Titans. It's why, since coming back to DC at the start of The New 52, I discovered that I love Dick. He quickly became my favorite character because he enjoys himself! And Batman fucking respects him and--Goddammit--he looks up Dick Grayson! Batman fucking knows Dick was a better Batman than he could ever be because Dick wasn't compelled by an obsession to do the job. I hope Dick Grayson defeats this impostor with jokes!

I hope nobody quotes me out of context with that "I discovered I love Dick" quote.

Fake Dick says the magic word to shut down Dick Grayson and his hypnos. He collapses just as Tiger sits up and rips the hypnos from his eyes so he can see who Fake Dick really is.

Surprise! It's a girl!

Alia and Tiger have a chat that the readers are not privy to. The next scene begins with Tiger and Dick being debriefed by Helena. Tiger tells the story exactly how it happened right up until the point after he ripped out his hypnos. That's when he leaves his ex-partner out of the story and claims that Fake Dick was Maxwell Lord, head of Checkmate. At that point, Dick resigns. His mission has been over for awhile now and he has no interest in playing spy games where a bunch of spy organizations just continuously compare dick sizes. Plus, he's not all that enthralled by the thing where Spyral can make him do whatever he wants through his implants. Time to get Batman back on the horn and get the fuck out of Spyral and Hadrian. Dick calls Bruce one last time just to tell him that he's coming home.

The person behind driving Grayson away with this entire Fake Dick thing is--big surprise--Otto Netz's daughter, Doctor Netz. Doctor is a weird first name but whatever. And apparently she has a sister with the weird name of Agent Zero Netz. They're the ones really controlling Spyral and the reasons why Dick will probably be pulled back in. But first, Dick needs to tell everybody in Gotham that he's still alive! Nobody has to be sad anymore!

Not that anybody really seemed very choked up about Dick being dead. I mean, maybe one or two panels where a few people cried but not much more. I think he'll be met by mostly a bunch of shrugs.

Grayson #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. The main problem with telling people that a comic book is the best comic book a company is publishing is that most people don't fucking care unless the book stars a character they're already huge fans of. It's why Marvel tends toward having a lot more super hero books in the top twenty. They have way more iconic characters, especially since their movies made a bunch of their B-list heroes into big names. And I'm not talking about the Guardians of the Galaxy. I'm talking about Iron Man and those other Avengers that aren't Spider-man or The Hulk or the one with the hair. DC Comics has put most of their time and effort into Batman and Superman with the other Justice League members getting a bit of a lift but generally just when they're all together. So if I say, "Dick Grayson is the most entertaining DC comic on the racks right now," anybody not into Dick or Nightwing or Robin will just ignore the suggestion and miss out on a really great comic book. I hate that we comic book fans are so into following characters. I get why people like characters and choose to invest all of their time and money on their favorites. But I also wish that comic book fans would be more willing to branch out and pick up a book that's getting great word of mouth just because it's a good fucking story. I get that Grayson isn't quite in trouble in this case because Dick has his fans. But I hate that The Omega Men is so Goddamned well written and yet it's going to keep selling like shit because most people are simply going to scoff at it. And yet--and this drives me crazy--we will continue to buy a book with our favorite character in it for years even when it's a piece of shit! As fans, we need to stop blaming the shitty quality of comic books on the publishers and start looking in the mirror. But not my mirror. I do everything right! I supported Demon Knights and All Star Western while y'all were buying Ann Nocenti's shitvomit Catwoman and Scott Lobdell's puppy massacre Red Hood and the Outlaws. Please support this book and if you like it, just realize that The Omega Men is also written by Tom King. It might not be a coincidence that both books are killing it.

Gotham By Midnight #8

This Satanist just realized he carved a Star of David into his chest instead of a pentagram.

I have to say that when I began this blog, I didn't set out to be called a "pretentious fuck" but when it happened, it really felt good! Somebody thought mommy's little boy was "pretentious"! I'm true city folk now! Although the same person gave me some advice to "get off my own dick" and stop calling myself a genius. That's crappy advice because that's my whole shtick! I tell masturbation stories and write dick jokes about super hero comic books and proclaim I'm a genius! That's the whole joke! Right there! I'd like to think I've cultivated it into something more than can be summarized in one simple sentence after nearly 2500 blog entries but...well...who am I kidding? That's about it!

But "pretentious"?! I wish Grandma and Grandpa were alive to see this day! Now I'm all puffed up like that bird that puffs up its chest and has like a weird bare spot on it and looks super silly? Is that a quail? Maybe I'm thinking of a frog.

Anyway, enough about me (even if this blog is really all about me), let's see what spooky things are happening in The Spooky Files!

Well fuck that! I hate being tested! I can barely even stand my friends who love to play Devil's Advocate!

This is why I live in Portland, Oregon. Because nobody hands out tests out here! Unless it's the test about how artistic you are. Except even that test is too much of a test because at least 75% of the people who have moved to Portland in the last five years did it so that they would be considered "artsy" without actually having to put any effort into it. Some people say that Portland doesn't have enough jobs to support the influx of young people who don't actually want to work anyway, but I say phooey on that! I guarantee there are enough brunch places in this town to support the influx of new people as long as they don't mind taking jobs bussing tables or waiting on white customers indignant about everything.

Don't mistake "artistic" in the context of Portland as "having talent or ability to produce works of art." No, art in Portland is all about thinking up extroverted ways to express a simple idea. No grand paintings will ever be produced in this city. But you might stumble across a recliner facing a television hooked up to an original Nintendo gaming system set up on the median in the middle of some busy thoroughfare. I bet that installation garnered a whole bunch of high fives and envious looks from that artist's group of friends!

Although sometimes the art a person is appreciating is just a bunch of stuff left out in front of somebody's house from which the "FREE" sign blew away.

Why do comic books believe that huge televisions in crowded areas blaring the sound out among the populace is something that actually happens. Wait. Is it something that actually happens? Is this how Time Square works? That would be so annoying to anybody living in an apartment nearby!

Everybody in Gotham goes crazy and they begin brawling. See? That's what happens when you scream the fucking news at everybody just trying to go about their lives. I hope rent in the apartments just above that huge television is free.

Kate Spencer (Manhunter for those of you missing out on the whole "Predators and Prey" overlay while Kate stares down a tiger) is meeting with Sergeant Rook at the Gotham Zoo. It's the best place to meet for clandestine meetings. How come "Clandestine" hasn't become a popular baby name yet? Is it because people having children are actually a little smarter than I ever give them credit for being?

I was almost a father once! My sweet girl, Astird, would have been born on October 23rd, 2009, if Jesus hadn't aborted her the same week that the Non-Certified Spouse and I discovered the news. I didn't even have enough time to learn to love my little girl before drunkenly celebrating Jesus's choice to perform a miraculous spontaneous abortion! Praise god! He truly does work in mysterious ways!

Sergeant Rook isn't happy with The Spooky Files. At first he was just investigating their expense reports but then Corrigan almost got him killed while getting drunk at a bar, so now he doesn't just want to shut them down. He wants them all arrested! Why can't this guy just leave well enough alone? Doesn't he know Rooks are expendable?!

Of course Detective Drake is dating a slacker! I bet Pete's the type of guy who pulls out an acoustic guitar at parties and just noodles around with it. Is that a thing? Noodling a guitar?

Corrigan meets Doctor Tarr at the scene of the riot and discovers that the GNN Broadcast is behind the outbreak of violence. I knew it! It's always the media's fault! They think they're so important! They believe they're keeping people informed while they're really chaining people to false narratives and altered realities! The world would be so much better without news channels. I'd rather people get their news from a distant cousin's rabid, misinformed email rants! At least then they'd realize the source of their news was psychotic as opposed to how they all think news sources are somehow trustworthy now. The media is hurting science the most. Because the media plays this game where they try to balance an issue and show both sides of every topic, the audience loses any kind of sense that one side is actually more correct than the other side. Arguments aren't perfectly balanced. Sometimes one side is just completely super-bonkers wrong! If the media really wanted to be as important as they think they are, they'd do research to actually determine that the side disputing scientific facts were actually ignorant bastards with an agenda and refuse to put that bullshit out there as somehow equal to actual scientific fact. Fuck the media! And not just this crazy GNN outlet causing violence outburts in Gotham! Fuck 'em all! CNN. Fox News. NPR. All of them! Except maybe the BBC's news broadcasts. But they're so dispassionately neutral that they don't hold anybody's interests. They could at least throw in a few viral videos of kittens playing, for Christ's sake.

Corrigan and Tarr arrive at GNN to find lots of dead people. They also find the newscasters, Brooke and Walker, arguing about which one is the bigger news-whore. Jim almost releases the Spectre but Doctor Tarr shoves him out of the studio to deal with the problem himself. It's too bad The Spectre is such a huge prick that he can't be relied upon to solve any problem in Gotham. He might get a cat out of a tree but he's going to judge every fucker on the block as a sinner and send them to hell. But, I guess, at least the kitten would be safe.

It doesn't take Doctor Tarr long to learn the secret chemistry between Brooke and Walker.

Awesome! Now I'm going to picture this happening beneath the desk of all the local news reporters!

It turns out the two newscasters sold their souls to be super popular. So this was really about Sean Hannity, wasn't it?! Anyway, Brooke kills Walker and then dies because it's not a good idea to kill a person you're inextricably linked to physically.

When Tarr exits the studio, he discovers more of the Black Flowers all around Corrigan. He points out that they usually appear around paranormal threats and demonic dangers. Tarr declares he thinks he knows what they mean but doesn't say much about it because Corrigan could be part of the problem. The team head back to The Spooky Files headquarters to find Internal Affairs searching the place and Rook waiting to arrest Corrigan. That will probably wind up being a huge mistake.

Gotham By Midnight #8 Rating: No change. I feel like everything is coming together nicely this issue. The characters are opening up and expanding, the current paranormal problems are converging into a bigger threat, and Internal Affairs is about to realize that Gordon has not been protecting The Midnight Shift from Internal Affairs but vice versa. I miss the truly creepy art of Templesmith on this title but I think Ferreyra is probably more reader friendly and also looks great. All said, this is a solid and intriguing title that will probably be cancelled fairly soon because it doesn't have Batman in it.