The Flash #26

This cover really draws you in because you can't help thinking, "How did The Flash's body get so distorted and mangled?!"

I cooked actual food on Friday night which is not something I do a lot but something I generally feel I'd like to do more of. I've got a vegetarian recipe book with about a thousand recipes in it. Occasionally, I'll take out my gaming dice and randomly pick a recipe to cook. This time I came up with Tamale Pie and my first reaction was, "Great. A recipe where I have to do cooking and baking!" Although in the end, it wasn't very hard at all. Chop an onion. Chop a bell pepper. Cook them up in my wok. Add all the other shit. Throw it in a baking pan. Mix the corn bread topping. Drizzle it on. Throw it in the oven. Eat!

Don't look at my dirty kitchen floor! My business is cleaning floors and I hate to bring my work home with me!

What surprised me the most was that the corn bread topping actually tasted like corn bread! Cooking is magic! But now I have a huge amount of cornmeal sitting around that I probably won't need for any other recipes ever, so I guess I need to make corn bread muffins or something. I should probably do it before the other four eggs in the half dozen I bought go bad because I'll forget I actually have real food in the fridge.

I think the last time I cooked a new recipe was about a year ago. It was Spinach-Rice-Cheese Balls and I documented it in one of my Batgirl commentaries. So at the rate I'm going, I'll work through this recipe book in just over one thousand years! How's that immortality serum coming along, Science?!

So I should probably comment on the dead horse's head sitting on the cover of The Flash this month. Namely, the change in the creative team. Gage and Googe. Is this some kind of a joke? I can't take my Flash comic book seriously if it's written and drawn by the team of Gage and Googe! I was really hoping Manapul and Buccellato would remain tethered to this comic book for a really long time. Fuck their wants and needs and desires, DC! Make them stick with The Flash! Can't you force writers and artists to remain on a book as long as you want? What kind of impotent company are you running over there? Oh yeah. The kind without the sacks to fire Lobdell and Nocenti for failing to perform the duties in their job description. I'm pretty sure their job description is "writing comic books" and that is certainly something they are not doing. Although if "stringing together random phrases" and "ruining fan favorite characters" is actually what they were hired to do, then I apologize for calling them out and accusing them of failing to do their job.

The Flash begins on a positive note because the art falls under the category of "Arousing Tess's Subjective Aesthetic Sense Organs."

I'm easily confused so I like my comic books to look comic booky or else I sometimes begin to think I'm reading a history of past European political conflicts.

This opening page has been partially Lobdelled but I can forgive that because it's this creative team's first book. So if they want to approach it by beginning with The Flash stating who he is, that's cool. Just don't do it every issue after that! Plus, "Lobdelling" the first page actually calls for a full page, static image that bores the fuck out of the reader. And this image isn't boring at all! It's exciting! Look at all the bullet casings flying out of that gun as the woman laughs uproariously at the impending death of her foe! Also, it's educational! The Flash is answering trivia questions for the fanboys that are most assuredly listening to his thoughts as he battles this woman who may or may not go by the name "Spitfire" (according to the cover)! I'm so excited at the possibilities of this comic book that I have man lady-wood! That's an imaginary boner for anybody that needs to know that I'm not actually aroused at reading this comic book because it would have made them queasy to think that I actually had an erection as I was typing this. And even if I did have one, why would I tell you? My body parts are my business!

Spitfire has apparently murdered somebody close to The Flash but he's not letting me know who yet because he wants me to worry about Patty before he finally lets me know that it's his father figure at the police station. She gets away because The Flash can't fly and he apparently can't dodge Spitfire's bullets and still catch up to the plane before it takes off so he has to vibrate through the bullets which causes him to vibrate through the plane as he tries to grab on. Wouldn't it also cause him to vibrate through the ground so he'd lose traction and his feet would sink beneath the surface of the Earth and he'd have no way to get back above ground and if he went solid he'd die so he'd really be fucked? Maybe he's just really good at timing things so he's solid when his feet hit the ground but vibrating when the bullets pass through him and he never allows those two events to occur simultaneously. Which probably means he runs like a total spaz.

It turns out the person Spitfire and her crew hurt was Doctor Carlson. Oh yeah, that was my other guess! That it would be somebody I'd never fucking ever heard of.

Doctor Carlson was also Barry's first big crush although he isn't quite ready to admit that yet because he's still trying to be in love with boring old safe Patty.

Spitfire and her Sky-Gang are stealing deadly pathogens to sell on the Black Market. They probably chose to do their crimes in Central City because The Flash can't follow them into the sky. But they're wrong! The Flash is going to get a lift from the air force! Also, can't he do that tornado thing where he rides funnel clouds into the sky or something? Can't he spin his arms around really fast and act like a helicopter?

Spitfire is just so happy all the time! She's the best.

I hope The Flash can do that helicopter thing with his arms now that the pilot said, "Fuck you, The Flash! I'm outta here!" I suppose Barry will run along the fuselage and leap to Spitfire's plane now. Hopefully nobody will shoot at him so that he has to vibrate through the bullets which will cause him to phase through the plane again. Although I've seen the cover and it doesn't look too good for Barry! Although covers often lie to exaggerate the excitement and to keep the reader guessing. Unless they actually just lie to sell more copies because readers see the cover and think, "Oh my God! Look how fucked up The Flash's body is as he's falling out of that airplane? I wonder if he was caught up in a taffy pulling machine!"

The Flash runs along the clouds because of course! He's a scientist! He knows exactly the right vibrations to vibrate and speeds to move and which numbers to carry when doing the math in his head. He's very good at the technical mumbo-jumbo that's really very boring and not at all as exciting as seeing The Flash run along clouds. Unless you're into science and stuff and then it would be more interesting to see a show that proves how this could theoretically be possible.

This time The Flash is able to time his vibrating and his bullet dodging so that he can remain inside the plane. But he only remains for a few seconds before Spitfire convinces him he should leave.

I bet it's time for the helicopter hands trick!

Barry lands safely, gets the deadly vials to the authorities, and then rushes back out to find Spitfire. Meanwhile Spitfire machine guns her crew and takes off on her rocket-pack with her canister of deadly pathogens. All the while with a great big grin on her face! Are amoral people always this happy? Maybe I should give amorality a chance!

The Flash manages to guide the crashing plane into Walter Payton Memorial Stadium (unless it's still called Soldier Field for some stupid reason. What do soldiers have to do with Football?! I'm surprised it's not called Pizza Hut Park) and still has time to run back and capture Spitfire before she gets away in the greasy as fuck Chicago River.

Well, well. I guess she isn't always grinning like a fucking maniac. Although this look is adorable too.

The Flash #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was like an old school comic book with modern sensibilities. A fairly sub-standard villain with a crazy scheme stopped by the hero in a story that begins and ends in a single issue. Plus it does that thing that people say should be done in comic book stories but actually isn't really done as often as it should be where the story gives you a knew perspective on the hero or shows an aspect of the hero you haven't seen before or whatever. You know that old advice that professionals tell amateurs looking to break into the business but usually ignore themselves because they already have the job so they just tell another story where Batman breaks a guy's jaw and Alfred shakes his head and Catwoman sighs. So in this issue, we see how Barry Allen has the intelligence and scientific wherewithal to follow criminals wherever they may go even when they think they've got his chumpy old number! The Flash only good on the ground?! WRONGO, BUTTHOLE! Uh-oh. Now I'm picturing Spitfire's butthole. Excuse me while I take care of something.

All Star Western #26

As far as sidekicks go, I prefer Amadeus over Gina. Also as far as romantic foils go.

My 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Thorne, had a record player in her classroom. She had a case for holding records in the back of the class. I'm not sure who stocked the records but I can't imagine it was her. I suppose she let people bring in records and she didn't really pay them much heed because one of those records was an AC/DC record. In my mind, I've always thought it was "Highway to Hell" but when I just tried to find the image I remember from way back when I was eight or nine years old, "Highway to Hell" was not it. I've always known the cover to "Highway to Hell" was the one with Angus having horns and shit but I assumed the image I remembered was from the back cover or an inside sleeve. But now Lord Google has allowed me to correct my memory and realize the album was "If You Want Blood." So for those of you that don't know the back cover to "If You Want Blood," this was the image burned into my little kid brain thanks to my 4th Grade teacher and whoever brought in this record.

The front image isn't any better but this is what I specifically recall!

So if you ever really want to know the major difference between elementary school in the 1970s and now, realize that this wasn't a big fucking deal back then. I also learned how to play Dungeons and Dragons in my 5th Grade Gifted and Talented Education class. I wonder if I went to a Satanic Elementary School? That would make sense! No wonder I had Speech Therapy in 1st and 2nd Grade where they taught me the correct pronunciation of "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

So anyhoot and otter-holler, All Star Western #26 begins back in the past where the comic book forgot it was supposed to be taking place for the last few months. It seems we're due a glimpse into what's been happening with Tallulah Black if'n ya don't think too linear-like about time or nothin'.

Looks like she's been hittin' the vittles something hard.

The title of this issue (which you can read for yourself in the above scan) puts doubt in my mind as to the veracity of the tale I'm about to read. Perhaps Tallulah is pregnant with Jonah's child. Or maybe she was but then won't be once things go back to the way they should. Meaning Jonah returns to the old west. Or perhaps this is just one little secret that Jonah will learn about once the Swamp Thing stops attacking him and Jonah sets foot in the House of Secrets. Or maybe Jonah will get to meet his future progeny!

Tallulah is off to get married (which is why she needs a preacher, I reckon!) and the groom just happens to be Jonah Hex. Hmm. Remember that title! Something weird is going on here!

Yes indeedy. Something a might bit strange and peculiar.

As the ceremony is coming to a close, the bride, the groom, and the Strangel wind up in a Mexican standoff. Although each participant has two guns and so has one gun trained on each of the other members, so it's not quite as standoffish as one where each participant only has one gun. I mean, in this case, you can kill both of the other members at the same time! Although everybody is likely to probably get shot in the face as soon as one person panics and everything goes to hell. So I think calling this a Mexican Standoff is still apt.

Tallulah and Jonah kill everybody in the church, and then Jonah kills Tallulah, and then Jonah wakes up from the hellish nightmare (what else would you call your own wedding?) to find he's once again being drawn by Moritat. He's also covered in Swamp Thing's Purple Blossoms. Yes, that's just as disgustingly sexy as it sounds.

Swamp Thing continues to remain in a fugue state so Jonah has to go fetch Constantine who's nearby having sex with a woman he met at Burning Man.

Not everything is a reference to Little Shop of Horrors, John. Most everything. But not everything.

Apparently this is a bit of a tie-in to Batman Loves Superman. These are Mongul's Purple Mercy Monster Blossoms that have caused that comic book series to go sideways. I hope that doesn't happen here because I already have a hard enough time comfortably reading a comic book the normal way up. I just want them to enter The House of Secrets already! I wonder if Rain is still witnessing there? I hope so! *swoon*

Constantine stomps the Ever Lovin' Purple Mercy Shit out of The Swamp Thing and he recovers just fine. That's when Swamp Thing goes, "Oh yeah! The House of Secrets, right? It's in Metropolis. I probably should have said that earlier before we got hung up in a mini-crossover with Batman Loves Superman. Sorry! Anyway, on your way!"

So Jonah Hex and Gina head on their way. But Jonah is being a dick to Gina because I think he's feeling a bit guilty about ditching Tallulah who might be pregnant, now that he's been forced to think about it a bit. But Gina puts him in his place like the women other than Tallulah Black from the 19th Century never would and he remembers why he likes Tallulah so much. And, of course, why he likes Gina as well.

See, Amadeus? This is what you could have had if you hadn't been so mousey and whiny!

So after however long sex with Jonah Hex takes (one week?), the duo find themselves in a shoot-out in Metropolis. But nobody gets hit by any bullets because there's this guy living there that is supposedly faster than those.

Yeah! This guy!

All Star Western #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. So while it would have felt like the first half of this comic book was just a waste of space in a comic book I don't like, it was enjoyable to see Jonah Hex's fevered Space Opium Dream. Besides, Mongul's little flowers supposedly show people their fondest dreams and they usually keep that person encased in them forever. But Jonah Hex actually broke their spell which I'm not sure has ever happened before because I don't know a fuck-lot about Mongul and his Special Flowers. I think they were featured prominently in Mongul #1 but fuck if I can completely remember! Plus, his fondest wishes are to have a baby and marry Tallulah and killing murderers together? That seems reasonable. Also, I'm enjoying Jonah Hex's whirlwind tour of the New 52 Universe. It's a nice change of pace from the usual western. I'm still really looking forward to The New 52's House of Secrets though! It didn't get much on-panel time in its brief appearance in Justice League Dark. I hope it gets a really nice treatment here when it finally shows up.

Teen Titans #26

I think I've bashed Scott Lobdell as much as any single person can. I'm out of ways to hate his writing. Can we get a writer change on this series already?

Last issue, the Trial of Kid Flash still had yet to happen. I think it might have begun to happen. Possibly. I'm not sure. Trials in the future probably don't resemble trials today because they've probably improved them so that they actually bring about justice as opposed to just being a circus where money rules the day and you're judged by equally moronic members of your community who have been processed by an educational system that puts a premium on teaching kids to obey authority over teaching kids how to think logically. So even though everybody constantly shouts "innocent until proven guilty," you realize what you really get is a bunch of chowder-headed jury members that are thinking, "Why would the police have arrested this person if they are innocent?"

So hopefully future courtrooms have actual fair trials as opposed to our current system of "fair" trials where fair is based on how much money you have to spend on an attorney that doesn't give a shit about actual justice and instead acts like a Munchkin at a roleplaying table manipulating the rules to get whatever he wants.

This issue begins with Kid Flash's memories of how his descent into criminality began. His parents were missionaries that believed in the truth but the stupid authority figures that have no time for God and only love lies decided to kill the stupid believers because of their belief in believing. Kid Flash watched his father get his head bashed in because he couldn't not believe.

The real problem is that those beliefs are often worth killing for.

I bet Scott Lobdell took great pride in his alternate wording of The Lord's Prayer. But I'm just confused as to why Kid Flash came not just from the future but from some other planet in some other solar system and possibly in some other galaxy. But I guess Jesus made sure to visit the believers of that world as well. Fuck you, Earth! You aren't that special! Jesus loves aliens too! As long as they, you know, accept him as their Lord and Savior.

The Purifiers kill Kid Flash's mom as well but that's not the worst part. The worst part was how disrespectful they were of their religion. How dare they!

I don't think Scott Lobdell has the best handle on allegorical writing.

Kid Flash escapes from the vile non-believers with his kid sister, Shira. I thought Shira was his love interest earlier! I suppose she could still be. Just when they're older. It would be weird if they began dating now with him being eight and she being less than one. That age difference would just make things awkward.

The Teen Titans are watching this replay of Kid Flash's history via 30th Century Mind Spying Technology by Microsoft. I bet Kid Flash and his sister will think up a symbol to wear, something like, say, a shark or a whale which will identify them to other believers but won't reveal their belief to the Functionary's Purifiers! And eventually enough believers will believe so much belief that they'll help bring down The Functionary's civilization! Also, the Functionary's need for straight roads and for branching out across the entire universe and pissing off lots of foreign people who are able to follow those straight roads back to the seat of power probably help the believers and their rebellion a little bit.

Kid Flash became a murderer to protect his sister but even worse, he became an Absconder!

"Gotta stay! One step! Ahead of the atheist! One jump! Ahead of the lies! I steal only what God won't provide. That's everything!"

Eventually Kid Flash realizes he can't take care of his sister like this so he gives her to a nunnery, The Sisterhood of the Word. I bet that word is cunt! No, wait! It's probably a Holy Text! Yeah, that makes more sense.

The Teen Titans watching this memory on the Brainscreen by Microsoft are finally driven to gasp in horror at the thought of Kid Flash knowingly giving his sister a better life. But he loved her so much and she loved him and he still gave her away! Can you ever imagine not giving in to your own selfish needs for the betterment of somebody else? It's absolutely horrifying! The worst memory yet!

No, no. That's called idolatry! You don't believe in faith! You believe in God! You have faith in God! Stop putting faith before God, dodo-head!

See why people love willfully misunderstanding stuff? Then you get to argue against them knowing full well what they actually meant! But you can make them seem like idiots while you're really just making an idiot of yourself. Although it's far too satisfying to put somebody in their place over something they never meant than to care about how fucking dumb you're going to look afterward. Seriously! It must be or else why else do people continue to comment all over the internet?

Kid Flash began hitchhiking all across the galaxy until he finally realized what he needed to do! He was "to young [sic]" to get revenge on the monsters that killed his parents. So he decided to infiltrate their organization by enlisting with them! He'll bring down the entire organization from within! Maybe he can even get close enough to The Functionary and teach him the glory of Jesus and what he did for everybody! What did he do for everybody? I thought his entire plan was to expose the hypocrisy of the Pharisees so that the people would boot them from power and get Rome off their backs so that Israel could be free to rule itself. No? That wasn't his actual plan? It actually had something to do with living forever as a ghost? Weird. I'd better reread my Bible!

Kid Flash became the Han Solo of the Purifiers, smuggling cargo across the universe while absorbing massive amounts of interstellar radiation due to the limited shielding on the cargo ships. Eventually he crashed but that was when he discovered his super speed powers. And that's Kid Flash's secret origin! Everybody can go back to the past and continue with what they were doing. Right?

Oh wait! I forgot about his trial. I guess he still needs to remember the horrible things he did to make The Functionary send him back in time. Kid Flash builds an army of believers and they use a lightning bolt as their symbol because it's easy to draw. Then they began attacking the government with belief! But then belief turned to tragedy!

Wait. Was the Word that the Sisterhood of the Word followed actually the Word of base, material beliefs? The Word of the Functionary? I don't think so because Kid Flash heard the "testimony" of his neighbors back when his parents were killed when speech bubbles were saying "sharing the word" and "the word forevermore." But then some speech bubbles also said "pure" and "renounce" which make me think the Purifiers were yelling them! I'm confused!

So The Word is either what the believers believe or what the Functionary says people must believe. One of those! Maybe that's why the Teen Titans were so shocked when Kid Flash gave his sister to the Sisterhood of the Word? Because that was the enemy? But how would they fucking know since they knew as much as I did and it was all very confusing! Maybe I shouldn't care so much! It's only the stupid Teen Titans written poorly by poo-poo face Scott Lobdell.

Look! Now he's got me resorting to infantile insults! Jerko!

It turns out Kid Flash only "almost killed" Shira. But it was enough for him to give up the rebellion because better that he not accidentally nearly kill his sister a second time than free hundreds of thousands of people from a despot! No wonder the Rebellion decided he was a traitor!

After hearing Kid Flash's testimony, the other Teen Titans realize he's a pathetic worm and a huge dick for betraying a freedom movement for one insignificant person. Sure, he gave up everything to keep her safe so why wouldn't he give up everything again to keep her safe again! Oh, because maybe with his super special speed powers, he could have brought her over to the rebellion? Maybe? No? Too complicated? Anyway, the Teen Titans look like they're about to turn on him because that's what friends do in Scott Lobdell comic books. They turn on each other at the end of every issue to force some kind of dramatic tension that will be forgotten when the next issue begins next month.

Look! Even Joke-el is concerned with this turn of events!

Teen Titans #26 Rating: Like anybody needs this rating synopsis to find out what I fucking think about Scott Lobdell's Teen Titans? Look, it's the worst comic book ever even if this issue wasn't as bad as Lobdell's usual shit mainly because was concentrating on a completely new history concerning just one Titan. So, you know, he had less subject matter to completely fuck up. I think I mentioned about a year ago that I stopped trying to be unbiased when it came to Scott Lobdell's crap. He needs to write a number of good issues in a row before the taint of his garbage pen is removed from my brain.

The Green Team #7

When did this comic book become Twilight?

J.P. looks more like a weregorilla than a werewolf. Except I don't believe in weregorillas. So he must be a werewolf that just looks stupid. Maybe he got too much Pug Blood in his werewolf mix.

This is the last issue of The Green Team so I should just skip the commentary. I'm never going to reread it since I won't have an issue #8 which means no need to remember what was happening in this issue. Oh! So that would make this a good place to talk behind my future self's back! Ha ha! That guy is such a huge failure. If only he'd made better choices in his life, he might actually be not miserable. Look at how fat he's gotten drowning his tears in package after package of Oreos! It's easy to picture what a crappy month he probably had since I'll never experience that month! The person that experiences that will be a totally other person and why should I have sympathy with that pathetic loser?! I'm just going to bask in the now of an early Friday morning, work looming a couple days in the future for that poor sap.

I'm starting to confuse myself! I'm speaking as if I know what's going to happen in another month so that when my future self reads this, the voice will sound as if it's speaking to him in the correct tense. Except I'm never going to reread this! I'm an idiot! This shit is fucking depressing. I don't even know what I'm doing. Worst writer ever. Where are my Oreos?

Let's concentrate on the comic book, shall we? It looks like the Green Team's Super Power Techno Discs have the ability to change the structure of the users DNA so that they eventually don't need the stupid suits. So J.P. is now the Beast of the team. And Cecelia is the Wolverine in that she can regenerate. Her claws will have to come from her pet cat as soon as her nanites infect it. Commodore 64 still wears his suit but that's okay because one person in a suit is fine. He's the Iron Man even though Iron Man isn't on the X-men. Although I think Tony Stark's drinking problem might be a result of a mutant gene. So he has the mutant power to drink but that sucks in battle so he had to develop a super suit to compensate.

Meanwhile, Temple Bellachek continues to look scrancy. That's scruffy and fancy at the same time.

I hope Cecilia can regrow her head because it isn't attached to her body anymore. Unless that's just her helmet. That's probably just her helmet. Although this is the last issue, so who fucking cares?

And look who just became The Human Torch!

I know! I know! That's from yet another fucking not-X-Men-team!

I suppose Mo could also be Iceman since purple electricity resembles ice just as much as it resembles fire.

Also, note how Mo finally became of romantic interest to LL here? Take that as a cue, "nice guys" that hate on women that never seem to go for the nice guy. First off, women don't owe you anything simply because of how nice you are. But second off and back on point, women want more than a "nice guy." You have to show that you can, at times, act like a grown ass man. They don't want to take care of a "nice boy." It's less apt to say women go for "bad boys" than to say they're attracted to men that show they can take care of themselves. So a man that punches another man in the face isn't attractive because he's a violent asshole. He's attractive because he's confident and makes decisions. Even if those decisions are kind of shitty and probably indicate he's a real jerk. Being a pacifist and walking away from a fight might be a noble position but it probably won't tip you over the edge on the attraction scale simply because there are too many other ways that your actions can be interpreted. Like you're a cowardly man-boy running home to mom. And you should probably listen to me because I speak from next to no experience on this subject!

The Werething isn't happy seeing it's sister smooching daisies with Mo. Unless "smooching daisies" is actually a sex act because I didn't mean to imply they were doing anything untoward in public. They were just kissing! Normal-like! On the lipsies! The Werething attacks Mo but lunges right through him because he must be composed of pure Purple.

And then as the fighting is getting supposedly intense (I can't tell for sure since I'm kind of yawning through it), Cecilia reappears! Literally! I think I can use literally there because she hasn't been seen for awhile so when I say "reappears" you'd think, "Oh, she just came back into the comic after being off-panel for so long." But I can use literally because she becomes visible after having been invisible like the X-men Sue Storm! Then there's more Daisy Smooching.

She kissed the Were right out of him.

After the fight is over is when the fighting really begins. Except it doesn't because Commodore surrenders immediately to Bellachek's goons. And even though they had orders to kill everyone, they decide not to kill everyone instead. I bet their ability to think for themselves and question orders will be seen as a sign of strength to their boss, Bellachek Temple!

Whoops.

The worst part about being fired by Bellachek Temple? He commands your replacement to kill you! What a dick.

Next Temple kills the replacement for back-talking him. If I were one of the remaining guards, I have a feeling I'd put a bullet in Temple myself at this point before the shit rolled far enough downhill to get to me. This guy is a maniac! Fuck the steady paycheck and great benefits package. Working for this guy is like working for The Joker.

The Green Team show up to defeat Temple once and for all but Temple has a surprise for them! He's been working with Daddy all along!

Why is his penis hanging out of his costume? Or is that a catheter he forgot to remove?

Green Team #7 Rating: No change. Whoops! Looks like there is still one more issue left! Now my future self is going to have to read those horrible words I left for him! Oh well, they're not that bad. I gave up before I got too mean because I'm a crappy writer and will probably just get even worse in the coming month.

Catwoman #26

Yay! Ann Nocenti is back!

My comic book store has a big binder full of the migraine-inducing Villains Month cover comic books sitting on a shelf opposite the cash register. So I was flipping through it to see how much they've stickered the first printings for and most of them were five dollars which I guess is understandable since they ruin your eyesight and were originally four dollars so that's not a huge mark up. But Joker's Daughter #1? Twenty five dollars. Twenty five dollars?! Wait, wait. I don't think you read that correctly. Let me try again.

TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!!!

I won't get into the economics of supply and demand or the philosophical question pertaining to people's seeming need for that piece of shit comic book. But I would like you to consider this: imagine paying that much money for this book because you love The Joker's Daughter so much that you have to have every appearance by her, and then getting home, crawling into your sexy pajamas, pouring a nice hot cup of cocoa (three parts vodka), sighing comfortably, and preparing to enjoy a nice quiet read with one of your favorite characters. Doesn't that sound nice? Now imagine getting shot in the face with a shotgun full of dog shit as you open up the comic book. Is that worth the money to you? I wouldn't pay anything more then eight dollars for that.

Because of Zero Year, I don't quite remember what was going on in this comic book. I think Catwoman and Ugly Cat were about to drown while Princess Cupcakes teamed up with The Joker's Daughter to rule the Gotham Underworld. Also Rat-tails (woo woo!) was found safe and safer. Now on with the story! The really, shitty, fucked-up story that only stupid and ignorant people like. If you don't like my objective description of people that enjoy Ann Nocenti's writing, you can accept my sincere apology. Seriously. Sorry about that.

This issue begins as if Issue #25 was actually written and scripted by Nocenti but got bumped for Zero Year and Ann Nocenti forgot to move the script up to Issue #26! Because last issue ended with Princess Winterbucks and The Joker's Daughter being best friends! But then something happened in the interim! Something horrible! Something terrible! Something...something...

Nonsensical.

So Princess Betterlocks's super power is to shoot wax out of her orifices? Is that what happened? I'm confused. At least I knew going into reading an Ann Nocenti comic book that I would be confused, so I'm not confused as to why I'm confused.

Also, this issue is called "Diamonds are a girl's worst friend." Get it? GET IT?!

I think this opening page is Ann Nocenti trying to explain herself to her readers. Her writing is no more than champagne bubbles and pretty, deadly fish. Makes sense to me!

Catwoman and Ugly Cat who were drowning last issue wind up being dropped into Rock Bottom by the torrent of water. I don't know where all the water goes though. I guess it is blasted into steam when it hits the ground. Catwoman lands on her neck and manages to keep cracking wise. It's good that she can so often be nearly killed and not fucking mind one bit. Ugly Cat takes the same spill and he's fine. Neither of them land on their feet though. Fuck, Nocenti! You can't even get that right! It's a scientifically verified fact that cats always land on their feet because their nine lives are filled with helium and stored along their spine!

As I read more of this tripe, I discover that the water cooled down the lava pit that Catwoman otherwise would have fallen into which is why it must have all steamed away. Plus there are lots of diamonds which Catwoman can't take because she has no pockets in her costume.

Ann Nocenti really has been playing a lot of Minecraft lately, hasn't she?

Meanwhile above ground, Alice Tesla did not die in the explosion she stupidly caused but is now deciding to blame on whatever happened underground.

Yes, I'm sure whoever found Catwoman's Bracelet knows the name of the person on the other end of the communicator.

Alice Tesla's Narration Boxing makes no sense at all. "Nobody believed anybody. The plumbers were called to fix shit but it was over by then. Only I know what really happened!" Nocenti likes to string phrases and sentences together as if they make some kind of logical sense, one from the other. That's part of writing like Ann Nocenti. You have to be confident in your use of stringing together non sequitors so that the reader just keeps chugging along, believing they just read something that makes sense but forever living with a nagging doubt in the back of their mind that will eventually lead to madness.

Also, Alice Tesla is unaware of all of that other shit going on. But she'll still comment on it as if she's telling a story about stick figures painted on a cave wall to a lone man that appeared out of the desert.

By a cosmic coincidence (these things happen all the time in comic books!), Catwoman just happened to fall on a cache of explosive diamonds and Alice Tesla knows the Power Chord to set them off. The Power Chord is "WOOAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Now Catwoman has a plan to blow up the underground which shouldn't have any effect on Gotham Normalground at all. Plus Rat-Tail also did not drown and has arrived to help Catwoman rig the place to blow up.

I'm just five pages into Catwoman #26 and I'm already burnt out! This shit is hard shit to read and shit!

Princess Taserblox has returned to her father to scold him for releasing a fireball onto the Nethers. Did that happen in Issue #24? Or is that part of what should have happened in Issue #25? Oh, I don't care! It's not like I'm going to dig out Issue #24 and reread it! I'd sooner rub jalapeño juice into my belly button. But I do learn that Princess Cummerbund does shoot wax out of her orifices! She covered The Joker's Daughter in wax so that she would survive the fireball that engulfed them. And she survived because the wax can't melt unless it has a wick in it!

What happened to Cake's eye? I'm really suspecting somebody skipped an issue! Either that or my mind simply refuses to retain anything written by Ann Nocenti.

Catwoman and Rat-Tail stick a bunch of diamonds in the ceiling of Rock Bottom and Catwoman rushes off to set a time in the Nethers to flood the place. It's all part of a complicated plan to destroy the homes of a bunch of people who weren't bothering Catwoman or Gotham City. Sure, now they've been talking about biological warfare and turning Gotham into a volcano but they were so busy bickering and running diplomatic marriage scams before Catwoman showed up that they were never going to get around to fucking up Gotham City. Besides, Batman would take care of it when it came to that.

And even though most of Nocenti's crap is confusing garbage with plot points that change willy-nilly, I can still forgive her for most of it. She's trying to forge her own path in this comic book! Do things that haven't been done before! Make waves! She's just doing her best. But she's continually been doing one thing that I can't forgive her for. Ever. Never ever.

Catwoman hating on a cat because it's ugly.

Besides, it's not even ugly! Scruffy, maybe! But it's not ugly like those cats with wide set eyes and smooshed in faces! Those cats are ugly! But even then, I still love them and want to eat them up and cuddle them! Of course, I'll be saying, "Who's an ugly boy? Who's an ugly girl? Who's an ugly *checks under tail* castrato!? YOU ARE! YOOOOOUUU ARE!"

I still think Catwoman believes she's writing Catwo-Man and she's too embarrassed to admit she doesn't know what a "Catwo" is. I've said that before and I'll probably say it again! It's the best hypothesis I have for why Nocenti is completely screwing up this job!

And speaking of fucking up characters, here's another!

He's a survivalist. That's what they do. They survive. But now he'd rather die than survive by any means? He just threw his whole fucking life out the window. For what? Revenge? It just goes to show that Nocenti's characters serve the plot instead of the other way around. You know, the way it should be. The characters should drive the narrative.

Catwoman and Warhog talk past each other for a few panels and ultimately decide to work together. I think. It's hard to interpret when they're having two separate conversations. Anyway, Warhog is going to go delay Doctor Phosphorus while Catwoman rigs the Nethers to flood the place. This comic book is halfway over and The Joker's Daughter, prominently displayed on the cover, is barely a part of the story.

And just as I open my big mouth, Catwoman comes upon The Joker's Daughter and frees her from the wax. Why? Because why wouldn't you trust some crazy woman who worships The Joker and wears his face? She'll obviously join you in your plan to destroy the Underground which she wants to rule, right?

Wrong. Did I have to say wrong? You all knew it was wrong, right?

The Joker's Daughter attacks Catwoman and almost burns a grin into her face before Catwoman finds Duela's weakness!

Her testicles?

Judging by my writing ability, I'm fairly certain I have a juvenile, pathetic weakness as well.

Actually, it's The Ugly Cat whom Catwoman believes nobody could ever love. She threatens its life to get The Joker's Daughter to help her. What a fucking jerk! I hate you, Catwoman! You don't deserve the name!

Meanwhile at the big sock hop, Warhog can stand up to Doctor Phosphorus because he's immune to his fireballs. No, wait. He's immune to his "toxic fireballs." But wouldn't he not be immune to the incredible heat generated by the fireballs? How could Ann Nocenti miss such a crucial detail as this?!

Then some other shit happens and Catwoman's trap is set off and everyone is buried and images and hands and whips and shit and it's over somehow. And then the epilogue happens. This epilogue had better end with Catwoman apologizing to Ugly Cat and living happily ever after with it! I might forgive Nocenti if that happens!

That doesn't happen. The epilogue is eight separate panels concluding the stories of all the various characters plus three bonus panels for that "The End?" with a question mark feeling. Let's go over them, shall we?

Panel One: A raven flies off with one of Doctor Phosphorus's Gembombs. Big fucking deal. That just steals the thunder of the final "The End?" triptych!

Panel Two and Three: Doctor Phosphorus mourns his dead daughter, Princess Clambake. Cake mourns his dead father, Warhog. I guess that means the families can now only be joined in marriage if Doctor Phosphorus marries Cake.

Panel Four: The idiots in the bunker realize they've been locked in with no women. They say, "Without women there will be no children. We didn't build a safehouse, we built a trap. We're all going to die." You guys do know that even with women, you'll eventually die, right? Or do you have science chemicals to turn children into longevity serums?

Panel Five: The Joker's Daughter grins evilly under the Narration Boxes about not having any women. Oh! Oh! She has a tribe of women! Maybe they can work out a deal if they open up their bunker! I'm sure they'll consider it after every corner of the bunker is a yellow-stained crusty mess.

Panel Six: Ugly Cat says, "RROOOOO." I guess that means Ugly Cat will be back to scratch out Catwoman's eyes for being such a jerko!

Panel Seven: Oh wait. This one is too good. Let me scan it.

"Thanks for going through a shit-ton of fucking trouble to save my life, Catwoman! Thanks for seeming to really care about me a lot, possibly becoming my friend after it's all over. Bye! Bye Catwoman! See you around sometimes probably never fuck you get out!"

Panel Eight: Alice Tesla once again proves she doesn't actually know what the fuck she's doing as she says everybody is safe from the exploding gems. Then that "The End?" thing occurs as Alice assures Catwoman that the right Power Chord will never again be hit ever in a bajillion years. The final panel is a fat lady singing because Ann Nocenti couldn't help herself and the audience member watching the singer says, "Is that the end?" I fucking hope so!

Catwoman #26 Rating: -2 Ranking. This book is just awful. The end?

Larfleeze #6

The Orange Lantern symbol looks like a cute, fat, angry stick figure.

Since a new god named Errata is going to be introduced soon, I have a feeling that everything we've learned so far might wind up being wrong. Her power is probably to footnote any statement to explain how things really happened and how the speaker has gotten it wrong. I wonder if every sentence out of Errata's mouth will begin with "actually"?

The Orange Lanterns continue to argue about what to do with Larfleeze. Without Larfleeze to tell them what to do, they're useless! I mean, they're fun to look at but don't ask them what toppings they want on the pizza you're ordering. Once again, the issue begins with the Orange Lanterns making sure to call each other by name so that the reader remembers them for the next ten minutes while the reader finishes the comic book. I have a feeling no matter how many times I read "Sound Dancer," I'm still going to refer to her as "No-face Korean Ghost Monster."

Larfleeze haz revelations.

How do actual comic book reviewers review comic books without vomiting all over themselves? I really want to know because I'm tired of doing laundry! How does Melissa Grey over at IGN write "Though details are sparse, the mood evoked by the segment's visuals paints a vivid picture" without holding her empty Starbucks Iced Tea cup firmly on the desk and smashing her head down into the straw to give herself a quick lobotomy? She ends her review with "The intrigue of the book's first few pages loses steam, and one can't help but wonder how the present day's events will circle back to reclaim it." I remember writing things like this at 4:36 A.M. on the day a paper was due and then keeping the line preserved in a notebook entitled "Perfect Ways to End Papers." I should search for more examples of reviewers writing things that I can't write so that it doesn't look like I'm singling out Melissa but I'm a lazy asshole. It's probably a compliment that I chose Melissa's review! Not a compliment from me, of course! A compliment from Lord Google that he listed her review first when I looked up "Batwoman Reviews."

Being a comic book reviewer has got to be a tough job. It would drive me crazy to have to think up new and entertaining ways to talk about how the art brings the book to life or made my eyes bleed or caused me to remember that week I spent crying, locked up in my room because my cat had been hit by a car. At least Melissa is making a review as interesting as she can. I'd probably just submit, "How high does the numerical rating system go? 10? Then this was like a 6.2 or something. There was punching."

No, seriously! I wasn't having a go at Melissa! I was trying to point out something lacking in myself! I just can't write actual reviews of things. I can type out the thoughts I have as I read a comic book. But that's not even close to giving somebody else a brief synopsis of the quality of the comic book without spoiling the fuck out of it. Maybe I should just apologize.

I'm sorry, Melissa. To make it up to you, I'll purchase your book, The Girl at Midnight, when it's available. And I promise not to review it because I'm a dick and an asshole and that probably wouldn't go very well, no matter how truly amazing the book is.

I don't even know why I bother to try to explain myself when the internet just wants to believe what it wants to believe no matter how much I try to over-explain myself! Usually I just don't try to explain myself because however somebody interprets something you say, that's what they're going to believe you said no matter how many times you tell them they got it wrong and that they're fucking idiots.

Okay. Back to selfishness! A topic I'm having a bit of trouble understanding but at least the art in this comic book evokes a magic night on mushrooms playing with the fairy people only to wake up in a wet field the next day covered in smashed and stinking fairy people. Also, fairy people are actually cow manure.

Oh! I get it now! This review stuff is easy!

Like Ahab suddenly realizing the giant fish is made of sterner stuff than his glorious ship, Larfleeze lost his power to his underlings when they took his ring and made him a slave! But even more like a reviewer that never actually finished reading Moby Dick but likes to pretend that he has read it and understood every aspect of it completely, Larfleeze regains his power and strikes down all those that would point out he's gotten the entirety of the theme wrong. STRIKES THEM DOWN DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!

Pulsar Stargrave and The Wanderer visit The Council of Ten's Space Headquarters.

Only nine of the Council can be seen in the above panel so maybe the tenth one will silently rise up behind Pulsar and The Wanderer. And Pulsar will say, "Really? That's your enemy? Those big fat moldy old disgusting sarcophagus people?" And The Wanderer will grimace and flick her eyes back behind them. And Pulsar will say, "Are we really doing this cliche say something bad about someone who happens to be standing right behind me scene?"

Pulsar learns that there are only nine members in the Council of Ten, so I guess I was wrong about the stupid talking about somebody standing behind you scene. Which is good because how many times are we, as an audience, going to have to suffer through that fucking shit? I think the Writer's Guild should make a law that that joke can only be used in shows meant for children under twelve. Because they're the only ones who haven't seen it dozens of times already.

The Wanderer wants to infiltrate the Council of Ten which probably means climbing inside one of them. But since The Council of Ten is still looking for a tenth member, I'm hoping they choose Larfleeze. Or Cheeks the Toy Wonder. Who, I have to state angrily, can not be created in Scribblenauts Unmasked.

I guess that will work as well. Well, not as well since my plan is obviously the most superior plan. But their plan will do. I suppose.

Back to Larfleeze, I guess his gigantic orange explosion that decimated the planet didn't kill any of the previously dead ex-Orange Lanterns after he stole their rings and their was no way they could protect themselves. I think the cartoony art is supposed to prepare the reader for Looney Tunes type situations like this! Also it's a comic book and not reality which I keep forgetting. Anyway, Larfleeze has an ultimatum for his ex-Orange Lanterns. Or possibly a penultimatum.

What does Larfleeze care which they choose? Once he kills them, he'll have them as an orange construct again! Way to take a stupid stand, Clypta!

Larfleeze doesn't kill them and he doesn't make slaves of them. He just ditches them on their dead planet and heads off to find his butler. Even though it seems hopeless that the ex-Orange Lanterns will find rescue in an infinite universe, I have a feeling some kind of cosmic coincidence will happen their way and pick them up in his space taxi.

Larfleeze #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. I've been hoping for a more whimsical, humorous book to hit The New 52 on a regular basis but this just hasn't been it. Not at all. I like the look of the book but I'm not finding it very funny. It sometimes feels like it's getting more interesting by evoking visual mood evocations, but then it loses steam and leaves one wondering how events will chug back around to pick up the interest that it forgot to take with it. CHOOOOO! CHOOOOO!

Red Lanterns #26

If the Red Lanterns were drawn to irrational anger wherever it occurs in the universe, they'd spend all of their time at fast food drive-thrus.

Do Red Lanterns need to recharge their rings if they don't make light constructs? And if they don't make light constructs, does that mean they're not tapping the emotional spectrum? If that's the case then they're the only Lantern Corps that is fit to serve as Guardians of the Universe (if you buy into Relic's hypothesis and if they give up trying to replicate Rankorr's abilities). I suppose their rings work somewhat differently and tap straight into the emotional spectrum, pumping Red Light into the bodies of the Red Lanterns on a continual basis. Which would probably make them the worst wasters of emotional spectrum energy! Perhaps energy from the emotional spectrum is simply used up whenever anybody has strong emotions of any kind. Which would make Hal Jordan the worst waster of emotional energy as he willfully disregards the right, just, and non-selfish path to be taken in every single circumstance in his life.

That has nothing to do with this comic book because what the fuck do the Red Lanterns care about wasting emotional energy? And anyways, Peak Emotion is a myth at best and a huge con job at worst, perpetrated by arrogant, know-it-all scientists that are obviously making up everything just to get their hands on government grant money. If we're so low on emotional energy, how come I got so mad at my neighbor's kid yesterday that I stole his soccer ball, drew his face on it with a permanent marker, and fucked it straight in the eye? If we were running out of emotional energy, I probably would have just rolled my eyes and kept watching Judge Judy. Fucking scientists.

It is telling, though, that the people who blame scientists for being greedy, selfish narcissists are themselves greedy, selfish narcissists. People tend to live in a world where they automatically assume that everybody ultimately reacts the same way as they do and have the same needs and desires as they have. That's why I tend to believe that everybody hates Scott Lobdell, that they're all gorgeous geniuses, and that they all frequently engage in frank discussions about masturbation. The Non-Certified Spouse says that I give people the benefit of the doubt way too often. That's because I'm projecting my own superior being onto everyone I meet! Whenever I greet somebody, I say, "So, you must be an amazing lover." Then I glance down to see how strong their forearms look.

No wonder I always fall behind on my comic book reading. Why can't I stay on topic?

So, as you can see by the cover, The Red Lanterns had been captured by some jerk named Gensui. Except the cover shows Zilius Zox also captured (if you squint just right, you'll see him right behind Bleez!) and he isn't at all captured! He's upgrading the Red Lantern's ship with some super special upgrade that I bet is some kind of remote control doodad so that the ship can fly in to rescue them right before the firing squad kills them!

The Red Lanterns are captured in a Chill Field which gives Gensui a moment to explain to them the tricks of his trade.

If it was the fancy mustaches, 85% of the population in Portland would be dictators.

I have now taken some night-time sleepy time cough medicine so I hope I can make it through the entire issue before nodding off.

Zilius Zox skedaddles in Pirate Barg's ship, probably to go off and do it to his horse. But Gensui decides to go Full Empire on Zilius Zox's ass and demonstrate his Cosmic Death Weapon on Zox and Barg's ship. Barg is not very happy about this turn of events. But what can he do? He isn't going to betray his best friend just for some ship, right? He's no leader of a cloud mining colony that has gambling debts he needs to pay off! He'll probably just sit back and accept that he's Gensui's little bitch.

Gensui blasts Zilius Zox's teeny, tiny pub-shaped ship but not before Zox fists it with his ring hand. I bet that will get it moving!

Meanwhile on Goswam, Atrocitus fucks a giant in the ear.

After supposedly killing Zilus Zox, Gensui gives the command to kill the rest of the Red Lanterns. Except for Ratchet, they all take death in stride. Ratchet's ring seems to be wanting to abandon him, probably because he's been having kind and altruistic thoughts. Now it's going to leave him for sure because he's sacrificed himself to save the rest of the Red Lanterns as he blocks all the gunfire with his tentacles and his face. And that's when Zilius Zox returns with his fist up the ass of a star ship, blasting away at Gensui's army and saving the day! After Ratchet saved the day, of course. But Ratchet's Day Save didn't fully take because the guards still had more ammunition in their gun and Ratchet only has so much surface area with which to block bullets.

If I were writing this comic book, the ship would eventually gain Artificial Intelligence and it would have a huge crush on Zilius Zox.

Zox destroys the weapon that was producing the Happy Go Lucky Field around the Red Lanterns so that they can return to flipping the fuck out. Pirate Barg runs away because he probably has some secret means to reboard his ship so that he can cause trouble later. And Bleez kills Gensui because he's a weak-willed jerko that would rather not kill all the slaves on the planet and die quickly than kill them all and be tortured by the Red Lanterns for as long as their attention span holds out.

Speaking of attention spans which may or may not have anything to do with the next bit (depending on how you perceive shit), whatever happened to the female Czarnian Red Lantern? She just stopped being drawn in the background and then all the Red Lanterns died from Poisoned Red Energy and/or Relic and/or The Insatiables or whatever the fuck the creatures living under Ysmault's surface were called. How the fuck am I supposed to remember fucked up on cough medicine? Not that I'd remember anyway.

Ratchet dies from his wounds and he gives a really heart-felt and touching speech which I considered scanning but he speaks it in a much smaller font than the rest of the comic book and he makes sure to place his speech bubbles as far apart as he can in a panel that stretches the entire length of a page. That means even if I scan it, it would probably be really hard to read. So I'll just summarize what he said here:

"Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry! Never gonna say goodbye! Never gonna tell a lie and hurt..KKKKTT!"

That "KKKKTT" noise at the end was the death rattle sound effect of a brainy blob of tentacles. So sad.

Back on Goswam, Atrocitus comes inside the giant's head and the giant dies.

Red Lanterns #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can't wait to see who Ratchet's ring chooses as the new Red Lantern! I bet it'll be some super villain from Earth because that would be exciting and the Red Lanterns could use more people from Earth, right? Maybe it'll choose a puppy! No, puppies don't have rage. Perhaps a Gerbil?