Dial H #7

Did Manteau turn into The Protozoan Legion?

I forgot that last issue China Mieville called Alan Moore an insensitive pig and a racist. That was pretty funny. I think it was funny. It's funny to call someone a racist, right? But it's not funny to be racist? I think that's how society works. You people and your society sure have some funny rules. I'm glad I don't take any part in it.

The issue begins with Nelson and Roxie on the road. They've been traveling around the world stopping criminals as they search for a second dial. Most of the shots of places they've been just show Nelson's superhero profile, so I really can't take a guess as to what his hero's name might be. In one panel he calls himself the Tree Knight and in another, he's unnamed but it's pretty obvious who he is as he puts a bunch of angry, buzzing Neo Nazis to sleep.

He's the Beekeeper! Yeah, not very imaginative of my to guess that but his epaulets have a "B" and a "K" on them, so I'm pretty sure it's just that simple.

Nelson and Roxie have been investigating "Dial Cults" across the world. The cults are a mix of Lovecraft and phone phreaking and Catholicism all mixed with a schizophrenic's game of telephone. But Roxie is the closest thing to a professional when it comes to the dial, so she's finally ready to confront the man at the head of the Dial Cults in Paris.

I didn't realize they were in Paris all this time since the Eiffel Tower wasn't in any of the shots! Sure there was a flag and a French language magazine so it was obvious they were in France. But there wasn't one single shot of the Eiffel Tower! Although I should have guessed they were in Paris since in the DCnU, Paris is France.

The Church of the Phone. Some days, I think I'm the only one that's not a member since I don't own a cell phone. Sure, I have a burner for my business. But that barely gets any use at all. Quiet clients are happy clients!

Before Manteau and Nelson freak out the Dial Cult's Pope with an appearance of some wacky super hero, let me answer a question I asked a few issues ago about whether or not Nelson can use the Dial to turn into one of the super heroes currently in the New 52: Yes! The scan I made of Dial "H" for Hero from the 1985 edition of Who's Who shows dozens of characters that the kids of that series turned into. One may be Bouncing Boy from Legion of Super-heroes but one of them is definitely Plastic Man! So there you have it! Nelson might one day turn into Martian Manhunter! Unless the character has to be outside the current dimension. Then he'll simply have to make do with turning into Jay Garrick's Flash or Alan Scott's Green Lantern.

Roxie walks in on the leader of the Cult and transforms in front of him to prove to him that she is an angel of the Dial. She doesn't know French so she's memorized a speech which she's having a bit of trouble remembering.

Mecha Woodlouse talk pretty one day.

Back in Littleville, somebody is nosing around. He's got a mole on his face and a nose that looks like it's been punched a dozen dozen times. Maybe it's Robby Reed, the original Dial "H" for Hero kid! Or maybe it's someone else. I wonder what kind of odds Vegas would give on that information? "Well, it's either Robby Reed or one of the other white males on the planet." Maybe I should get a job as a detective. He's asking questions about Dials and Manteaus and threatening people from Ex Nihilo's ex-organization. Since he's threatening people that used to be criminals, that could make this guy good or bad!

Meanwhile, Roxie and Nelson have rented a boat to go diving. They were told something relating to the Dial had been found in an old outpost of Atlantis. Now they just need to dial up Aquaman and they'll be able to take a look for themselves.

More powerful than Aquaman but not right for the job. Next!

Oh! Now the cover makes sense! Manteau is going to turn into Plankton Person! And after another page of fruitless changing from far away so that the reader can't see what silly things they're turning into, voila!

Grunion Guy would have been better.

The Planktonian find the ruins. They also find a bunch of french military gear abandoned down below. Manteau engages in an epic fight with a whale before climbing back on board the boat. They realize that someone on the military team found the dial and used it to escape whatever guardians killed the rest. And then they remember one of the pictures they saw in the French magazine I mentioned earlier.

I don't know my fucking birds so I won't even guess at what this thing is.

So it's off to Canada to find this guy. Meanwhile in Littleville, the mystery man exposes his secret identity. He's The Centipede! He's called that because he can rewind time and it creates lots and lots of weird after images of himself as he reverses timelines that don't work out so well for him.

Dial H #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. Every month there's enough going on in this comic that it doesn't feel like one of these measly new 20 page comics. And you can tell it's written by someone who's serious about writing. Maybe I said that wrong. Lobdell and DeFalco may be serious about writing as well! I guess I should have said, "you can tell it's written by someone who's proficient at writing." Or something. I don't know. Maybe I should have said something else. I hate writing!

Green Arrow #15

Someday, Green Arrow is going to encounter somebody who is as good a shot with a gun as he is with an arrow. Please let that day be today!

I remember it so clearly still, that first day I encountered Ann Nocenti writing Green Arrow. I thought it was going to be interesting to see how a female writer writes a male character. At first, Green Arrow sounded like he was spouting poetry writing by an angsty teenaged girl. It didn't sound like an angsty teenaged boy's poetry because it wasn't about a girl not wanting to touch his wiener. I forget what the poetry was. But it was the beginning of her King Lear arc, so it was fitting that it sounded like he was giving a soliloquy. I remember liking some things she was doing but I don't remember what any of those things were.

But that was a long time ago and those memories have been buried under a load of some of the worst writing in The New 52. But the reason I bring this up is because Nocenti is beginning a new story and there's a chance it could be interesting! She has had a few story ideas I liked but I felt they were handled amateurishly. Maybe she saved her best story for last! Although writers usually turn in their worst work when they know they won't be on a book for much longer and Lemire is coming in to clean up this mess. So while I'm not thrilled about reading walrus magnetic poetry, I'm going to try to go in with an open mind.

Now is the part where I usually scan in the first page of the comic and it's really, really awful and I sigh and I give up trying to like Nocenti's writing immediately. But instead, I just plow through a couple of pages to let the story sink in before I comment.

And then he sets himself up with lines like this!

As you can see, Green Arrow is fighting fishermen and dogs. He's also fighting a really bad headache because he seems to have received a concussion during his fight with the Warhawks. At least that's the conclusion Ollie has come to but how can he be trusted? He's got a concussion!

Green Arrow also just dumped a shitload of assault weapons into the bay. The owner, a one-eyed guy named Harrow, isn't exactly thrilled with this. That's his dog in the scan. He's also hanging out with a street tough kid named Pike. Green Arrow is not exactly shaking in his knee high boots. But what did I tell you? Ann Nocenti isn't going to waste her best material on a book she knows she's not writing much longer. So she pits Green Arrow against Harrow and Pike and their dog.

While the truly evil and despicable bad guys are confronting Green Arrow for ruining their brilliant crime spree, a Seattelite twirling a baton asks him if he's going to be in the "Sea Day Parade" the next day.

Please. This is Seattle! She'd be twirling fire not a baton!

With the threat of an instant hit having been placed on Green Arrow's head, he runs for his life! The baton twirler reminds him his head is bleeding and Green Arrow has a flashback to how it happened. But he's got a concussion so his Narration Boxes aren't quite up to snuff. Here! Let me transcribe them for you!

I remember--we attacked the Warhawks...

I didn't see one behind me...

He whacked my head...

I shook it off. But now, it hurts...

So across seven pages, Green Arrow has mentioned how his head hurts three different times. Plus the woman reminded him that his melon was cracked. I'm beginning to suspect something might be wrong with Green Arrow's head!

Then Green Arrow is falling! He's falling literally. He's falling figuratively! The kid see's he's falling because Green Arrow's head hurts. His head hurts which makes him fall figuratively. His head hurts which makes him fall literally. Then he fell! The kid saw him fall! Green Arrow's hurt head made him fall!

Oh! OH! Maybe Green Arrow is going to ignore his concussion for the next two issues and then fall into a coma! When he awakens, he'll be ready to begin his new life as a fun and well-written super hero in issue #17!

Even when all of Green Arrow's lackeys tell him he's got a serious head injury and he's probably going to die, he ignores them to go after Harrow. And they just let him go because why not let the guy with the head injury decide what's best for the guy with the head injury!

Back at Harrow's hideout, his fishermen lackeys are involved in "deep Freudian psychobabble," according to the sexy woman that sexily smears smelly fish ice all over her face when she arrives.

I believe "wicked hate on" and "played tic-tac-toe on that fat guy's butt" are stereotypically Freudian conceits.

Oh, and here's Gloria sexifying herself up with ice from the fish bucket.

The way her right arm snaps into her shoulder for added articulation is so fucking hot!

Gloria is getting all dolled up to enjoy the night's entertainment: Pike, the street tough, is fighting Jaws, the dog! And Green Arrow finds out where the fight is happening by stepping outside for one second because the hit on his head (not that hit! The other hit!) has caused everybody in Seattle with a gun to immediately try to kill him as soon as he shows his face. But Green Arrow turns the tables on the gangster and is soon headed to the dog fight.

My mistake! It's not a dog fight at all!

Green Arrow crashes the weird fucking party. He strings up Harrow while Pike decides he might possibly like women better than dogs and skins out with Gloria. The other people their to watch the Dog Show go after Green Arrow because they could really use the money for hitting Green Arrow's hurt head.

I'm really falling into a lazy pattern of ending all of my commentaries with a scan of the final page of the comic. I'm the exact opposite of all the other online reviews! They'll never reveal the final page but my whole write-up depends upon it!

Green Arrow #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm declaring right now that this was the best issue of Green Arrow to date! Not the best issue to take to dinner and hope you get lucky with it. The best issue so far! Believe me or don't believe me, what the fuck do I care? But, no, seriously. Why wouldn't you believe me? Haven't we developed a trust between us? I write shitty reviews that don't actually review the comics and, more often than not, mislead you, the reader, into believing the comic was about something it wasn't at all? Like a Dog Sex Show? We got a thing going here, right? I mean, if you're not going to trust me at this late stage of the game, what are we doing here? Maybe we should just call it quits? I guess this relationship is like a turd that just won't fucking flush.
Oh, um, never mind all that. The reason this is the best Green Arrow so far is because it wasn't trying to be something it's not. Nocenti wasn't trying to over-intellectualize the story. Green Arrow wasn't acting out of character and doing weird shit that no super hero has ever done before. He was just acting his conscience by getting rid of a load of guns and then dealing with the aftermath of his impulsive decision. Plus his head hurts! Boy, I hope it's a stroke!

G.I. Combat #7

How did Jeb Stuart and his horse both come to haunt a tank?

Last issue, I realized that the old Haunted Tank stories looked really fun and interesting, at least in comparison to the Tank running over Afghan soldiers and karate kicking Detroit cops (well, that was kind of exciting). And now I'm wondering how the tank became haunted? Well never fear! My mom finally did something right and brought up my 1985 Who's Who comic books! Let's take a look at The Haunted Tank's entry!

Here's The Haunted Tank on the back cover of Who's Who Volume X. Who else can you name? This issue is brought to you by the letter H.

If you don't want to strain your eyes reading the text, here are a couple of pertinent and ridiculous bits: ". . . the spirit of Alexander the Great assigned the ghost of General Stuart to act as the guardian of the Stuart M3 tank commanded by the general's namesake, Sgt. Jeb Stuart, in North Africa. General Stuart was outraged, since Sgt. Stuart and his crew were all Northerners. However, the general was greatly impressed watching Sgt. Stuart and his men in battle. Finally, Sgt. Stuart, who could see the general's ghost, won him over by flying a Confederate flag on his tank . . . ."

So when is the Confederate Flag going to get placed back on the tank, hmm? Wouldn't want to upset the ghost of General Stuart, would we? Maybe they could install a fucking cotton gin on the back while they're at it. Notice that the Haunted Tank's first appearance was in G.I. Combat #87? I have a feeling modern comic book writers just don't know how to tell a modern war story and make it fun for comic books. Nobody wants to read serious war stories, especially when they're all about the same fucking thing: young, brave Americans fighting back the evil terrorists. Or should I say young Americans hoodwinked by imperialist propaganda to kill brown people on foreign soil for capitalist interests and the illusion of keeping people free. Oh, the good old days when a Haunted Tank could fly a racist flag and fight mystic Nazi armies while losing most of its crew every few issues.

I guess I need to stop living in the past even though in the past they were apparently still living in the past. At least this new Haunted Tank is finally facing off against a crazy Nazi weapon: The War Wheel!

I'm pretty sure I could defeat the War Wheel with one well placed brick.

The Stuarts come up with a plan to defeat the War Wheel with a single haunted tank: abandon the tank! The young Stuart runs across the snow and ice while dodging thousands of rounds of ammunition and jumps harmlessly up on the front of the War Wheel like he was a tramp stumbling into an open freight car. I guess he snuck up on the Wheel from the back as it barreled across the snow or else he would have hopped on and instantly been crushed. Luckily, he climbs aboard and it apparently rotates slowly enough for him to climb to the top of it and find an unlocked hatch so he can slip in and defeat it from the inside. Meanwhile, the Haunted Tank shows it's proficient in Greco-Roman wrestling as well as martial arts.

The South will rise again!

After pinning the War Wheel with the Haunted Tank, old man Stuart manages to enter the War Wheel as well. The War Wheel's insides must exist in an alternate dimension or maintains its own gravity since young Stuart doesn't seem hampered by Wheel suddenly falling flat. Inside, they find the Wheel is hooked up directly to The Desert Fox Rommel's brain. His ancestor tells his plan in German so it's lost on young Stuart. Boring story short, everyone is mortally wounded except for young Stuart. He carries his grandpa back to the Haunted Tank.

Later at Old Man Stuart's funeral, Colonel Steve Trevor makes some small talk with Young Man Stuart and his connection to the Haunted Tank. Trevor drops the name "A.R.G.U.S." to see if the kid is interested in becoming a really stupid super hero with a wrestling tank that knows karate. But he seems to just want to live his life. Besides, his comic book has been cancelled.

"Forgive me for committing treason but Colonel Steve Trevor said it was okay!"

The Unknown Soldier story finishes with him killing everyone.

G.I. Combat #7 Rating: Does it even matter? DC already cancelled his fucking title when it was Men of War! And now they've cancelled it again. Big surprise. The actual biggest surprise of this comic book was The Unknown Soldier story! It was simply the plot changing from one potential disaster to another potential disaster with the Unknown Soldier killing every single person he met along the way. Eventually he met the people at the heart of all of the problems and killed them too. This book was generally horrible.

You know what? It does matter! -4 Ranking!

Earth 2 #7

Hawkgirl really wants Alan to join her Society of Justice.

I wonder if the people of Earth 2 are constantly teased because they live on Earth Poop! That's because a Number Two is a Bowel Movement. I probably didn't need to explain that to anybody. That's like one of the first things toddlers learn after yelling "NO!" and slapping people in the face.

Speaking of bowel movements, I have a story that relates to both pooping and comic books! Remember in Pulp Fiction how John Travolta's character kept missing major moments in the movie because he was off taking a crap? He even ends up dying because he was in the bathroom missing out on life. My cousin used to refuse to go to the bathroom until he was nearly pissing himself when we were kids because he didn't want to miss out on any of the fun by being in the bathroom. So when Pulp Fiction came out, all I could think about was my cousin. But we need to use the toilet so much, my guess is that everybody's life is changed at one moment or another simply because they were in the bathroom. My moment was that I missed getting a job at a comic book store when I was in college at San Jose State. I was, um, making a Number Two when the comic shop called me back for the job. They left a message on the phone but when I was finally able to get back to them, nobody answered. By the time I did reach them, the job was filled.

I have a feeling this moment was actually a good one to miss. I would have been making minimum wage at a store that was half sports collectibles anyway. Working there, I wouldn't have been available when my friend Mike set me up with a job at his office installation company and I never would have ended up managing a warehouse on the Netscape Campus and saving a shit ton of money so I could travel cross country in my VW Bus and travel around Asia. So fuck you, comic book store that simply had to call me while I was pooping! I'm glad I missed that opportunity!

After that introduction to Earth 2, I'm expecting this comic to be shitty.

The Heroes of Earth 2 are much smarter than those idiots over on Earth New 52. I don't know what Earth the main Earth is because DC has been putting out those Earth 1 comic books and those certainly don't take place on the Earth of the New 52!

I wonder if Etrigan poops? I don't think Superman or Supergirl need to poop unless they eat. So Superman probably poos all of the time because he's trying to live a normal human life as Clark Kent. I wonder if his poops are super dense? Can Earth plumbing even handle them? Maybe they can be used as fuel like Nibbler's poops on Futurama! What about The Flash? Can he poo really fast? I bet because his system is so sped up, when he needs to pee or poo, he probably only has seconds before getting to the bathroom! I wonder if Hawkgirl ever flies up really high and just drops one over the city?

Technically, you do "do team." You're the CEO of Global Broadcasting. The entire company is your "team." You couldn't do it without them. Jerk!

Alan Scott was so angry about Sam's death, he trashed his apartment before the comic book began. Hawkgirl noticed so when Alan won't join the team, she pisses him off even more and flies away. That must be why they fight! Because Kendra is being a total hawkbitch by shooting a crossbow bolt into a picture of Sam and Alan.

Meanwhile, the world's smartest man, Terry Sloan, has been made head of the World Science Directive. This has pissed off Amar Khan who is head of the World Army or something like that. Amar thinks Sloan is a psychopath and an asshole and an arrogant bastard, so he's keeping a whole lot of eyes on him. I don't know who Amar Khan is but he's probably someone from the Justice Society. Maybe he's a new Doctor Fate. Whoever he is, he's sent Wesley Dowd and his Sandmen to check out one of Terry Sloan's secret bases. Maybe they'll find Mister Terrific.

Even on Earth 2, you can't have Paris without the Eiffel Tower.

Oh look. They found Mister Terrific!

Mister Terrific's balls have definitely seen better days.

Mister Terrific seems to be under mind control by Sloan. The Sandmen put him to sleep and taken him prisoner. Is Mister Terrific ever going to appear in an issue of Earth 2 where he doesn't get his ass kicked, get knocked unconscious, and then get taken prisoner? I think he's probably way down around the sixteenth smartest person now.

Some more bickering and arguing finishes out the issue. But more importantly, an unfinished female Red Tornado promises to be up and running soon. It was began by Amar Khan and his team but they've had trouble with it so Terry Sloan and his techs are going to fix her up. That means Red Tornado will probably be made to do horrible things for Sloan but it will retain whatever sense of right and justice Amar Khan instilled in it. You know? Just like the original Red Tornado created by T.O. Morrow!

Earth 2 #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. Alan Scott and Kendra Munoz-Saunders never fight in the sky like the cover depicted. But that's a good thing! Who needs more heroes battling each other? I enjoyed the pacing of this issue. A lot of people trying to outmaneuver a lot of other people and a half-finished female robot and lots and lots of pooping.

Stormwatch #15

Dammit. I don't see Dex Starr on the cover! Next month then.

Last issue ended with a visit from a Shadow Lord. The Shadow Lords have decided that Stormwatch is no longer going to be concerned with alien threats. Their new assignment is to control or destroy Earth's super heroes. So I guess in some cases that's still being concerned with alien threats, what with Superman and Martian Manhunter and Blue Beetle and sort-of Green Lantern.

The Shadow Lords are sexist and misinformed. Hal Jordan is gone, idiots. And Wonder Woman should be there instead of Batman.

Harry Tanner might be the best liar across all space and time but his plan still has some pretty major faults. Just as he's trying to get DC to finally pit Apollo against Superman and The Midnighter against Batman, The Projectionist escapes his clutches and calls to Stormwatch to bring her home. And The Midnighter can already tell by The Shadow Lord's body language that it's Harry Tanner. Hey, Harry Tanner! I have some words of wisdom jammed in my head from a young age thanks to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints!

"My teacher told me I should never tell a lie.
For a lie will bring you trouble, by and by.
It's an awful thing to do and it's true and true and true
You'll feel bad and then you'll start to cry!
You'll have a horrid painful pounding in your head.
Then you'll feel your face get hot and turn bright red.
Your heart will start to jump
In your throat you'll get a lump
And you'll feel so bad you'd wish that you could lie right down and die!
You're much better off to never tell a lie
Especially to The Midnighter!
So remember never ever tell a lie!"

I always thought it was the Mormons who also taught me to never refer to any of my friends as "Jewish" because that's prejudice. But it turns out that was from The Department of Health, Education and Welfare!

Or maybe it is okay to tell a lie because The Midnighter realizing this Shadow Lord is Harry Tanner and the Projectionist returning to the Eye of the Storm is all part of the plan! That stupid teacher in that commercial was way off base. Lies get things done!

The Projectionist tells everyone that Harry Tanner died when their Antarctic Base exploded. The Engineer won't take her word for it so she engages her brain directly.

It's simply convenient to pretend the brain stores files in MP4 and WAV formats for easy playback.

The faked conversation between Harry and Midnighter makes it seem like Midnighter doesn't really love Apollo and that he's ready to bring the whole team down.

Can I make a comparison between this comic and an earlier issue of Grifter for a moment? This is how you deal with two characters one-upping each other with their powers. The Midnighter is probably the most observant person in the DCnU. He can't be fooled. But Harry Tanner is the greatest liar and manipulator in the DCnU. So Harry works the Midnighter's ability into his lie so that his plan will be successful. Now it's up to Midnighter to somehow convince everyone of the truth. This is a well put together conflict. Back in Grifter, Liefeld simply had Grifter con Helspont and then Helpsont say, "I knew you were going to do that which is why I did this." And then Grifter said, "Yeah, but I knew you were going to do that so that's why I did this!" And then Helspont said, "Yeah but I knew how this whole thing would end so I put together a simulation to make you think it ended the way you wanted it to end but really I won and now I know shit about you that you don't know I know because I'm not really saying this last bit to you." Or something like that. It wasn't well written and thought out. It was just shifting reality back and forth to make it look like two characters were outdoing one another.

Dammit! Why am I still writing about Rob Liefeld's shit?! I'm caught in his trap. I guess if you can't be really good at something, you should always be the absolute worst at it. At least people keep talking about you! I always forget the mediocre writers and artists. I wonder if that was Rob's plan all along? To just be awful at his job but be a really likable guy so he always gets work. Although he might have fucked up that part of his plan by the way he tweeted his way out of the DC Offices.

I guess when you portray yourself as a bad-ass no-holds-barred son of a bitch, people are going to have some trouble believing you. Even the man who supposedly loves your psychopathic ass.

Instead of killing Apollo, Midnighter decides he should probably get away from the situation. He grabs The Projectionist and dives out a teleport door. He grabbed the Projectionist since she's the one with the memories that made him out to be a traitor. Even the Projectionist believes the memories in her mind are real. Although she realizes in a few minutes of conversation with Midnighter that he really is super gay for Apollo. So even she begins to realize her memories aren't quite adding up.

Harry Tanner, Shadow Lord, makes a visit to a science base near where Midnighter and The Projectionist appeared, murders everybody inside, and pins it on The Midnighter. Do the other Shadow Lords just assume this is par for the course for The Fourth Man? Or did Harry do something to them as well? Perhaps they're simply too busy doing nothing in Avalon to care about The Fourth Man and what he's up to. I bet he told them a great big lie to keep them occupied!

I think this means Dex Starr's revenge is going to be delayed at least another month.

Stormwatch #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Harry Tanner's plan really plays to the weaknesses of nearly every member of Stormwatch. I have a feeling it's going to be up to Jenny Quantum or Jack Hawksmoor to see through the lie and figure it out since Harry didn't really incorporate them into his plan. At least not as far as I can tell. Or not yet. He might have realized that Jenny is closest to Apollo so he wouldn't have to worry about her. But Jack Hawksmoor? He's kind of on the sidelines here. Maybe to figure out the truth, he'll contact the other Shadow Lords. Or Las Vegas. One of those.

Action Comics #15

I always pictured Clark Kent at home playing Dungeons & Dragons on prom night.

Last issue, the Little Man from the 5th Dimension revealed to Superman that he's been fucking with Clark Kent his entire life. Then the little man made all of the astronauts' heads explode. Judging from the cover and the first page of this comic, it looks like it will be about some of the shit the Little Man pulled across the years.

On prom night about a decade ago, Clark Kent and Lana Lang returned from the dance to find Pa Kent helping out a Little Salesman with his car. Apparently things went downhill from there.

Can't his landlady use her 5th Dimensional powers to know how things were? Come on, lady! At least lie to him that Prom Night could have been worse!

This conversation with his landlady takes place sometime after Issue #12 but before Issue #14 which is two years in the future. Time is flipping out a bit in Superman's head because Vyndktvx has been messing with Superman's life. His landlady, Mrs. Nyxly, seems to be able to force him into future memories as well since she begins speaking of Superman's far flung future and suddenly that's the story taking place.

Unless it isn't and this all changes later when another 5th Dimensional creature decides to fuck with everything. Why should DC even care about continuity when everything can be explained away by 5th Dimensional characters? Man, DC should just let the writers do whatever they want and if the editors hate something, just retcon it into a "5th Dimensional prank!"

In the future, the sun has expanded into a red giant although Earth somehow was not consumed by the expanding ball of burning gas. Perhaps Superman kept pushing the Earth's orbit outward so it remained in the habitable zone as the sun began menopause. Or maybe this future isn't that far into the future since Superman does seem to age and he shouldn't be alive that long. The villains chasing him definitely shouldn't be alive since they're a conglomeration of all the villains he's encountered so far in Action Comics' New 52 run. Perhaps Mr. Vyndktvx simply switched the color of the sun to depower Superman.

Just as quickly as the memory comes on, it fades away and Superman is back on the roof with Mrs. Nyxly.

Superman is such a boy scout. He won't drink simply because it wouldn't be appropriate since there's no way the alcohol is going to affect his Kryptonian Superliver.

The story Mrs. Nyxly tells is that one everybody knows. You know? The sad king that nobody could make happy, especially the dirty rotten smelly court Magician named Vyndktvx. But one day, a new magician came to the court. His name was Mxyzptlk. And his tricks involved fucking with third dimensional champions in a third dimensional universe he kept rolled up in his hat. None of them could ever make him say his name backwards and the king and his daughter were happy once again watching his silly tricks he played on arrogant, goody two-shoes heroes.

While you're not remembering Mxyzptlk, try not to remember Ambush Bug too!

Vyndktvx used the Multispear in an attempt to kill Mxyzptlk. Instead, he accidentally killed the king. The Multispear became the Multitude on 232 different worlds, destroying 230 of them. Jor-el and Superman stopped it from destroying their worlds. And in so doing, Superman fucked up Vyndktvx's arm. So Vyndktvx wanted retribution.

Why are you reading this commentary? Stop it! Go read the fucking comic book! I never have anything funny to say about it anyway. It's so good!

In Clark's past, prom night apparently went well. In the changed past, Ma and Pa Kent are killed in a traffic accident while Clark is with Lana at prom. Also in the past, Mrs. Nyxly escaped from the 5th Dimension to be born as a normal 3rd Dimensional child. Or she possessed it! She still retains some of what she's always been, allowing Superman to see her real image. But she has lost any powers she had except for a necklace with three wishes given to her by Mxy. She's used two wishes but she never gets a chance to use the third.

This is the first time in 782 comic books that I felt bad about scanning in a spoiler. But I told you in the last caption to stop reading! So I don't feel that bad.

As Superman cradles Mrs. Nyxly's corpse in his hands, he hears somebody say, "There you are!" across every moment of his life. And then, in the far flung future, "Shall we begin?" The person speaking means to begin killing Superman.

The back-up story is about Mr. Mxyzptlk and Mrs. Nyxly and their son, Ferlin Nyxly. Mxy always considered Ferlin his greatest trick of all but Mr.s Nyxly hopes it wasn't. Because she hopes his greatest trick will be to somehow come out of his coma and save Superman. I guess we'll have to see if that happens next month.

Action Comics #15 Rating: +0.5 Ranking. That puts it at a tie with Scott Snyder's Batman. This comic has just been unbelievably well done. And I just have to love a good higher dimensional creature story. I love to read them. And I love to write them.

Batwing #15

Tickle tickle tickle!

What the fuck is going on, DC? I guess it's too much to ask for any kind of consistency in a comic book these days. I understand creative teams change for various reasons (although remember the old days when at least the fucking writer remained on a title for many years?). But we were in the middle of a story line here!

So Judd Winick walks off of Catwoman (leaving that title with the awful Ann Nocenti writing it), refuses to take over Green Arrow after doing the Zero issue (leaving that title with the awful Ann Nocenti writing it), and then walks away from DC altogether. And this happened before Liefeld walked? As you can see, I don't keep up with comic book news until it affects the current title I have in my hands! I like my reality to wash over me, pure and clean!

Now with the news of Gail Simone losing Batgirl (some news gets sent to me by butterforce and other readers), is it finally time to say, "Fucking Rob Liefeld was right"? I don't mean having intercourse with Rob Liefeld is the right intercourse of action. I mean, "Holy fuck. Rob's work may have been a total mess at times but what the fuck is DC's editorial doing?" They take Simone off of Batgirl which just seems like a really fucked decision. They bother Winick enough that he walks off two titles he's been writing well to replace him with Ann Nocenti who I'm pretty sure is just a walrus allowed to roll around on magnetic poetry and whatever sticks to its skin becomes the script for Green Arrow.

And now Fabian Nicieza gets to jump on board Batwing in the middle a story line. Perhaps Fabian wrote some of the previous issues of Batwing as well. Who can fucking tell when cover credits often don't match the inside credits and I don't always pay close enough attention to check them. I hope Fabian takes the Legion Lost story he was writing that DeFalco dumped in the garbage and just begins retelling that story in Batwing. I don't know how the fuck he's going to do that! I just want him to!

The story continues with Dawn dead and Batwing confronting Father Lost. Father Lost immediately possesses Batwing's mind. Again! Oh wait, Judd Winick isn't writing this anymore. I should drop the "again" joke. I should probably drop it anyway since who else remembers him explaining why one of his "Nuts and Bolts" comics was funny simply because of the word "again" way back in The Real World: San Francisco?

Okay, forget The Real World. Forget Judd Winick. Also, let's forget the fact that Dawn gave Batwing a talisman to keep him from being possessed. I mean, that was just last issue and should we really expect the new writer to remember that? Maybe it only had one charge left.

While Batwing is possessed, he's driven deep into his own subconscious. But what does he experience there? Oh, Father Lost's origin, of course!

A ha! I get it! This is an allegory! It's really about how DeFalco fucked Nicieza over and destroyed his Legion Lost story, so now Nicieza is going to do the same thing to Winick's Batwing!

Just like all of the other Cult of Father Lost rituals, this one ends with the Police arriving too late to save most of the victims. Batwing, now possessed by Father Lost, decides he's overlooked the police corruption for the last time. Nicieza also takes this time to showcase his amazing storytelling abilities with this turn of phrase:

Kia Okura is my friend. I want her to be more. I want her to be a bloodsmear!

Luckily someone programmed the Batwing Armor with a switch to lock it up and make David helpless. That was probably Batman's doing. I'm beginning to suspect he has trust issues. The police leave Batwing frozen in place in his armor because it's probably bad luck to unmask a national hero. Then Matu blasts Batwing with thousands of gigawatts of electricity to break the possession. Maybe the electricity is actually to recharge the anti-possession amulet David was given? Whatever the reason, who wants to wear the fucking Batwing armor when some guy with a remote control can put you out of commission if he doesn't like what you're doing?

Matu: "Goddammit, Batwing! You already look fat enough in that armor! Put down those tacos!"
ZZZZZAAAAAAPPPPP!

Yeah, dick.

After Batwing is better, he manages to scoop up Dawn and take her to a hospital where her life is saved because she apparently wasn't dead at all. I guess that's good?

The rest of this story is told clumsily from page to page in short bursts of narration. It reads exactly like someone trying to quickly tie up a story that they had no part in simply to get to their own story. It's not Nicieza's fault at all. But it sure makes for a shitty issue.

The doctors stabilize her. She will live.

I think about what she said all the way to work.

I won't be able to keep my secret from Kia for long. But that's a problem for another time.

I broadcast low frequency signals on the same wavelength that Lost used to subvert my brain activity.

Others controlled by him are drawn to my anger...

Matu programmed a scrambling cycle. It hurts me as much as it does Lost. So it's a good kind of hurt.

However he got his powers--magic or not--he is still nothing more than an insecure little zealot. And the only way to stop someone who needs to feel power over others is to take away their followers.

The grid severs Lost's control over the finders and his flock.

Lost. Utterly lost. All the anger he had "taken" from his flock is back where it belongs. And if Lost falls into the crowd, they will release all of it on him.

Of course Batwing doesn't let Lost fall because Batwing thinks the exact opposite of what Lost said earlier! Batwing believes the point of having endured all his stupid pain and suffering is to try and PREVENT that pain in suffering in others! So this isn't an allegory at all! Nicieza is rising above the stupid shit DeFalco did to Legion Lost! He's promising to respect Winick's story! Except he doesn't respect this Father Lost story very well. But at least he ends it succinctly and coherently if not mundanely and boringly and barely worth my timely.

Batwing #15 Rating: -1 Ranking. This issue was absolutely just filler to finish off Winick's story so Nicieza can get on with his own stuff. Don't read too much into this comparison but it's kind of like reading the first four acts of Othello and then the final act is simply, "Hey man, I loved too greatly and shit went wrong."