Pandora #10

Giganta versus an immortal. I think being gigantic is on par with immortality.

I think Pandora is the daughter of Harbinger and Pariah. It totally makes sense if you just believe anything I say.

I think last issue, some event called Forever Evil: Blight was almost finished. The event spanned eighteen or so issues of four different comic books and eventually culminated in Constantine being kicked out of the Justice League Dark and losing his lease on The House of Mystery. That's pretty much all that happened. Also, Zauriel lost his wings. And maybe The Phantom Stranger learned a hard fought lesson. Pandora just continued to sweat in her cool outfit. God I hope this issue involves a trip to the laundromat and a few shots of Pandora in her underwear.

This issue begins with a bunch of blah blah blah look at Ray Fawkes, Wordsmith, word it up all over the page. The bottom line is that The Crime Syndicate is gone or something. We'll all find out about that whenever Forever Evil #7 hits the shelves. Probably in August.

Look at that outfit! By God, DC got something right.

And immediately after I get done admiring Pandora's outfit, she discards it for her stupid yellow, winged, Ravenesque bullshit costume of hope! I take it back! Fuck you, DC! Even when you get it right, you never realize you've gotten it right! That's why you cancelled Amethyst and The Movement and Dial H and Demon Knights and Grifter! Sure, Grifter should have been cancelled but it was so fun to mock! God that was a terrible comic book.

Pandora declares her love for her weaponsmith, Marcus Aurelius. I sure wish he'd say something wise right now so I can point out how stupid he's being! I'm sure Marcus Aurelius would have something profoundly biting to say about my need to belittle him to make me look smarter! What a jerk! He's long dead and I still can't be wiser than he is because he had the chance to say all that wise shit before I was even born! It's not fair.

Marcus (who probably isn't actually Marcus Aurelius but why not go with it, right? Random speculation has gotten me this far (this far being a website that has about 150,000 unique visitors a month but provides no revenue)!) has failed to fix Pandora's Box but he hasn't failed to fill it. That was a sex joke. I think I promised to give up equating Pandora's Box with her vagina many issues ago but I can't help falling into old habits. You can't teach an old dog how to suck dick. I bet Marcus Aurelius never said that! Ha ha!

Meanwhile Agent Kincaid of ARGUS is still hunting Pandora even though a Vampiric Agent from SHADE has told her to knock it off.

And then there's Giganta! (And then there's Giganta!) And then there's Giganta! (And then there's Giganta!) And then there's Giganta! (And then there's Giganta!) And then there's that larger than living, sneakily shivving, anything but truly forgiving, Right On Giganta!

Speaking of the theme song from Maude (I don't know why the theme song from Maude popped into my head. Who knows where most thoughts truly come from? Except those that come from the constant voices that I can't silence), how the fuck did they get a theme song on the air about a powerful, feminist woman with the lyrics "Joan of Arc was a sister that really cooked." Don't get me wrong: I love that lyric! But shit is it in awful taste!

After punching Giganta off of a roof, she curb stomps her with her massive foot. Pandora's body may be immortal but I don't think you can say the same thing for her dignity. That chick just got bested prison style!

The first thing out of Giganta's mouth is DC's statement that David Finch didn't fuck up by drawing Giganta with both eyes when she appeared in Forever Evil. Or whoever else drew her with both eyes after Pandora "out, vile jelly"'d one of them. She said it was grown back in a lab but we all know what really happened! Some artist fucked the fuck up and then DC got sick of hearing fanpersons saying, "Hey DC! You fucked up!" So They took Ray Fawkes into the back room in Torture Dungeon #3 and said, "Look Ray. Giganta lost an eye in your story. You need to bring her back and explain how come she had eyes in every other appearance after that." And Ray was all, "Fine! Whatever You say! Just let my children go!" And DC was all, "Not yet, Ray. Not yet."

I take back that sarcastic shit about being gigantic versus immortality. Holy fuck!

There's something about being a Master Comic Book Reader (of Winter) that causes one to read comic books on a level above intellect or intuition. It's like absorbing every aspect of the art and words without realizing what you're absorbing or being able to explain how you came to certain conclusions. So when I called Giganta "sneakily shivving" and later said Pandora was "bested prison style," I had no idea that Giganta was soon going to make a point of her time in prison.

I don't mean to jerk off my ego like I usually do. Ray Fawkes and Ig Guara and, I suppose, Ruy Jose should all be commended as well! Whatever subtleties they've placed in the story led me to the belief that Giganta was bringing a prison smackdown to Pandora's front yard. But let's not deny that picking up on those clues is easy! There's a reason I've given myself the title of Master Comic Book Reader and nobody else in the world has! Because nobody else is as good as I am. I think that's the reason.

There's no kind of a beatdown like a prison beatdown on an immortal.

I can't believe some anonymous yahoo asked if my account was a parody account this morning! What the fuck does that even mean? What am I parodying?! How dare you! Also, "Well I never!" And other such phrases of indignity and shock and loss of decorum! Look up the definition of the word "parody", asshole! And then message me and tell me what it means also.

Vandal Savage is also on the hunt for vengeance against Pandora because he hurt her. He's walking and stealing cars because he has to travel from the swamps of Louisiana to Baltimore, Not-in-Louisiana. He would be taking a jet or a helicopter but he loaned them all out to Swamp Thing and Capucine. He was in a good mood just one issue ago and now he's all bent out of shape and pissed off! I think Vandal might benefit from anti-depressants or anti-psychotics. Or LSD. Or maybe just a nice massage.

Pandora probably can't stop Giganta without killing her, so she tries out her new Warm Fuzzies Power. She gets inside Giganta's head and does that thing where the good guy says, "You're not really evil. You've just been let down by the world! But you can be better. You just need a great big hug!" Giganta reacts in the usual way to this approach which is grabbing her head and saying, "No no no no no!" She denies her old self because it's too painful and flees from the scene. Meanwhile, Marcus goes, "What the fuck are you doing?! If you're not going to kill bad guys, you aren't going to need my weapons, are you? Are you telling me I'm redundant?!"

Vandal Savage is my favorite DC Character. But as Mindy Kaling points out about best friends, "My Favorite Character" isn't one character; it's a tier. So my other favorite DC Characters are Jonah Hex and Etrigan the Demon and Lenny Shapiro and Kathy George and Shade the Changing Man and John Constantine and Metamorpho and Black Lightning and Katana and Halo and probably a bunch of others that aren't on the tip of my brain right now.

Pandora #10 Rating: No change. This issue was actually very good and may have been worth a few rungs up the rankings. But I'm actually surprised Pandora is ranked at #15 right now. It hasn't been that good! I think my rankings of The New 52 aren't worth shit! Except for Superman being the worst comic of them all. That's totally accurate.