Secret Six #14

This looks like the greatest barbecue ever. But why does Scandal have such a tiny hand? Oh wait. Maybe I'm not supposed to mention her tiny hand. Oh man. Now I feel awkward and uncomfortable.

The Review or Whatever!
I like to fantasize that people are constantly asking me, "Tess? What makes you a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader? And could I give you ten dollars?" I usually joke that all it takes to be a Grand Master Comic Book Reader is the audacity to call yourself one. But isn't there also some rule that by spending ten thousand hours on something making, you suddenly become a super duper expert on it? Because I'm fairly certain I've spent that much time reading comic books (including staring at the pictures and reading letters pages, so I hope that counts). But I also have physical proof that I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! I've only sent one letter to a comic book in the thirty-plus years I've been reading comic books and that book was The Walking Dead. My letter was printed in Issue #8 (so if you have a few hundred bucks and want to verify this, you can!) and went like this:

Just wanted to drop a quick note to let you know I really enjoy your little zombie rag. The pacing is terrific, characterizations are intriguing and the art is just nifty. I hope the book continues for quite awhile. You've got my support. Thanks for the great read!
Jeff

Kirkman responded that he hoped to go at least 75 issues. Well, he's more than doubled that and turned his little zombie rag into a million dollar franchise! And I saw the potential because I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Although I stopped supporting him after that issue and never picked up Issue #9. I feel a little bad about that. I think maybe I felt betrayed that they printed my letter that called the art nifty in an issue with Charlie Adlard art! I meant Tony Moore's art was nifty, you jerko! But I did keep picking the series up in trades, so I guess that counts too.

On a related note, does anybody want to buy The Walking Dead #1-8 for like fifty thousand dollars. Is that the going price yet? If not, I'll just hold onto them.

This issue is called "Everyone Says Goodbye, Sometimes" which I'm going to declare makes no sense at all, even if Gail Simone thought it up. Although I just touted my Grand Master Comic Book Reader credentials, so maybe I shouldn't admit to being too stupid to understand something. Um, I totally get it! People say goodbye! All of them! But they don't do it constantly! Just sometimes! Duh!

*gasp* Gail! Don't you know the trend is to have female characters get super angry at being told to smile now?! Although Alice is smashing people while smiling. So it's kind of the same thing. I think.

Lady Shiva is a bit disappointed that Black Alice is destroying one of the League of Assassins Corporate Headquarters. That means Strix probably has changed her mind about joining the League which means Shiva just lost her replacement which would let her leave the League. Too bad Gail isn't more proficient in the television show Arrow or she'd know that sometimes people can leave the League in other ways. Although I'm not a Grand Master Television Show watcher, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm especially not a Grand Master Television Watcher of bad television shows and Arrow is a terrible show. And it's not terrible for the reasons lots of fans think it's terrible! It was awful long before Laurel was killed. It was even awful long before they made the huge mistake of romantically entangling Felicity and Oliver. The writing is just terrible and the only way they can think to create drama is to have one character barely tell a lie and then another character discovers the lie and hates the other character forever and always. Plus Oliver has had sex with every single female character on the show except his sister. And I'm not even sure about his sister.

As the Secret Six and Friends storm the building, Elongated Man begins thinking about the Secret Six as his new adopted family. That's gross. Since when do families have weird sex on your couch? Oh wait. Am I allowed to be grossed out by the thought of incest? Am I supposed to be sensitive to Incestsexuals? Dammit! It's so hard being a consequence-free jerk in this day and age!

Even though the Secret Six are mounting a rescue mission, it's still up to Strix to win her own battle against Shiva. I don't think Gail Simone will kill Strix even if I thought Strix would lose a battle against Shiva. But I am a little bit worried about Shawna. Ferdie might be dealing with a broken heart by the end of this. You'll be able to tell he has a broken heart because he won't be able to come up with any sexual innuendos about Shawna being stiff.

Uh-oh. Now I'm really worried about her!

Shawna finishes her thought on the next page with "--that maybe some of us don't want to be saved?" I didn't expect a traitor in the midst but this is good. Shawna has mostly been taking a back seat to Ferdie throughout this run. This is the Shawna from Batgirl that creeped me the fuck out way back when. She's not silly and whimsical and able to feel anything that would allow her to fit in. That part of her was in Ferdie. Shawna herself though was, in short, a monster. So it's good to see she's still my girl.

I know there have been moments in this series that have made people feel feelings before this. Like with how Strix was coping with family or how Alice was bonding with Ralph or how Ralph and Sue were having their difficulties. I guess this moment between Shawna and Ferdie is the part that touches my cold black heart because I can't bear what happens next: they break up. It's devastating.

I just can't bear to see Shawna cutting off the part of her that has allowed herself to be loved. Ferdie may have been her weapon at times but he's also been her way of connecting. And for whatever reason, she's backsliding into the Shawna who doesn't believe she deserves love and happiness. This hurts my heart.

Catman isn't dead because he wasn't curious or something. He and the others interrupt Shiva and Strix's fight which probably saves Shiva's life. They explain to her that the fight is over and they'll be going now or else Black Alice will do some of that magic stuff that can't be defended against unless you're John Constantine. And that's the end of the League of Assassins story! There's still more suburban epilogue but I haven't read that yet! This story ended a bit quickly because Rebirth was rebirthing all over the place and it was time to shut a bunch of the DC Youniverse down. Although for some reason the Teen Titans still get to exist for a few more months. Ugh!

The epilogue is four months later and Strix has decided to never kill again and live in a treehouse with a bunch of gnomes. The rest of the Secret Six remain with the Dibnys having barbecues and enjoying the suburbs. I guess all that is well and good and a happy ending. But my heart is still breaking.

Saddest ending ever.