Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Aquaman #52

"Ay! Yo! I talks ta fish 'n shit."

The Review or Whatever!
I hope when Wally West returned for Rebirth, he was able to remind people that Aquaman isn't a bad-ass at all and is really just a joke! We all know he's a joke! He'll never be more than a joke! All of you Aquaman defenders know it too! You must be so tired of trying to convince everybody that they shouldn't be laughing so hard at Aquaman riding a giant seahorse! You're all, "No! That's Pre-Crisis Aquaman! That's not Modern Aquaman! Modern Aquaman is all grim and stoic! He's so strong that he...stop giggling! You just don't get it!" Then they do a quick internet image search to find this picture to prove that Aquaman is a bad-ass:

How is Aquaman doing his version of Sharknado supposed to prove that he isn't silly and stupid?

I think Aquaman might be off the hook now because Geoff Johns just wandered into my sights! Look at that stupid fucking sharks eating parademons moment! That moment could be the definition of Geoff Johns. He has a way of finding the most stupidly ridiculous thing or idea to incorporate into his comic book that somehow hits just the right note with a certain type of comic book fan! You know what kind of comic book fan I'm talking about. No, no. You know. It's what I call Geoff John's Drunk Ideas Made Reality. He and some friend he can bounce ideas off of go out and get pissed until Johns comes up with a list of stupid fucking ideas that he can work into a nonsensical story that really goes nowhere but has enough stupid twists that fangenders (this might be one of those times I can actually just say fanboys!) ruin their underwear over. And because he's in creative control of the universe, he can make any "What-If" scenario he comes up with, no matter how stupid, into actual continuity. Just like how he retconned Aquaman into not being a joke!

Currently Aquaman is off battling Scavenger. It sounds pretty boring if you remember Scavenger is just some guy in scuba gear that has shark teeth painted on the mask. But this is the New 52 and Improved Scavenger! This is Scavenger in a Robotic Suit comparable to anything Batman has! I mean, it wasn't forged in the heart of a sun and imbued with the purity of fifty-eight virgins or anything. But then he's only battling Aquaman, so it's not like it has to have every bell and rape whistle. Scavenger built the suit because his plan is to kill Aquaman and then nobody will be able to stop him from looting the ocean of every bit of valuable whatever within it. That seems like a stupid plan. Is that how it would work if I wanted to get into bank robbing? I should kill the sheriff in my town and then I'll be free to rob banks willy-nilly?

Mera is currently dealing with her own problems. Dead Water managed to shed a tear even though the comic book expressly told the readership that that was totally fucking impossible. But, well, you know how it is. Last issue was super boring when Mera was just asking Dead Water questions. And I whined about it the entire time! So I should be happy that the rules were broken and Dead Water is free! Plus I get to look at pictures of Mera looking hot while fighting.

She literally didn't need to add literally. Plus I think her suit is way lower cut than in the previous issue.

Dead Water escapes because even though Mera tried to completely dehydrate him, she must have left one tear inside him. Or maybe it was a wet fart. So now Dead Water has gone after Aquaman although I think he's really after Scavenger so Aquaman's problems might soon just sort themselves out.

The whole middle of the comic book is Dead Water's origin story as explained by Scavenger. Now, I know I often wish comic books had more down time and less punching but holy shit is Aquaman's down time boring! I wish Scavenger weren't so willing to acquiesce and blab the whole story! Put up a fight, dummy! I don't really care if I never know how this guy Payne became Dead Water! It's not like the origin story explains it anyway. Payne just came into contact with water that was different than water but still water. How does that explain anything? Now because he touched #waternotwater, he can become a sea serpent that transmutes its body into water? Oh! Okay! I'm glad that was explained so scientifically!

Look, comic book. Just be a comic book. Don't try to be more than you are and become a scientific paper up for review. Just sit there on the steps of Congress and shut the fuck up.

Payne interrupts Snorefest 2.0 just as Scavenger was about to reveal that the Weird Water came from Atlantis's sewage outflow system! Probably!

Aquaman winds up murdering Payne after Payne almost kills Scavenger. Although Payne's death is probably more "Suicide By Aquaman" than murder. Scavenger gets to live because he's been a part of Aquaman's history for a long time and he knows the secret location of the Weird Water. But he's in a coma so that Aquaman doesn't get any answers just yet! I mean, first Dan Abnett has to think up a semi-interesting story with long, dull moments surrounding the Weird Water!

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