Sunday, June 19, 2016

The Sheriff of Babylon #7

Who is picking these stupid Goddamned quotes for the cover?!

The Review!
Everybody who thinks they're intelligent should be reading this book. Or you should at least be seen reading this book. It's possible people seeing you reading this book will smirk and think, "Look at that adult child reading a funny book. Loser!" But if you display the name of the book properly, they might remember you when the movie comes out and they'll think, "Holy guacamole! That loser I saw that one time was reading this story in comic book form long before it became a hit movie that is making all of the money!" See? You want that to happen to you, right? Then you should read this! Just try not to read the cover blurb on any of the issues because they're all terrible and not by me, Grunion Guy! Or, if you want to use my cool nickname, Grunion Gun!

The Commentary!
The fucking blurb on this cover doesn't even make sense! All of the cover blurbs I've submitted may have seemed ridiculous but they were better than this shit from Comic Book Resources! But then I guess Comic Book Resources has already given thousands of hand-jobs to comic book professionals and have earned a blurb on the cover while I've only given a promise of one hand-job! In fact, that's a good quote for the cover!

"I would give Tom King's Blurb Picker a hand-job if they use this quote for the cover. Realpolitik!" -- Grunion Gun!

I'm not done discussing the quote yet because it makes no sense. How are first steps on a bridge related to universal truths?! Who is the copy-editing monkey who thinks they're fucking Shakespeare writing pretentious nonsensical bullshit like this?! This quote is fucking inane! Is that how I get a quote on the cover? I need to be more inane than I already am?!

I love this comic book but I'm almost ready to drop it because the cover blurbs are so fucking terrible that they're going to give me an aneurysm.

I just tweeted Comic Book Resources for an explanation on the meaning of this cover blurb. Hopefully they'll get back to me before I'm done with this commentary.

I think you say something speaks "universal truths" when you know you're reading something smarter than you are and you don't exactly know what that thing you're reading is about. The Comic Book Resources reviewer must have been too proud to simply say that they don't understand what is happening in this book but it is still a great read. I'm not too proud to say that! I don't know if the truths in this book are universal because it's not exactly a physics textbook. It's about human beings with flaws and hopes just trying to survive in a clusterfuck shitshow of a situation that none of them would have ever wanted to be in and were in no way responsible for it. So I suppose that's, if not a universal truth, at least an earthly truth for the poor sentient bastards whose parents had the audacity to procreate. We may not all be trying to solve a murder in a war-torn country whose infrastructure and security is practically nonexistent but we all probably had a rough night's sleep or a lousy breakfast or a long morning commute or any one of a million other mundane things that, to us, make it feel like our world is falling apart. I said "we" but I really mean all of you whiners. I'm doing great!

Did you buy that? Did it feel like a first step across a bridge?

Now this right here! This is a universal truth!

Anyway, more horrible shit happens and a baby opts out of going through this pointless, torturous existence. Nothing this issue made me cry even though there were horrible things done and a there was a cat. At least the cat survived. I'm looking side-eyed at you, Tomasi!

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