Titans Rebirth #1

The Review!
If you enjoy the Teen Titans remembering mediocre memories and celebrating Wally's return, you'll probably enjoy this comic book. That's all there is to it. I suppose if you're a big Wally fan, this was an emotional issue. Although it could have been more emotional if the Titans actually had any interesting memories. But no! Instead we get flashbacks to Wally waving at Garth and going, "Hi Garth!" And Garth going, "Hi! I'm from Atlantis!" Boring! You also might like this issue if you're into Brett Booth art. Brett Booth is slang for "bad art with misshapen people". It also sets up the looming battle between DC's heroes and the employees of DC Comics. This Rebirth shit is going to get so postmodern you'll think you were reading Pale Fire. Unless it'll be more like watching an episode of Beavis and Butthead. I hope it'll be nice mix of those two elements.

The Commentary!
According to Justice League #51, something has been observing Dick Grayson for five years. I mean something other than us, the DC readership. Although maybe I don't? In Rebirth #1, Johns went a long way to describe how the DC Universe was ruined by outside forces which sounded a lot like editorial control and managerial dictates. Could this new threat to Dick Grayson from outside the Earth Prime Universe be the fandom? Is DC's Rebirth going to be nothing more than one long metatextual commentary on the interrelationship between creative teams, fans, and the finished product? Ugh, I hope not! I read comic books so I can understand what I'm reading! If I wanted to read pretentious twaddle, I'd be reading The Familiar!

Actually, I plan on picking up The Familiar. I don't plan on understanding The Familiar. But I do plan on throwing my money away on it and going through the motions of reading every word within it and then dropping references to it in my own writing so that it seems like I understood it.

I also plan on crying my eyes out while reading it because I always called my cat, Judas, my buddy of fifteen years, my familiar. I think I'm ready to attempt it now though. I think.

Aw shit. My Titans experience is already ruined by Brett Booth's depiction of swollen and probably infected thighs.

Apparently every model in Brett Booth's human anatomy classes while in art school had serious blood clot issues. I imagine they all dropped dead immediately after class.

The issue begins with Wally on a mission to get his old friends to remember him. It happens rather quickly because Rebirth #1 already did the thing where the story goes on and on with nobody remembering him so it finally seems believable and has some kind of emotional impact (at least for wusses it does) when Barry remembers him. I'm glad I don't have to go through all that again just to get the Titans to remember him. I already read eight issues of a comic book that was the other Titans trying to remember the other Titans.

Is there a filter I can use to make Brett Booth's art look like better art? Oh! I know! Alcohol!

I spoke too soon. Only Nightwing remembers him because they touched or something. The others don't yet remember him so they're plan is to kick his ass. Does nobody else think that just about every hero in the DC Universe needs to go to anger management classes? Is this level of aggression acceptable because people compare it to Guy Gardner's or Lobo's level of aggression and think, "Oh yeah. These guys are calm and rational!"

Luckily for somebody (me?), everybody remembers Wally as soon as they lay a hand on him. Roy is all, "Oh hey! I didn't recognize you underneath all of those thigh muscles!" And Donna is all, "Is that you Wally? You're lankier with a weird torso to leg proportion!" And Garth is all, "I'm dying because I haven't touched water in almost 59 minutes!" Arella is all, "I'm too boring to think up something stupid to say about Brett Booth's shitty artwork!" Each one also flashes back to their favorite memory of Wally! Most of them are either really boring or a time when they were battling one of their fathers.

You grew up on an asteroid with a fuzzy guy named Xanthi and a bunch of other alien kids training to be gods! I think. Maybe this Donna Troy grew up in one of her other fifteen origin stories.

Wally's speech about how for the last five years he only existed in really terrible stories, most of them involving fucking other male Titans, is interrupted by an advertisement for some new action figures designed by Greg Capullo.

DC Comics! Where the only motherfucker allowed to smile is The Joker! Wonder Woman looks like she's giving a bored hand-job.

Wally points out that somebody fucked with the DC Universe in a way that erased a lot of history. You know, the editors and management. And he claims that they might try again (well, of course they will!). But with the help of the Titans, he believes they can keep the editors from doing it again. Ha! Good luck with that! Although I suppose the editors are going to allow themselves to be defeated since they're actually the Watchmen in the comic book. But first the Watchmen will probably have a scene where they speak directly to the reader telling them how what they did was good and it energized the DC Universe and all of the fans were petulant cry babies demanding the world go back to normal. Then the Watchmen will be defeated and DC's editors will be all, "Okay! The DC Universe is back to normal! I hope you're all happy!" Then the fans will be all, "Yay! We are all happy!" Then sales will not show that this move was any better than any other huge universal shake-up in the long run and the editors and management will have to blow it all up again in some other crazy way.