Sunday, June 26, 2016

Justice League 3001 #12

The Legion of Super-heroes if they were cool.

The Review!
According to some anonymous person on the internet (and who can we trust more to give us insightful analyses of our intensely personal selves?!), I'm an "edgelord". I could guess by the context what that meant but figured I should get the specific, community-voted on and approved definition, so I consulted Urban Dictionary for the factual facts.

A poster on an Internet forum, (particularly 4chan) who expresses opinions which are either strongly nihilistic, ("life has no meaning," or Tyler Durden's special snowflake speech from the film Fight Club being probably the two main examples) or contain references to Hitler, Nazism, fascism, or other taboo topics which are deliberately intended to shock or offend readers.

First off, somebody needs to edit that entry! Who thought that commas needed to be added before parenthetical references? Why isn't some Grammar Nazi combing through the Urban Dictionary with a lice-ridden fine-toothed comb to make it look better? Anyway, the first way in which I'm not an "edgelord" is that I do not post on Internet forums. I have my own blog where I get to spew my nihilistic garbage! Secondly, I'm not a nihilist. I'm an existentialist. More specifically, I'm a Situational Individualist. Fourthly, I never deliberately write anything to shock or offend. If I do shock or offend, that's the reader's issue for being so stodgy. But more importantly is the word "deliberate". I'm not deliberate in anything I do! I don't know how any single sentence I'm typing will end until it's already ended! I mean, you can tell where some of them are headed pretty well. Like that one about how sentences end. That was obvious where that was going.

But wait! There's a second definition! Maybe this one is closer to who I really am!

Fedora tipping, fat fuck that spends his life on anime cartoon message boards being a worthless pile of shit. Nobody likes this guy but he acts like he doesn't care. He's a pathetic, lost kissless virgin that should just kill himself.

Um, this one isn't anything like me either in lots of way that I don't have time to point out because I have to go lock myself in the bathroom, sit on the toilet, and weep uncontrollably.

As for my review, nothing really resolves in this final issue. I guess Rebirth made it even more pointless than it already was. But at least there's hope for Batgirl 3001 to become a regular player in Rebirth Continuity!

The Commentary!
Hopefully this series will end with the destruction of the entire universe. Then Ambush Bug will stick his head out of the leftover imploded mass and say, "That's all folks!" Then he'll stick a carrot out of the side of hs mouth and waggle his eyebrows and say, "Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!" as he runs into the void.

Colleen Doran is doing the art for this final issue so it only looks a little tiny bit like the art in the series overall (except for Issue #6). Not that Kolins looked like Porter or Porter looked like Bautista or any combination thereof. So I guess having Doran finish up the final issue is consistent enough, especially if you're into patterns. She apparently is doing every 6th issue.

This issue begins back when the Terries were still themselves.

I don't know what's going on here but it's one of two things! I hope it's the sexy one!

After Teri finishes doing whatever she's doing, the narrative returns to the present where Justice League 3001 are battling The Legion of Super-Not-So-Much-Heroes and Eclipso. It's a good thing the Legion are there or Eclipso would get his ass kicked immediately. Who thought he should ever be more than just a minor threat? Who decided this guy was a force to be reckoned with? He's just a vampire with a stupid hood who has replaced biting people in the neck with diamonds and anger! But DC couldn't leave him alone as a minor villain. He had to become a godlike threat. Although can a person be a godlike threat if they can be defeated by a nice day?

See? Batgirl knows what's what!

The main conflict this issue is between Teri and Terry. One of them is now The Flash and the other is now Eclipso. One is trying to make the universe a place where everybody is free to do what they choose, the other is trying to make it not that. I don't know which is the good guy because on the one hand, I like being able to do whatever I want. On the other hand, I think it's the cause of all of my problems and anxieties. Maybe The Bible was right! Paradise is not having free will! Paradise is when the biggest choice in your life is getting to choose which animal you want to fuck! Personally, I'm glad Adam didn't choose any of the animals God offered and held out for another human being. I'm so mad at Adam and Eve right now for blowing it for everybody! And by "blowing it for everybody", I suppose I mean blowing it for themselves since they never would have had children if they hadn't blown it and I wouldn't be bothered with any of this. Also, I'm angry at two fictional people now. I should be angry at my parents for wanting a second child! I could be content in oblivion right now! Thanks a lot, Mom and Dad!

Eventually, after all the beatings and one-liners, Lady Styx reveals that the Wonder Twins Teri and Terry are her children. That explains everything! I guess. Somehow. I suppose it explains why Lady Styx doesn't want either of them dead. And to make sure Teri the Flash doesn't wind up dead before Lady Styx can get her ducks in a row, she sends her back in time to the 21st Century where she can be relevant to DC Continuity! And just so she's not lonely, she sends her back with Batgirl! I hope Batgirl winds up at Gotham Academy!

The issue ends with a "To be continued...?" because I guess at the time of cancellation, Geoff Johns hadn't yet decided if he wanted Giffen and DeMatteis mucking around in the Rebirth Universe. That's probably why they were given the Scooby Doo assignment!

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