Green Arrow Rebirth #1

Green Arrow's new sidekick is a Traci Lords blow-up doll?

The Review!
Ben Percy's Green Arrow is a message from a white guy who desperately needs validation as an ally of...well, whoever needs an ally, I guess! I suppose he sees a lot of himself in the character he's writing. Green Arrow wants to help but feels, because of birth and circumstance, he's somehow outside the movement for social change. But he's still going to use the tools he has to help! Green Arrow uses his gadget arrows and Percy uses his sledgehammer. I mean his writing pen! He just utilizes his pen like a hammer. I can see a lot of ways in which I might begin liking this comic book but first Percy has to get out his dictionary and look up the word "subtle." Then he should read the entry. Then he should reread the entry. Then he should write five thousand times, "Racism is bad," just to get the need to keep saying that in the comic books out of his system. I suppose if he reaches one person who didn't know racism was bad when they picked up this comic book, he's done his job! I just wish he'd do his job better and be more entertaining. Still, this is a step in the right direction because there could be some fucking in it soon.

The Commentary!
I'm not sure I can handle another Green Arrow story where I learn racism is bad. Percy is beating me over the head with it so much that I'm beginning to rebel against the idea! I'm beginning to think, "Percy's writing is bland and uninteresting which means I'm probably racist!" I was once called a racist by a complete stranger so maybe I am! A black guy asked me for a dollar while I was walking my bike off campus at San Jose State years ago. I said I didn't have any money and he called me a racist. I replied, "Whatever you want to think." And he replied with "What did you say?" and began coming at me. I just got on my bike and left. I suppose I could see his point. I was coming off of a hoity toity state college campus with a beat-to-shit rusty ten speed I was borrowing from my mom and yet I still refused to give him a dollar? I can't believe that guy thought I was racist because I didn't give him a dollar! Sure, I thought he was a dirty vagabond that probably had mental health issues whom I was a little bit afraid of! But his skin tone didn't have anything to do with any of those thoughts! Those were just my usual lower middle class biases against itinerants!

I don't mind being called names, not even a racist. Because I just think back to the great words of the mighty Blue Falcon: "Taking offense at thoughtless words is juvenile!" That's also a strong argument to disregard me if you're a creator whom I bash in my reviews! These are just thoughtless words! Most of them really thoughtless!

The issue begins reminding readers that Rebirth is a change of tune and an acceptance that characters are not what they were but are now what they were. I mean...well, you know what I mean. I think. Anyway, the first two pages make sure to point out that Oliver Queen is once more a liberal minded protector of the downtrodden with a goatee. In other words, New 52 Oliver Queen is no more! We're back to the Oliver Queen who doesn't mind giving a dirty street urchin hundred dollar bills.

This sums up Percy's run on Green Arrow nicely. Love me, Tumblr! Love me!

I don't think Otto Schmidt, the artist, got the message that this comic book is for Tumblr though. Because when Black Canary is introduced, he goes all in on a major Butt-Boobs Showcase.

Despise me, Tumblr! Despise me!

Okay, so her boobs aren't quite as showcased as her butt. But she's still in the proper, anatomically uncomfortable stance!

Black Canary is in Seattle for something music related, probably. And while in Seattle, she discovered a homeless kid in a sewer who needed her help. She and Ollie take the kid back to Ollie's place to get him cleaned up and discover that his mother was taken by people who live in the sewers. Oh no. Is Seattle going to get a huge, nonsensical underground empire like Gotham? I think there are already too many similarities between Green Arrow and Batman. Although a Court of Owls would be more fitting in Seattle than Gotham, I think. Also Seattle does have a weird underground city thing going on. Although I don't think it's full of Mole Men.

Forget the New 52 Green Arrow you may have become accustomed to because he's dead and gone! And good riddance, I tell you! Even if the new Green Arrow is going to beat me over the head with how fucking problematic I am, I'm glad to see the old one go. Black Canary makes sure to mention that Green Arrow has a reputation among the other heroes of "loud-mouthing [his] moral outrage, complaining about elitism, racism, cronyism, conservatism, any -ism, all the isms." So feminism too?! What a jerkbro! She mentions all of this to point out that he's a hypocrite because a white man with loads of money obviously can't be against bad things. Although is conservatism really bad? Sure, some aspects of a philosophy that wants to remain in a traditional vain will certainly butt up against forward change. But that isn't all conservatism is! I'm having a hard time coming up with some of its positive qualities but I'm sure there are some!

I hope Green Arrow tells Black Canary how he spent a week as a Werewolf and now he knows what it's like to be a minority! That'll shut her up!

Yeah! How dare you make wild, baseless accusations against her based on gossip and hearsay! She'd never do that to...oh wait. Never mind.

Black Canary and Green Arrow argue about who had the worst experience in their past to shape them into being a better person and I think I completely lose the will to ever masturbate again. Is this what being a hero has become? Is this how people make a difference? They having pissing contests about who's opinion matters more because they've had a harder time in life? Fucking get over it and work together to help this kid, you narcissistic assholes!

The homeless camp (which is basically an Ewok village on the edge of Seattle) is suddenly overrun by Moloids. Black Canary says one of the stupidest lines a comic book character has ever said ("This is what it sounds like when your ears bleed." With a period. If that didn't deserve an exclamation point, what does?!) and Green Arrow pauses for a moment to feel his heart go pitter patter.

The Moloids are having a slave auction later, so Green Arrow and Black Canary decide to team up and fuck after they stop the auction. It's underground because Gotham isn't the only city that gets to have a vast, unimaginable network of caves causing constant sinkholes and the inevitable collapse of the city. Although that's frankly exactly how Seattle is! Underground ruins and a failing infrastructure!

"I thought I would do something that everybody is doing because it was popularized in a movie so I could figure out the unique person I truly am!"

Ollie and Dinah follow a trail of Moloid blood that leads not to a Moloid hospital but the Moloid slave auction. The auction must be the event of the season if it's to die for!

I wasn't serious about Seattle having its own Court of Owls, dammit!

The Moloid with the arrow through his leg trailing blood behind him has come to the auction to warn the others that heroes are following his trail of blood to the auction! I guess Moloids aren't known for their smarts.

"I don't know who you are or what you're doing but I'm going to completely debase you." Sounds like a Twitter Mob attack. I guess Ollie really is a Social Justice Warrior.

Oliver and Dinah stop the auction but now they're going to have to hunt down the people behind these slave auctions. Until then, it's time to fuck! Too bad the comic ends before they even kiss. Although it's close!