Thursday, June 2, 2016

Superman Rebirth #1

I guess Preboot Superman left his underwear in another Earth.

The Review!
This issue exists as the period on New 52 Superman's death. It's a big, heavy period that is meant to finalize his death and reassure everybody that he is not going to come back in some surprise twist like last time. Don't even think New 52 Superman is coming back because he isn't! He's totally dead! Completely dead. Dead dead dead dead. Super dead. Not even Flash can ruin time by bringing him back to life dead. Well, okay, maybe that one can still happen in a few years when DC fucks up this whole surprise twist where the Watchmen installed a glory hole into the DC Universe and fucked it raw. I get that DC wants everybody to know for certain that New 52 Superman is gone and the universe is definitely changing but I don't know if this DC Press Release was really worth paying $2.99 for. Aren't they usually free?! I mean free in that I don't have to pay for them. I don't mean free in getting the release without Comic Book Resources spraying their jizzy opinions all over whatever DC says. That's a kind of free I generally avoid.

The Commentary!
Now can we learn the name of Superman and Lois's cat? I'm getting really fucking upset about the lack of cat details in this comic book!

The issue begins with Preboot Superman thinking, "'All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.' I live and breathe that quote with all my heart. I bet you did, too." My reaction was to scoff at first and think, "Great! You expect me to lift a finger to stop evil? Get out of here!" Then when he said, "I bet you did, too," I got super annoyed and yelled at a fictional character before I realized he's addressing Dead Superman. Speaking of stopping evil, I would actually prefer that good men do nothing because most men who believe they're good are fucking holier-than-thou assholes. I'm throwing my lot in with the evil people.

Preboot Superman is currently visiting Dead Superman's grave and he suspects that Dead Superman is actually Regaining Power While In A Krypton Healing Coma Superman. I don't think it works the same way on this Earth as it worked on the old Earth that existed back in 1992. Who needs New 52 Superman coming back to life when we've got plenty of other choices now? New 52 Superman was a dick.

Preboot Superman finds Lana Lang robbing Superman's crypt because he wanted his, I mean, his pile of dust buried next to his parents in Smallville Cemetary [sic]. But Preboot Superman is all, "Hold on there, little lady! Give the man some time to return to life the way I did after Doomsday punched me to death in the most improbable death ever. Sure, he punched me a lot of times which is probably why I died. But he punched Booster Gold once too! Why didn't his head fly off?! Even with his stupid lousy forcefield? In case you didn't know, being from this different Earthand all, Doomsday was a monster who wore biker shorts. Oh, I know what you're saying. Anybody who wears biker shorts is a monster! You might be right, miss."

Apparently Preboot Superman was also visiting Superman's grave to steal his pile of dust. This comic is kind of morbid! They break into Supergirl's Fortress of Solitude and discover New 52 Superman never possessed the Kryptonian artifacts needed to bring him back to life. That's probably because he didn't have as many adventures as Preboot Superman had. Plus most of his adventures were with Toymaster and Lana Lang. He really should have gotten out more.

That wasn't meant to be as kinky as it sounds, was it?

Oh, that's basically it! Good bye!

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