Saturday, June 25, 2016

Action Comics #958

I trust the Superman that doesn't have the glowing red devil eyes!

The Review!
"Action Comics is putting the action back into Action Comics! Also the comics! It's a really aptly named comic book!" I wonder if DC would use that blurb for the next Action Comics Trade Paperback? I wonder if Dan Jurgens is getting paid for rewriting the Death of Superman? Usually when I get something wrong at work and have to redo it, my boss just gets really angry and makes me stay until it's fixed even if I'm off the clock! I wonder if I can send my original copy of Death of Superman back to DC for a refund since it was obviously defective and needed upgrading. Not that I think Superman is going to die this time so technically it isn't a new version of The Death of Superman. It's more like The Death of Superman That Never Was Because He Didn't Die This Time by Dan Jurgens, 80s Robot. I wonder if Dan Jurgens speaks like Max Headroom? I wonder if he fucks like Max Headroom? I wonder what Max Headroom fucks like?! Anyway, if you like action and you like comics, you probably should have realized that this comic book is right up your alley.

The Commentary!
Some writers look back on their past writing and cringe. I look back on my past writing and think, "How me write well so good?" I thought getting more and more practice doing something was supposed to make you better at that something! What am I? Bizarro Writer? Every single thing I write now is shit! It's worse than shit! It's shit that ate bad shrimp and got diarrhea and shit an even worse shit! It's the kind of shit that makes that shit that shit it think, "Holy shit! I need to get my shit to a hospital!" At least I get to reward myself with masturbation after finishing a page. Or a paragraph. Or right back!...sentence.

Maybe what's wrong is that I've written too much! My writing has always been purposely terrible and off-kilter. Maybe I've written 10,000 hours worth of writing and now I can't not write bad! Crap! That's my entire gimmick! Oh man. I need to think of a new gimmick! A good gimmick would be to write really smart and insightful things. But then I'd have to be smart and insightful. I wonder if I'm any good at pretending to be smart and insightful? Or I can just steal other people's insights!

Oh! I came up with a really good insight the other day while not reading the comments section of one of my commentaries! I was thinking, "Grunion?" That's what I call myself! Tess isn't my name, dum-dums! It's just the name of the blog! It makes sense if you say it out loud to your mother. You might not understand what you're saying as you say my blog's name but your mother will slap you. Anyway, I was thinking to myself, "King Beauregard...I mean, Grunion! What if New 52 Superman isn't actually dead at all? You know how he turned to dust? Maybe that was the Quarmer Superman! You know, the one made out of sand! Holy switcheroos! That would mean the real Clark Kent really is the real Clark Kent! And he probably lost all of his powers because the Quarmer took them all! So now there's a Clark Kent character that's the real Clark Kent and he's going to get to date the Superwoman Lois Lane and it'll be this whole role reversal thing where Clark gets to be in the crotchless panties and Lois gets to be on top eating deep dish pizza!" See? I'm so insightful and I didn't steal most of that insight at all!

This issue begins with Preboot Superman saying, "Hey! Remember all that stuff that happened in the previous comic books? Well you should because I just reminded you! Now let's get on with the story! Hopefully it won't be a repeat of the last time I met Doomsday or this will be the shortest run of Action Comics ever!" You might be thinking 958 issues isn't really a short run but it's the only run of Action Comics, so it's the shortest! I'm not going to complicate the issue by pointing out how Action Comics was renumbered for awhile and how we're all pretending the renumbering never happened now.

Why would you want a copyrighted image going viral?! You'll never collect royalties from all those dum-dum Facebook users! Besides, won't Lex own it? I bet he forgets to even credit Jimmy in the Daily Planet!

Clark is all, "Viral?! This could make the Special Edition of a hard copy of a newspaper that nobody reads anymore! You'll make a few bucks!" And Jimmy is all, "Yeah, but how do you expect to write it when you're a part of the story?!" Pshaw! Like that's ever stopped Clark before!

Dr. Ozymanhattan continues to watch the action on his multiple television screens. If I were smart and insightful, I'd come up with a reason his staff looks like it looks. What is it? A fermata on the end of a staff? It doesn't look enough like one but that would make sense. I bet Dr. Manhattan's atom symbol on his forehead has worn down a bit so that it now looks like a fermata. That would be a smart thing, right?!

Lois and Jon are watching the battle at home which means news cameras are filming the entire fight. So I don't know why Jimmy thinks his still photography is going to make him famous! Those stills will be yawnsville by the time he gets them developed!

I'm so smart to have read that thing you don't need to know about that caused me to figure out that Quarmer angle!

Doomsday and Superman battle for a bit. At least Jurgens remembers how boring he made the fight last time he wrote it so he intersperses it with scenes of other people. Lex is all, "Clark Kent?!!" And Lois is all, "Enough television, young man! You'll ruin your supper!" And Jon is all, "I can fly! I can fly! I can fly! I can fly!" He sings it really campy for some reason. Oh wait. That was me singing it out loud. Never mind.

The issue ends with Doomsday about to crush Lex's head. Not in a funny Kids in the Hall way either! More like in a funny while smoking pot and watching Faces of Death way! And, of course, Dr. Voyeur continues to monitor the situation. I bet he jerks it constantly under those robes.

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