Sunday, June 12, 2016

Scooby Apocalypse #1

I wanted the Velma cover but couldn't find it.

The Review or Whatever!
If I could boil my goals down to a simple statement, it would probably be this: I want to have sex with every Velma cosplayer. Or maybe just the most famous one, Linda Cardellini. Can you believe Velma had sex with Don Draper?! Wow, I just realized how easily I get distracted. Also how easily I give up on my goals! Why would I accept only having sex with one Velma when I really just want to have sex with all of them?! Who would I have to cosplay to get the best chance of hooking up with a Velma? Scooby? Fred? Daphne? Shaggy? The Mystery Machine? You know what I mean when I say "Mystery Machine" in a sexy context, right?

If it weren't for my sexual desire for Velma, I probably would have ignored this comic book. Although I have a soft spot for Keith Giffen for some reason. I think it's because he always recycles the same jokes so I can easily understand his writing. Although sometimes his dialogue is really hard to follow when he goes off script and doesn't rehash jokes. Also, he's always writing with J.M. DeMatteis, so why am I giving Giffen all of the credit? Especially when the credits, if they break it down, usually give the scripting credit to DeMatteis.

Why am I talking about Giffen and his hack buddy?! Let's remember what this comic book is really about: Velma!


Let's play a teeny, tiny drinking game! Here are the rules: if there's a reference to Scrappy Doo being dead in the Scooby Apocalypse, drink until you die.

Oh wait! There's a second possibility in this game! If Scrappy was the cause of the Apocalypse, or is the ultimate bad guy, never drink again.

I suppose if Scrappy Doo isn't mentioned at all, you can go on with your life as normal. But why would you want to since you're making such a terrible go of it? I would consider some serious changes if I were you.

I just turned the page to the credits page and, as I mentioned, J.M. DeMatteis gets credit for the dialogue. Also for the more dialogue. They like to make the jokes in the credits. The same jokes. Remember that thing I said about recycled jokes? It all begins in the credits!

The credits also say, "Based on a concept by Jim Lee." So he thought up Scooby Doo? Or dystopian literature? Or was he walking through his house one day when he noticed his dog shitting on an issue of Transmetropolitan and the light bulb came on?

It looks like after the sexy Velma scene from the previous year, the action jumps to Fred and Daphne at Future Burning Man. It looks a lot like 1997 Burning Man.

The only thing crazy and unexpected that happens at Burning Man is when people trade sex with the guys who pump out the port-a-potties for free RV sewage removal.

Just to point out how much of a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader I am (because people constantly doubt my authenticity), I guessed they were at a Burning Manesque festival before the Blazing Man mention. Hell, I guessed before reading any dialogue at all! I probably guessed two years ago!

Daphne has a failing television show called Daphne Blake's Mysterious Mysteries and Fred is her cameraman who has a secret crush on her. They're hoping to find a mystery at Burning Man. How about finding out how anybody can afford to go anymore?

Shaggy works for some secret agency that creates things like Scooby Doo. Velma also works for them but she's ready to blow the whistle on whatever they're up to that might end the world. Maybe giving cats the same abilities and intelligence and hunger as Scooby Doo? Oh! I bet she's trying to stop them before they unleash Project Scrappy! Hurry, Velma! Blow that whistle and bend way over so I can see your...oh. Um. Uh, Velma heads out to tell Daphne about the mysterious mystery of the secret agency she works for.

I'm so envious of Fred's view right now! Um, I mean because he's in the beautiful desert amid a colorful crowd of crazies, you creep!

Scooby Doo rushes off to save Velma from Fred's prying eyes and Shaggy tags along. Now the whole Scooby Gang are together and ready for a mystery to solve!

Velma leads the Gang into the secret agency's secret lair and tells them what the big world ending danger is: nanites. Oh fuck! Of course that's what the danger is! That's always what the fucking danger is! That's the concept Jim Lee came up with?! I knew I should have been wary about a concept thought up by one of Image's founders! For all the good Image eventually wound up doing, its founders began with a steaming pile of shit pizza. And while Jim Lee has grown by leaps and bounds as a business man--one I would thoroughly admire if I admired business men at all--he apparently still has the imagination of the guy who thought up WildC.A.T.S. Unless it was W.I.L.D.cats. I think it was the former. Or do I mean latter? Never mind! Let's get back to Velma and her short skirt!

Velma points out that the nanites are already loose in the world and inside everybody. All that's left is the four lead scientists--it seems it used to be five but it looks like Velma got demoted--to key in some activation code that will turn everybody into passive slaves willing to accept gun control and Jesus Christ as their lord and savior. Fred makes a joke about Daphne's show and she punches him in the face. Because violence perpetrated on somebody when all they did was speak their mind is hilarious!

While Velma is discussing stopping the end of the world, the end of the world takes place. Whoops! I guess the Scooby Gang now has plenty of monsters topside to pull masks off of and expose the wealthy white heterosexual man underneath!

There's a back-up feature about how Shaggy met Subject 24602, or Jean Valjean's dog, I guess. It's love at first meal!

I was really excited about Future Quest and not that enthusiastic about a Scooby Doo book. But after reading both, my opinions have reversed. I'll definitely keep buying this book for the time being while Future Quest is done. Possibly. Maybe I'll give it another month or two. I hope the Wacky Races book lives up to my love of that cartoon! I've got that one on DVD!

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