Superman Loves Wonder Woman #5

Does it literally? That's a weird name to give your baby.

Superman, being the gigantic naive fuck-up that he is, managed to give Zod access to his Phantom Zone Extraction Device and Zod immediately used it to free Faora. Meanwhile the entire world is fixated on Superman and Wonder Woman's romantic life. Has the media given them a cute nickname like Bennifer yet? Like Superwoman? Or Wonder Man? Also, was Bennifer (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez) the first time that the media began talking about Hollywood couples by merging their names? Which has now become a huge thing where people just merge the names of any two people that they ship? If so (and I'm not doing the research to know for sure if it's true), that means Kevin Smith began this sick and disturbing codependent way of talking about couples! I'm pretty sure he coined "Bennifer" when working with them on Jersey Girl.

Wouldn't it be weird to be Jennifer Garner and have to hear people referring to her and Ben as Bennifer when everybody knows who the Jennifer part of Bennifer really is?

Wonder Woman has finally gone back to visit her family since she wasn't visiting them over in her own title although she did manage to get back to visit in her own title last issue probably so Azzarello could beat Charles Soule to the punch.

Hera's a big jerk! She knew cursing the Amazons to become living phalluses would be the worst.

So far, I've been enjoying Soule's version of Wonder Woman as much as Azzarello's version. Geoff Johns' version over in Justice League is a real ballbreaker though! She just loves to pick fights, doesn't she? Not that Azzarello's version isn't wont to punch a sibling in the head now and then (was that enough negatives in that sentence?!). But she's mostly tended toward resolving conflicts with compassion and smooth talk. But still, we all lose our heads now and again when having to deal with family. Especially when your family are arrogant narcissists that think turning their in-laws into snakes is a bloody good joke.

The only real problem with this comic book is that Superman and Wonder Woman are dating. But if that's what's happening, and it provides some well-written stories by Charles Soule, I'll go with it. But they have to get naked together at some point. Enough of all this kissing in costume! Get to banging on-panel already!

Wonder Woman is visiting Themyscira to talk to herself out loud. Maybe Superman's super hearing can't penetrate Themyscira's magical defenses, so she can express her doubts without fear of Clark hearing and getting all pouty. Although she probably doesn't have to worry about him hearing her right now because he's a little bit busy fighting the creatures that Zod set free from Superman's menagerie.

Mirroring Zod and Faora's escape from The Phantom Zone which Superman guards in his Fortress of Solitude, Wonder Woman discovers that something has escaped from Tartarus, home of the monsters, the entrance of which lies in the middle of Paradise Island and guarded by the Amazons. Now they're probably both going to give Batman a call and ask for help. Or maybe Wonder Woman will call Batwoman since she's helped her capture an escapee from Tartarus before.

If you don't need a lecture then don't call Batman! Sheesh.

Wonder Woman doesn't call anybody because there's no cell reception on Themyscira anyway. Instead she finds the escaped creature herself, stabs it in the head, and tosses it back down into Tartarus. She then uses her Lasso of Truth to secure the doors to the underworld because I guess her Lasso would really come in useful if only she still had it on her later on in this story.

Wonder Woman easily takes care of her problem so Superman is probably mirroring her results and easily putting Zod and Faora back into the Phantom Zone, right?

Forget how powerful the eye lasers might be, the real brutality here is the kicking.

People often talk about how violent video games are but none of that really bothers me because they're just games. But I recently found what I feel is by far the most brutal moment in my history of video game playing so far and it involves kicking. Stomping, actually. Xbox Live just recently gave away Dead Island for free to Gold Members and I've played a bit of it. I know you're fighting zombies but the most brutal moment I've ever experienced (which, obviously, makes me laugh like a demented madman) is knocking a zombie to the ground and then just stomping the shit out of it until it dies. Playing alone, this is sadistic. But playing in multiplayer with two or three other people standing around helping to stomp the shit out of this zombie? It's practically perverse in its brutality. Sure, these are zombies and I guess they deserve to die because they're not like us and who cares that maybe their motivation for eating people's brains is because rising back up as a zombie hurts like a motherfucker and they're just trying to euthanize all of us poor living souls and keep us from their pain and torture. But they're also human figures in bikinis and shorts. So it really just feels like you're a psychopath let loose in some tourist trap in the South Pacific. It does send me into paroxysms of laughter due to the exaggerated violence of it all. Make of that what you will, Doctor Judgypants.

Oh yeah, look at that. No reception on Luddite Island.

Wonder Woman finds Superman and saves his ass because he's more journalist than warrior. Wonder Woman tells Zod that "He is mine!" (referencing Superman, of course!) in Kryptonian and Zod is impressed that she learned the language for him. Are you kidding? Of course she didn't! All she needed to learn was "He is mine!" And now the Moulin Rouge soundtrack is going to be stuck in my head for yet another week.

Of course.

Okay, so maybe Diana isn't using her compassion to win this battle. But then you don't fly into a fight with hugs and kisses when you've just gotten a desperate call from Cyborg telling you that Superman needs help NOW!

Oh! I almost forgot Wonder Woman's best portrayal so far in The New 52: her guest appearance in Batwoman! That bit where she puts Pegasus out of his misery is just beautiful and heart-wrenching. The great thing about Wonder Woman is not that she is compassionate and refutes violence. It's that she has a belief system in place that allows her to run the entire spectrum. She kills when it is absolutely needed or her only choice. But it shouldn't be her first choice. Geoff Johns' Wonder Woman in Justice League just seems bloodthirsty. Azzarello's version is much calmer and she spends far more time talking and having tea with her loved ones than she does murdering monsters. Charles Soule's version? It's really kind of hard to tell just five issues into it and concentrating on her "love" of Superman. I really can't wait until they break up and things get awk-ward!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #5 Rating: No change. I'm still waiting for Charles Soule to disappoint so I can pounce like a rabid dog and tear his throat out while ranting incoherently about his awful stylistic choices and his atrocious characterizations! I feel so much more comfortable when I can truly hate a comic book and its creative team.