Ventriloquist #1

Great. How many image tags am I going to screw up typing "ventriloquist"?!

I was going to do a Who's Who entry on Scarface before reading this one but then I felt that was a bit occupationist to group them together when all they have in common is making dolls talk without moving their lips. Scarface is just a gangster bullying the man with his hand up his ass. He's only creepy because he's a ventriloquist's dummy. But Ferdie's least creepy feature is that he's a ventriloquist's dummy. His most creepy feature is that he acts like one of those guys that has to turn every thing anybody says into some kind of sexual innuendo. Fuck, I hate those guys. My dad is one of those guys! You're not being witty just because you can make a woman uncomfortable by pointing out how much you'd like to bang her after every thing she says.

Female: "I love the way these pants fit but they're so difficult to get into some days."
Creepy Guy: "I bet I can get into those pants easily enough!"
Female: "Ugh. I had such a hard day at work today."
Creepy Guy: "I don't find it work to get hard for you!"
Female: "Yeah. Great. You do know I'm about to call the police?"
Creepy Guy: "Po-lice let me bang you!"

Ferdie's chat up lines all seem fake and creepy in another way as well because I'm fairly certain Ferdie is a closeted homosexual ventriloquist's dummy. He's just trying so hard to be macho in that way men don't actually act macho. Well, except for those really fucking creepy ones. Like my dad and Mickey Rourke.

The real creep factor lies with Shauna though. She's some kind of Carrie mixed with the girl in the well from Ringu and every cast member of every episode of Big Brother. That last bit is the creepiest part of her personality.

Currently everything in Gotham is truly fucked up. Batman disappears and things just fall apart. In my mind, that's no city. That's daycare. The entire city should be knocked down if they can't even keep it together when Batman goes away for a few hours. While all the chaos rages on outside, Shauna and Ferdie have set up shop in an old theater. They're giving away food, the building has heat and light, and the Ventriloquist is planning on giving a "gasser" of a show. Hey, Ferdie! Stop being ominous! But first, they have an interview to explain Shauna's origin! Other than the Byrthday Party where she was teased relentlessly which led to her poisoning all of the other children and stealing the entertainment's Ferdie puppet.

I hate to judge people on their appearances but since Ferdie is a puppet and not a people, I'll engage in some idle speculation based on that well-moussed hair and sharp suit: he's gay. Although, really, I'm also basing that on his trying too hard to show that he's sexually attracted to the woman continuously fisting him.

Shauna begins her story at the beginning. Not as "at the beginning" as Tristram Shandy begins his story. But at her birth, anyway. That's close enough to the beginning for a Teen Rated comic book. Wouldn't want those teen boys and girls learning how to make a baby! Just imagine if they knew making a baby happened when a penis released its seed into a vagina! They might actually stop doing that! Anyway, the important thing was that Shauna was not born alone; she had a twin brother!

Twin is just the technical word for two babies born at the same time because apparently these two were anything but twins.

What the hell? She looks cute! She must be suffering from some Japanese Video Virus Curse or something that doesn't affect readers. She was also adorable at the byrthday party where she found Ferdie.

While Shauna's brother received all the recognition and became an annoying child actor, she went on to become a brilliant child murderer!

I wish I had the secret power to push children in front of cars move things with my mind!

Eventually Shauna's brother dies in a tragic swing set accident that couldn't be helped by anybody. It's just one of those things! And it's why swing sets should be built on that weird green foam rubber crap that was probably carcinogenic which is why they moved to bark or sand or, mostly, just parks without swings. When was the last time a park had a see-saw? And yet whenever there is a park nearby, the street sign for playground is two kids on a see-saw! How soon before those are completely recognizable by everybody going to the park? "Why the fuck is that the sign for playground? What the fuck is it?"

Meanwhile some Gotham Street Gang called The Crime Alley Cretins (because one of them had a thesaurus when they came up with the name) have heard about Shauna's gig. Mostly they heard how it had free food. Mostly mostly they heard that women were attending. And one day without Batman in Gotham City makes it feel like the end of the world has come and you've got to always be on the look out for keeping the human race going when the apocalypse hits.

Just before the show starts, Shauna nears the end of her origin story.

Continuity error! That sign read "Byrthday Party" in Batgirl!

Gotham City has the most dangerous playgrounds in the world! Swings over concrete AND see-saws?! Death trap! Why doesn't Batman put a stop to this nonsense?

So Shauna tells the story about how Rainbow Rodney gave her his Ventriloguist dummy because he saw how it would help her through all of her future troubles. Then she named it Ferdie after her brother and it immediately began to try to fuck her.

Goddammit, Gail Simone! Did you just brainstorm "all creepy things" and instill them in this character?

Gail Simone: "What would really creep people out? Incest!"
RocketSpouse: "Penises caught in hot tubs!"
Gail Simone: "Umm, thanks honey, but maybe not that. Oh! Japanese horror movies!"
RocketSpouse: "Pistachio ice cream!"
Gail Simone: "Yeah, I'll try to work that in. How about Ventriloquist dummies?"
RocketSpouse: "Oh yeah! That's why you're the writer! I was going to say kittens!"
Gail Simone: "Women in bra-less slips!"
RocketSpouse: "Scott Lobdell's MSN Messenger messages!"
Gail Simone: "Yeah but I don't know how I can incorporate that into the script, dear."

I forgot to add her ability at telekinesis into the creepy things!

Don't Batman and Batgirl have a responsibility to brief the police on the criminals they're taking into custody before they simply disappear when everybody turns their backs? I'm kind of close to blaming these police deaths on Batgirl!

Finally Shauna and Ferdie head up on stage and begin their act filled with lots and lots of Ventriloquist Dummy fucking things innuendo. It would kill if the audience was the normal Gotham populace. But since it's only people trying to find a place to survive, the entire act is really fucking creepy.

To be fair to Shauna, this is the normal audience reaction to every ventriloquist act. Seriously. How the fuck did that Terry guy win America's Got Talent doing this shit?

You know what? The black father in the audience? Wasn't he somebody's psychiatrist somewhere? In Detective Comics or something? The Evil Dentist? He looks familiar!

Oooh! Ooooh! Where is her right hand?! I hope it's...oh. That's the one that's up his bum. Never mind. Also, I guess the "K" sound is really hard to pronounce as a Ventriloquist!

Midway through the Ventriloquist's act, The Crime Alley Cretins break into the theater and interrupt the show! Good thing Ferdie knows how to put up a fight.

I was once accused of heckling once but the guy was an idiot. Like most people who heap hate onto someone or something simply because they got the wrong vibe or message or misinterpreted something at first glance. I'm looking at you, Tumblr.

So my friend Bobby Henline was blown up in Iraq a few years ago. Since he was really upbeat and inspiring in his attitude toward losing an arm and an eylid and his hair and a bunch of tattoos and a whole lot of skin, his counselor encouraged him to try stand-up. The first time he did stand-up was at The Laugh Factory or one of those places down on Melrose or wherever in Los Angeles (what am I? Google Maps?) while he was in Southern California getting some surgery consults. I flew down to visit him at the time and went with him to his first stand-up gig at an open mic amateur stand-up thing. Being that the audience really just consisted of me and Bob's nurse and a friend of Bob's nurse (maybe less than half a dozen other patrons but we sat close to the stage), the Emcee kept asking me questions about where I lived or what I thought of a comedian and whatnot. So I wasn't yelling out my opinion of anybody! I was being asked in-between sets! But Bob went up and told his jokes and he was pretty good. Now, before we went out, we had some whisky shots and he said if he was bombing, he was going to do his rap, "The Constipated Rapper." I said to him: "No. Do not do that. Under no circumstances should you do that!" But after he was done with his fairly successful set, he did Constipated Rapper as he walked off stage. Now, I'm not going to repeat the Constipated Rapper even though I know it by heart. I don't want to steal his material, no matter how bad it is. Remember, Bob was missing an arm and his entire head was burned so that he looked somewhat like Sloth from The Goonies. So he had the audience's sympathy, if anything. As he walked off and finished his rap, the Emcee said, "Bob, they haven't rapped like that for twenty years." After which I yelled out, "That's when he wrote it!" Because it was true. Bob wrote it in high school. That was twenty years ago at the time. But the other comics that were there made this weird negative sound that, in retrospect, sounded like twenty people saying, "Can you believe that cunt?" So one of the stand-ups came up later and simply berated me for his three minutes and wishing that I would get cancer. And I just laughed and laughed and laughed because he perceived the whole experience incorrectly and then decided to steal a Howard Stern move and wish cancer on me. Fuck you, you dumb-ass son of a bitch! I have no sympathy for people who decide to treat other people like assholes after they misinterpret a situation. I'm looking at you, Tumblr.

One of my favorite posts today was Neil Gaiman posting how he didn't want to answer a Doctor Who question because of the shitty reaction he got answering the previous one about whether the 13th Doctor should have been a woman or not. A moment where I defended him because, hey Tumblr: Stop attacking your fucking allies. Even if you think you can look righteous and smart and wise in the moment. It just hurts the entire cause, dickfaces.

Holy shit. I love Ferdie almost as much as I love Alysia. Oh! Power couple!

The issue ends with Ferdie killing all the Cretins and Shauna applying Ventriloguist Dummy Make-up to all the innocent guests she poisoned so they wouldn't heckle her during her terrible act. And it is terrible. Terrible in that way that is incredibly funny. I suppose that's why people go into ventriloquism. Because they know they don't need great material. You just tell old jokes that everybody sort of know but are funny anyway. And they're especially funny when a little dumby is telling them! And funnier when a homicidal dumby is telling them!

Ventriloquist #1 Rating: Rank #10 out of 52. So far, I've enjoyed this one the most after Cyborg Superman. I think it's because Shauna is just completely sweet and adorable as a child. I might have a differing opinion on what is sweet and adorable. Anyway, she's my kind of girl. And Ferdie could be my best friend.

Batgirl #21

I don't know who's more terrifying. Shauna who looks like she just crawled out of the well from Ringu or Ferdie the well-dressed living gay puppet.

Actually, I know the answer to my own question. I was raised on horror movies. I'm not saying that was a good thing being that it caused me to emotionally shutdown so as to not feel anything just so I could fall asleep every night. At least until Nightmare on Elm Street where I realized I couldn't even comfortably do that anymore! So most scary movies for a few decades never made me budge. But Japanese Horror films scare the sanity out of me. Not in a way where I watch them and jump and scream and throw my popcorn all around the room. But where I feel tense and nerved up and creeped out while watching and then later, I have to turn on every light in the house so that no weird pale children can crawl up out of the shadows and mouth voiceless words at me. Just typing that sentence is scaring me!

What I'm trying to say is, Shauna is scarier than Ferdie. I actually think I could become good friends with Ferdie if he'd just lose the drills in the hands.

This cover makes me realize something I didn't know was going on in Batgirl up until this point. I know all of Batgirl's enemies after The Mirror have been women and, technically, the Mirror can be thought of as female as well since he was reflecting Barbara back at herself. And like The Mirror, every villain has mirrored some aspect of Barbara's personality so we can see how Barbara dealt with it and learned from it and how easily the same thing can break someone under different circumstances. None of that is what I realized! What I realized was how important it was to have Batgirl's villains be female for one simple reason: it removed the whole idea of sexual assault from the picture. It's something I didn't even really realize was there until this cover; the fact that if Batman were on this cover (minus maybe Ferdie's little heart on the cheek and how obvious it is that Ferdie is gay), nobody would think a sexual crime might be committed. Nobody reads a comic book and worries that any harm other than direct physical damage will come to Batman or Superman or The Flash. Maybe Aquaman but the sea is a weird place. But if you throw some large muscular asshole at Batgirl on the cover, sexual assault is an easily read uncomfortable undercurrent of the situation.

I'm not throwing anything new out there about how different threats can be seen based on the genders of the heroes and villains. What I wanted to say was how fucking smart it has been of Gail Simone to have Batgirl's antagonists all be female for that specific reason. It's easy to just read the comic and think, "Oh, of course she's just going to fight female villains because she's a female!" But to never have to deal with even the stray thought that Batgirl could be sexually assaulted forces the reader to concentrate on the story sans gender roles.

Of course now Simone has introduced a randy little murder puppet, so that's pretty fucking awesome all in itself.

The first page of this issue shows Nightwing falling to the ground swinging through Chicago and I instantly hear all the readers' hearts speed up in unison. Nightwing makes the call to Babs at a weird time but I guess that's the life of a crimefighter!

When did Dick become the glue holding the Bat Family together? It still boggles my mind that Dick Grayson has become one of my favorite characters in the DC Universe.

Dick lets Babs know he's there for her and Barbara tells him she's not ready for anybody to be there for her. Hopefully she'll find out her brother either survived or was brought back to life via Amanda Waller's Samsara Project (ugh, I hate that project!) so that she doesn't have to be sad for very long. I like my Batgirls upbeat and perky and overly confident in her ability to beat the piss out of a living doll. Babs doesn't want to wear the Bat but she knows she's the only one capable of saving Xavia the Celebrity Hostage Judge. So it's back to work.

Alysia has potato chip pajamas! Or maybe she's just a messy eater? Or maybe Vengeance Moth got a hold of them. Oh! Maybe that's Vengeance Moth's power! She destroys clothing!

Meanwhile Shauna and Ferdie are having relationship troubles. Ferdie's eye keeps wandering and Shauna is feeling a little under-appreciated. So she wants Ferdie to put out Xavia's Celebrity Eyeballs.

I want to learn all about how Ferdie came to be. Am I going to have to wait until the Villain Month in September to find out how he became independent? And who installed the drills in his palms? I have a feeling that wasn't a built in feature. I'd love to know Ferdie's origin but I suppose in the end it doesn't matter. Does Talking Tina ever really have a reason for being a vessel of pure vengeance and hatred? How about Willie or Caeser, the dummies from the other Twilight Zone episodes? I always figured Caeser was Willie later in his career and think of "Caeser and Me" as the sequel to "The Dummy."

The other thing I'm curious about is this: Does Shauna own any other clothes?

Hacking for great justice, Batgirl discovers Shauna's address through the DMV's files and arrives to investigate.

Okay, I'm going to let Batgirl slide on this first one because she hasn't seen as much of The Ventriloquist as the readers have. But if she gets fooled by the throwing the voice trick a second time, well, fool her once won't get fooled again South Africa and such create education better!

And then Batgirl goes running into the dark just like every protagonist of every horror movie she sat and watched with her psychotic brother. I think she knows how this is going to end! "And just like that scene in Halloween when you think it's all over, and you're gazing into space. But you gotta make sure...you hear something. You start to turn and you're standing there, frozen, staring him face to face. And he looks at you and says, 'Tag, you're it, sweetie.'" Or something like that.

Batgirl considers how the doll is acting the way it is and she thinks, "Telekinesis?" Oh yeah! I forgot that Shauna showed signs of that power. Well fuck! That explains how she controls the doll. I was hoping for a more Japanese Horror Movie reason! Well, I can still hope to get one! Just knowing TK is a possibility doesn't make it the way things are. And even if that ends up as the answer, I can believe my own version just like I'm happy to believe that Harvest is actually Vampire Tim Drake from the Future, just like every single clue points to! Even the fact that Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell wrote vastly different origins for Harvest makes my version possible!

But the next couple of pages make the Telekinesis Theory look rock solid as Batgirl is attacked by Shauna's long dead parents. Batgirl remurders them and they collapse. Perhaps the shock of seeing her father decapitated caused Shauna to falter in her power. The whole ordeal causes Batgirl to throw up. So now when she fights, she's going to be distracted by stray pieces of half-digested food stuck in her sinuses.

Throughout the battle, Shauna's parents are raving about her daughter and her potential for fame.

My favorite scene.

After Batgirl secures the parents, she ends up battling Ferdie. Ferdie is supposed to kill Batgirl for Shauna but he's really coming on to her. It's really inappropriate seeing as how his girlfriend is right in the other room. I have a feeling Ferdie is going to go to far and Shauna is going to beat his horny little cheating head in herself. Also, if Batgirl gets her ass kicked by a doll, she'd better hope Nightwing never hears about it! It'll be 24/7 doll jokes from here on out. Heck, I bet even Alfred cracks a joke or two. Of course, his jokes will be so subtle that you won't be quite sure he's actually making a joke.

Batgirl puts the little monster down with a concussive batarang, blowing him into something that now looks more like Scarface than Ferdie. I wonder if they know each other? And then she knocks out Shauna in one punch because Shauna lost her shit when her little lover was blown to pieces. Batgirl saved Xavia and is finally beginning to feel a bit better. She'd feel a whole lot better if she wasn't so worried about that bastard brother that isn't even dead anyway.

Later at home, feeling a bit depressed about her situation with her parents although it's slightly better than Shauna's situation with her parents, Babs makes cookies for her and Alysia (and Alaska too! He's so fucking fat! Awwwww!). And then the most horrible part of the night takes place.

Wait a second. Forget Ricky and the forgotten date. What the fuck is that a picture of beside the door? Four shadowy figures riding down a canyon? Is it a hint about Alysia's past life?! I really hope she was a cowboy!

Batgirl #21 Rating: +1 Ranking. The surprise guest star at the end of this comic book really sealed it. I'm glad the surprise wasn't ruined by showing the cookies right on the cover! Also, I have to end with this panel because even though I can't seem to shut up, sometimes I just have nothing to say to supplement the cuteness and the accuracy of a thing. So just enjoy!

Batgirl #20

Thanks a lot, Gail and Daniel. Now people are going to cosplay this Ventriloquist and I'm going to continuously be running and screaming through every convention I go to.

Let me guess: Alysia is going to play Hitori Kakurenbo and unleash this horror on Gotham? That would actually be a pretty good origin story for a horrible supernatural villain.

Also, Batgirl no longer has a diary because I was tired of writing Batgirl's diary. Sure, it was easier than actually commenting on the quality of the story. But I let it go for at least five issues longer than I wanted to. I should just start up my own diary.

Dear Diary,

Today I ate a whole box of Oreos. There was little time for anything else. Talk to you tomorrow!

Love,
Tess Ate Chai Tea

The issue begins nine years ago in the creepiest part of Gotham: the suburbs.

Happy Byrthday? Is there some kind of discriminatory association with having an "I" in "birthday"?! Was it too egocentric with the "I"?

Here we see kids being assholes.

And here we see what happens when you allow your kid to be an asshole. It's called comeuppance! And it's just kids being kids, right, all those who excuse bullying?

Here's the problem with bullying: bullying is all about power. So kids tend to exert the little power they have over kids with even less power. Eventually, a kid with less power will find a way to get that power back. Sometimes it's suicide. Sometimes it's murder. Most of the time, you lucky bullies, it's simply throwing some wild punches and kicks and standing up to the people making your life miserable. But eventually something is going to snap. And when it snaps and blood flows, everybody needs to realize that the victim was not the cause of the violence. The problem can't be fixed by telling kids with no power to buck up and try to get along. I think every school needs to hire a Slapper. This is a person who just goes around slapping kids really hard in the face whenever they treat other kids like dicks. I'm pretty sure that will cure the problem!

Sure, sure. We'll occasionally lose a Slapper here or there to retaliatory gun violence but at least they'd be adults assuming the risk by signing very explicit contracts that remove the liability of their deaths from all parties involved!

If you disagree with me, I am so going to give you a chocolate swirlie and an atomic wedgie.

Shauna eventually gets picked up by her parents after all the other girls get super mysteriously sick. Also, she winds up with Ferdie the Puppet. It has some tomato juice on its face so Rainbow Rodney probably didn't want it any more because it was ruined. She seems like a really sweet girl!

Back in the present, Barbara Gordon rushes to her psychologist because she's having an attack of hysteria from her ovaries. She's all, "I can't be that person I can't tell you about anymore!" And the psychologist is all, "I'm billing you triple time for this unscheduled visit." And Barbara sobs, "I'm an evil cow!" It's all very dramatic.

I don't know how seeing a psychologist can help Barbara with her Batgirl problems when she can only speak in innuendo and half-truths. She should just stick to talking about life out of her wheelchair and how hard that transition has been. Batman should let her use Alfred for her superhero psychological tune-ups. I'm pretty sure he has a tea that can calm her down. Also, Alfred would be very sympathetic to Barbara about her killing a big fat jerky asshole. Alfred gives no fucks about killing people who deserve it. That's Batman's trip!

Upset about the fight she had with her brother, Batgirl hits the night looking to smash something.

Meanwhile, Shauna, dressed in her finest raggedy slip, and her cock-gobbling puppet Ferdie were busy trying to become Gotham Stars!

Hmm. I just assumed the puppet was gay.

The judges decide Shauna is the horrible at her ventriloquism and try to kick her off the stage. But Ferdie decides he should murder one of the judges before leaving. So, you know, that's what he does. And he kidnaps the judge he's got a puppet sized erection for. I guess I could have made a wood joke there but that joke is older than the joke where you say something is older than something.

I really hope this puppet isn't anatomically correct.

Batgirl is outside and guesses something isn't quite right. That puppet probably shouldn't be strangling that lady! So after thinking about how she has a date tomorrow night with one-legged Rick the car thief, she sneaks on after The Ventriloquist.

Batgirl confronts The Ventriloquist and quickly discovers that she has more talents than making puppets talk. Wait. Is that really a talent? I talk to shit all the time! Cupcakes. Cats. Computer games. And yes, I make them talk back! Since I usually do it alone, I don't care if my lips move or not. I guess that must be the secret to people somehow being amazed that you're having a conversation with an inanimate object. The Ventriloquist's other power seems to be some form of telekinesis. She freezes Batgirl's batarang in midair and returns it to Batgirl's skull. And then the scariest moment of Barbara's life happens.

Fuck this puppet shit. I'm out.

So then the comic book ends somehow. Does somebody want to read it to me?

Miss Rabbit Pencil Sharpener: "I'll read it to you!"
Me: "Are you sure you won't be too frightened, Miss Rabbit Pencil Sharpener?"
Miss Rabbit Pencil Sharpener: "Not with my friends Reach Mint Waxed Floss and Mr. Holy Bible at my side! We can be brave!"
Me: "Well, I'd sure appreciate that!"
Empty Sake Cup: "*hic* I's gots then read da finaltemate pagagiman, 'kay?"
Me: "Um. Hunh? Why don't we just take a little trip to the sink, hunh, Mr. Cup?"
Empty Sake Cup: "Florgiglmkl!"
Me: "Um, I'll be right back."
The Holy Bible: "As-salam alaykum!"

As read to me by Miss Rabbit Pencil Sharpener:

"Okay, are you ready? Because the next part is really scary! The little puppet almost puts its big, fat drill right in Batgirl's eye! Mmm. It's terribly sexy. I've got the perfect size hole for that drill! Hee hee hee. Hey, can we take a break while you sharpen a pencil in me? It's been a long time since you've put your pencil in me. Come on! Fill me with your wood shavings! Shove your pencil in my hole! Turn my crank! Make it a number two, if you have one!"

Umm. I think I'll read the comic on my own now.

Oh, now that's just inappropriate! Especially since I think I already maxed out my comfortable amount of misogynistic remarks that I can still hand wave away as just being silly!

Knightfall's security arrives since the fight is happening in Knightfall's parking garage. The Ventriloquist uses her most secret special power to make the judge say that Batgirl was the kidnapper. As the good guys fight amongst themselves, The Ventriloquist and Ferdie make their escape. And that's where Barbara ends her story to the psychologist. Although the story she was telling the psychologist probably didn't mention the devil puppet and the leather costume and the flying kicks and the puppet drills.

Barbara Gordon suddenly remembers that she never forgets anything! She saw all the license plates in the parking garage and realizes one of them must be owned by the puppet. She'll track that little bastard down yet! Although I suppose she could also hit the streets and ask if anybody has seen a horrible little devil puppet with drills in the palms of its hands. That seems like something people should remember.

But Batgirl might not have to rely on her own smarts anyway! Because the puppet wants a piece of her! And I don't mean that in a sexual way. I don't think. I think he means it in a murdery way.

Yep, yep. Definitely a murdery way.

And finally, Commissioner Gordon is on the hunt for Batgirl's head. Which means there was no Alysia. Stupid comic book.

Batgirl #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. This Batgirl villain mirrors Batgirl because she has never really fit in. She was odd and ostracized and was determined that justice should win out. Of course, Barbara's version of justice she learned from her father. And that was the law kind. Until Batman undermined her sense of justice and taught her that justice wasn't about the law at all! Shauna's sense of justice was simply making people who did mean things feel bad. And by feel bad, I mean dead. So her version of justice (except for the dead part) is pretty close to Batman's version of justice where he really likes to make people hurt a lot and pay lots of money in medical bills. I think Barbara's sense of justice is more in the middle of her father's and Batman's. It's more compassionate due to her sense of compassion which I think originates inside of her uterus.