Saturday, September 29, 2012

Superman #0

Here comes Scott Lobdell to change up Superman's origin! No longer will he have been simply shot in a rocket toward a solar system with a yellow sun. Now someone will have convinced Jor-el to choose the Sol System. This someone will also have programmed the rocket to land in Kansas. This someone will have placed the mutated lamb on the farm near the Kents and slipped some RU486 into Ma's morning tea so that she'd miscarry. It's all just one big elaborate plan by some secret antagonist to get Superman to exactly where he's found himself! And maybe that antagonist is Harvest!

The story begins with Jor-el.

How does Superman suddenly know so much about his father? Maybe Harvest told him. And why is Jor-el wearing Lex Luthor's power armor? I guess it was Kryptonian in design. I didn't really read much Superman so there's no reason I should have known. I simply owned the Lex Luthor in Power Armor Super Friends action figure!

Jor-el is exploring deep within Krypton to try and diagnose what is wrong with the planet. He comes to the same conclusion he'd already come to on the surface. KRYPTON IS DOOOOOOOMED!

But is this devastation due to the Clones destroying all the climate control towers or has it been caused by the rumored secret Doomsday cult that sprung up after the Clones' defeat. Only Harvest knows for sure!

On Jor-el's way up to the surface, he meets an entirely new race of being that eats and dissolves rocks and metals. What is this crazy creature? Could it be a manufactured species by a Doomsday Cult to bring on the destruction of Krypton? Jor-el doesn't have time to investigate because the slimy stuff begins eating his Power Armor. He has to speed to the surface and jettison most of his research. He comes up empty handed. But he feels like he was onto something. He needs to go back down.

The bureaucracy of Kryptonopolis keeps him from descending again. So he goes home to his wife who tells him she's pregnant. And then the Science Center with the passage into Krypton is blown to bits, killing everyone around and sealing the passage. And the terrorists behind it all show up in his home to demand he do what they want or they'll kill Lara.

But apparently Lara isn't that easy to kill.

Arana, the leader behind the attack, summons some reinforcements who break through a wall and begin blabbing all of their secret plans as they bicker with each other. Looks like a Doomsday Cult planning to bring the end to Krypton. And somehow Jor-el is accidentally making the process go too quickly for their amazingly complicated plan to go smoothly.

Ugh. So fucking dumb. "If you don't help us, Jor-el, we'll kill you. If you help us, everyone will be killed." The bad guys have already escalated to the end point: the death of everything. Maybe Harvest is the Eradicator!

As Jor-el and Lara defeat Arana, Jor-el reveals that he once had to break Lara out of the Phantom Zone. I bet that story is never told and completely forgotten except by fanboy trivia hounds. And then another stupidest moment in comics happens yet again! Since the New 52 has had so many great stupid moments, I am declaring there are more than one "stupidest" moment! And this is one of them!

How is this shocking twist supposed to be anything but stupid? Was I supposed to be floored by it? What a twist!

I bet Lobdell was writing this and somebody at some point asked, "How does Superman know all of this shit?" You know, like I did as soon as I began reading this stupid piece of shit. And at that moment, Lobdell had a stroke. I mean, he had a flash of inspiration! Superman knows because Superman was there observing! Fuck Flashpoint! Superman will time travel later when DC has managed to fix Flashpoint. Which of course doesn't make any fucking sense ever. Time Travel working before an event stuck in time and then not working after that event stuck in time and then working again later because some event in time fixes the other event in time MAKES NO GODDAMNED SENSE! Stop writing time travel stories if you don't fucking understand time travel, you fuckwits.

Anyway, even if Superman was there, half of his Narration Boxes talk about what Jor-el was thinking. So Superman being their doesn't explain anything. And I'm still not done reading this comic! Lobdell wants me to drop my underwear just a little bit more. Maybe bend over the desk a bit more, hunh Lobdell? Is this good enough for you? Yeah? How about a little more lube? That feel better? Oh yeah!


So Lobdell just created a being that knows all but somehow doesn't know if Krypton is going to be saved by Superman? Oh yeah. I'm super excited about this Oracle fellow.

Superman #0 Rating: The ass-destroyingest issue of the entire New 52 so far.

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