New Guardians #0

Such a colorful cover! Except Munk is missing. It probably has something to do with the time this takes place. Seeing as how Atrocitus and possibly Carol Ferris are in the group, this must be a Preboot gathering of the Rainbow Corps.

First off, the art is shitty shitty shitsville. Ugh. Awful. Bad. Terrible. Not my style. Icky. Kooky. Maybe I should just give an example.

I don't know what about it I don't like. Can't I just not like something sometimes without an explanation? Of course I can!

Carol is counting the infractions one of her workers is committing as the issue begins. But it's all just fun and games because she's a cool boss like that. She's wondering where Hal got off to with Sinestro because apparently this Zero Issue takes place in the present. So perhaps the characters on the cover are going to end up being the main members of the New Guardians. Too bad that Bleez and Glomulus are out. They were the two best members.

Carol has her coworker Thomas open Hal's locker to see if his Power Battery is still there. It is which is weird. I thought Hal was upset in a recent issue because Sinestro allowed him to keep the ring but wouldn't give him anything to power it with. But Hal has a Power Battery right there in his locker? I think somebody fucked up! Anyway, Carol finds the wedding ring Hal purchased before he realized he actually had a chance to become Green Lantern for good again. Marriage plans are off now that Sinestro's back in his life.

Kyle shows up to speak with Star Sapphire Carol Ferris when everyone notices a news report that might pertain to their conversation.

How would any comic book plot ever move forward without the ever present television news broadcast?

Carol grabs her Violet ring and meets Kyle at the cemetery. They destroy the Black Lantern Zombies with their dual action color combo but find no sign of Hal or Sinestro. But once they've cleared the graveyard, more zombies burst up from the ground and attack them. They're unable to coordinate their attacks this time but Kyle summons up some hope and he blasts the Black Lantern Zombies with Green and Blue Lantern energy. So he does still have his Rainbow Power!

How sweet! Why am I such a sarcastic asshole? Fuck I must be annoying to be around.

Kyle asks his ring to locate Hal Jordan and it replies that he's dead. Carol goes into denial and wants to see a body. So Kyle tries to locate Hal's ring and his ring shows him the image of Hal's replacement. Which is kind of nonsensical since it was really Sinestro's ring. Although I guess Hal did some weird willpower trick to the ring right before he thought he was going to die because he didn't want Sinestro's ring flying off and finding another jerko like Sinestro. That's why the new guy is a little bit lawful and a little bit chaotic. I think he's Chaotic Lawful.

Kyle shrugs and says, "Welp. Looks like Hal's dead!" But Carol tells him he's not. She's a Love Lantern and she can still feel the tie between her and Hal. It isn't broken so Hal is alive, somewhere. She then zaps Kyle with her ring to give him the same love feeling (gay!) but instead it somehow shows Kyle his future. I don't get how that works but just go with it this time, okay?

That's what I said last commentary! Kyle has to be the most everythingiest to power up all the spectrums.

Does this also mean Kyle will be the first male Star Sapphire?

And that's where this comic leaves Kyle and Carol. But meanwhile half a universe away, The Guardians are making a deal with their ex-wives.

I don't know about that! Where's the bickering? And the back stabbing? And the fucking space lawyers?

New Guardians #0 Rating: This is pretty fucked up, DC. This zero issue is really just a continuation of the Green Lantern story line going on in the regular issues. And it seems a bit critical to the main Green Lantern title as well! Of course I expect anyone already reading these stories is obviously going to pick up these books. But I know I read somewhere that part of the plan with the Zero Issues was to give readers a chance to spend their normal monthly comic money on other titles Zero Issues to see if they might like those stories without missing anything in their usual monthly reads. I realize that's kind of a bullshit objective though. Who buys a monthly comic and then doesn't collect the Zero Issue when it comes out, right? But still! Now I have to store this Issue #0 between Issues #12 and #13 so that the story makes sense!

Although I've been storing all of the Zero Issues between 12 and 13 of their respective titles anyway. I just wanted something else to bitch about.