Batgirl #0

Dear Miss Stephanie, my gorgeous brown velvet diary,

I know I promised to finish that story where Nightfell knifed me in the back like a sneaky bastard. See how I called her a bastard? I'm trying not to act so catty, calling other women skanks and hoes and bitches and cunts and whatnot. Even though Nightfell is all of those things! But she's also an asshole and a prick and a dickface and a cocksucker and a dork scumbag too! I just made that up, "Dork Scumbag!" That's means she's a condom fit for a whale's penis!

Anywazers, I'm going to save that story for another night and tell you about how I became Batgirl! It kind of started that night dad put up the Bat Signal. He turned it on and I was like, "Wow! A light in the sky! With a bat in it!" Yeah, I know, it wasn't actually very awe inspiring. But it was the idea behind it that had me all squishy feeling! That sign was supposed to summon a dark, mysterious, justice-loving beast of a manly man! What girl wouldn't swoon. But looking up at that light, I thought, "Why the fuck a bat MAN?! That shit is bullshit! What this town needs is a bat WOMAN!" And then I thought maybe *I* could do that and then I thought, "You know, I haven't even let a guy look at my naked boobs yet so maybe GIRL would work a little better. It would also keep all the ancient pervo thirty year olds from hitting on my hot little self. "Dude! I'm Bat GIRL! Who are you? Gotham's new villain: THE PEDOPHILE?!" And then maybe he'd be all, "Oh, sorry! Sorry! I thought you were Robin! I'm actually known as THE PEDERAST!"

This was all back when I was just barely in college. I was so smart I had early entry! I think I was like fifteen or something. Maybe I was eighteen. But I'm so much smarter than other people I was probably fifteen! I mean, I lived at home and slept with my teddy bear and not one single guy had even tried to kiss me yet!

Here's a pic of me, Miss Stephanie. See how hot I was?! And no guys were even trying! Maybe that was one gigantic downside to your dad being police commissioner!

So I was taking this college course about criminology or something. It was just an excuse to get my ass into my dad's work space. I needed to learn more about that guy dad set up the signal for! The Batman! A college paper on that guy would get me a super A+++! But only if I could prove he was real, find out who he was, and get him to kiss me! No, no! Ew! He was probably like 28 or something and I was just 15! Gross! I mean, kind of sexy. Except that sweet little innocent fifteen year old girl couldn't know that Batman was going to be like a dad! So super gross and I'm going to stop talking about this now.

So I'm flirting with these Gotham cops by asking stupid questions and laughing at their dumb jokes and flipping my hair around and grabbing their arm against my boobs and saying, "You're so brave!" And my plan works! Pretty soon, they've taken me deep into headquarters to a secret meeting where the cops are discussing Batman!

Yes, I thought I was as smart as Batman. I was a know-it-all 15 year old psychotic selfish teenaged girl! But look how hot I was! I'm so glad I wasn't a know-it-all 15 year old smelly idiot spastic teenaged boy!

Looking back on what happened next, I have to wonder why my dad let me tour police headquarters. He might as well let me stroll around Arkham Asylum alone and in my bra and panties. Riots break out at both places with alarming frequency. On this occasion, a gang of women exploded into the station to help their leader escape. How come I'm always fighting other women? Even right from the start! Although their leader was a big muscular balding man that had a weird jones for my brother James. How could he tell with one look that James was a flipping lunatic? Sometimes my credulity really knows no bounds but this was pushing it. The guy just looks at him and knows my brother is a psycho?! No way!

Anyboots, James and I start heading up to the roof because this fat Canadian woman stealing bastard is looking to take me next! I know how to protect myself but I've got to get James to safety. Maybe it would have been better if I'd have just let James get killed.

OMG! I can't believe I just thought that! And then wrote it down too! I should probably cross that out in case I die fighting The Joker or someone and then my diary is found by the cops and then someone publishes it because it's such a beautiful portrayal of a young girl trapped in a dangerous world with only her super smarts and her hot ass to save her. But her youthful optimism is her most important weapon of all! And her tenacity and stubbornness are pretty good weapons as well! And my boobs shoved into a leather suit are pretty flippin' fantastic too.

Meanwhile, my dad was outside probably being held down and restrained by fifteen cops to keep him from charging in to save his family!

Or simply held back by one lesbian's soft hand on his shoulder.

But I didn't need my dad's help! I didn't need anyone's help because I'm the Goddamned Babs Gordon! While this Harry jerk (ha ha! His name was Harry but he was bald!) was beating a cop near to death, I ran off and put on the fake Batman costume the police had mocked up in their attempt to identify him. I was just trying to stall him long enough for help to arrive and distract him long enough for the poor cop trying to rescue me to get away. It was the guy I had been flirting with earlier so I kind of felt responsible. He probably thought he was going to rescue me and then I'd jump into his arms and wrap my legs around his midsection and smash my lips up against his lips. My boobs smashed up against him and the heat from between my legs would probably be too much for him and I'd feel a stirring in his pants press up against my inner thigh. I'd slowly pull my lips away, strings of saliva still maintaining the connection, and I'd look him in the eyes and say, "Make me a woman!" And that's when, just like out of every movie ever where a man and a woman have sex with the woman hanging from the guy's shoulders, he'd unbuckle his pants and I'd glance down to see him pull his manhood from his cop boxers. It would be my first glimpse of a penis erect and straining because of me *ME!* and my womanness! He'd pull my panties to the side and BAM! I'd be a woman! Right there with the tear gas all around me.

Um, wow. I'll be right back. Just need a private moment with my Bat Buzzer after that fantasy.
Okay, where was I, Diary? You won't tell anybody about that fantasy, right?! It's one of my favorites even though it didn't go down that way at all! And it's a good thing it didn't because Batman would have walked in on me having my first sexual experience and I would have been so embarrassed! Instead, I beat up Harry the Psychopath! ME! All by myself! That was so much more satisfying than even the sex fantasy where the guy saves me because, seriously, relying on a guy to save you? That's so 1991! Oh yeah! After I beat up Harry, BATMAN shows up!

Ew! And that little creep James Jr was watching the whole thing.

And that's how Batgirl came to be! I spent the next year training with Batman and Robin. But then I took some time off to finish college. And then some jerko (that's an anagram!) shot me in the spine! So I had to take even longer off than I had initially intended. Oh well! Sailor V!

Batgirl #0 Rating: Pornographic.