Suicide Squad #0

Last commentary I gave the Harley Quinn fans a hard time about the New 52. This is the commentary where I say, "I believe everything I said last time but come here and give me a hug." I know what you're feeling. I get it. Death is hard. And believe me, Harley Quinn is dead. But so is Superman. And Batman. And Wonder Woman. And Hal Jordan. Well, not Hal Jordan. Well, actually, yeah, Hal Jordan is dead too. But he died after the Reboot. I'm speaking about all of the characters being killed by DC to begin again. All that history. All those characters. All that time invested. It's gone. It's sad.
Here's the part where the but comes in.

But it isn't exponentially different than when a new writer takes over an old character. It's barely even different by a factor of one. Or should I say a factor of two? Is a factor of one still the same number and thus the character hasn't changed at all? I guess I'm too many years removed from my last calculus class. Unless the factors I'm speaking of are analogies of something else? Fuck it. I'm starting over!

The characters in The New 51 are obviously not the same characters that appeared in the final issues before September 2011. But they haven't changed much more than when a new writer would take over a book during the Preboot anyway. Look at Green Arrow in Reboot Continuity. That fucker has had three different personalities. No, four if you count the Zero Issue! Do you remember that's how it was before the Reboot as well? You could love how a character is being written when suddenly a creative team shake-up occurs and you end up with whip creamed bullshit in the next issue. The Reboot isn't so different. Some characters got lucky and a really talented writer ended up on their book. Some characters got even luckier and had Geoff Johns writing them Preboot and Reboot so nothing in Hal Jordan's life changed at all. And some characters like Captain Atom, Green Arrow, Superboy, Voodoo, Grifter, Harley Quinn, and The Teen Titans ended up with mediocre writers writing mediocre stories about them. That's not the Reboot's fault. It's just the luck of the draw in the change of the creative team.

Now that that is all said, let the shouts of "Hypocrite" fly at me from every corner (especially from the Harley Fans!). Because FUCK THIS SHIT!

Amanda Waller only scored 75,760 points on her pinball game?! FUCK YOU, REBOOT!

Sorry about that. Let me get serious again. There's a very real problem in remaking Amanda Waller into a bad-ass killing machine. It takes away her real strength. Now, everyone in the Suicide Squad is afraid of her because she can kill them at the drop of a cream pie. Where is Amanda's bravery when dealing with these psychopaths if she can drop each and every one of them when they act out? I want the woman who could stand toe to toe against Batman not because she knew she could take him out with a super secret Team 7 martial arts move. But because she had the stubborn willpower to stick to her beliefs, to stick to the mission, and to not let any fucking man tell her otherwise. Not many people can make Batman back down and most certainly nobody but Amanda Waller could ever do it while having nothing but her stern and scary attitude to back her up. Okay, maybe Alfred Pennyworth and Dick Grayson could make Batman back down but in a totally nice and gay and polite way. Amanda could do it simply because her balls were bigger than Batman's.

So see, Harley Quinn fans? I feel you. I get it. You want what you want and you want it back the way it was. But here's the bottom line: change happens. In a situation like this, you have a few options. Stop reading Harley stories is one of them. I think that's the main way to go and always has been, Reboot or no Reboot. If a writer wasn't treating your girl right, stop paying to read those stories. So I get abandoning her although I think she got left at the altar a little quickly in this case. When a costume change is the main reason you stop reading a character, you need to think a little bit longer on why the fuck you liked that character in the first place. But Adam Glass didn't fucking help matters with that Goddamn scene where she fucks Deadshot and compares her vagina to a clown car. WTF?! Anyway, there's still hope for Harley. Some people gave up on her and claimed it was because she wasn't infatuated with Mr. J. But she still is and I can't wait to see what happens when he returns and she finds out he isn't dead. I'm really hoping she makes an appearance in Snyder's Batman. So maybe in another book with another writer, Harley will be okay. But for now, she's getting better. But Amanda Waller has gotten the high hard one right up her now skinny little ass. And it's a shame.

I loved Amanda Waller as a strong, confident, fat, black woman. I think making her capable of extreme physical violence and incredible acts of agility takes away the things that really made her strong and worth admiring. But I'm willing to give her a chance. Mainly because I know Adam Glass is no John Ostrander. He's not even in the same league. So comparing the Amanda Waller I once loved to this one is just unfair. Even if she were fat and non-lethal, she still wouldn't be written by John Ostrander! Not that I have to like it. But at least this comic book uses dialogue more than Narration Boxes and continues to have a sense of whimsy and fun to contrast against the death of as many characters as the team can get away with. And with that, I'm done bitching. Let's read a fucking comic book.

Some unspecified time in the past (another author not willing to place something in a continuum probably because they're afraid of saying something that contradicts Grant Morrison's Action Comics), Amanda Waller has lit out for the territories. She's done. She's gone. She did her time with Team 7 and now she just wants to play some pinball. But an old member of Team 7, Duren, locates her and wants to talk about Regulus.

Remember Regulus? He's the guy who didn't even know he was the guy. The one that runs Basilisk.

Here is Malaysia. I think I forgot to point that out while bitching earlier.

Basilisk is in town to blow up a weapon of mass destruction. Why? Why not? Right? Terrorist groups just do terrorism as its own end, right? Can't be any other reasons behind it! How dare anyone think the people behind the terrorism are humans with actual problems and issues since they deal with them in a completely unacceptable way. But mostly, why the fuck are they going to blow up Malaysia?

That's what I was trying to get at!

Amanda and her new team hunt down some guy that they believe has information on Basilisk's plans. To find out what this guy knows, Amanda puts a knife in one of his testicles. Is this Adam trying to show that Amanda is a literal ball-breaker now? Now instead of scary, she's just a cold-hearted bitch though couldn't care less if this guy was actually working for terrorists or not. Lucky for Amanda (or lucky for this guy?), he was and he gave up the information. Amanda lets him waddle out of the monastery instead of killing him. So at least she has that going for her.

That's a pretty sophisticated laptop!

The information they pull from the flash drive they took from the mouth of the guy Amanda half-castrated lets the team know that Basilisk's bomb is in a nearby village. When they get to the village, Amanda says, "We gotta find that bomb." Good plan, bitch! Too bad you don't have a team of super villains so desperate to gain their freedom that they're willing to risk their lives on insane missions that are practically suicidal!

Amanda trusts her team to find the bomb while she sets off to find Regulus. She sees a helicopter landing on a mesa overlooking the town and decides that must be him. So she rides a motorcycle up the path and just begins shooting at it until it blows up. That's one lady very confident in her intuition.

And that's why you don't just blast away at any moving vehicle you think might contain a bad guy, Amanda.

I suppose Amanda's team is going to fail to find the bomb and they'll be blown up. Which is why Amanda will want to get back at Regulus so badly that she comes out of retirement to hunt the bastard down and destroy Basilisk.

Regulus and Amanda have a little chat as they fight. Turns out Regulus and Amanda have a history during her Team 7 days. Is Basilisk a Wildstorm team? I can't believe that's the first time I questioned that. Amanda also finds out that Regulus's bomb is not a bomb of destruction but a bomb that will change people caught in its blast into super powered jerks. Or, it probably kills most people and the few people in the blast radius with the Meta-Gene will survive to become super assholes. I bet Duren is one of those people!

Hmm. I think the bomb needs a little work.

Amanda puts a bullet in his brain to help him. I think he probably meant get him a glass of water or something. Anyway, Amanda heads back to the states, tells Duren's mom that her son is dead. Duren's mom spits in her face and while she does that, she looks a lot like the woman being held hostage at the end of Suicide Squad #12. And then Amanda approaches the mysterious white guy (or light skinned black guy) to tell him about her new idea.

Who's the woman on the far right? Is that the doctor they save from Basilisk? Is Amanda already planning her Samsara project? Perhaps to bring Duren back to life?

Suicide Squad #0 Rating: Too skinny!