DC Universe Presents #0: OMAC, Mister Terrific, Hawk & Dove, Blackhawks, Deadman

Now it's time for Where Are They Now Theater! Starring all of the DC Heroes that failed to maintain a large enough audience. Mostly because when The New 52 began, DC's fans were going to spend their money largely on popular heroes they were familiar with even if the writers of several Batman titles spectacularly sucked balls. I mean really, really spectacularly. So good. So this is the issue to show the fans what they missed out on! Lets see what they've been up to since we, or at least I, last encountered them. Or maybe I'll get to learn their origins so I finally feel complete.

First up is OMAC. Judging by the art and the six panel standard layout, my guess is that Keith Giffen is doing the art. But I've been fooled by that before! Also, the story takes place two years ago. Little does OMAC know he'll be cancelled in a scant 20 months from now.

Nice title, Giffen. Looks like it's the exact same creative team as the regular series.

Maxwell Lord and Brother Eye are pushing to get the OMAC program up and running. But as you may have read in the panel I scanned, the process has a very small chance of succeeding. Max is busy smoking and not being in a neck brace. I guess that's because Wonder Woman only snaps his neck after the OMAC protocol is let loose upon the world.

I'm not sure how Brother Eye came to be working with Maxwell Lord. But Brother Eye was created by Batman using Apokolips technology for the purposes of keeping an eye on the newly emerging super powered beings. Batman (at the current time) has no idea that Brother Eye gained sentience from the Apokolips tech.

Yes, Brother Eye respects the decision. Which is why he goes on to fill a full page with enough information that even self-obsessed Hal Jordan could figure out who created Brother Eye.

Max and Brother Eye continue to dance around who is more powerful and who has stolen more information from whom. Max cuts Brother Eye's links to Checkmate but too late. Brother Eye has already taken control of the OMAC virus for himself and he's found his test subject.

Hey! That's who I was going to suggest!

Oh, and that's the end!

OMAC #0 Rating: Origin's Mostly Ass Candy

Next up is Mister Terrific! This teeny tiny story is written by James Robinson and drawn by Tom Derenick. And it begins like a super sexy Tom DeFalco/Scott Lobdell Jam.

"I'm super smart! I'm going to wear spandex and fly around on tiny Phantasm balls! LOOK AT MY FUCKING NIPPLE! IT'S SO TINY!"

Mister Terrific's origin is simply him finding 9D space and creating some technology and sticking a "T" sticker on his face and creating some T-spheres and being smart and having had his wife and son die and being visited by his son from Earth 2 although he doesn't know that yet and that's about it! The first thing he does after donning his T-Mask is enter a rift in 9D space. He enters into a probability matrix which allows him glimpses of the future. Like Flash's super speed mental precognition power (which is dumb), this power is stupid (which is a synonym for dumb). He sees that he'll meet some new friends in funny costumes and that a scarred man will eventually kill him. But he emphasizes that this is a "probability matrix" which means none of these visions are completely destined to come true.

Wow. Isn't science and being super smart grand? It's also really boring. Do something exciting, Mister Terrific!

Mister Terrific is ejected from the rift and immediately forgets everything he saw. What the fuck?! What was the point of that? He barely remembers entering it but he decides to enter it again. Is this guy really the third smartest guy on Earth? Because he's the dumbest mother fucker in the ninth dimension, that's for sure! How many times is he planning on entering and exiting and forgetting and wanting to enter again because he forgot what just happened? Luckily, some trouble on Earth distracts him and he heads off to introduce Los Angeles to Mister Terrific.

And then there's a super surprise twist!

Oh look! In a comic about a science believing atheist, the ghost of his son turns out not to be paranormal at all! Is that Mister 8, by the way? The smartest man on Earth 2? I can't wait until Mister Terrific meets Deadman and Death from the Endless. Explain those away, big shot atheist!

Mister Terrific #0 Rating: Really pretty pedestrian and boring.

Oh fuck me in every gaping orifice! Next up is Hawk and Dove written by Rob Liefeld and drawn by his shadow, Marat Mychaels. Swoon!

The episode is title "Balance of Power" because get it? That question makes sense if you're a cynical asshole who doesn't give a fuck about his English degree. Hawk and Dove balance each other out! Male and female! Aggressive and calm. Chaos and Order. War and Peace. Penis and Vagina. Did I do that one already? Anyway, the first page shows Dove grinding against Hawk's package while they float aimlessly in space. Shut up! I'm not lying! Look for yourself!

Did Liefeld teach Mychaels how to do grimaces? Good job!

Why can't Hawk and Dove represent Sex and Abstinence? That would be such a better comic book. Hey?! Is anybody taking any notes here? I've done over 700 of these commentaries and they're mostly littered with great ideas! Yes, I said! GREAT IDEAS! What we need is a crew of mediocre writers and great artists to make some of these visions come to life! Any takers?! Seriously, people. Stop being so grown-up and adult and let's have some fucking fun.

The incarnations of Chaos and Order, War and Peace, are currently arguing with each other in deep space. Peace thinks balance needs to be maintained. War thinks Peace should shove eighteen blue dwarfs up her ass. Their debate is pretty pointless since War/Chaos doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.

Chaos and War isn't about fighting evil and destroying darkness! It's about conflict and total random bullshit! It's kind of like that Activision game from the 80s where hamburgers rained down from the sky as you manned a spaceship and tried to destroy them. Chaos! War/Chaos doesn't want to destroy the darkness with one blow! Because then there would be fucking peace, you idiot!

War is acting all pissy because he believes that Peace manipulated events to give Dawn Granger the power of Dove. And War is a sexist bastard that can't handle a woman being Dove. Actually, War doesn't like the idea of Dawn Granger being Dove because she's the most powerful Avatar anyone has ever seen. Which makes me suspect that Hank Hall shouldn't be the Avatar of War. Someone better is out there waiting to take his place. That's what the God of War should be concerned with. Finding an equal to Dawn Granger's Dove.

Then some other stuff happens and it's just as stupid as the initial run of Hawk and Dove. I think the relationship between Peace and War is way too delicate and intimate a relationship to be handled by a hack writer like Rob Liefeld. He needs to stick to people shooting bullets into other people's faces and random people suddenly betraying other people simply for the twist, even if it makes no sense for the character to do it. And now I can't wait for The Savage Hawkman #0 and Liefeld's last writing gig with DC!

Hawk and Dove #0 Rating: Unbalanced!

Next up is the Blackhawks and we're almost done! This comic cost $6. I think that's bullshit but what do I care about money and prices? Since I don't mind my taxes going to social programs that help other people obtain needed benefits, that must mean I'm a lazy, entitled asshole. Never mind that I own my own business. Also, fuck everyone that has a problem with taxes going to universal health care that could help every single mother fucker in this country but don't mind their taxes going to the imperialist war machine that only kills, maims, and creates havoc. And if you think that rant didn't belong here, did you fucking not read that whole bit about the balance between War and Peace?

Blackhawks is written by Tony Bedard and drawn by Carlos Rodriguez with inks by BIT. What the hell kind of name is BIT? Is DC employing tracing robots now? Why am I still reading this comic? I want to read about Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld!

That's not how I remember it at all! Aquaman stabbed Darkseid in the eyeballs!

So The Blackhawks were created for the exact same reason that Team Seven was created. But the Blackhawks were a United Nations team, right? And Team Seven seems to have been a team gathered together by the secret leaders of the world. Although they really are kind of the same read. Like I said in Team Seven, the Team Seven is just the Blackhawks with more recognizable members.

This is what I hate about the Blackhawks. They officially don't exist but they fly around with a fucking logo on their helicopter. Hello? UNMARKED HELICOPTERS!

The Blackhawks go in screaming as much military lingo as possible to prove to the reader that they're a military unit. Okay, okay! I get it! Y'all are soldiers and shit! And then there's at least this one panel that reminds me what I liked about the cancelled series.

Even more so than Men of War, it expressed the emotions of normal humans in a war torn world that suddenly facing some really crazy, cosmic, super-powered weirdness.

And then they run into an ambush while trying to rescue a downed comrade. This is the moment that Lady Blackhawk loses an eye although she shoves a grenade down the Parademon's throat with a grenade launcher. The Blackhawks survive to find their missing Lieutenant hooked up to some Apokolips technology. They release her but she doesn't go willingly. Whoever she was, she's now become Mother Machine! She flees from the scene to appear in the Blackhawks regular series for a few issues. And I'm sure she'll be back again in the future.

Blackhawks #0 Rating: Their origin was as simple as every other government agency created in DC. "Super Heroes might be a problem!" "Create an agency to protect us from them!" But this origin was actually more about Mother Machine. Which was so-so and doesn't really matter anyway. I think the Blackhawks proved that most people don't want to buy the comic, so there isn't any reason for Mother Machine to appear in the DCnU any time soon.

And last, it's Deadman! Another chapter, called "Instant Karma," written by Tony Bedard and drawn by Scott McDaniel and Guy Major.

Deadman's origin has him entering the first person after Rama Kushna cursed him with eternal atonement. The man he enters is the man who killed him. But Boston doesn't want to play the game. He exits the target when he thinks the target is about to be killed by a mafia co-worker. But things fall apart and an innocent woman is shot. Boston Brand re-possesses the guy, calls the cops, and gets the man arrested while the woman gets help. It's a little bit of a great power, great responsibility Spiderman moment. Except Rama Kushna reminds Boston that these powers aren't a gift. They're a punishment and a curse and he'd better start acting like it or more pain and misery will be visited upon him. The End!

Deadman #0 Rating: I'm not sure why this story was included. Maybe I'm stupid. Or maybe I've just had too much Sake. Or maybe I just want to start reading Amethyst already!