It's about fucking time I got my hands on Issue #3!
Last issue was just a lot of Talia's history with her father and her date raping of The Batman. It's been so long, I hope I can remember all of the other stuff that was going on. I think Robin had a million dollar hit on his head and some guy named Goat Boy was about to collect on it. But I figured that was all a set-up and Batman was pulling the strings. Hopefully that plays out in this comic. And maybe Batcow will get some Panel Time.
The comic begins with the panel that got it held up because of the Aurora Theater shootings. A teacher is replaced by Leviathan and heads off to teach her classroom some solid truths.
Why did Leviathan need to replace her to get her to say this? This should be in every teacher's lesson plan anyway!
But teachers were only one link in the chain. Leviathan took over the minds of cops, judges, clerks, business men, hot dog vendors...whoever they could influence that might influence someone else. The Leviathan card in the Magic the Gathering The Dark set should have been based on this Leviathan rather than a stupid giant fish. Then maybe it would have been more useful! That fucking card. It was the last card I needed to complete my The Dark set, so I went to a convention to try to trade for it. Magic players are fucking assholes. Nobody would accept a decent fucking trade for that useless piece of shit card. I offered actual cards that could be used in play. But nobody would trade unless I offered more. MORE MORE MORE! If you're one of those assholes who can't just make a decent trade and always has to somehow come out on top, just stop reading my blog. You're not fucking welcome here! And I want my Maze of Ith back!
Matches Malone is in some nightclub having a meeting with a kid named Small Fry. Or a grown man named Small Fry. Gotham has the stupidest fucking crime lords! How scary is this guy? What the fuck does he do that makes thugs rush around doing all of his dirty work? Perhaps that's why he's in Gotham. Because he can't compete anywhere else where the Crime Lords are just normal murdering business men. Here, Small Fry is competing against a guy with a doll in his lap (or is it a doll with a man under his ass?), a man that acts like a bird, a psychotic clown, a riddling fool, and a haberdasher with Lewis Carroll fetish.
See? Why are the majority of the crime lords in Gotham under five foot five? Mad Hatter, The Penguin, The Ventriloquist, Small Fry. They're all so tiny!
Two lumpy headed men begin to kidnap the lounge singer and Matches Malone is the only one to come to her defense. I guess Matches is all about the non-violence so he gets his thugs to threaten the kidnappers. I'm not sure if you actually live by a philosophy of non-violence if you just pay other guys to do all of the violence.
Is that Bueno Excellente with a new moniker?! The man who sodomized Lobo?!
At least Damian's comebacks sound like a ten year old's insults.
Someone with a lot more knowledge (and time!) than I have needs to unravel this web.
Oh, for fuck's sake, just forget all of that Leviathan crap. Look! It's Batcow with Alfred!
Matches Malone heads to the Grimm Brothers' Wake on a tip from the lounge singer but it's a trap. He's grabbed by the lumpy twins and taken away. Meanwhile, Damian gasses Alfred so he can skip out on being grounded. He dons his Redbird costume and takes off to help Batman.
Really? Redbird? What's with the color red with these guys? Red Hood. Red Robin. Redbird. And of course simply Robin. Which is a Redbird. Clever disguise, Damian! No one would ever suspect!
It turns out the trap was set by Goatboy. He needed three sacrifices to prove himself to the League of Assassins. He killed Small Fry. And he killed Robin (I think that's one of them!). And now Matches Malone is next.
What's with the "It's Thursday" and "scapegoat" line? Is that a reference to Maundy Thursday and the betrayal of Christ, the ultimate scapegoat? I'll speak more about Maundy Thursday and how my girlfriend and I chose it as the one holiday to celebrate in our house when I comment on Phantom Stranger #1.
Batman Incorporated #3 Rating: No change. It feels like this comic needs to recover its momentum after that two month delay between issues (and practically three for me! Stupid comic book store!). People are way too sensitive. It's as if our society is schizophrenic and every single thing is connected to every other single thing and everyone is trying to be super careful not to offend anybody else or make anyone feel bad or frightened or traumatized. Guess what though? Life is a crazy mixed bag of chaotic random bullshit. And the least offensive thing in the world is a goofball story written to entertain. I can see DC's point. Especially when you're a corporation and your main goal is to make money, it would look really insensitive to put out a violent comic book starring the main character of a violent movie where a murder and violence just took place. I, for one, am adult enough to separate the two. As are many, many people. But the world is controlled by those who want to feel offended and throw their tantrums because they think they're helping out.
When I saw The Matrix in the theater, a woman sitting next to me gasped and freaked out when Neo in his trenchcoat makes his assault on the Agent's skyscraper. Columbine was still fresh in everyone's mind and this woman couldn't separate the two. That is mental illness. You aren't being traumatized, lady. Neo wasn't shooting at you and he didn't cause the mass killing at the school. Just stuff your mouth with Jujubes and shut the fuck up.
Now I sound like an insensitive bastard! I assure you that I am only in commentaries like these which don't fucking matter one bit on the universal scale.
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