Thursday, September 13, 2012

Batman Incorporated #3

It's about fucking time I got my hands on Issue #3!

My comic book store told me that the distributor didn't send them enough issues of Batman Incorporated #3 on August 22nd. It's always the distributor's fault when something gets fucked up at a comic book store. So I bugged them about it two weeks in a row and they mumbled and gave me excuses and the comic never showed. This last Wednesday, Batman Incorporated #3 was finally on the shelves! So I grabbed one and then asked for my comic books in my pull box. Of course, Batman Incorporated #3 had not been pulled for me. Bastards! I can't believe what I have to put up with to get 25% off! Over the last eight months, you've fucked up twice! TWICE! I mean, sure, you've saved me about $350 across that time. But still! And maybe I should count this as three fuck ups since you didn't give me the comic on August 22nd and then you still didn't give me the comic when it came out and you forgot Phantom Stranger in my pull box when it came out! HOW DARE YOU! I'm sorely tempted to take my huge and gracious discount away from your exemplary service and friendly attitudes and your store located just a few blocks from my house and throw it away all of our history together and...hmm, you know what? Never mind. No big deal.

Last issue was just a lot of Talia's history with her father and her date raping of The Batman. It's been so long, I hope I can remember all of the other stuff that was going on. I think Robin had a million dollar hit on his head and some guy named Goat Boy was about to collect on it. But I figured that was all a set-up and Batman was pulling the strings. Hopefully that plays out in this comic. And maybe Batcow will get some Panel Time.

The comic begins with the panel that got it held up because of the Aurora Theater shootings. A teacher is replaced by Leviathan and heads off to teach her classroom some solid truths.

Why did Leviathan need to replace her to get her to say this? This should be in every teacher's lesson plan anyway!

I bet Matches Malone is going to start asking questions of all of his Gotham Underworld contacts so he can find out what's going on.

But teachers were only one link in the chain. Leviathan took over the minds of cops, judges, clerks, business men, hot dog vendors...whoever they could influence that might influence someone else. The Leviathan card in the Magic the Gathering The Dark set should have been based on this Leviathan rather than a stupid giant fish. Then maybe it would have been more useful! That fucking card. It was the last card I needed to complete my The Dark set, so I went to a convention to try to trade for it. Magic players are fucking assholes. Nobody would accept a decent fucking trade for that useless piece of shit card. I offered actual cards that could be used in play. But nobody would trade unless I offered more. MORE MORE MORE! If you're one of those assholes who can't just make a decent trade and always has to somehow come out on top, just stop reading my blog. You're not fucking welcome here! And I want my Maze of Ith back!

Matches Malone is in some nightclub having a meeting with a kid named Small Fry. Or a grown man named Small Fry. Gotham has the stupidest fucking crime lords! How scary is this guy? What the fuck does he do that makes thugs rush around doing all of his dirty work? Perhaps that's why he's in Gotham. Because he can't compete anywhere else where the Crime Lords are just normal murdering business men. Here, Small Fry is competing against a guy with a doll in his lap (or is it a doll with a man under his ass?), a man that acts like a bird, a psychotic clown, a riddling fool, and a haberdasher with Lewis Carroll fetish.

See? Why are the majority of the crime lords in Gotham under five foot five? Mad Hatter, The Penguin, The Ventriloquist, Small Fry. They're all so tiny!

Oh! I just got the joke! Boy, I'm so slow sometimes. Matches Malone is dealing with all the little crime lords in Gotham because they're literally small business. He's trying to infiltrate Leviathan, the biggest crime lord now in Gotham. Hey, Grant! Whack me a little harder next time with your overblown metaphors! Or analogies. Whatever. Maybe I should hang my English degree on the wall to remind myself to pay closer attention to what I'm reading. I'm just so glad to finally be reading this stupid comic!

Two lumpy headed men begin to kidnap the lounge singer and Matches Malone is the only one to come to her defense. I guess Matches is all about the non-violence so he gets his thugs to threaten the kidnappers. I'm not sure if you actually live by a philosophy of non-violence if you just pay other guys to do all of the violence.

Is that Bueno Excellente with a new moniker?! The man who sodomized Lobo?!

Dick Grayson eventually shows up as Batman to convince everyone that Matches Malone is a real thug. And then everyone heads back to the Batcave to process the new information. Including Damian because he's, you know, not really dead. Surprise! I think. Probably not a surprise at all actually.

At least Damian's comebacks sound like a ten year old's insults.

Someone with a lot more knowledge (and time!) than I have needs to unravel this web.

Oh, for fuck's sake, just forget all of that Leviathan crap. Look! It's Batcow with Alfred!

Matches Malone ends up at Three Eyed Jacks because Grant Morrison is a fan of Twin Peaks but he wanted the place to be weird. At Three Eyed Jacks, Matches interviews Goatboy about his successful hit on Robin. He wants to know where Goatboy is supposed to collect his half billion dollar prize. And since Goatboy knows Gotham so well, he knows exactly where he was taken earlier to meet with Leviathan even though Goatboy was blindfolded.

Matches Malone heads to the Grimm Brothers' Wake on a tip from the lounge singer but it's a trap. He's grabbed by the lumpy twins and taken away. Meanwhile, Damian gasses Alfred so he can skip out on being grounded. He dons his Redbird costume and takes off to help Batman.

Really? Redbird? What's with the color red with these guys? Red Hood. Red Robin. Redbird. And of course simply Robin. Which is a Redbird. Clever disguise, Damian! No one would ever suspect!

It turns out the trap was set by Goatboy. He needed three sacrifices to prove himself to the League of Assassins. He killed Small Fry. And he killed Robin (I think that's one of them!). And now Matches Malone is next.

What's with the "It's Thursday" and "scapegoat" line? Is that a reference to Maundy Thursday and the betrayal of Christ, the ultimate scapegoat? I'll speak more about Maundy Thursday and how my girlfriend and I chose it as the one holiday to celebrate in our house when I comment on Phantom Stranger #1.

Good thing Redbird is just outside beating up the guards and the guard dogs. Although Matches probably only needs that lit match to defeat everyone in the room.

Batman Incorporated #3 Rating: No change. It feels like this comic needs to recover its momentum after that two month delay between issues (and practically three for me! Stupid comic book store!). People are way too sensitive. It's as if our society is schizophrenic and every single thing is connected to every other single thing and everyone is trying to be super careful not to offend anybody else or make anyone feel bad or frightened or traumatized. Guess what though? Life is a crazy mixed bag of chaotic random bullshit. And the least offensive thing in the world is a goofball story written to entertain. I can see DC's point. Especially when you're a corporation and your main goal is to make money, it would look really insensitive to put out a violent comic book starring the main character of a violent movie where a murder and violence just took place. I, for one, am adult enough to separate the two. As are many, many people. But the world is controlled by those who want to feel offended and throw their tantrums because they think they're helping out.

When I saw The Matrix in the theater, a woman sitting next to me gasped and freaked out when Neo in his trenchcoat makes his assault on the Agent's skyscraper. Columbine was still fresh in everyone's mind and this woman couldn't separate the two. That is mental illness. You aren't being traumatized, lady. Neo wasn't shooting at you and he didn't cause the mass killing at the school. Just stuff your mouth with Jujubes and shut the fuck up.

Now I sound like an insensitive bastard! I assure you that I am only in commentaries like these which don't fucking matter one bit on the universal scale.

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