Action Comics #0

This is the first Zero Issue of the month for me. I'm not totally sure what to expect with these things. They should all be origin stories although some of them will take place as continuations of the current story (like Resurrection Man) and others will be a break from the continuing story arc to tell the Origin. And since this is The New 52 and a Reboot, I'm hoping to learn new things about these characters instead of just reading, "Superman crashed to Earth as a baby and was kidnapped by hick farmers who raised him to be a boy scout. They should get medals for forward thinking because if their bastard greedy neighbors had found him, he'd have taken over the world by the time he was eight years old. Ugh! Can you imagine an eight year old super alien tyrant running the world? Thank Kansas that Ma and Pa Kent were such self-righteous, prudish, home bodies with no imagination! The end!"

That Origin story was my imitation of Grant Morrison's style. Pretty good, hunh? I can write in the style of anybody! "Superman dydst falth forth frym donny yon skyes." That was Chaucer! And how about Liefeld? "I was born on a dying planet many light years from Earth. A light year is not actually a unit of time like some people think. It's a measure of distance. In fact, it's the length of space light travels in one year. You might think it was otherwise but you'd be wrong. I was just a baby then but I remember how beautiful my mother was. Then I crashed into Earth and everything changed. How did it change? Let me tell you!" That would be followed by more exposition in Narration Boxes which I don't want to write.

I know you're all pretty impressed by my ability to chameleonate anybody's writing style. And you probably want to see more examples because it's such an amazing ability, but I need to begin reading Action Comics #0 Starring Superman!

Since Morrison already told Superman's origin, I guess we'll be getting Superman's coming out story.

Clark Kent gets his Superman shirts printed at one of the local print shops just like in that back-up story from a few issues ago that was so amazing I still remember every detail. So can we count that as the first Origin of this Zero issue? The Origin of Superman's T-shirts: "Clark Kent walked into Curt's Copies and asked for 200 shirts printed with the Superman logo!" Message boards light up!

SuperMANfan74: "Curt's Copies? Really?! Is this canon or is this just Morrison being allowed to write whatever he wants?!"
LoisOnMyFace: "I knew that other guy was lying in that back-up story! You can't full me!"
THEsupermanFAN: "Full? What are you? Some kind of illiterate internet monkey? Your presence here is a disgrace to all the REAL Superman fans."
LoisOnMyFace: "Have you never heard of a "TYPO" you fat fuck? Why don't you get a real job and move out of your mother's basement already! LOL!"
JimmyO-Face: "Why do you think Clark Kent needed 200 shirts?! What's up with that?!??!"
THEsupermanFAN: "Oh ho ho! Such a wit! Such a master of farce! You, sir, are a field of dog excrement! You insult every comic book reader with the supposition that even one of us is fat or without a job or living in our parents' basement! That my be true in some cases and occasionally a fan falls in the overlap at the center of the Nerd Stereotype Venn Diagram. But for you to attack me on those points immediately probably means that YOU, SIR, are the fat, jobless, pathetic fuck!"
Supermoderator: "This thread has been locked."

After learning the Secret Origin of Batman's Superman's T-Shirts, the reader is gifted with yet another Secret Origin: The Secret Origin of Clark Kent's job! That's the panel above. He now has work at the Daily Star which sounds much more impressive than the Daily Planet! Seriously!

And after that, a THIRD SECRET ORIGIN! My heart is aflutter with the revelations! This time it's the Secret Origin of JIMMY OLSEN!

Although this is interesting, I wonder how Clark met Jimmy. Craigslist Metropolis?

Now I'm wondering if the story of how Clark met Jimmy has already been told and I'm just too old and senile to remember it.

And then Superman makes his debut trying to stop some of Glenmorgan's thugs. The little weird man from the Fifth Dimension is hanging out with Glenmorgan as well. But right now, Superman isn't concerned with them. He's on the roof stopping the thugs from kidnapping a policewoman who was witness to some of Glenmorgan's corporate shenanigans. Supes is a little bit too brash and cocky on his first outing and is surprised by some douchebag with a rocket launcher.

A Monkey with a rocket launcher? That's a normal Saturday night for me.

Superman is blasted off of the building and lands dazed on the street below where some punk steals his cape. Which is apparently the focus of this story since the title of this issue is "The Boy Who Stole Superman's Cape." And Superman doesn't have 200 of the capes! He's simply got the one that came with him from Krypton so it's indestructible. Much like his T-shirts are not. I guess that rocket launcher to the face explains why 200 t-shirts was probably a good investment.

The kid takes the cape and turns into a little do-gooder in his shitty apartment complex. He rescues his brother from their father who is a drunk bastard. He does this by shielding himself in the cape and wrapping the cape around his fist so that his punches lay the guy low. But the kid is still a rat bastard thief. Although he did see the original wearer of the cape get shot by a rocket launcher and fall sixty stories to the ground. I think there's some merit now to "Finders keepers, dead person weepers."

After the little snotty thief's heroics, the scene changes to present the FOURTH SECRET ORIGIN of the comic book: Mr. Mxyzptlk!

Okay, maybe this isn't technically an origin. But it's at least a where are they now story! Or where were they now. Because currently he's in a coma!

Back to the thieving kid and his brother, they're running away down on the wrong side of the tracks. That means they're by Clark's new apartment because Clark doesn't have much money. That Daily Star just doesn't have the circulation that the Daily Planet has. But Jimmy is bringing Lois by to meet Clark because he thinks they'll hit it off in the Reboot the same way they hit it off in the Preboot. Oh, but I was supposed to be talking about those kids! Their father followed them out to the train tracks, snatches the non-caped one and they watch as the light-fingered kid in the cape is about to be hit by a train.

Ben Oliver has done some nice work on the art in this issue.

Borrowed without asking?! I learned about that a long time ago as a kid growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area thanks to that dog and that horse on television after school.

So Superman gets his cape back and I'm guessing Jimmy is going to get a picture of this scene here. Pulitzer material and the Secret Origin of Jimmy Olsen getting the job at the Daily Planet! Is that all the Secret Origins a comic book can give, you ask?! Hell no! Here's one more at no extra price! Well, technically one dollar extra.

The Secret Origin of Lois's Ruined Panties! I mean, her Crush on Superman!

The back-up story takes place years ago and had better have a Secret Origin in it as well! Boy, you give me six or seven Secret Origins and I begin to get demanding!

A man named Emery Zackro published a paper about radiation causing super powers. Maybe he couched it in different language but that's because he didn't have the vocabulary of comic books yet. But the scientific community laughed at him. All except one young up and coming scientist who doesn't give his name right off. But it is years ago and he has hair so I bet it's Lex Luthor! Wait, did that sentence make sense?

This young scientist visits the Black Farm looking for the subject of Zackro's paper. But Mr. Blake chases him away just like he chases his son, Captain Comet, away years ago. Lex Luthor, I mean the mystery man, heads out and accidentally runs into a young Captain Comet. But is he young enough for this scientist to be Lex Luthor? I can't tell because when Captain Comet was last in the comic book, his face was all burnt off and quasary. Shut up. I'll make up as many words as I want!

It turns out this guy's hair was way too thick because he's Erik Drekken. I don't know who that guy is. Judging by the picture they show of a ghost like superman punching a ghost like octopus monster in the face, I'm guessing Erik Drekken was the guy that Superman fought in the Braniac Satellite right before The Legionnaires attended a weapons' auction inside Superman's brain. I forget if he had a super villain name. At least it was a Secret Origin! I should have realized the Secret Origin of Lex Luthor wouldn't be left up to a Sholly Fisch back-up story! I'm so stupid.

Action Comics #0 Rating: No change. In fact, I'm not going to change the ranking of any of the comics for the Zero Issue Month. It feels too much like a wild card. I'll just make up a Rating for each comic that describes how well it dealt with the Secret Origin. So let me start again in the next paragraph and that will be the form to expect for all the future Zero Comics Ratings.

Action Comics #0 Rating: Multi-Originasmic!